Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does he want me or a visa?

About 15 months ago I met a charming man from Morocco online. We had so much in common, seemed to get along great & shared a lot of the same values. We discussed everything freely. We were simply comfortable like we were friends our entire life. For me, it seemed like I was in love after our first conversation. We have spoken almost everyday thereafter.

Of course he is Muslim and after educating myself on the religion, I have made it my personal choice to convert. It just makes so much more sense to me then the religion I grew up with. When I told him of course he was pleased, considering I made this decision alone.

About 5 months into the relationship he asked me to marry him. I was so completely infatuated with him that I didn't hesitate to accept. After being married 13 yrs to a man that was abusive in every way, I never thought I could/wanted to love again. I have shared this past with my fiance in full. Mostly to help him understand certain things about me so never to make the same mistakes. But over the last 6 months or so things with him have changed. Being fully aware of how much I despised the way my ex-husband treated me, he has come to do the same in many ways. Constant arguing over the smallest issues or turning my words around into something hurtful. Even the smallest things I do (or don't do) get blown out of proportion. It only makes me feel like I am always wrong in any situation. It's degrading really.

I have a lot going on in my life here (USA). So plans to visit have come and gone. More then once. With all the problems we've encountered, his declaration of marriage never fades. The feeling that this was all too good to be true gets stronger daily. I'm sure at one point his feelings & intentions were sincere. Now? I'm only discouraged by how uninterested he seems. Until a few months ago we would connect every morning and night. Now, suddenly he has to leave everyday by a certain time. For what? I'm usually told something different everyday but always at the same time. No matter how many multiple times I've asked, I never see photos of him while he is out yet demands it of me. The last time he did was Jan. 2011. He doesn't call like he used to or even text. Some times he doesn't even connect leaving me with no word of his safety. He NEVER used to be like this with me. Our relationship was always a priority to him. His sincere devotion to me is fading with the exception of him being determined to marry me. I have taken notice to this and have mentioned it to him. I have even offered for us to take a "break" to see if this is what he (we) truly wants. It only caused more problems and he went as far as telling me, multiple times, that he could not & would not live without me. In other words he would kill himself. At first I didn't care if he was serious about his threat or not. I was only sure I couldn't live if something happened to him. I think he realized this. Therefore the threats to hurt himself, whenever the subject comes up, haven't stopped.

I have become so full of doubt. Not only with these characteristic changes but also after reading all the blogs about marriage fraud. More specifically with Moroccan men & women in the US, UK & Canada. I fear my relationship will end only with me being statistic... Another naive American woman scammed into marrying someone that only wanted a visa.

I know this must sound foolish to some but I am so in love with this man and want nothing more then to remain happy and safe. Even if it means leaving him because my doubts are too strong. I won't risk being hurt again.

Suggestions please!!! What I should say to him regarding his behavior, how/if I should question that he is only with me for a visa or even how I can end it gracefully. Any suggestions or guidance is appreciated.


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32 Responses »

  1. Dear Chris,

    I am originally moroccan born in Europe, and many (for not saying all) moroccan in morocco try to get à way out from povrety, misery, inemployement in morocco. This is their dream, even to get marries with a 80 years old women, those peuple they would do it believe me. In morocco, in any club, hôtel, u can see young guys having slow dance or having a coffee with much older women proposing mariage, insurre them they dont care of not having kids in future. Once they get their visa, they show their indifférence,their real character. I can see that hé noticed how much you are attached to him, so he thinks he has got you. Your sixth sens flet he changed to you.
    he threaten that he would kill himself, of course hé would do whatever for keeping thé mariage plan.
    If you continue with him, you will see more changes. Its not his first time, but hé previously failed, this is why hé is not showing you photos. Dont trust him. Tell him you want to live in morocco or in asia but not in USA, see what he will say, but keep this version for while, so hé doesnt think u are testing him. Unfortunatly they are genuis.

    But your bc doesnt see to be so genious, he could not resist, he started changing , he is sûre hé ll get his target.

    Dont trust him. Believe me.

    • Hi i have to married someone younger then me ,im 47 he is 29.

