Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Don’t want to lose my third husband

Lahore street scene and pedestrians, circa 1975.

"He has now left me and gone back to Pakistan."

Question:

Salam, I have been widowed twice and got married for the third time 6 years ago. We had problems in the marriage and my husband would run to his mum and tell her. She told him to divorce me but he wouldn't.

Then I saw the true side of him in 6 years: gambling, drugs, women etc. But i carried on with him because I don't want to lose another husband.

He has now left me and gone to Pakistan and not even phoned me but he sent me a email when I told him to tell his parents about his problems and he said he did and that now he doesn't want nothing to do with me.

The thought of a 3rd husband leaving me has made me very depressed and i just want him back. I pray my namaz, is there any thing i can read so he will come back? I love him so much and want him back, please help.

- Sabina

Sister Z's Answer:

Asalaamualaikum Sabina,

Dear Sister, you are going through a very difficult time. Try to console yourself with reminders that these trials are sent from Allah to test our faith and to strengthen our eemaan.

We cannot force a situation to go the way we want it to because ultimately Allah is the Greatest of all Planners. When we submit to this ideology, it will bring some ease to our hearts.

We as humans can only try and make an effort in the right way, and then leave the rest to Allah. If we are striving in Allah's way, rest assured that whatever the outcome, it will be good for us.

Allah says in Surah Maidah, Verse 35:
"O ye who believe! Do your duty to Allah, seek the means of approach unto Him, and strive with might and main in His cause: that ye may prosper."

I know a lady who has lost three of her five children in her life time - but Alhumdulillah. It is a test from Allah.

***
If you are asking for something which you really like, always remember that whatever you are asking for may not be always in your best interest. Allah (swt) states in the Quran:

“It may be that you hate something when it is good for you and it may be that you love something when it is bad for you. Allah (swt) knows and you know not.”[Surah al-Baqara, 216]

Always let Allah (swt) decide what is right for you and what is wrong for you instead of implying or imposing that you know better:

How to Make Dua

***
Sister, if your husband is indulging in gambling, drugs and women - it seems that Allah is 'saving' you. Do you really and honestly want a husband who does these things? Deep down your fears stem not from 'the thought of losing this man as your husband', but from the fear of being alone and divorced a 3rd time'.  I am sure that you would love to have a husband who is good in deen and character hence loving, sincere, kind towards you. Do not worry about being divorced another time. You may be worried about the cultural stigma of being divorced; but there is no sin in divorcing if your intentions/deeds are pure. Allah will help you this time just as He(swt) helped you the previous times.

There are some sisters who have not been married at all - so they are facing difficulties there. My point is that we all face difficulties in something or other, be it through families, relationships, jobs, etc. All of it though has one focal point and reminder and that is to improve our relationship with Allah and to remember we should try to face every difficulty as a test of our deen.

Sometimes Allah gives us these trials to make us wake us up spiritually aswell. When we are sad, Allah wants us to turn to Him with full sincerity and to be patient in awaiting His reward.

So use this time and opportunity to turn to Allah and ask for His forgiveness. Also Thank Him for saving you.

Pray : "Our Lord! Grant Unto Us a Spouse And Offspring Who Will Be The Comfort Of Our Eyes, And Give Us (the Grace) To Lead The Righteous." (al-qur'an 25:74)

Pray: “To Allah belongs whatever he takes, and to Him belongs what He gives. Everything to Him has a decreed life, so be patient and seek the reward with Allah."

May Allah give you patience and eemaan and a pious and loving husband - Aameen

Sister Z
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum Sabina,

    Dear Sister, you are going through a very difficult time. Try to console yourself with reminders that these trials are sent from Allah to test our faith and to strengthen our eemaan.

    We cannot force a situation to go the way we want it to because ultimately Allah is the Greatest of all Planners. When we submit to this ideology, it will bring some ease to our hearts.

    We as humans can only try and make an effort in the right way, and then leave the rest to Allah. If we are striving in Allah's way, rest assured that whatever the outcome, it will be good for us.

