Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Don’t want to marry him but family is pressuring me

I am being pressured into this marriage even though I am unhappy

Asalaam u alaiykum,

I am in a major dilemma at the moment and am extremely confused as to what to do, I would like some advice. I am a 19 year old female who was 'engaged' two weeks after my 15th birthday due to a lot of pressure from a lot of proposals.

At the time, I happily agreed to it as I felt that it would be in my best interest considering that it was in the family and everyone was happy about it. I told my family that I liked the boy and hoped that it would grow into something beautiful and I had an intention to continue with my education and on completion of my studies I would keep my parents' respect and get married as I am the eldest daughter of a large family

However, a few months before I started University I began to have doubts about the engagement because I had lost feelings for him and didn't feel comfortable being around him, I couldn't stand the sight of him.

By now it was almost four years and I was scared to speak up in front of my family because they would not let me get out of it even though I was not happy. My mum thought I was joking. I kept telling myself things will work out but I just couldn't stand hearing his name or being around him if I ever met him at weddings or family gatherings. We would not talk much and in comparison to my friends who were also engaged: my relationship was nothing. I didn’t feel like I was engaged so almost forgot that I even was engaged. I felt like he didn't care about me, so totally lost interest in him.

I started University a year ago and began with the intention that I will  be a good Muslim girl and not let anyone point fingers at my parents’  respect and still go ahead with the engagement.  However, just a few months into University I met someone new.  I knew it was a sin to even look at anyone else like that but I couldn’t help it and I got more and more attracted to this guy. At the moment, this guy and myself are really serious about each other. We are both from the same background and we're both Muslim.

I finally spoke out to my family that I do not want to go ahead with the marriage because I am still not happy with it and I didn’t want to lie to them either because I am an honest person so told them about the other guy. Even Islam says that if you are not happy with the marriage you do not have to go ahead with it especially considering that there is no such thing as engagement in Islam. I do not want to continue sinning by having someone else on my mind best thing to do is to make it halal but my family are not letting me because of their respect. I feel pressured and like I am being forced into the marriage.

They say that I will get married there and have no choice because I agreed to  it back then.

I was young and didn't know what I wanted from life then. Four years later I have realized it was a wrong decision, I have not had a Nikkah with him so why can I not get out of it?

I pray five times a day anyway and do dua all the time, I am being patient and have faith in Allah (SWT) and that He will make things easier for me and I feel like I will never be able to get out of this. It is hurting me with the taunts I have to hear from my family, I feel suicidal. What do I do? I love my family but this is a question of the rest of my life and I really don't want to go ahead with the marriage.

- confused

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26 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister, Asalaamualaikum,

    What a difficult situation you have found yourself in.

    Islam does not recognise a marriage in which the free will and consent of both man and woman is absent. Two of many hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) in support of this are:

    "Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage." (Bukhari, Ibn Majah)

    "A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of God and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice." (Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)

    Furthermore, Allah(swt) tells us in the Noble Quran, Chapter 30, Verse 2 that one of our basic purposes of marriage is to gain loving and gentle companionship in a halaal manner. So if you cannot stand the sight of this person and your heart is not inclined towards him, marrying him will hardly fulfil the basic needs of your marriage. Allah says:

    "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

    I do not agree with long term engagements nor do I agree with someone being engaged at an age where he/she is too young to understand their goals in life.

    So sister, my simple advise is that you tell the man whom you are engaged to that you are not happy to marry him but do not tell him that you interested in someone else, this may cause him to doubt your character and make things much more difficult for you.

    Of course this will be a testing and difficult time for you, as you will no doubt receive much opposition from your parents. But marrying someone whom you are not attracted to mentally or physically is a recipe for disaster, not to mention you will be lying to yourself and to others and furthermore marrying someone by force is not from Islam.

    At the same time, I will remind you to fear Allah and to adhere to the Islamic ettiquettes of getting to know the other person in whom you are interested for marriage.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Asalaamu alaikum,

      As you can see I have written my situation to you and it has not changed one bit since, Infact it has got worse, I try to keep my iman strong in Allah but nothing seems to work. I am now literally being made to choose between what I want and my family and their respect. They keep saying can you bear to see your parents break down like this? To endure all this humiliation? We know you don't like him but give it a try and you will grow to like him when in fact they are aware that I want to call this off coz I have no feelings for him what so ever, cant imagine spending the rest of my life with him and would rather marry sumone else that they just are not accepting.