      (I deleted the remainder of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah. - Editor)

    • Do not ignore your gut instincts - if something doesn't feel right, in my experience it isn't. I married a North African man, against my better judgement and lived to regret it.. He embezzled money from me, was a compulsive liar/master manipuator, he became extremely abusive, had numerous affairs, didn't want to work, tried to make me abort our children and cheated his way through the system, in order to acquire long term government benefits and accommodation, whilst being involved in criminal activity and amassing large amounts of money, which he used to build a huge house in his native country. These men are typically selfish, arrogant with sociopathic tendencies. They take no responsibility for their behaviour and feel no remorse or guilt about their wrongdoings. Their aim is to get ahead in life, at your expense and they really don't give a damn if you get hurt in the process. My advice to you is to get out now while you can.

  2. I think you didnt mention it in your post.. But if they guy is younger than you, then there are high chances that what you are fearing might be true. Being i guy, if i suppose that what you have written about his attitude and behavior towards you is true, then my opinion about that guy is not good.

    We can only advise you to be careful, and somehow i like the idea proposed in above post. You should test him by saying something which give him idea that after marriage he wont be in USA.. but your statements should be very intelligent. I wish you best of luck 🙂

  3. Salaam sister, the answer to your question is simple, pray salat-ul-istikhara and let Allah guide you, for he is the all-knowing, and whatever the outcome you can be at ease that you are making the right decision. their is a link at the top of this site which explains how to offer the prayer, however if you do not understand then please dont hesitate to ask, i will assist you with any problem.

  4. Don't trust him!!! If he truly loved u, he would have the decency to keep you updates on his where abouts and not change his attitude. those are clear RED FLAGS! Infactuation and love is not enough to keep a marriage going.

  5. If you're already having doubts online, what's it going to be like once married? Write him an email saying you guys need time apart for a week or two and that if he really loves Allah (swt) he won't kill himself. Then use that time to assess where you are and how you feel.

    But do I understand it right in that you two only have a 15 month online relationship and have never physically met? Why?

  6. Please, run away from this man as if he had he plague. It doesn't matter what his motivation is. If his actions are causing you this kind of pain, what you are feeling is not love. What you are feeling is wanting an escape into love from you past disappointments in love, a desire to be loved, a misguided wish to "help" this man, and a desire to know the truth, now that he has caused you doubt. This is not love. Love is not like this and it's not worth your time. Put your emotions aside and look at this situation as it really is.

    You will never know his true motivation. If he wants to kill himself, that's up to him. Trying to manipulate you into guilt over that is fiendish, and I would tell him that if you can. If he is willing to kill himself because he's not getting what he wants (you're unsure of what that is - you or a green card), what does that say about him as a person? If you are willing to "love" this person at all costs, what does that say about you?

    Pray on your knees to Allah to help you extricate yourself and your emotions from this problem. I really feel your pain and confusion, but now is the time for seeing that he doesn't love you and you are not his therapist. By the way, tell him to pray too.

    Please tell him

  7. Don't !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I fell into this trap .... unlike you, I had no resources i.e. internet blogs warning about such things.... had no CLUE about this.


    I made this mistake three years ago. Each day I think about taking my own life because it has made my life into a nightmare. I am a prisoner in my own home!

    Nothing was true. Nothing was what was promised, although I kept my end...

    I wish somebody could help me...

    • As-salamu alaykum brother or sister. I'm not going to call you by the name you have given yourself here as it is not a good name. I would prefer if you flip it around and call yourself "hopeful" or "survivor". If you would like to log in and write about your situation, we can try to advise you personally, Insha'Allah. In the meantime, please read my article about suicide. Also, check my articles on You may find something that will help, Insha'Allah.

      There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. There is always a way forward in life, even when you do not see it. Allah has a way out for you, if you trust Him and turn to Him. You must also take control of your own life. If your life is a nightmare, then take control of the dream and make a change. The idea of making a change may seem daunting and frightening, but it surely cannot be worse than what you currently have.

      Wael Editor

  8. Hi ,i married a Malaysian 18 years younger then me ,we have been married for just over one year and worked together for 1 year...

    • hippo, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will publish it in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

      • Dear Brother Wael

        I have put up two questions for advices but as i am new to this site, i dont know its working,how much time approx will it take to get my questions published. I am in urgent need to advice as i am having the worst time of my life. Please guide.

        thank you,

        • I can't figure out which post is yours as it's not under this same email address. What's the post title? Currently the wait is about 60 days.