    Allah says in Surah Maidah, Verse 35:
    "O ye who believe! Do your duty to Allah, seek the means of approach unto Him, and strive with might and main in His cause: that ye may prosper."

    I know a lady who has lost three of her five children in her life time - but Alhumdulillah. It is a test from Allah.

    ***
    If you are asking for something which you really like, always remember that whatever you are asking for may not be always in your best interest. Allah (swt) states in the Quran:

    “It may be that you hate something when it is good for you and it may be that you love something when it is bad for you. Allah (swt) knows and you know not.”[Surah al-Baqara, 216]

    Always let Allah (swt) decide what is right for you and what is wrong for you instead of implying or imposing that you know better. Read this: How to Make Dua

    ***
    Sister, if your husband is indulging in gambling, drugs and women - it seems that Allah is 'saving' you. Do you really and honestly want a husband who does these things? Deep down your fears stem not from 'the thought of losing this man as your husband', but from the fear of being alone and divorced a 3rd time'. I am sure that you would love to have a husband who is good in deen and character hence loving, sincere and kind towards you. Do not worry about being divorced another time. You may be worried about the cultural stigma of being divorced; but there is no sin in divorcing if your intentions/deeds are pure. Allah will help you this time just as He(swt) helped you the previous times.

    There are some sisters who have not been married at all - so they are facing difficulties there. My point is that we all face difficulties in something or other, be it through families, relationships, jobs, etc. All of it though has one focal point and reminder and that is to improve our relationship with Allah and to remember we should try to face every difficulty as a test of our deen.

    Sometimes Allah gives us these trials to wake up spiritually aswell. When we are sad, Allah wants us to turn to Him with full sincerity and to be patient in awaiting His reward.

    So use this time and opportunity to turn to Allah and ask for His forgiveness. Also Thank Him for saving you.

    Pray : "Our Lord! Grant Unto Us a Spouse And Offspring Who Will Be The Comfort Of Our Eyes, And Give Us (the Grace) To Lead The Righteous." (al-qur'an 25:74)

    Pray: “To Allah belongs whatever he takes, and to Him belongs what He gives. Everything to Him has a decreed life, so be patient and seek the reward with Allah."

    May Allah give you patience and eemaan and a pious and loving husband - Aameen

  2. Asalamu alikum,
    Sister i Know you are going through alot, and that losing another husband is traumatic. Transitions are scary for anyone going through a big change. But sister please hang in there, I know ur hurting right now, but this might be a blessing in disguise. iF you pray and beleive in Allah just trust in him and have faith that Allah will take care of you and heal your wounds.

    I would encourage you to read the story of Prophet Job, who lost many things in his life, but was still very thankful to Allah and was constant in his worship and appreciation for the things he still had.

    I know this hurts right now, but time will heal this wound, and Allah with all his wisdom will take care of you sis. And sister, you are a wonderful, beautiful and intelligent woman, and you need a husband who loves you as much as you love him. Dont lower your standards because of lonliness at this point. Just have patience, pray and go on with your life and inshallah,Allah will provide for you if you with someone who actually cares about you.

    And sis, if you have any family or friends, this would be a good time to turn to them, because you need emotional support and someone to just talk to and spend time with not that your husband is not your life.

    I hope this helps,
    Take care of yourself sis.
    Sims

  3. Sister Sabina, here is another answer to your question from an anonymous brother with the nickname Fulcrum. Here it is (I am not the author):

    Assalamo Alaikom Dear Sister Sabina

    I read your post, it is a sad situation. But can I say something to you as true brother? there two things that seems so clear in your post.

    1- If you are a possessive person, and like to control your husband, and doing that makes a weak in faith person fall into sin, and finally run away.

    2- You meet a man in a time when everything was hard. You accepted the life with this man, even when you saw him become abusive, you stood by him and hoped he will change.

    on the other hand; it would be like you really can not live without a man in your life, and no matter how bad they treat you you are OK with it, You just want to have a husband. ( this last part I hope you are NOT a part of) because then you are committing a sin, by allowing someone to be abusive towards you.