      They keep saying if I dont agree to it then someone is gonna get killed and that if they tell my uncles that I like sum1 else and want to marry sum1 else they will beat us both and not let it happen. I am so confused, have got depression at the moment, sit around at home doing nothing and am torn between my life and happiness and my family. My dad keeps threatening to leave the family and that I am ruining it for my sisters if I say no. They said I have time to think buh if i say no then they will do as I say but make my life hell at home and cant marry anyone of my choice. Whats left? Im not allowed to see my friends or contact ne1. What do I do? I have never been so confused and hurt in my life. I feel suicidal, I know thats haraam and will not attempt it but thats how bad it is. Please help me.

      • My dear Sister,

        "Say: "O my Lord! let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honor and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honor; and grant me from Thy Presence an authority to aid (me)." (Surah Isra, Verse 80)

        I am so sorry for this difficult situation you are in. Whatever you are going through, remember that suicide is not the solution, it will give you nothing but eternal misery. Keep reminding yourself that as we go through life's daily trials and tribulations, there is someone much Greater and Wiser than us watching, that is Allah. Allah will not burden you with more than your soul can carry.

        ***

        Your parents could make this easier for you if they wanted, they do not need to tell your uncles that there is any other man on the scene; they could make another excuse for breaking the engagement. But it is clear that like many families, your family too are unfortunately controlled by their culture and not Islam. It is so very frustrating to see that all our issues and problems are as they as because we have left the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah. May Allah grant us all wisdom.

        ***

        Anyhow, I believe your parents are doing nothing more than making empty threats and trying their best to scare and emotionally blackmail you into submission. It is a completely unfair and unjust way to treat you. But Sister, surely you expected this though right? Your parents will not make it easy for you to break this proposal, you just need to remain adamant. InshaAllah this difficult time will pass. This period will be the most difficult time, after which things will start to calm down - they always do.

        I think you must also reassure your parents that you will not start seeing this other man again as they maybe doubting the nature of your relationship with him. Atleast until things calm down, I think its probably better for you not to mention him yet. Things will calm down, just try to ignore the comments and be patient.

        If at any point you do feel physically threatened or physically forced to something against your will; I would not hesitate to contact the police.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Hi Sister,
        Look you have to fight for your future. What they are doing is completely unislamic and wrong. I got guilted by the same tactic and look where I got in the first round? I was married to the guy, I never loved him, he never loved me. Infact I entered a bullying relationship from his family and my family bullying and guilt tripping me into this and that until I finally said enough is enough I am walking away because being in that relationship made me suicidal. That is not what Allah wants. For me to waste this gift of life by killing myself. He wants me to appreciate all he has offered and will offer in the future.
        With his strength and getting some from I don't know where, I walked out and now I am in this one after soo long. Yes i was laughed at but guess what? When I walk in that mosque for amaals or khusahali, I know I have a smile on my face because I love my partner and life. I don't hold a fake smile or gush into material goods or false claim of security which others girls I feel do.
        Fight for what you want. You don't love the guy, walk away.
        DO NOT let your parents bully you. Infact tell them that what they are doing is wrong and how can they stand there and be your parents and do this to you. Does Allah say that you have to guilt your kids into doing what you want? Does Allah say you have to corner your kids into marriage with a guy they do not want and force their child to give up their innocence for the sake of 'image' or their 'siblings'?
        If you dad wants to leave the family, tell him to do so (he won't...trust me, it is a big disgrace on him if he does this if they are all concerned about image). If someone will kill themselves, then tell them to go ahead but know that they took their own life and not you and if they do take their life, they have damned themselves to jahanaam and Allah will not care what excuse they give - he will see the truth, they did this for something as stupid as image or name. Allah's will is far more important than something petty as image or reputation. He will see through them that they killed themselves to force you into something you did not want and it is shame on them to use their life to make you do something they have no right to. Why do you think that the alim is obligated to ask you in PRIVATE that are you entering this marriage in free will. They want to coerce you into so you say yes and go through with it. It is parents like this that whey they find their child is miserable or unhappy in the marriage they forced them...they slam the door on your face when you need help because the guy is no good and you have to leave him because he and the situation has depressed you. After you are married to him, trust me...if you do leave him...you will go through even worse hurdles. I know because I went through them...and I do not want you to go through the same thing.
        Praying does good to get strength but sometimes, sometimes...you just have to have the strength or force yourself to do the right thing for YOU and just say "NO'' and if be....walk out!