  9. Dear brother wael,

    I'm having trouble logging in. I can't access the site, only able to look at posts and comment individually by logging in my info each time.

    Plz tell me what's wrong.


  10. Hi,

    I went through a similar situation with a Moroccan man that was working in the UK on a tier 5 visa, in other words does not have the right to stay in the UK after the two years are up. We became friends and he actually proposed to me after a few days. He was always asking things connected with money such as, is this your car and looking for the different things I had to find out how much money I had. I do not know if this was spur of the moment or if it had been planned, but came out of the relationship very confused as I did not give him any money because I do not think it is a woman's place to keep a man financially it should be split down the middle. When he realised it was difficult to get into the UK and that I had a low income, the relationship was over or he twisted it to make me feel that it was my fault that it was over. He seemed very charming etc. I do not think it is worth staying in a relationship like that as it only creates more heartache. They look for someone naive to pick on and people have to learn that. I loved him, but I love myself more and that is what people have to say to themselves.

  11. As'Salaam Alaikum
    You say Moroccan man, and this scares me it makes you wonder if it's the same man that I am talking to now and I guess that I will never know... These things are so scary and honestly us women need to protect eachother if this happened to you then something needs to be done to prevent other sisters from being cheated and heart broken by the same man... :'(

    • Morocco is a big country. Population 32 million, which means about 16 million men.

      Wael Editor

      • So you think most are frauds & just claim love to get visa? Am just asking people's thoughts I have a very similar situation I need advice with

        • Modest_Muslimah, I think Br. Wael is suggesting that isn't it reasonable to assume that the man you are talking to not is the same one that the OP is talking about because there are roughly 16 million Morrocan men!

          As for advice, never talk to a man who knows you are doing in secret--your Wali, father, brother should be involved because that is how a woman is protected. The types of men that will betray a woman will ensure she is isolated and kept in a secret relationship and they never man up and speak to her wali--so protect yourself and your emotions.

  12. I feel this same way. I married a man from Pakistan that is emotionally abusive. I stupidly even gave him money weekly for 2 years. I feel very used could I let this happen?

    • tina, love can make us do foolish things. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Take it as a lesson learned and move on with your life.

      Wael Editor

  13. I met a Moroccan online 4 years ago. He literally swept me away, so charming, sweet, good looking etc. I was vulnerable and looking back I can see now how much of an easy target I was. He is very clever. Never backs down, always has an answer. I couldn't resist him. After talking online for a year I went to morocco to meet him. His body language was so cold but I told myself he is shy. He lied about telling his mother about me (he didn't ) and I found him still on dating websites. Foolishly I returned 2 and a half years later for a second visit, same body language, but I am so in love with him and I just can't get him out of my head, I keep thinking of all our conversations and his sweet words and what if he does love me but I think I am just heart broken because I know deep down that he doesn't andit is a scam. I have broke off all contact with him now, I deleted my Facebook, and blocked his whatsapp. I still stalk him daily, looking at his Facebook, googling his name, seeing the women friends added and looking them up boiling with jealousy. I would advise any woman not to get involved to save time and heartache.!!

    • Assalam alaikum,

      At least you realized it sooner than it got worse. It may help to think of it this way: You fell in love with a fictitious character and what hurt the most is that you discovered he never existed in the first place.

      May Allah heal your heart, Ameen.

    • Jenny,
      You are not alone. I did the same thing. I fell for it hook line and sinker. I signed up on a dating web site, and within minutes he messaged me and told me I was beautiful. I said thanks and went on about my business. Five minutes later, he messaged me again and asked if I he could talk to me. I saw his age was 23, and I explained that I was old enough to be his mother. (I look 30 , but I am 40;which I had listed my real age) He said he did not care and that he wanted to know me. I laughed and ignored him. He persisted and asked if I had Whatapp and said he just wanted to talk to me. I was in the middle of a break up, so I said what the heck, it's just talking. Big mistake! This little guy was a snake charmer. Like he was trained at the sport of getting women's attention. Bang! he got me. He Whatsapped me all day everyday. Told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, asking for dirty pics and videos. I allowed this to continue for 4 months against everyones advice, but one day I woke up and thought to myself why would a 23 year old want a 40 year old no matter how attractive I was? It just clicked and I knew I was being scammed. I broke it off, and he was on to the next, posting pics of babys like the ones he asked me to have and asking me to convert, etc.... I was so mad at myself for falling for this, but the scammers are good. Very well trained.
      I am so thankful that I did not fall completely and sign for him to come to the US. Then I would have been stuck paying his fees and living expenses.

