Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Don’t love husband anymore and don’t know what to do.

Cold heart, emotionless, cold husband, husband doesnt care

In the beginning, I didnt feel an attraction to him but I told myself I should get to know him a bit more. At one point I do believe I loved him but now where I am at, Im not so sure. Now he just feels like a friend/sibling to me and I cant have sex with him anymore. I dont really like him anymore and he loves me with all of his heart. We just bought a house and he will be starting a new job that pays over 6 figures. We are both only 22 and I dont know what to do. He treats me great, pays for everything, calls me every day, says he loves me, we never fight. I'm just stuck and it is making me really depressed. I am in college and everyday I am out, I just think there is someone out there better. He's super handsome like model status but Im not attracted to him. Is there anyway I could make myself love him? Has anyone gone through this and it turned out better? Did you think you married the wrong person? I dont know what to do. My depression is making me so sad and I havent eaten in 3 days.

ssduff44

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16 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaykum my dear sister. It hurts me to see you in this condition. May Allah ease your affairs and show you the right path. Allah has given you the typical "perfect" husband at such a young age. Sister I have this feeling that some other people are jealous and as a result put "ain" or the evil eye on your marriage. This does happen and it usually comes from people you would never expect.
    My advise to you is to get closer to Allah and ask him to guide you, forgive you and assist you. Wallahi he will help, he says in the Quran. If my servant asks of me, tell him I am near. At the mean time, contemplate on the blessings Allah has given you sister. You are blessed and this is just a matter of Shaitan trying to break a new halal family apart.

  2. Mark my words like one man like all after a name married/ divorcee it haunts you all your life when you think of going into another relationship you will get taunted throughout all your life you are indeed a very lucky lady

  3. Salam sister,

    Why did you marry him in the first place? Think about what made you agree to a life shared forever.
    It sounds like he is a great guy. A good friend to you, too. He provides for you while you are at school, and doesn't mind it. Sometimes he may want to have relations with you, so let him. It's not the end of the world. Don't give the angels any reason to curse you. Keep trying, ask to go on dates with him, ask to go on vacations together. If you don't "love" him, then at least talk to him like a best friend. Joke around with him, have fun with him. Share secrets together. Don't give up.
    Love like you see in the movies and on social media is fake. This is real; this is your life together, so grow it. After marriage, everyone's eyes become open. There is nothing better in the world than being besties with the one you are married to.
    Salam,
    Shereen

  4. Maybe the issue isn't with your husband but something deeper within yourself if you are this depressed. IF you say he is such a great guy then figure out what else the issue is. Love comes with time. Appreciate the times you have together now and focus on the good times and connections you have with him and inshallah it will grow

  5. As Salam Alaikum,

    Dear ssduff44, I totally agree with what every one said here. You are very lucky girl, if he loves you with whole heart than love him for it. Saitan is trying to break you apart, and yes there are evil eyes, shir, black magic and stuff like that. So, pray 5 times, ask Allah (swt) for help, and trust me HE (swt) will create Love between you two. Also, the love that you are looking for is only in movies, where you see 2 people always happy and joking but its all BS (excuse my language).

    Please sis, do not break this relationship and do not look for someone better. What you have is BEST. I am a guy and after being divorce, it is the worst thing that can happen to anyone.

    May Allah (swt) create love and send his mercy upon two of you,

    Allah hafiz..

  6. Sister your husband has a right over you and you have a right over your husband. If you feel like there isn't much intimacy in marriage you have the right to ask him for sex. It's a blessing from Allah within marriage only ofcourse. It may be that he is finding it difficult to approach you. But as he isn't making that move you need to tell him. I'm sure he would understand and starts to be more open about it.

  7. Another example of Signs of no Deen in each other's life. ..Regardless of wealth beauty status intelligence. ..if we are not obeying the commandments of Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad S.a.w. then we will never be happy or content..we will face stress and depression

    BECAUSE ALLAH IS THE CONTROLLER OF EVERYTHING ..THIS WORLD IS IN OBEDIENCE TO ALLAH EG.
    CLOUDS MOON STARS TREES MOUNTAIN ANIMAL'S BUT HUMANBEIN'S HAVE THAT FREE WILL TO CHOSE. .THAT IS TO UNDERSTAND HIS HERS PURPOSE IN LIFE BUT THE FACT IS THE HEART THAT BEATS WILL STOP ONE DAY .
    .DO YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER IT?2 PEOPLE DIAGNOSIS WITH THE SAME SYMPTOMS. .BOTH GET THE SAME TREATMENT. .ONE PERSON DIES AND THE OTHER BECOMES HEALTHY AND LIVES. ..YOU SEE WE ARE SO DISTRACTED I THIS WORLD AND IT'S TEMPORARY ILLUSION'S
    WHEN A HUMAN BEING GOES AGAINST THE CREATOR FOR WHAT HE WAS CREATED FOR...HE BASICALLY CURSES HIMSELF!UNKNOWINGLY ...MOST OF ALL THERE IS INVISIBLE ENEMY WHO IS ALWAYS PRESENT WHISPERING EVIL OR SOMETHING THAT WILL KEEP YOU OCCUPIED WITH THE WORLD...AS LONG AS YOU STAY AWAY FROM PIOUS PEOPLE SALAT QURAN AND E ERYTHING THAT WILL MAKE YOUR HEART SOUL BODY MIND CONNECTED WITH ALLAH..
    From this you will have barakah peace happiness and people will love you..