  2. dear little sis,

    If u r not happy and cant continue pls dont go for that marriage in which u cant live happily

    I also agree with sister z

    Allah hafiz

  3. Salaam my sister,

    I am in total agreement with Sister Z and reiterate everything she says.

    I also feel strongly and personally that forced marriage is a form of abuse and resistance to forced marriage an act of self defence; instinctive and natural.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. Salaams,

    All excellent advice above. At the end of the day, it is your life. The families may be upset etc but in the long run they will see that it is better to abandon this union than have two people trapped in an unhappy marriage. This will deeply affect any children that you would have together. So why should all these lives be ruined for the sake of some family betrothal.

    Be brave and insist that you will not take part in this forced marriage. Have you only spoken to your own family? Perhaps relate this to the intended spouse's family. Maybe someone from his side will see sense and cancel this agreement.
    My opinion is that don't go through with it at all. If you feel this way now, you will live to regret it. Don't get bullied into this marriage.

    Also refrain from contact with the other guy despite the fact that you have feelings for each other. If he genuinely loves you etc, he will respect the rules and wait for the right time for when you can be together in marriage.

    Regards

  5. Asalaamualaikum,

    Dear Sister I have read your problem and I think it is the problem of many youngsters out there.
    But you should not curse yourself, the solution is simple since you didn't had Nikah yet,firstly honestly ask yourself if you want to marry the guy whom you are seeing right now,if yes then ask the guy too if the feeling is mutual (given he is a Muslim) then try to pursue your parents about your marriage to this guy.If they don't agree then try to find someone who can talk to them (your parental uncle or maternal uncle or any of your close relatives) .Ask the guy whom you like to come to your home with his family and formally propose to you.Ask his family to pursue your parents I am sure they will reconsider their decision.Try to talk to person to whom you were engaged and let him aware of your feeling if he back out himself then it is well and good, if not talk to his family and make them aware too.Don't agree to Nikah if you are not willing to,even when all weeding arrangement are made,say no on weeding day,else you have to live with it,its irreversible.

    If things still dont work out write it I (WE) will try to find out some solution.

    But you dont engage yourself in any haram and keep your faith in ALLAH may he show you the right path and give to you that is best suited to you.

    ALLAH HAFIZ

    • Waalaikum asalaam,

      I feel like I have no choice but to curse myself because I am made to feel like I am wrong. I may not be continuining my studies either. The feelings are mutual with the other person and he would like to come with the proposal but my family are not even allowing that, they don't even want to hear his name because he is not in the family and the same caste as us. I don't want to do anything haram and would like to do everything the way Islam says but my family is saying that I have to go ahead with the marriage for respect. They will keep their name and respect and come home I'm the one who has to live with the marriage. I don't feel like I need any reason to back out of it which they are demanding. Even the 'fiances' sisters know that I do not want to go ahead with the marriage but even they are saying that I have to do it, and its a matter of respect. Nothing has changed since the last time I wrote in, infact the pressure has just got worse. All I hear is that I have no choice. The last thing I want is to upset my family but at the moment I'm ready to do anything to get out of it.

      Allah Hafiz

      • Dear Confused2323,

        You are being made to feel that you have no choice, but in reality you do have a choice. We all have a choice; although at times it can be very difficult to go forward with our choices. You must not allow yourself to do something that your heart and mind do not feel at ease with; especially since what you want is not something that is forbidden in Islam.

