Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Double Standards with Muslim Men

"Lower your gaze" applies to men, too... and not just when your wife is watching!

"Lower your gaze" applies to men, too... and not just when your wife is watching!

Over the years of being married to my muslim husband who is of a different nationality from me, (alhamdulillah, we were both born muslim), I have recognized through his culture and also from his actions that muslim men expect certain things of a woman whether it is from his wife, daughter or perhaps sister, etc. yet when they are away from these females they desire quite the opposite.

It is what I categorize as the "double standard" game. I call it a game because they seem to love playing it especially since it appears to be one-sided for their benefit. The main complaint I have about this issue is regarding women and immodesty.

Most muslim men would never want their wife to dress immodestly nor would any of them want any of their female family members to engage in any type of sexual immoral act, or have a boyfriend, etc., and this is how it should be Islamically in order for us to protect our nafs , our character, and of course to obey Allah swt commands. In his culture, he claims that the men would either go after the woman and punish her or even resort to hurting her or eliminating her for such immorality. However, you will never see these same men lower their gaze when confronted with other females immodestly dressed, or on the tv or newspapers or magazines, etc. Most of the sports news and programs are filled with half naked & naked women posing in explicitly provocative positions, etc. Yet why should the muslim wife have to tell her husband to stop watching such immodest programs or stop reading such immoral newspapers, etc. when there are clearly other halal options for news, entertainment, etc.? Muslim men are not embarrassed to be in the workplace, etc. and communicate with such disrespectful females yet when they are in the presence of muslim women who practice hijab, that is when the muslim men choose to look down and don't want to communicate with these respectful muslim women in the marketplace, at the workplace or while just going about their daily lives outside.

This has been the main "pet peeve" that has been quickly deteriorating our marriage. When I first married my husband, I really looked up to him with much respect and admiration because he appeared to me that he showed respect by lowering his gaze in the presence of other women even when watching a movie etc. However, after I had our first child that is when I started to notice changes in his character, which probably was there to begin with, however, I just never noticed it, being that I was preoccupied with the baby and with doing household duties, etc.

When I was pregnant with our second child I caught "porn" on our computer and couldn't understand how it could have gotten there.  I was confused (and naive). After researching the history and the times and date, to my shock and horror, I realized that it could have only been him watching it when I was not around. He denied it, but then finally admitted to it and promised to never do it again. I was totally crushed and betrayed since then until now. That incident has caused me, up until this day, to have lost all trust & respect for him as my husband, as well as, loss of self esteem & self confidence for myself.

Over the years of our marriage he has broken this promise many times, and have verbally and mentally abused me. He would always complain about my size and tell me to lose weight. After having our first child and during our intimate relations time, he told me to lose my hips cause they were too big. I felt so ashamed and totally lost my desire at that moment. When I was eight months pregnant with our second child he told me that I have to exercise after the baby is born and lose weight. I couldn't believe that he would expect this of me when I hadn't even given birth yet! It has been 13 years later and he told our son something very embarrassing about me during their "father/son" talks. (If you want to call it that).  I guess he was talking to my son about when my son finds a potential wife. Perhaps what to look for? (I don't know why my name had to come up in the same conversation) even according to my son. My son later told my daughter who then told me after about two months after the incident occurred, what my husband had said. He told my son that his mom, me, has a grandmother's butt and that it just hangs or droops. (Basically it has no shape. At least not what he is looking for, I guess).

My children said that they were embarrassed to tell me but my daughter finally did. They know how we are always fighting and arguing about the subject of modesty and immorality, etc. I was embarrassed, shocked and hurt to have heard such words especially that he told such a thing to our son and very recently too.

The next day I confronted him with this comment and of course he denied saying such a thing. He said that my son made it up because my son wants my attention and is trying to break up his dad and me. I couldn't believe he would think of such an excuse, and our son was really hurt by this especially since my husband told him that he is no longer his son anymore and that he cannot hang out with him and won't tell him things anymore. Then my husband said, "Well, so what if I did say that, so what?"  I yelled at my husband and we had words and pretty much cursed out each other (astagfirullah). I told him to leave the house and go find someone with a big round butt like all the supermodels he keeps seeing on those stupid newspapers that he keeps reading so much. He says he would be glad to and why is he stuck with a "disgusting person like me" etc. (That was putting it mildly, minus the curse words and cultural degrading.)  Since then, both my son and I have not spoken to my husband. It has been almost a week now.

