I don’t love my wife and dont know what to do
Assalamu Aleikum,
I came across this site after searching for answers to some of the problems in my life.
I am a 37 year old man, married now for over 15 years. We have 2 children together. I also have a child from a relationship I had 20 years ago. In my youth I was no angel, I must admit. Something I am not proud of but I love my children very dearly.
After having my 1st child I got married shortly after to my present wife. My parents at the time were quite keen on getting me married asap. I agreed and it was an arranged married. I went to Umrah and tried to repent my ways and to start a new life, a new beginning.
We had our first child and the marriage seemed fine. I did love her at this time. 2 years later we had our 2nd child. Something had changed now. I didnt feel the same way as in the past. I was not involved with anyone nor did anyone have any influence over me. But I knew I didnt love her anymore. I have tried leaving for holidays to clear my mind and give each other space, so as to see if any feelings are reborn.
From then until now, I have lived my life as each day comes. My parents who I live with have been through so much over the years. My older sister has been estranged from the family ever since she has got married. We rarely see her children. My younger brother has been divorced from his 1st wife. He had 2 children to her who we dont see at all now as she has moved away.
My wife is loving, caring and as any good wife should be. With me having no love for her I get frustrated and angry easily. I can be in a bad temper over the smallest of things. I don't like going out together or staying in the same room too long. We sleep together from time to time.
I have never spoken about my feelings to my wife or anyone, until recently I broke down to my brother. He was comforting and assuring in the sense I shouldnt do anything as it would hurt my parents because they have gone through so much, also that the children are older now and it could affect them.
I really dont know what to do now. Each day is a challenge for my mind and soul. I sometimes think if I have lived like this for so many years, surely I can just "get on with it". But I want to love, and be with someone who I am happy with, enjoy the company of and most of all want to spend the rest of my life with.
Please could someone advise as to what I can do or should do? I am open to criticism or praise however you judge me.
Jazakallah
- simple-me
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Salam Br. Simple-me
One simple question to ask yourself as you try to "get on with it": Do you have ANY guarantee that you WILL find the "love" you are looking for?
No one has the answer we all would want to here to that question, including you. This "love" thing is something that media has fed us, and also, unfortunately your own admission to not being an angel in your younger days has probably made ideas int your mind of what "love" would be and could be.I am just going to say this bluntly: This is why pre-marital relations are not allowed - you are most likely comparing your wife to your prior physical relations and have just gotten used to her and crave excitement. Please try to seek this excitement (="love") with her in the halal relationship. I fear that if you do leave her, you will revert back to your singledom days and create problems for your aakhirah - this wife in your life who sounds like a nice woman, is being your garment and is saving you from that kind of life.
Serendipity,
I found the above image for this post but decided to use another one as you must have seen before. But after reading your comment, I changed it to my original choice. Its suits the author's issue more. If the image is not clear, this is what it says on the glasses: 'I hope you find what you're looking for'.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brother, may you be blessed.
Well, the question and answer of loving someone is very personal. Nobody can answer it better than yourself. But then you need to ask yourself this, what is it about your wife that you dislike her so much? You told us that she's a good wife, then what's the problem? Don't you have anything in common with her? Some fun activities that you can do together? You know, mistakes that most married couples do these days are that they do Not spend enough quality time together, just the two of them, thus the bond that should exist between the husband and wife weakened, and later on will fade. This is the time to be romantic, to be fun, daring. Show that you care. Try to appreciate her. Try to love her again. She Is your wife after all, so naturally the feeling of love will come back enshallah. Another thing is that I think you are surrounded of other people's marriages problems that may influence your behaviour towards your wife. Try to distant yourself from all these problematic people, and just try to focus to your life. Another thing to Not forget is of course, ask Allah for His love as well.. For if Allah loves you, He would want the best for you, and for your family. Have you really tried to Love your wife? To showers her with love and affection?
If this problem turns malignant, well maybe you need to talk to your wife. As heart-breaking as it will be, of course you need to be fair in your actions, and of course we would want you to be happy. But brother, don't give up without trying everything that you can. Pray to Allah so that He opens you heart to her again. Repent, as for forgiveness, and just try to love
Allah knows best
Salam,
I know what your going through. I have these feeling towards my husband. We also have 2 children. You say shes loving,caring,etc. I don't see the problem there. My husband is mean, jealousy over nothing. He barely talks to me. I cook for him and he doesn't eat it. I'm going through a lot and that's why I changed my feelings.
You on other hand sound like maybe you should reconnect. Keep kids with your mother. Take your wife on a 2 day vacation. Just you and her. Reconnect the feelings you once had. Trust me maybe she got a vibe from you, so maybe shes backing away from you and you wouldn't want that. Try, try to stay somewhat in love because once your out in love its hard to get back in love with that person. Maybe you can't. You two have to walk. You've been married for 15 years, now come on. You sound like a good Muslim guy. I feel like why throw away 15 years. Rebound. Tell her you love her, surprise her with roses. Watch a movie with her while kids are sleeping. Anything :))) good luck with everything!!!