        Is there no respected family member or family friend who can help you with this? I always harp on about seeing an Imaam, but I really think it helps. It makes you feel as though you have a God fearing person who is in a position of authority to back you up when no-one else is on your side. So is it a possibility for you see a good qualified Imaam whom can speak to your parents for you? Your parents need to be reminded that they are doing some very very wrong by forcing you to marry against your wishes. I am wondering whether you have made your feelings known to your fiance?

        ***
        Sister, as Faxa said, perform Istikhara, as you need Allah's guidance here. Also, use this blessed month of Ramadan to seek help from Allah, there are many special times to pray: at night when all others are sleeping, especially in the last part of the night which is about an hour before Fajr, just before iftar and also while breaking fast.

        Stay strong sister and be sure to think of Allah before taking steps,
        Best Wishes

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Salaam Sister Z,

          Bringing an imam into the situation may be helpful but I will be blamed further for making my problem public or telling someone out of the family about it because news gets around fast in the area I live in. Even though it is a good idea, I think it's safer for me not to get an imam involved.

          At the moment my family is saying that they are not going to force me into anything or do anything against my will so that's alright but everything has now come to a standstill and no one is making a move. Everyone knows what my final decision is yet they are keeping quite about it as if they are waiting for something to happen or the boy's family to mention something about the marriage and then they can talk about it. Either it's that or they may be thinking that in this time I will agree to it. I recently found out that I have had black magic done on me, even though I don't blame anything that has happened on the magic.

          I'm just keeping my faith in Allah at the moment and praying daily. I have literally spelt it out for my 'so-called' fiancée that I am not interested. I have told a few friends about how I indirectly told him how I feel and they all said that if they were in his position they would not make things hard for me and call it off themselves. He is either playing dumb or he wants me to look bad by calling it off first. He knows I'm not interested, he asked me if I wanted to get married to him and I stayed quite because one, he would have brought it all down on me and secondly, I didn't want to discuss anything with him without my mum being there. I didn't say yes I stayed quite and didn't speak at all, that clearly spells out to the other person that I'm not interested or I would have said yes I do want to carry on with this and ended the matter there but it did escalate and I was made to tell him that I am happy and will carry on.

          I want this all to end mutually because he has said himself that if I'm not happy he doesn't want to carry on with it. So he's now confusing me, I don't understand, the way I behave whenever we're around the others house it's clear that I don't want to know him. I'm just really scared that things are going to get worse for me and I'm going to get the blame as girls normally do. This is all driving me mad, it's got to me so much that my doctor recently told me I have depression and I can't sleep either. My little cousin passed away 3 months ago and I still can't come to terms with that and get upset about it.

          • Assalam Alaykum,

            Am really very sorry to hear about your cousin !!

            What if you explained to your mom & dad that your fiance is not happy with it either ?
            and even if you were willing to accept it for their sake, how do they expect you to live with a person who doesn't even like you from the start ?

            Or maybe you could talk to your fiance openly about it Considering he has told you he's not happy and doesn't want to carry on with it either, so he cant exactly blame everything on you, because he has already admitted he doesn't want to go ahead with it, so maybe you can both come to some mutual agreement where you can break it to your family together, or at least talk to him about it, maybe he is feeling just like you, but wondering how to go about things ?

            Anyways Meanwhile Please keep praying for Allah (swt) to guide you the right way (Ameen)

            x

      • Asalaamualaikum,

        Dear sister,

        I read your follow up reply 2 my suggestions and I really feel sad 4 ur situation but plz dont curse yourself there is always a way out and there will be. I have read that the person whom you are interested in wants 2 formally purposed 2 you but your parents are not allowing it. I suggest you tell him 2 come 2 your house with his parents even though your parents are not allowing this,tell your friend to bring his parents at time when your parents are available without prior informing them and if he has already done so then tell him that his parents should try and talk 2 your parents.

        But I think the best way 2 get out of the situation is you try 2 talk 2 the person with whom you are about 2 get married, tell him about your feeling and even let his parents know your feeling (you already mentioned that his sisters know) but its important that his parents also know since they are going 2 take the decision.