Anyway, I have been such a fool to always try to believe him and think that our marriage has a chance of improving even a little. Whenever I start to give in and fall for his kind husbandly acts, something always emerges and sets me back to reality of our marital demise.

Anyway, he keeps telling us that he is just waiting for the right time to save some money and then he will leave us because he can't stand living and dealing with me. He says that I am sick and have mental problems every time I try to correct him and try to keep him and our children away from watching disrespectful images of females on tv or the internet, etc. He claims that he is not watching such images even though they are clearly popping right out on the main web pages of his cultural "Turkish" newspapers and sports sites that he MUST watch every day. He probably still watches the inappropriate ones on his phone or on his laptop when he is not with me, then when he comes home he ironically finds the "cleaner" versions of news to read on the internet when I am sitting with him.

My question to anyone reading this message, has anyone experienced the same "double standards" as this, with their spouse, and how can I overcome feeling so much anxiety & depression when he watches any type of provocative image of a female while he is thinking that it is no big deal? We are muslims for goodness sake. That is why I married a muslim so that I can find comfort and love and respect, but clearly this is not the case for our marriage.

Thank you for your kind thoughts on this matter.

rckslt786

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34 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum sister. be patient sister because this is nothing but the shaiyton, so make Dua and make sure to watch Islamic videos about Islamic relationship. Everything will be okay inshallah.

    • Walaikum asalaam wrwb,

      Thank you so much for your response. Alhamdulillah, I enjoy watching islamic videos especially about islamic relationships so that I can try to correct myself on things I may be doing wrong. I try to include my husband, when he is available, but I think he feels like I am purposely playing certain relationship videos that pertains to him or us. He usually seems uncomfortable or manages to walk away, then I have to change the topic.

      May Allah make it easy for all of us struggling one way or another, inshaAllah.

  2. Assalamu alaikum ma'am,

    I am only 15 years old (boy) and (obviously) am not in a relationship, so I would not be able to give you as good advice as perhaps others on this site, but I still feel the need to at least say something about this.

    A marriage, in my opinion, has to consist of respect and consideration from the spouses to each other. What I see, from what you have written, is that you seem to do this to the best of your ability, but your husband does not. What he said to your children was inappropriate, and he definitely should not have lied to you about watching pornography or in anything else in which he may have breached your trust.

    Your main problem, from your last paragraph I gather, is how you can overcome your anxiety and depression over HIS sinning? Well, you should not feel responsible for his sins; you should advise him, and talk to him about what he may want and offer help in trying to get rid of it, but at the end of the day, the choice to sin is his and not yours. And in no way should you be made to feel guilty. So don't feel that way. This is difficult, of course, considering you have been with him for so long, but if he does not respect you, then you should maintain your dignity instead of feeling depressed.

    If you still want to try to solve this, perhaps you should consider sitting down with him, when the kids are not around, (with some coffee) and gently try to talk about all the problems you have mentioned and how you could solve them as a couple. It may take some time, but try. You should also be aware, maybe you do, that men tend to have higher sex drives than women, and so perhaps you are not fulfilling his needs and that is why he commits such sins while on the Internet. Of course, this is not your fault and you're not being a ''bad wife''; there is just a lack of communication, and maybe you should work on that.

    BUT, if he is unwilling to cooperate, then you must accept his fate. You should not be made to feel somehow ''insufficient'' for your husband's needs or do something detrimental to you or that which you dislike strongly, just to please your husband. If he does not respect you or show decency towards you in your presence and in your absence, then it is his sin, and there is no reason for YOU to feel depressed. I know what I am saying may sound rude and unpleasant, but it is important to be aware of this.

    So, talk to him gently and be willing to forgive and get over this, but if he does not change, then, alas, he has chosen the path to punishment, and you cannot mentally harm yourself (by becoming depressed, angry, etc.) over somebody else's fate.

    Up to now, I have not mentioned Islam, but I think Islam should play an important part in the solution to this problem too, if you are religious, that is.

    Do you pray 5 times a day? Your children? What about your husband? If not, why not encourage it? Why not begin to read the Quran and go to the mosque more often (or if you are the opinion that women should not go to the mosque, then encourage your husband to go), if you are not doing so; make Islam your life, rather than an add on. Give Allah priority over your children and your partner and everything of this dunya. It might help, in the slightest at least.
    Look at how the Prophet treated his wives and how they treated him. Try to learn something useful from that.
    OK?