    Haram and halal should be observed ...interest music adultery are the downfall of this world.As you can see punishment will increase.

    People will suffer die and so fourth .All be a use of disobedience to Allah!!! Your husband is working for nothing in short. ..When 8 was in my teens I wa's brought up in a rich family.I partied hard until one day somebody close died..I was a thinker and wanted to find what is are purpose.Yes my life was full of problems but I did have eery thing. .
    I guess I wasn't content....but I can say it was Allah plan..When I found my religion everything made sense. All the answers I was looking for was found ..so simple and natural.I studied in u.k and then at age 30 I got married to a women 10yrs younger and who was a Sunni scholor. I DEFINITELY CAN SAY WOW ALLAH SAVED ME ..I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON .WITH 2 KIDS ..THERE ISN'T A DAY THAT I FELT DEPRESSED LIKE I DID IN THE PREVIOUSLY WORLDLY LIFE I LIVED AND I WOULD NEVER CHANGE IT FOR ANYTHING..

    • Explain to me how you have answered the OPs, problem.

      Allah can only help those who will help themselves. So reading out hadith and giving a lecture about haram isn't going to solve the OPs problem is it. There's no mention of any haram activities in the the OPs question so why ramble on about a completely different matter?

  8. Salam,

    Do you have a good idea of what kind of guy you find attractive? Other things that could be affecting your marriage are either you were in love with someone else or perhaps you're not really attracted to men. Are either of those true?

  9. I simply do not understand how a question about one's marriage can get the kind of silly answers we see in this thread.

    Let me put it this way.

    The OP has said her husband meets her financial and most of her emotional needs. He has given her a house and expresses his love for her. He is not holding back on intimacy, it appears the OP is. He is young and hard working and from the outside appears to be the kind of husband that any woman would like.

    But the OP is being ungrateful and one hadith comes to mind more than any other in this case, the one about more women being in hell because they are ungrateful for what their husbands do for them.

    One of two things will happen.

    1. You take the advice from people who don't live in the real world and live in the world of Bollywood/Hollywood (fantasy). Your marriage ends because of YOU and then in the future you find a husband who may or not be as good your current husband, but you'll never be happy because you are the one who wants perfection.

    2. You learn to appreciate just how lucky you are and that the grass is not greener on the other side. In time you'll see him for his kindness and hard work. You may love him again and your intimacy returns natually because we all have such desires.

    I think option 2 is much better and just about anyone who's experienced life will tell you the same.

    I too had an arranged marriage, so it was impossible to love my wife at the start, but over time we learnt and grew together and Alhamdulilah we are happily married and love each other.

    If you open your strict and solid heart, maybe you'll find that love to.

    As for all the other answers here, they're all junk because they're not addressing the root cause of your unhappiness, which is you.

  10. Sister I'm feeling sad that u r not valuing your hubby plus buddy, don't ever think that after taking divorce from him you will be able to find someone nicer than him . What if u will find someone really bad??? So kindly do istekhara and ask God to help you, try to be more friendly with him and spend more time with him pls. Don't leave him , he sounds very reasonable person just like my brothers. I can bet he will always keep u happy In Sha Allah. Recite 4 Quls and Ayatulkursi everyday, Allah will help you.

  11. Sister dont be such un ungrateful and selfish person!!!
    Wallahi wht u have there are so many women in this world wishing and dream to have. Having a loving, careing, respacting and hardworking husband really is one the blessings of allah. Learn how to respact this blessing and ur husband. U might have read some stories on this site urself about how men cheat on their wifes betried their girlfrinds making fake promises and at the end dump them then run after anther woman. Living in such a crule and full of lies world once u lost him (ur husband) u will never get anyone better then him!!! U might find someone bad but diffinitly not better one!!!
    Hope all these comments has helped u to change ur mind.. try to give the love and respact ur husband deserve. Do not break his heart by saying i dont love u etc etc.. instead strenthen ur relitionship with him.

    Goodluck.

  12. Unlike the other advisers, I'm not going to tell you how lucky and ungrateful you are. I mean, you are lucky to have a husband that sounds great on paper, but if you are not attracted to him and experience him more as your friend or sibling...that's not right. A wife shouldn't feel like she's kissing or having sex with her brother every time she kisses or has sex with her husband. That's revolting. To all of those telling this woman how lucky she is, I'd love to know how many of you would want to share a marriage bed with your friend or sibling. If any of you say it's a genuine desire of your's, then you are sick in the head, lol.