        Before everything try 2 look at the person with whom your wants you 2 get married that if he is a good person or not.If you find him sound physically,mentally and monetary then you should have 2 do a rethinking why you do not want 2 marry him as you mentioned in early post
        that initially you were 2 interested in him.Ask yourself seeking from this new found friend.
        Is he really good or just that there is physical attraction which overtook everything else.

        If the person you whom you are seeking is really good then try 2 convinced your parents.Tell the person 2 involved his parents without that problem cant be solved caste is not a issue and respect wont matter when you are not happy in the marriage and that will only create more problem 4 u and your parents.

        Even try 2 talk 2 your relatives who are close 2 your parents who can convinced them.

        Have faith in God and keep courage your problem is not something that can be solved.

        Dont engaged in anything HARAM PLZ KEEP YOUR FAITH ALIVE AND PRAY 2 ALLAH REGULARLY.

        Insallah your problem will be solved.If there is more then reply I (WE) will insallah try 2 give you the best of our advice.

        Talk 2 the parents of the person with whom you are engaged and him they can easily solved the problem, let them know your feeling or else you will have 2 go with your parents choice.

        Do reply if you have the problem , time is key do things fast.

        I pray 2 Allah may all your problems be solved and Allah gives 2 you what is best 4 you (AMEN).

  6. Dear Sister,

    I would suggest that you make wudu and pray istikhara and ask Allah for guidance. For only Allah knows what is best for you. And if Allah deems this marriage not right for you than you may find your problem dissolve right in front of you.

  7. Dear Sister,

    Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone deserves love and everyone deserves to be in a marriage that is positive environment just not for the two parties concerned but their children also. Parents forget this, all they see is that their child is married, family is good, kids will be muslims, guy can provide and is a good individual and that is it.

    But they don't look at are they going to keep our girl happy and will there be love. What people say about 'love growing in the relationship' is not really love but just mutual understanding and expectations met. It is making the best of a situation, but what happens when the situation is not good? Well they stay in the marriage because divorce is taboo so you just signed up yourself for a life sentence with a guy you don't want and have to not only be with him but have his children. What you don't see is that you just continued your parents cycle and the probabily of your child continuing the cycle is going to escalate.

    Your life is a gift, as is your heart and the body you have. Do not abuse it or let anyone do that because you will be accountable to it on judgement day. This is one thing parents forget or don't care because it is not them that has to respond to god on the abuse you did (even if they pressured you into it). They will say they did their best as parents and met the basic essentials of getting you a good guy, even though you explained your doubts. They will blame community pressure, family pressure, image etc but in the end - god put in a clause to let you bail out last minute before your nikah was read ...if you took the plunge and go with it - pay the piper on qiyamat if you don't want him yet forced yourself to accept it.

    I think it is appauling that someone would suggest you see if the guy you are in love with now to see what his intentions are and if he wants marriage and if the answer is no - then go with what you have. You are already showing signs of doubt on your fiance, that is enough to make you question should you go through with marriage with him or not. Who cares about the other guy...this about this guy, the fiance.

    I am saying this from experience because I married a guy after being pressured. I left him seven years after marriage and I curse myself for ever marrying him and wasting so much time on a guy who made me feel dead and empty inside. No matter how great of a muslim he is, how much money he made, I could see that I did not love him and he was not truly in love with me and I felt in my gut I was going to scare my kids when it comes to arranged marriage. Now, I'm 35 and happy but I wasted my life on a guy who was not good for me. I let myself be pressured and to date, my family fight blaming eachother and telling me off that I was better married to him because I was easily controlled and that I need a good beating to get my head out of being so modern. I have had blame game on community preasure, match makers saying I'm too picky but those same match makers get the most nicest guys for their own daughters/nieces/grand daughter. Guys I know I would have clicked with and who would challenge me but they keep them for their uneducated girls...

    • I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through and what you are still having to go through. I pray that things are made easier for you inshallah. What you have said is 100% true especially about 'love growing after marriage'. I don't know what is written for me but I can definitely say that I am not happy with this 'engagement' one bit and just want to get out of it asap, I feel suffocated but no one seems to be making a move. The guy that I want to be with does not have bad intentions in fact has always pushed me to stay on the right path and encouraged me to understand Islam more. His influence helped me to start praying regularly so how can such a person have bad intentions? We don't want to and inshallah will not do anything haraam, instead want to make everything halal but there's this problem in the way. I just don't know how to get out of it.

      • Stand up and fight fo your right and your future. Sit down and explain to them logically why this is not a good decision for you, explain to them how you feel and as parents if they truly love you they should support you.

        Tell your fiance how you feel and that if he cares, he should support you. If he will use this as a pawn to control you - well, don't tell your parents because I did the same and they just upped my wedding date by three months so I wouldn't run away. If he supports you, you are blessed!

        You are a gift given to them from Allah and what they are doing is abusing that gift by forcing you into a situation that does not make you happy. If I were you and they do not respect your feelings, I would make sure that they know I would 100% tell the Imam that I do not consent to the marriage (if talking to the fiance did not help). If they coerce you about family name, image, honor, etc - tell them about the their name, image and lack of honor in the eyes of Allah. They may have a face to walk in the mosque but will they have a face to walk infront of Allah with him knowing what they did to you.

        Don't let them bully you, unfortunately parents have learned that bullying their child continuously will force them to cave in and give into their demands (why do you think police offers use this as an interrogation technique and there are so many court cases on lawyers trying to remove sworn in testimony done under pressure and bullying...its an age old technique used by parents to get what they want from their kids imho). I know many girls who were forced into marriage and they 'barked' that they wouldn't but in the last minute for the sake of their sister, or whatever they went through it. What happened to them, they are miserable shells. They are completely unhappy and married. They should divorce but they have children with their spouse and uttering the word 'divorce' is shaking the grounds of heaven...and they are not willing to stay for their children. A life given to them as a gift and completely abused so their mother and father can walk in win pride inside the mosque. And what happened to her sister, well she repeated the cycle her elder sister did. I hope their children don't pick up the vibe that arranged marriages are a sham.

        Look at me, I'm happy. It took me a while to be strong and find the man I am with. I know that I am happy with him everyday and I look forward to coming home everyday to him or greeting him at our door. It took my family 2 years after my marriage to him to accept him because he is Chinese and did not convert to Islam but we have a 99year Mutah and a civil ceremony. I refuse to marry a muslim guy who sees me as a replacement to his mother with sexual favors involved be a breading vessel because that is how I was treated with him and how every guy my mathmaker sent out to meet me.
        I have the same chances in making this relationship work like everyone else in the community but the only difference is my smile reaches my eyes and heart and soul. I am fullfilled with his love and support everyday. I am with someone who makes my heart sing just like my non-muslim friends are with their non-muslim husbands. I have a beautiful baby created from two beings that were created by GOD and that baby is blessed just like any other baby. Like us, Allah does not see our child as a mixed breed or half cast but child with a beautiful soul and the same potential for greatness like everyother child born and existing in this world.

  8. Waalaikum asalaam Sister A,

    We all come from Allah and to Him we shall all return .. I just lyk to think of my cousin and his deceased brother and sister as resting in heaven and in a much better place inshallah. Its just been such a hard time for me. My 'so-called fiancée' hasn't actually said he doesn't want to go ahead with it, I feel that that is what he is implying because he knows that I am not really up for it, I mean its pretty obvious. Instead he's saying he does want it to work and will give it a try when I have clearly told my family I don't want to know him. I don't want to be frank with him even though it is in my nature to be frank because I don't trust him and he will tell everyone I said it and that he is happy and will make me look bad. In the mean time please pray things work out for me and inshallah I will continue praying x

    • Yes You Are very right, we all come from Allah (Swt) and to him we shall all return, InshAllah they will all be in a better place than we are living in !

      Mmm, yes it does sound kinda complicated, and he doesn't seem the 'getting along' kind either,
      best option is to keep telling your family you don't want it, and try explaining the fact that, if this Engagement is already having so much problems, then how do they expect you to make it work after marriage ?
      After all its you who is gonna have to sacrifice yourself, This may sound a little wrong and alot of people might disagree with me to, buh maybe if you say to your parents, that you can force me now, buh after marriage don't blame me when i rebel against all this (please don't try it in practical :$), maybe they will see sense and think well its not just about her agreeing now, and realise their is only up to a certain point they have authority over you, so it's best if they call the engagement off, then breaking a nikkah.

