Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does my future husband have to know I was intimate with my first husband?

Secret marriage

Assalam o Alaikum,

I have a question regarding nikah...

After 2 years of engagement I did nikah with my fiance in 2011 and after 1 years of our nikah we had intimacy secretly before going to his home properly but since he was my husband i didn't regret coz i thought i haven't done any sin.

we were supposed to have marriage ceremony in 2013 and i will go to his home but then many facts were revealed about him that he hadn't completed his education , he wasn't earning and other things so my family became opposed and with my consent they ask court for divorce.

i am divorced now it been 3 years.

now the problem is that if any marriage proposal come i am perplexed can i tell him about my intimacy where i hadn't been to his home if yes how? if no then is it justified?

Because of this i have been rejecting every proposal ... though i know he was my husband but people take it so wrong that i did intimacy secretly ... so i wanted to ask can I hide this from my future husband ? and if he ask me to take oath on Quran then what i should do ? kindly explain in detail ... please in detail with references .....

- Thresia

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18 Responses »

  1. Hello, I am in the same situation. I had nikkah and in my case he was always blackmailing me about having an boyfriend before him. I didn't have any intimacy with my ex boyfriend, we were just dating to be married but things didn't go to plan. When my fiancé heard about this he was furious. He wanted me to prove to him that I was a virgin and he blackmailed that he will tell about my past relationship to my family.

    I fell for it and got intimate with him. Although we had nikkah, we still had to wait for the wedding but I didn't know we would break up so I went ahead with it so that he doesn't doubt me and so that our arguments can stop. But it didn't, it only got worse even after he took my virginity.

    The question you ask is something I want to know too. It's really hard when girls meet such men. But the good thing is it has made me become closer to Islam and so I am grateful but still very sad about what he done to me.

    Now I am also worried about my future.

    • Asalam o Alaikum
      sister i hope you are fine, although i am not a scholar to guide you according to shariya but with the help of little knowledge i want to advice you.
      sister first of all you i am happy that you didnt have any intimate relationship with your ex boyfriend, you must thankful to Allah. your comment is quite vague i couldn't understand weather you are still with your husband or not ??
      if you had left your husband then don;t worry inshaAllah will give you some pious man and but remember one thing that you must not tell anything to anyone to your future husband if someone want to marry you they will marry you on the behalf of your piousness not your virginity

      • We have broken up now. But we broke up because he verbally abused me and made me feel very insecure about myself. He was also controlling and just didn't respect me and my family even though he took my virginity and knew that I was innocent of his accusations. He still went ahead and accused me of being a non virgin and having a previous boyfriend. He accused me of still loving him even though I told him I was not in love with him anymore that is why we broke up because he was not right for me.

        He still said no, I am a bad person. Islamically I tried very very hard to keep my relationship with him and I did love him with a pure heart and no bad intentions but he didn't appreciate it. So we broke up, even though he really wanted to make it work after we broke up. But I couldn't trust him anymore.

  2. Hi dear, why are you so worried about your divorce status? What you did as a married women is considered legal according to Islam/quran. Don't lose your confident as a devorce women, and kill your self by doing unnessary thinking, The past is past, and you have to move forward, you did not commit any crime.

    Just move forward, and look for your right man, ask Allaha in salat, if you can hold salatul thajud. If you want , search on line. I have seen lots of Muslim men are also looking for women who are either divorce or single mother. If a man really fall in love with you, then your divorce status is not an issue at all.

    I don't know what country you are from, you can look for Bangladesi men, the Bangladesi men are more civilized than Arab, respect their wives, and prefer good long time monogamous relationship. I don't mean all Bangladesi men are good, some of them might be bed. Go to google, and search for Bangladesi match making site.

    • Hi Abu. I dont personally agree with Bangladeshi men being most civilised. Ive been married to one and made the greatest mistake of my life. My marriage was based on lies, deceit, cheating, crookedness, no islamic values, and money driven. Please dont get me wrong, I dont think all are like that. But the one i had was definately the worst. Most of his friends told me that Bangladeshi people are not right. I regret every moment, but alhamdulillah, I am over him and far happier.

      • The lesson here is that all generalizations are wrong. "Bangleshi men are the best, Bangledeshi men are the worst, etc." None of these rules apply. Everyone is an individual.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Sisters in Islam, I personally think why is the need to hide anything? Alhamdulillah your situations were such that you had your nikkah, hence officially married. Now you had sexual relations with your husbands, so there is no wrong in this and you shouldn't have to feel any regret. As long as it wasn't haram relations involving boyfriends, etc. Allah is the one who brings blessings in life. Continue to make dua. A decent good understanding Muslim will know that you were husband and wife so it's up to him to accept you as it is or not. If the question was to come up, then sisters don't hide, why should you need to lie. Say it as it is, there is no haram in what you have done. Things didn't work out so you moved on. May Allah make it easy for you all. Ameen. I hope this was of some benefit

  4. Losing your virginity with your husband is not at all to be frowned upon.

    in Islam there is no concept of rukhsati or a huge marriage ceremony, once you have performed nikah with the husband, thats it, you can get intimate.

    the man who will be wanting to marry you should not be concerned about your past especially since you got intimate with your previous husband and not some boyfriend or Fiance', which is halal in Islam.