    In Islam there is no tolerance for abusive attitude, manner, language, or anything else for that matter. If it was OK for man or anyone to abuse their spouse in Islam, then you don't need a religion to get into it, just join a club that deals with torture, and abuse.

    Back to the number one. Unfortunately some men or women can not understand the harm and damage that is caused by possessive and controlling attitude. It is the most nasty deed, which even Holy Quran warns of....Do not create doubt about other in you mind.......( don't remember the Arabic version of it). It is worst than creating the reason and the grounds tor that person doing that wrong deed.

    2-But lets say you meet a man who seems OK, (as most of them do) at first, then his real colors surface. Then as Quran orders you, You are suppose to warn him, and if not accepted, drop him by the High way to hell. let him go down the path he has created for himself. If a man can not understand the meaning for Family, Wife (spouse) children....that man can not know the meaning for respect towards his family. so again the hell with him.

    But if he makes a mistake ( exactly the vise versa goes for a woman or a wife, spouse) and once you talk to them and reason with them, ( reasoning does not mean any thing some of these goofy mowlanas or muftis or ayatollahs give you, where you harm that person, or ...all that savage attitudes and behaviors when an animal would go in shock just to see what an animal a person can make)

    reasoning means, you sit and talk, like two grown ups, with your hats as honest as a third person judging yourselves. all the short comes, all the things you did and could have meant something else for the other party....all the goodies from the world of civilization within Koranic Ayat, ( WA mashaverekom fil amr......) then you surely will achieve the satisfactory results. Or you will reconcile and go on with your lives, or you will separate friendly and having each others blessings and go on with your lives separately.

    other than this could not find a third way to mention.

    Remember; My sisters;

    if you allow your husbands abusive language, manner and attitude go on, ( you are responsible for your childrens damaged life span) and just call on God, He will not respond, For He has already given you the tools, brains, common sense, .....to work your way out. But if you try and you find yourselves alone in the battle then I promise you are NOT alone and Allah for sure is with you. Believe it or not, He works in mysterious Ways.

    There is no Place, in a TRUE Hadith or Ayat from Quran which is being translated and explained correctly, where Allah SWT or His Truthful Prophet (s) would condone, or allow, or tolerate, mistreatment of another person.

    Even when they say you can stone someone to death, you will not find a single day or a minute where you find the Holy Prophet doing it, or being done in His Life time. These are all mistranslated and misinterpreted ayat of the Holy Koran.

    If you stone someone to death. You have not saved a life, nor have you corrected a wrong. Men of before Islam disguised under the name of Islam after the demise of our Holy Prophet did everything they could to bring Woman and Her statues raised by Islam again Down, by their goofy mistranslations and misinterpretations of verses in Holy Koran.

    Lets look around
    How many people do you see who is correct in their deeds?
    How many so called non believers do you see around you?
    how many Non Muslims do you see around you?
    ....keep counting.

    Do you think Allah has the power to destroy all the wrong doing people?
    Do you think Allah with His unique, and non parallel Power and Might could not make everything right?
    You are Talking about laws which are forwarded from Allah to His Prophets through out years. Prophets? Those who represent the most regular men in a society. the mass, A mass that is facing many problems due to many corrupt political and so called religious leaders. Now would you accept this picture: Allah Almighty famous for His love and Mercy and patience toward His creatures, [ for them turn in regret and repentance, so He could forgive them.....) come in this whole mess that people are suffering, with wrong and incorrect dependencies towards their culture and folklores, and orders everyone to be stoned and whipped? Sobhanallah Never.

    Even the most nasty prostitute has the right to repent and on her way to heavens.

    ( after all if the heavens was build only for bearded men (women alike) Allah would have made the job of hairdresser Haram) and would have ordered everyone to grow beard and we would have had many Ayat in Koran regarding beard and ordered woman alike to shave so they would enter heavens with their beards. (maybe our kids would have been born with installed beards too)

    but on the serious side these men of so called religion would never admit to the True place and statutes of a Woman in our Holy Islam. They are too scared to admit that even the first and the only Person buried by the house of Allah (Mekkah) is actually a Woman. Holy Mother of Prophet Ismael. SA Lady Hagar SA . They are so scared of woman that they have come out with the pre-arranged marriages, child abuse, circumcision on girls and many other atrocities that are shamelessly, falsely been placed under the Holy Prophet and fake ahadith.

    anyways.