      Anyways inshAllah i will most certainly pray for you, Please tell all your friends, or anyone you no to pray for you too, because you never no who's dua' Allah (Swt) will kabool.

      Meanwhile please don't stress, Keep asking for guidance, And keep imaan, as whatever is gonna happen it's gonna happen for the best.

      x

      • Yep its defo complicated! And he certainly ain't the gettin along type .. I have been talking to ma mum and aunty and they are saying that they are not going to force me into anything so inshallah if I really do have their support then things should be a little more easier but the question now is that how is this gonna happen and when because my parents ain't making the first move its as if they are longing it to see if with time i agree wit it or as if they are waiting for the boy's side to come and talk about preperations for the wedding and then they bring it up.

        I have already tried the 'rebelling' idea and i don;t think you're wrong its quite true bcoz if i dont wanna know him now y am i gna stay wit after? Its betta if its ended now b4 its too late. Aww thanks for remembering me in your duas and yea i have told friends to pray for me also. Its hard buh alhamdulillah im keeping strong and keeping faith in Allah (SWT) eventhough stress is sumfin that I reli can't help buh do jus seems natural now. Thanks anyway xx

  9. im a boy im facing exactly same problem i spoke the truth it had all become im a lier im exactly same problem now i got way beside to run

  10. Salam confused2323
    i'm having exactly the same problem as urs. Only deferent is that i was having a relationship before i got engaged to my cousine also bcauz of my moms health (as my mom nd sister new bout my relationshi). My cousine lives backhome and the 1 i love lives here. Nw my parents are saing that even if theiu put me in hell fire i have to accept it because they are my parent and we have accept whatever they say. I realy dont know what to do. just like u am so depressed no1 in my family understand my situation even my sister is abusing me and is totatly against me as am giving my parents bad name. Please u pray for and i will do the same thing for u.

  11. salaam

    i am basically in the exact same situation! i was coerced into agreeing to get engaged when i was 15 by my family in pakistan. my mum wasnt happy with the arrangement but she went with it coz her sisters are older than her and told her to do it so she respected them and just agreed to it.

    7 years down the line and i absolutely loathe the guy. he is lazy, unmotivated, undetermined, undriven and a disrespectful waste of space with no completed education beyond 12th grade, no job, nothing. he goes out all day and spends it wandering the streets with his friends or hanging around in parks / coffee shops etc then goes home in the early hours of the morning.

    the few times i have spoken to him, all he says is when are we getting married? when are we gonna have kids? i bet youll enjoy it. come back to pakistan so we can get married now.etc. he never asks how i am, how my degree is going, how my life is going, never shows any interest in anything other than marriage. he only ever talks about marriage and what clothes he should buy me for when we get married or what our kids will look like or what we'll name them. it makes me sick.

    he wants to come to england but has made no effort to learn or understand english coz hes too lazy.
    basically, we have nothing in common and he has no prospects so i am justified in saying he is an unsuitable life partner.

    anyway, since starting uni, i have met another guy, he is perfect for me, he is everything you could ever think to look for in a life partner and more. he gets me, we understand each other, we are basically the same person and he loves and cares about me so much. the only problem is he is a white convert not a pakistani born muslim :/

    my mum has tried all the blackmail tactics to get me to agree to marry this guy im engaged to but i have refused. she has expressed that people who are not the same colour as us (i.e pakistani) are not real muslims and so i will never be allowed to marry a white man because he is not a real muslim.

    i have tried explaining to her that whatever the colour, the faith is the same but she refuses to accept that.

    she also refuses to accept that islam does not allow forced marriages or blackmail / bullying into marriage and also refuses to accept that engagement in islam is not a binding agreement and is simply a period of time in which to consider whether the match would be a good one. she cant see that islamically, i have no obligations to the man, he is not my husband, i do not belong to him and if i have valid reason to, i am within my rights to refuse it.

