Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Domestic violence and kids

Salam,

abuse violent physical beat

He threatens to kill me and my children and I see 'Blood' in his eyes

I really badly need advise. Me and my kids are suffering from domestic violence from my alcoholic and abusive husband. We seen Blood in his eyes to kill all of us, he threaten to kill us all the time and then he is sorry for his behavior.

We are scared and confused and do not feel safe. What to do help.

- asma18606


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5 Responses »

  1. Thank you and Jazak Allaha I am muslim and he is too he told me that his family never got divorse so we cannot the divorce will effects kids and their future he said I am stupid doesnot know how to cope with his anger He said he loves his kids and he doesnot want family divivde I am confuse and have been living several years like this Is the islam will make me responsible for this happening will God punish me if i got Divorse and seek protection I also doesnot want that he harm by Law and things will done as quitly but donot know Oh allaha Help me do I need istakhara?

    • Asma,

      The fact that no-one in his family had ever got divorced has nothing to do with your marriage and neither is it a reflection on the success of the marriages in his family. Islam does not forbid divorce when necessary, so what your husband is saying regarding divorce is pure rubbish and only to emotionally black mail you.

      I am not going to advice you to divorce your husband. But I will remind you that as a Muslim woman you have a responsibility to do what it takes to protect yourself and your children. It is not from Islam that you stay with a husband who is a threat to you and your children. Again, I am not advising you to divorce your husband. If you continue living with your husband though, your experience, your history and your common sense tells you that he will continue behaving in the same threatening/abusive manner. So if you want anything to change, you need to change. Now that does not mean that you try to hit him back and shout louder than he does; doing that will achieve nothing and he will probably abuse you more.

      So you need to do something that is not only different, but intelligent and wise. That is this: you remove yourself and your children from this bad, depressing, life threatening situation you are in. You must also understand that your husband needs help and you cannot give it yourself.

      You can either report him to the police and let them deal with things. If you do not feel strong enough to do this, then ask a family member or friend to help you move to a safer place. Atleast if you are away from him, you can breath and think without his fear hanging over your head. Once you are stronger, you will be in a better position to know what to do next.

      Sister, I know this is hard for you and we can help you if you wish for us to help you - I do hope you allow us to do so. I want you to remember that your children are innocent and will be extremely negatively affected if they are continued to be exposed to this violent and threating behaviour. You need to be strong for yourself and for them.

      Let us know if you wish for one of our Editors to help you in private.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  2. Dear Asma, Asalaamualaykum,

    In addition to the above two comments: When someone is under the influence of alcohol, they are not in their sane mind and are capable of committing the most henious of crimes. So do not be fooled into thinking that you can help your husband. He needs professional help and by you staying there, he will continue to abuse you and your children. He has already threatened to kill you, so whether he starts laughing and joking after this, buys you flowers and chocolates, or just simply says sorry and begs for your forgiveness; he is not to be trusted. Nobody threatens to kill his wife and children as a joke.

    Have you confided in any family or friends? It would be good if someone could physically help you, although you can do this yourself too. But, family/friends supporting you will be a bonus. Without alerting your husband, confide in a family member and when you see a safe moment, take your children and leave. If it is possible to do so, take your passport and any legal documents you may require. If you cannot take anything, then just leave for now. The important thing is that you are in a safe place. 'Things' can be retrieved later. Once you are in a safe place and have protection with family/friends/authorities, you will be in a stronger position to decide what to do next.

    Please feel free to ask for one of our Editors to contact you by email. No-one will force you to do anything. We will try our best to giude you at your own pace.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  3. Assalaamu alaikum.
    I agree with everything that Umm Abdullah said. I urge you to leave as soon as you can! Do you have someone you can go, for instance with family? If you do, please leave with your children immediately. (It is probably better to do this while he is not around again for your own and your childrens safety.) Dont tell him your leaving. Dont disclose your plans AT ALL. Make sure your children dont either! Your and your childrens safety is paramount.

    Make arrangements immediately. Try to take any important documents if you know where they are (such as passports etc) If you cannot get hold of these, it may STILL be best for you to leave! You need to get out of there as soon as possible. No one deserves to be treated this way! Once you have left, keep your location secret. Contacting the police would also be a good idea. Please sister get out for your sake, and especially your childrens sake. Dont fall for him saying he is sorry - violent abusers are very good at manipulating you to come back. Leave dear sis and dont look back!

    I dont know what country you are in but if you dont have any options for accomadation there are organisations who can sort this for you. You have options. If you want, one of our editors can contact you privately to help, just let us know on here if you would like this.

    I pray that Allah swt helps you through this, and keeps you and your children safe!
    Ameen.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

    Please leave immediately!! Do you have family, friends that are able to help? They are many local facilities set up to help abused women, especially in North America. Have you spoken to anyone - your wali? You really need help and must not be in this situation it's not good for anyone - including him!!! Please speak with someone, your wali, local Imam, local hotline for abused women, search for options and ask them their opinion before you let your husband know anything. Perhaps it would not be wise to let him know you are looking for a way out, or to get help because he might react even more aggressively. Quietly reach out to someone local...search online for your local masjid. Just don't accept this as "normal" or tell yourself you need to bear with it and be patient! Please look for physical, tangible help in your area. May Allah subhanhu wa tala make it easy for you.. Ameen. Be strong my dear sister!! Those that put their trust in Allah subhanhu wa tala, He makes a way out for them, and blesses them from ways they never imagined. Turn to Allah subhanhu wa tala for help ...and make an effort to seek out support.

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