Simple me,
Sounds to me like you have an amazing woman. My advice: go to dinner just the two of you. Make some time for just the two of you. Within our marriages we often give so much of ourselves to others that we often have no time for "us". You say "My wife is loving, caring and as any good wife should be". Rekindle what you have. Your marriage to me sounds like something you need to work on and save.
Salam
ask her to change her hair to how u like it treat her to some new clothes go on holiday together soun ds like u need it then prey to allah swt and hold on to the special relationship marrage b kind to her /u and go easy on urself u may have been under pressure latley or thinking too much on bad things everyone has bad parts and good inshaallah ul find love again
If your wife is still a good wife, it sounds like you would hurt her a lot if you leave her. It also sounds like she loves you. Ask yourself when you wanna go looking for love if you really wanna start over., or are you ready to deal with rejection all over again. Its not easy to spend 15 years with one person and then try to find another. Make it work. She is yours. Make your intimate life spicy... I bet you 2 dont really have much of an intimate life. Better give it your best, and all of your effort. How will she know what you want if you dont tell her
Bro, if you can't feel better than look for someone and ge married again.. Not only will it make you realise how important and great is your first wife it would give you more variety and sort after sort of feeling. Also try to look for someone who is divorced and have kids or widowed so that you can support someone else, this problem of yours is a very comman 'men' thing. Also make sure you take your first wife in confidence before marrying again as otherwise it can have some consequences including and not ruling out divorce.
If you find someone eligible to get married to and then explain everything to her.. She will agree for your children's sake and then you can live happily again. Also, make dua to Allah before you embark on this journey.
I know polygamy is a questionable thing in our society but trust me we men do have issues sometimes and Allah knows that's why he has allowed it.
Take care and I hope you find someone soon.
Ma3salam
I agree with mr.Polygamy
well, im just a teen but i know how it feels to love someone and have feelings for someone forcefully, it kinda gets irritating. But u really do have a loving and caring life partner, its just that u always tend to find something wrong in her. After knowing what ur brother and sister have gone through, u are a really blessed man, MASHALLAH. U have two beautiful children, a loving wife, and that completes a perfect family that i would call. U just need to get over it, u r denying ur wife without any reason, give her time, talk to her, share ur feelings, and then see how smooth u guys will carry on, INSHALLAH.
I am in almost the exact same situation , I am not attracted to my wife mentally or physically . My brother has gone through a divorce, I married for the sake of my parents but now I have two children and feel trapped in the relationship . We hardly ever sleep together and I feel as if I am being very unfair to her putting her through all of this. I was born in the UK and my wife in a village in Pakistan. We are on a totally different wavelength. She is not a bad person but without sounding arrogant , I think I can do much better. I turned to Islam and started practising a lot more to see if I could salvage something from this marriage but my feelings towards her have not changed, she knows what annoys me and what I want from her but she continues to do actions which annoy me. I have truly sacrificed my own happiness for my parents happiness. My children make me happy but I cannot truly ever make my wife happy and vice versa . I have resigned to the fact that I will be in this situation for my whole life, marrying again or divorcing would cause so much problems within the family so I have ruled out this option. But I agree that there are no fairytale endings in real life and I'm just getting on with it but I cannot fulfill my wife's needs as there is no attraction at all from my side and it's something which I cannot force. Allah knows best
Assalaam alaikum,
There are many marriages like yours. Women with men or men with women who "think" they can do better and often, it is true. However, sometimes, being with someone "better" comes with a completely different package and there may be other things are difficult.
Have a sit down with your wife and explain to her that you are struggling in the marriage and need her help. If she is from a village, maybe you crave for her to know more about the modern world (I am just guessing here, could be something else)--get her to take some classes and have her exposed to life outside the home. Don't just give up. Fight for what you want within resources that you have. It will not happen over night, but let's say there are 10 things you want in your marriage, at least you can fight for 5 to 8 of them.
What's done is done and what you did for your family is history now. So, push for change in your marriage and ask Allah swt for help. Be sincere in your du'a (meaning make du'a by beleiving that what you want can be achieved, ie. happiness in your marriage via...whatever it is that you want) and confess to Allah swt that you need His help and that you want to improve your affairs. Inn shaa Allah Brother, good will come.
Hey bro I fully understand you as I am in the exact situation as yours. Literally exactly same situation I’m grown up here she’s from back home. But I decided to keep a year break meaning moving out not Sleepig next to each other etc. Still be a good dad however. And after a year if I’m not happy with her still I’ll move on and live as a single dad or maybe move on. Time will decide that. I think we should be a bit more selfish when it comes to stuff like marriage which directly will affect you. I always look at it this way after 20-40 years my parents will be dead I’ll be left with my wife whom I do not love or care about at all. That will hurt me sooo much. So better to take care of it now.
Salam,
Wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn. Thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor