Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t trust my ex and his girlfriend with our son

muslimah mother child

How can I protect my son from un-Islamic influences?

Assalamu Alaikum

The last time I wrote on here I received a lot of great feedback from strangers who I've never met, but yet helped me in so many ways. I am writing again because this time its an issue stemming off of the one i had before.

Long story short, I was not a practicing muslim before, I met a man who was older, he taught me about islam, helped me change and we fell in love in the process. The way my story ends is usually the same way most love stories do, the man cheats, lies about his piety and religiousness, (regardless that she has changed everything about herself to please him) then, the woman finds out she's pregnant, she continues to stay with him and tries to make it work but, he continues to cheat and lie and eventually she leaves him because she realizes that's not the life she wants to live. I won't drag the story between my ex and i on because what happened between my relationship with my ex isn't important now. i am married to someone who is much more deserving of me.

However, the issue now is that my son is turning four this year and his father wants to take him to the state where he lives with his new girlfriend and daughter. When we first met he pretended to be practicing, and only later did i realize that he was not a practicing muslim at all. The woman he is with now has two kids from a previous relationship, is a kafir bimbo he met on the internet who takes her clothes off and poses on instagram, letting nasty men stare at her body and comment things that are extremely disturbing.

They havent been together even 1 year she had a kid with my ex. For the past two-three years we have been arguing on and on about our son visiting him in the other state. We have been bickering about this topic since after we split up and ever since then it has only gotten worse and with less progress then before, usually ending with him wanting to take me to court and sue me for custody etc. i have good reasons to feel defensive and objective to his request, mainly because he lives a life that is completely opposite of the life i live with our son. And we had agreed that we would raise our boy to be a muslim, but he's more laid back about his religion and believes that practicing is unnecessary so long as you believe.

I am, alahmudlillah, a practicing sister and so is my husband, we live a completely halal lifestyle and we do our best to practice according to Quran and the sunnah. My problem is that i have extreme fears (probably fueled by shaytaan) of letting our son go with his father to another state during winter, spring and summer vacations. I spoke to him about this and he tells me openely that our son will be around his girlfriend and i cant help but object to this knowing that its wrong and its haram to begin with.

I want my son to be a good muslim surrounded by people who are practicing muslims and doing everything in their power to strive and be better people in this society, yet his father is doing the opposite and i feel like he's going to be undoing all the hard work i have put into teaching our son the important fundamentals of islam. No one can understand the torture and pain i feel in my heart and my soul when i have no choice but to grant my ex the right to visitation knowing that if i dont then id be headed to court in no time. What saddens me the most is that im throwing my child into a situation that might scar him and bring much fitnah to his life later on. I feel so saddened by this but my choices are limited. If i dont allow him these visitations, then i may end up going to court and in return actually lose more time with my son.

The problem is the society and the fact that we live in a kafir country. The law is not on our side as muslim parents and no matter how much i try to protect and keep my son away from these bad representations, my ex on the other hand brings it straight into the home where his son will be staying. I cant give him advice or tell him what to do because my job is to keep track of my family, not him. My job isnt directed towards my sons father, even though i would love nothing more then for him to change and become a practicing brother.

Im stuck in a rut and i dont know what to do. Its ramadan and i aim to make lots of dua, but im starting to feel like im going to lose my son and perhaps not be able to convince him of islam due to his fathers lifestyle. Ive lost all hope in my ex changing and i doubt he ever will. He is a man who follows his whims and desires and he loves the lifestyle he lives regardless of the negative impact it may have on our child or the one he has with his girlfriend. Im starting to feel like my insecurities are getting the best of me. Im starting to question my ability to raise a child and to be a mother, im also starting to wonder why Allah is doing this to me when He knows and Sees how much it pains me.

I sit here crying as i type this because I wish i had never had a child with a man who was not practicing. The issues i have with him and his carelessness and me wanting to raise our child as a muslim, is insane and i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. We cant get along with anything regarding religion because he tells me im extreme or "wahabbi" and constantly reminds me that islam doesnt fit into his lifestyle. If anyone has a child and can imagine being in this sitation, i ask you for some comforting words because this situation is breaking my heart. I love Allah and i love Islam, islam gave me salvation and now i feel like the concrete from under me is shaking and breaking into pieces. i dont think that i would ever forgive myself if i was to bear witness of the day my son takes the footsteps of his father.

On top of already being worried about public schools and the society we live in, now i also have to worry about whats creeping into the house where my son is suppose to be the safest. I have gone to the extremes of not even owning a TV in my home just to protect my son and my husband from fitnah, paying extra money just for my son to go to islamic school and being careful of where i take him and what i do in front of him. Now i feel like all that effort will be going to waste because his father wont see to strive to achieve those same goals when hes with him.

Some family members have told me that as long as i do my part, that my son will see the wrong being done by his father and willingly choose to avoid that lifestyle. I try so hard to make myself believe this because its the only thing holding me from going completely insane. I fear my only child being a kafir or a hypocrite like his father, and i would do anything to prevent that from happening. I am trying to run away from something that wont stop chasing after me. I know its a test, i know Allah is testing me, but this is my baby and i want to do right by him :'(

thank you all for reading
may the blessings of ramadhan be with you all
Keep us in your duas



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9 Responses »

  1. Fatima: The woman he is with now has two kids from a previous relationship, is a kafir bimbo he met on the internet who takes her clothes off and poses on instagram, letting nasty men stare at her body and comment things that are extremely disturbing.

    It is not good to say bad things about some one unless, you have seen pictures like in this case. Looks like you saw it and it is extremely disturbing to you. Your son is only 4 years old and probably not going to look life the way you see it.

    Your ex taught you Islam, you married him and had a baby with him. So he can't be real that bad.

    • "Your ex taught you Islam, you married him and had a baby with him. So he can't be real that bad".

      Not the best logic there. There are many muslims who married and had children, who do horrible things. Just because someone married them proves nothing. People marry for all sorts of reasons, and many women who marry 'bad' men do it because there's something broken in them, too. Maybe later they realize it and start to work on it, and as a result leave the 'bad' man.

      -Amy Editor

      • I have seen these pictures myself with my own eyes and yes you can say its rude and judgmental but what would you say and feel about someone who will be around your child and is taking their clothes off for a living? what, you wouldnt be worried or upset and angry? i have a right to feel the way i feel because im the one going through this not you. i also never said he taught me EVERYTHING i know about islam because if he had taught me everything he knew i would be a fornicating, mutah believing, psychopathic liar just like he is. The only thing he taught me about islam is that praying is necessary and jesus as was a prophet. besides that he never encouraged a single good thing for me to do and was actually against me praying fasting and wearing modest clothing. you have no idea what your talking about.
        And yes people can be that bad. he pretended to be a good person to get with me and as a naive child i fell for it and ended up in the sitation that i am in right now. after the mask came off i saw who he really was and it wasnt a pretty picture.

  2. Assalamualaikum sister I knew exactly what you are going through, the best way to solve the problem is to make istikharah, search it up and follow the steps. I knew everything is not easy and I new it's hard. Watch all if you can it will you inshallah. I will make dua for you sister as long I live inshallah. May all make it easy for all of us ameen

  3. Dear sister ,

    May Allah help and rewards you for your noble intentions .
    I think by default mother is supposed to get custody of child after divorce so what is the problem for you to get the custody of your son?


  4. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,

    A lot of what happens legally will probably be determined by the laws of the specific state that you live in, but I would say that there are a few things in your favor.

    First of all, if he wants access to the child, let him fight you legally (through the court system). He will probably need to come to your state in order to do this, and he may give up due to the time, expense, and inconvenience of the various procedures that are involved.

    If you guys were not married at the time of the birth, he may need to legally establish paternity before he can assert any claims to the child, which means more time, expense, and inconvenience.

    If he does not currently pay support, this fact would be against him in a court.

    I doubt most judges would force a young child to go to another state for visitation as it would be traumatic for a child of this age to be separated from his primary caretaker. He might only get the right to come visit him in your state if paternity has been legally established.

    Consult a lawyer, and see what your situation is. The father definitely cannot force you to put your son on a plane without a court order. Something like this would probably not happen until the child was a bit older and if the father is not the type to persist, he may just give up in court.

    Having said all of the above, I am of the opinion that you will eventually need to think of ways to allow your son's father in his life. While I do not think it is reasonable for him to take him out of the state for prolonged periods at such a young age, there will probably come a day in the future when your son himself feels that he has the right to know his father. As a mother myself, I sincerely understand your concerns, and you should definitely do your best not to allow him into an environment in which he will be unsafe or corrupted. At the same time, I feel it is bad for children when their parents do not get along and talk badly about each other in the presence of their kids. My parents were divorced when I was young, and it used to hurt me when my parents did this. I don't know all the specifics of your situation, though, and cannot say what is right. It would have upset me, though, if my mother tried to prevent me from forming a relationship with my father.