    Anyway, I think you made a huge mistake in marrying this man, thinking your feelings for him would change after marriage. It's mostly unfair on your husband, because he married you thinking he has a future with you. Your doubts has lead this man in to a marriage trap, and that's really not good of you. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if there's ANY possibility of you feeling attraction towards your husband. If his inherent personality and the way he looks is something that's never going to be in your taste, then...do the right thing and let this man go. He sounds like a great man, and he could make someone else really happy. As a Muslim woman, I can tell you that we aren't exactly spoiled for options in good men - most Muslim men make lousy husbands with their hypocrisy, controlling nature, conservative ways, Islamic ignorance and cultural backwardedness - and the few good Muslim men there is usually prefer non-Muslim women. So...if you don't want this man, let someone else have and enjoy him. Anything else would indeed be ungrateful and selfish.

    • "He sounds like a great man, and he could make someone else really happy. As a Muslim woman, I can tell you that we aren't exactly spoiled for options in good men - most Muslim men make lousy husbands with their hypocrisy, controlling nature, conservative ways, Islamic ignorance and cultural backwardedness - and the few good Muslim men there is usually prefer non-Muslim women."

      You shouldn't be giving any advice or commenting on matters to anyone anywhere with this kind of attitude.

      Most muslim men make lousy husbands? I don't like quoting Hadith unless there is a valid reason to do so as they can often be interpreted in different ways for one's own agenda.

      However there is a hadith where the Prophet PBUH said that he was surprised at what he saw in hell. There were more women than men in hell.

      The reason is because more women are ungrateful than men for their married lives. If women lowered some of their expectations and put away the concept of this material lifestyle they wanted, they'd be a lot happier.

      That's not to say all men are angels and all women are not, but you get the point.

      You're telling this woman to leave her husband. The shaytaan is most pleased when a marriage fails. The first advice anyone should give to anyone regarding marriage is to work on it.

      As for the comment as seeing your husband as your brother, if he's not your brother then that's psychological and needs to be worked on. She sees her husband as her friend? Isn't that a good thing? I see my wife as my best friend, my wife would say the same of me. Is that the whole point of marriage? To be lovers, partners and friends?

      None of what this OP says is grounds to end a marriage. It is precisely the kind of breakup that pleases the shaytaan.

      Don't give your stupid marriage breakling advice to anyone again.

      • And who are you again to tell me what to do and what not to do? What makes you such an expert on Islam and marriage to tell me, or anyone else, that we give stupid and even "Satan loving" advice? Get over yourself, seriously, Mister Internet Fake Imam.

        If a person says there's nothing to work on in their marriage, then that's what I go by when I give advice. I don't know any of you personally, so all I have to go by is the info given in a post. The woman feels no attraction for her husband, how many years of her own and his life does she need to waste before making a final decision? 20 years? 30 years? You tell me, Internet Shaykh.

        Also, I go by what I see in reality - and in my reality, Muslim men is who you marry if you want a life of problems, deceit, betrayal, hypocrisy and misery. Sorry I don't live in the same Lalaland you live in, where us women are the ungrateful, materialistic ones with amazing husbands that caters for our selfish, bratty needs.

        I don't know which hadiths are manufactured, and which are not - frankly, there's often no way to tell, even by experts. But it sure does sound convenient to make women believe they make up most of Hell through a hadith. Muslim men often marry women that are haram for them (non-religious Christians and Jews, and even Atheists and Agnostic), lie and take (secret) 2nd wives with no consideration for their 1st wife and 1st family, Muslim kids too often hate their fathers because of their controlling and abusive nature (again, just read the many stories on here) - but women are the ones that mostly go to Hell for liking materials and, maybe, being a bit bratty?

        Lastly, I personally do see something wrong in seeing your partner as your friend, because a partner is in fact not a friend. We have to differentiate between relationships in order to understand where we stand with people . You are not a husband to your mother, nor are you a mother to your brother, or a sister to your dog. Also, you are not a wife to your friend, or a friend to your wife. Part of a marriage is sharing a deep connection and bonds that exceeds the one of friendship, because you share your most intimate sphere with that person. It's not the same as friendship. Hopefully, you don't kiss and sleep with your friends.

        Just because your go bowling with your spouse and tell them jokes, like you do with your friends, doesn't mean they are suddenly your buddy.

        • I would be very surprised if you are married or will get married anytime soon with that attitude.

          You continue with your ramble about how bad men are and it's without any evidence.

          If the OP takes your advice, she'll be ending her marriage and she'll never get married again because as you say, Muslim men are bad and evil.

          Give it a rest please.

          None of us are pretending to be Imams or sheikhs on here. We're giving sensible and proper advice.

          Our advice to this woman is to work on the marriage rather than end it. I mean she must have seen something in him to marry him in the first place right?

          As for your final point about friends and the role we have in various relationships. Just look up in the Oxford Dictionary what a friend is defined as and then come back and tell us that a husband and wife shouldn't be friends for a healthy marriage. It's not to say they should only be friends with other.

          You really have a narrow minded and sad view of men. If anything your post further enhances the point I originally made, your advice is rubbish and you are asking the OP to break her marriage over something that can easily be worked on.

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