    Good Luck and God Bless you and all of us InshaAllah adn lead us all upon the straight path, upon which He has favored His chosen ones.

    asslamo Alaikom wa Rahmatollah

  4. Sabina, I came across this article below and thought it would be good for you to read inshaAllah:

    Allah tells us that we will be tested. He also makes it clear to us what is expected from us when we undergo these trials and what our reward will be if we are successful.

    Allah says: “Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who, when misfortune strikes them, say: ‘Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him is our return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord and it is those who are rightly guided.” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 155]

    The Prophet (peace be upon him)said: "No fatigue, illness, anxiety, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts any Muslim, even to the extent of a thorn pricking him, without Allah wiping out his sins by it." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

    In another narration, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “No Muslim is afflicted by harm, whether it is but the prick of a thorn or something worse, without Allah expiating his evil deeds on account of it and his sins falling away from him like leaves off a tree.'" [Sahîh al-Bukhârî]

    The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî]

    In reality, the entire Sacred Law is a tremendous blessing for us in this life and the next.

    Obligations that initially seem difficult to fulfill have a polishing effect on the heart until eventually the one's entire perspective changes. Outward submission leads to inward submission and heart fills with love and gratitude for Allah.

    Obligations are not meant to be hammered out reluctantly; they are meant to be offered in the spirit of heartfelt gratitude to Allah for the myriad blessings that each of us has been given. Someone who is realized in this state will do everything for Allah; "worldly" activities such as eating, drinking, and conversing with friends are all performed with the intention of drawing closer to Allah.

    Such a person will not worry over possible future problems, nor will he grieve over past difficulties, for he is busy with the One he loves. This is true happiness and anyone who misses out on it will never know the meaning of contentment.

    So know that Allah is testing us because he wants good for us and he wants to see if we are going to come closer to him or more further away from him.

    Shaythan is wanting us to weaken and fail the tests from Allah so will we let shaythan win? Or will we make the best of these opportunities and get closer to Allah than we have EVER been?

    For if we are patient then Allah is with us so NOTHING can hurt or effect us!

    Allah mentions in the Qur'an:

    “Indeed Allah is with those who are patient.”
    If one is patient, and is among the ones described in the following manner in the Qur’an (Baqarah, 2: 256)

    Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihee Raaji'oon

    “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”:-

    The Reward for Patience is Paradise

    ‘Ata ibn Rabah related that he heard Ibn ‘Abbas say: “Shall I show you a woman of Paradise?” I said: “Yes, indeed.” He said: “A black woman came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and said: ‘I suffer from epileptic fits, and because of these, (at times) my body becomes uncovered. Would you invoke Allah, the Exalted One, to cure me of this disease? ‘ The Prophet, peace be upon him, said: ‘If you wish, you can be patient and you will attain Paradise (for this suffering). But if you prefer, I will pray to Allah, the Exalted, to cure you of it?’ The woman said: ‘I will be patient,’ then added: ‘I become uncovered (when I have fits), so invoke Allah for me that I do not become uncovered. ‘ So the Prophet, peace be upon him, prayed for her.” [Source: Fiqh-us-Sunnah, volume 4, #1a]

    So tests and calamitys are a blessing in disguise and Allah wanting us to get closer to him so if we bare with in with Patience hoping for reward then Allah is with us and best of all we will get closer to Allah and feel true contentment and happiness in the heart and we will attain Paradise inshallah!

    http://www.load-islam.com/artical_det.php?artical_id=956&section=memberbase&subsection=Member's%20Articles

  5. salamu alaikum sister sabrina...May Allah guide your husband and bring back to you ameen, be patient and turn to Allah because Allah will most definetly answer your dua, make dua in the middle of the night and on jumuah between asir and maghrib. inshaAllah may Allah grant you sucess and happiness in this world and the next.

    ur sista in islam

    Naj

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