    she threatened me with her own death, my death, the man i want to marry's death, leaving the family, the shame, the man i am engaged to's mother having a heart attack and dying of shock if i refuse, to try and make me marry him so i will 'accept' it and so it wont look like a forced marriage.

    i have said i would rather die than marry him but islam does not permit suicide so that would never be an option.

    i literally am stuck.

    short of losing my family, disrespecting my mother, putting my own life at risk by refusing and marrying someone else, i do not know what to do.

    i could always refuse at the wedding when asked if i accept th man but that would cause an even bigger scandal.

    i am scared to go back to pakistan, i havent been back in 7 years since the engagement because im scared if i go, i wont come back unmarried or i wont come back at all which is a shame because i love the country and time i spend out there and being with my extended family.

    short of forging my signature on th marriage documents or forcing me on the plane, my parents cant make me go there and marry him but in refusing,

    my mother is accusing me of being a lying, slut. she says because the man i wish to marry is white, he is not a real muslim and therefore i have been sleeping with him and that she wishes i had never been born and that if i had been born a boy it wouldve been better.

    that hurts because its not true at all and shes accusing me of all sorts just because i refuse to marry the idiotic waste of space i stupidly agreed to get engaged to when i was an impressionable child.

    my only other option is to run away and just get married anyway but i cant leave my family because both my parents are ill and i am the oldest.

    to top it all off, my brother is seeing and sleeping with a hijabi girl unmarried and she KNOWS and just accepts it saying he can do what he likes while hes at uni and boys are different because it doesnt matter what they do.

    this is what makes me hate the fact that i am asian because despite the fact i have fulfilled the islamic requirements of a potential husband being muslim, able to support me etc etc, my mother wont acceot it saying all english men are cheats and will leave me eventually. if this man has CHOSEN islam, he obviously understands it, he obviously agrees with the teachings else why would he choose to change his whole religion?? converts are often more devout than those born into the faith but yet my mother thinks he will go back to being a christian and leave me.

    ITS SO BACKWARDSSSSSS!!!!! ahhhhhhhh!

    it makes me so angry but shes my mother and i love her so i cant just leave her and marry him to make me happy.

    but at the same time, i cant marry an absolute waste of space just to make her happy when i know its the wrong thing to do.

    islam says refuse if your parents ask / tell you to do something unislamic but when i am trying to refuse a forced marriage, its not allowed!!!

    • (dilemmaandahalf, Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. I'll delete your comment shortly. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor).

  12. Salaam dilemmaandahalf, reading bout ur situation has brought tears to my eyes and I will pray for u inshallah that everything works out for the best for you and in ur favour. I eventually have managed to break my engagement off but till this day 2years on am having to live with breaking it off. Others eventually had to get involved and some people in my family do not talk to me anymore I have lost my friends had to leave uni and was still not allowed to marry who I wanted the fact that I want to marry a muslim not someone in the family stills bugs my family and my ''actions" have affected my sisters as well because no one trusts them anymore. I work and come home that's my life now but am grateful to Allah always for helping me get out of that situation and being there for me when I was most alone it has strengthened my faith in him. I feel like our community is really backward and live to others standards I got blamed for picking and choosing what i wanted to support my arguments from Islam when actually I'll never be perfect but u can try and Allah knows what is in ur heart. I've lost a lot but have become closer to Allah. People need a reason to talk and things were really bad at home after wards as well it's really really hard and u only know when u are in that situation urself but it gets to breaking point when u need to make a decision. I was suicidal as well I just needed a way out became depressed cudnt sleep no one to talk to and no one to understand me that's y I came on here where I felt I could share my feelings. U will need to make a decision stay strong and call it off just keep telling them how u feel someone has to understand u. Ur in my prayers and I pray u get wha u want out of this inshallah. Unfortunately culture does override religion in our case but just read the hadiths above pray namaz and know that Allah can see you hear you and is there for you always xxx

  13. Alhamdulilah Sister that the marriage did not take place, i pray that Allah (swt) replaces the heartache with happiness for you and your family insha'Allah,

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