    Allah knows best, may HE guide us all.

  5. you had sex with your husband before and it was not a sin, i think it would be common sense for him to think that you probably had sex if you did nikah with someone. But i would not regret it since what you did is halal.

    I did my nikah last year without ruksati sending off bride. Afterwards, i had intimate relationship with my wife secretly but i was always sacred that i was cheating her parents. Although my wife agreed, but than i went to another country. As of now i am waiting for my wife visa.

  6. Salam,
    Long answer short, in Islam you have the right to remain silent. Mubarak to your new husband to be and new life with him, celebrate and enjoy the rest of your life. Anyways, being previously married implies that you were intimate, so the new husband should already be aware of this fact. You don't need to say anything.
    Best wishes sister,
    Shereen

  7. Assalamualaikum

    Dear Sister, some men don't have big hearts while others have a very big heart. (Same is the case with women). A person with big heart finds it easy to forgive while a person with a small heart doesn't find it easy to forgive. Islam teaches us to forgive and give the other person the benefit of the doubt but for some its easy and for others its not.

    I myself was never married or never had touched a namahram but knowingly married my wife who was a divorcee but it didn't bother me at all. However, I had to keep this information under wraps from all my friends because in many conversations with them I realized that many of them will find it difficult to get used to. I describe my situation because my advice below will make more sense.

    You are getting many proposals, some from men with small hearts while others with bigger hearts. Some will find no problem with the fact that you have already been with a man while others will not find it easy. On the other hand, you might find that you are not being truly honest with your husband if you do not disclose this information. So my advice is that when you do like someone and think that the person is going to be a good husband then you can tell him a bit more outrageous (which of course is not going to be true) and observe his response over the few days / weeks. If he can easily get over something that you told which was clearly not true then you know that he will get over your actual truth. On the other hand if he doesn't get over the slightly more outrageous thing you told him then you can let him of the hook and start looking for next person.

    Usually guys with younger siblings have a bigger heart while guys who are youngest/only children in their family have are less tolerating and find it harder to get over things. I say this by observing so many people in my own family and friends.

    In the end its all in Allah's hands and make lots of dua to him to make it easy for you and your family.

    • Brother you cant generalise people .It is simple when some body was previously married then obviously they will have sex . There is no need to specifically tell about it .if some body don't want then they will look for virgin ..

      • Brother/Sister Cool,

        You misunderstood the OP's situation. She had Nikah but did not have rukhsati. If she is from an Indo/Pak/Bangladeshi culture then she is in a pickle for having sex after Nikah. From a Shariah point of view she has done nothing wrong but from a cultural point of view of that region/community, there will be some who will judge her very harshly while others will understand that she has done nothing wrong.

        I know in the Western Islamic culture it shouldn't be a problem, but I don't know if in Arab/African/South East Asian Islamic culture this would be a problem.

        I firmly believe that personally we should not focus on culture but when it comes to interacting with other people, we cannot just ignore all the cultural norms and thus we have to be a bit more accommodating.

        May Allah make it easy for the sister.

        • Whats the useless culture which is given so important ?
          As per Islam she has not done any wrong as after Nikah she and her husband were legal for each other .
          This Rukhsati seems to be unwanted cultural practice which needs to be removed from the system.

  8. Assalam Aleykoum Sister,

    All your future husband needs to know is that you were once married but had gotten divorced. That is it. Any sane person would know/understand that a once married person is no longer a virgin. I dont see why you are so stressed. It was a halal consumation.

    Salaam,
    SisterZahriya

  9. Asalam o Alaikum
    sister i hope you are fine. i am not a scholar to guide you well i am quite young although but i know few things about Islam according to that little knowledge i want to give you an advice.
    First of all thanks to Allah that you didnt do any sin like zina, sister i want to ask you one question that did you ex husband gave you Haq-Mehar ? If he didnt give you then dont forgive him and claim him and take him to the court until he will give you the mehar because it is your right. It is that handful amount which women get before creating intimate relationship to her husband it is the amout of her protection and right. second thing you dont have to tell anything to your second husband if he really wants to marry you he will definitely love you and marry you on the basis of your piousness not your beauty or virginity

    Allah hafiz

  10. Nikkah is a contract between couple and Allah subhana watallah.you are allowed to be intimate but what is confusing is after nikkah stay apart which I don't think its right.pls marriage is about being happy and safe but if partner doesn't trust then be strong don't probe it to him because Allah knows and that is enough ps sex is about love after marriage mot to prove amything

  11. Salam,

    You should tell your future husband. It builds trust for him to know and you will create a relationship that is more stable and be happier with someone who can handle it. If you don't tell him and he finds out later and this was an issue for him, he may break up and you will be divorced twice. It will then be even harder to get remarried.

    The other thing is that your first husband then owes you the full mahr payment.

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