  14. Someone has stated that Moroccans and other African men treat marriage visas as a national sport. An African lady told me they call us European women Visa tickets. Basically they do not respect you but view you as nothing more than a visa.
    I had a instance with one such man. I met him for a work exchange. He said he was 29 and unmarried. He was 33. Two years later and his profile says he is still 29.
    Rachid Elgueloui was his name. He made me his girlfriend two weeks within arriving at his place. Within two months he had sent me home to get marriage visas. I was totally on a string. He was puppet master. He treated me well. I was young 21 and he was my first boyfriend. I was a virgin and he tried but failed to break my virginity before marriage which I am certain most islamics would not do. I look back at his behaviour with utter revulsion. He would pray to Allah every day but every day he was buttering me up like a pig for slaughter.
    I returned home and my parents were furious. My late father thankfully told him that point blank was this not happening. From then on my parents withheld my passport until I saw sense. I was angry with them for a year but now I am so glad they stopped this.
    Everyday for two years Rachid has been messaging me online. Telling me he misses me. That he wants to see me. He asks me for money all the time. He took my laptop from me. Always hunting for commodities. Telling me to send old phones in the post. Amongst messages that he loves me. If he lived me he would expect nothing from me.
    I am a global traveller but he kept saying go home to UK get a flat work and we can live together. He was trying to control my life. He told me to stop spending money on travel. I realise now he was worried about my money as his future investment was dwindling. Never ever have I met someone so interested in my finances. When my father died he asked how much money I had been left. What makes me angry is he was trying to calculate the sum he could mug me off for when he eventually dumped me. Every time I told him my money was gone he pulled a sad emoji face. I was basically a pound coin to him not a human. What makes it worse is they specifically pull on our human heartstrings and pretend it has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with money.
    His entire Facebook was full of women Arabic European I saw his account one day and he was trying to invite himself to a polish women's house in Poland. Luckily she was having none of it. Anyway to me we were Facebook friends but I could see nothing of his actual Facebook I couldn't see any photos or his friends. Majority was hidden from me except I got to log on to his Facebook showed me reality. It was like a huge network of women he had on the go. Hunting for visa.
    I am so so glad I have blocked him. The thing is they are so hard to let go of as they message you everyday. They are like a pest. Really you just need to block them.
    People who do this are desperate. Blood thirsty. They do not value your human worth. They just want your money for their Arabic family at home. He is probably already married. Arabic men can have several wives and the own their wives. They would happily discard you. You never know it could even end up with your death. To them its just a money exchange. I am talking about the African men who specifically visa hunt. It is a criminal gang. This is not a stereotype for all African men. Of course.
    Anyway most Arabic men online loon for Arabic wives online not European wives. I met a friend of his online dating but for Muslims.
    I don't know from my personal experience I would suggest you hold off meeting him you hold of all talks of marriage for a year. Try to keep contact minimal. In a years time see how you feel. Hindsight is a blessing

  15. Assalamu Alaykum Sister Chris. Your situation is 100% identical to mine. I honestly believe we were involved with the same man. I would love to message with you in private if possible sister. Please .

  16. I don't think he necessarily wanted a visa. I think he fell in love and your honeymoon period is over and the bubble has popped. His lack of interest is similar to how one feels after they've been in the relationship for a while. Or it could just be his love dropped a lot when he thought of your ex being with you.

    I don't know how good the relationship would be though if you were in person. The lack of transparency on his side and threats of self injury are not good. The self injury threats may be a cultural thing. It doesn't sound like a great relationship though. I don't know if it's a scam or not.

  17. I am in a similar situation, I would like to talk to you. Can we? And I would like to know how you are and have dealt with this, my name is Julie

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