  5. Salaams,

    It seems you take issue not only with your ex and his girlfriend, but the entire society you live in. I guess my question would be, why stay there? If you feel an islamic upbringing is more suitable for your son and your family is more keen toward Islamic culture, why not move to a Muslim country where you can reap the benefit of both? Even Allah says that for people who make such complaints about oppression, that they have the freedom to leave and go elsewhere in the world. Why continue to suffer where you are if you are truly that unhappy and feel it's a risk to your son's wellbeing?

    If you don't exercise that choice, and decide to remain in the west (I'm going to guess somewhere in the USA), then your only solid protection is a court order outlining visitation and child support. I agree that if the boy has been with you all his life and you bring valid concerns to the judge, he won't be forced to travel for visitation at this young age. The judges don't make decisions based on religion strictly. All other things being equal, they look at what's best for the child. Religion seldom plays a role in that, so you don't have to worry about a judge uprooting your son just because you're muslim and your ex is not.

    The last advice I would like to give you is that you can't be so obsessed with controlling the outcome. Allah is the only one in control. He knows what you and your son needs best. He will make a way for His will for both of you to be understood and followed, if that's what you desire. But if you start to take an approach of trying to make everything perfect, believing that it's going to secure a certain outcome for your son's personality or character, you will probably be disappointed in the end. As the mother of 3 sons I can tell you that there is a lot you can't control. Your son has a personality of his own, a will of his own. No matter what you do, he can still make choices you don't like when he gets older. There are no guarantees in parenting, only the commitment we make to do the best we can. After that we have to leave our trust in Allah that he will do justice by our kids in this life and the next.

    -Amy Editor

    • Walaikum assalam
      i cant leave the country and just go move to an islamic one. First off i cant leave because if i do it would be considered kidnapping since my ex has rights as a father too. My son cant leave the country without his fathers permission. If i leave to live in an islamic country, i have to leave my son here. That doesnt do me any good if i cant have my son with me. I have to stay here and do the BEST that i can as a mother while still helping my ex to have some kind of decent relationship with his child. Its not fair to just run off and take my son away because my son deserves to know who his father is and make a decision for himself. My issues are with his behavior and his girlfriend. I needed advice on how i can battle these issues with them while maintaining islamic principles in my son and raising him as a muslim in a country that is not. I would love nothing more then to move back home and be with my son and raise him islamically. but i cant and i shouldnt have to leave this country to have a balance. i have thought many times of how i could live life here and implement islam into my life and my sons, but its not easy because we have to do much more work to keep a sane head on our shoulders.

      Hence, why i dont own a TV or watch movies or even let my son watch inappropriate cartoons, and wanting to put him in a islamic school and pay close attention to who is around him and what they teach him. My ex and his girlfriend, girlfriends, or women who he sleeps with are my issue only when he plans on bringing my innocent child into that world of disaster and sin. He has no accountability for his actions, he just does what he wants and has no shame-meter that tells him he has crossed the line. I assume he will have the same issues with his girlfriend now and the child they have together. He is not an easy person to get along with and once you get on his bad side doesnt matter how much good you have done, he will forget all of that and focus on how he can get back at you.

      I am doing all im doing for the best interest of my child and wanting my son to grow up without wrong ideas of love and what love is as well as marriage and family. i want my son to understand what healthy relationships with God, family and women are like. Not the ones my ex has which only lead to pain, heartache and disappointment. I dont want my son to be taught by his father of how to treat a woman. I dont want my son to see how his father treats women. i dont want my son to see a different woman every time he goes to visit his father because his father cant hold a relationship very long.

      So i get stressed out because i fear of what my son will see and how i can battle reversing those images in his baby brain so he doesnt end up messed up and a kaffir later on in life.

  6. Sister I am a father who is in same situation, have two beautiful daughters who are with a convert non practicing Ex.
    I can say you are right about your concerns but since you spend most of time with your son .. just show her deen in your time.

    But please do not take away fatherhood due to this concern as Allah says in summary " If Allah guide some body no one will misguide him and if he misguide no one will guide him "

    May be Allah shows the right path to your Ex through your son .

    Just as an example I am in more worse situation then you. Have a visiting right of my two year old ... but every second my concern is to give my daughter some thing about Allah. Some time my ex says daughter keep ask her to pray and reminds her ... even though my ex is convert and not really interested in deen ..

    So my last request is don't take father hood for your concern .. just have faith and do right .. tell your ex about your concern ... Inshallah every thng will be good

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