    I have said this in an answer to another question, but I'll say it again: please realise your priorities. On the Day of Judgement, even the mother will forget her baby for fear of herself. At the end, it is between Allah and you, and not anyone else. So please give priority to this relationship: you and Allah.

    I think in your question the main point was how you can overcome the negative feelings you get when your husband does these immoral, filthy (excuse me, but it is true) things, but you also asked whether others have experience those ''double standards'':

    This is nifaq: hypocrisy. And it is wrong to tell someone to do something and not do it yourself. I myself have been addicted to pornography, which is why I feel ashamed to tell anyone else to lower my gaze when I myself have not, so I focus on lowering my own gaze and try to perfect it.
    But the point is, ma'am, we, as a Muslim community, and you and your husband as a Muslim family, are meant to help each other. We all are imperfect, and commit sins, but it should be the job of Muslims to console each other and help each other overcome those sins; however, it is important to abstain from ''name-calling'' and slandering.
    I found this video by Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan a powerful (kinda) reminder to men (although it can apply to women who struggle to lower their gaze too; in fact, it refers to not only men and women, but boys and girls too) about the importance of lowering the gaze, and you might find some use in it:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJolbCokB8

    Ok, I can't think of anything else now and I don't have any more time, sorry, so I'll finish it here and if I feel the need to add anything else, I'll do so in another reply.

    If I have said something which you find wrong or offensive, please let me know and I'll try to explain it in a different way to try to make it clearer. I hope I have been of some help,

    Assalamu alaikum

    • Walaikum asalaam wrwb,

      I truly appreciate your sincere response to my post. You are by no means too young nor inexperienced to provide good council in accordance with Allah's (swt) wisdom to anyone in need of guidance or at a time of despair..

      Alhamdullah, I have been a practicing muslim since I was at a very young age. (5 times salaat, fasting, zakah, and began wearing hijab full time in my 20s). I have been reading Quran religiously (some arabic but mostly english so that I could understand Allah's swt warnings, examples & bounties) every morning after fajr prayer since the beginning of last year up until now. I try my best, and also implement an islamic lifestyle to our two teenage children. My husband was not practicing up until about a year before we met, so he told me. He did pray 5 times when we got married, but over the years he slacked off. Finally now, for about a year or two he doesn't miss a prayer, except fajr sometimes but even if late he would make it up, and he also sometimes does tahajud prayer now. He does go to Friday prayer when he is able, alhamdullah.

      I have sat down with my husband many times over the years up until recently to discuss the issue of him stop visiting websites, whether news, sports, etc. with disrespectful & shameless women posing. He says he is not focused on their pictures and that he is just interested in the news articles. I don't think he still watches porn, but Allah swt knows best. It is just that those pictures of the supermodels in the news are just as bad as the ones in porn. Unfortunately that is what has become of the modeling industry now. Anyway, these "discussions" always end up leading to an argument because he refuses to stop reading those articles on those "unislamic" sites and probably thinks that there is not that much bad things there.

      We also tried counceling with muslim and non muslims over the years. Unfortunately the result always being that men cannot hide themselves away from the world of disrespectful females nowadays, they are everywhere, and that "I" just have to deal with it. I don't think that it is fair that women especially muslim ones have to lower their standards or should I say lower their ideal of what they should expect of their husbands because "haram" is more prevalent. Men need to put more effort into handling the situation respectfully by lowering their gaze and removing themselves from a temptuous situation, besides having the cop-out excuse of, "there is nothing I can do about it."

      I also understand the point that a woman has to give her husband enough intimate time so that he doesn't feel the need to go elsewhere, and vice versa.

      Thank you so much for forwarding the video of Nouman Ali Khan. I totally adore his advice and so many of his topics hit home for me with issues I have been dealing with over the years. I have never seen the one you forwarded to me before, until just now. It was awesome, and I wish so much that my husband would take heed of his message which is what our dean teaches anyway, alhamdullah.

      I think my husband would probably walk away if I showed it to him. For some reason he seems to not like his videos. Maybe cause he feels like NAK is directing his comments right at him! I don't know. I wish that my husband would act exactly the way NAK promotes in his lectures and demeanor. Then my problem would be totally solved, inshaAllah!!! I wish there were more men like NAK out there for women trying to hold on to the dean of islam.

      Again, I am thanking you for your wonderful advice. May Allah reward you and make your struggles overcome with ease, inshaAllah!!!

      • Assalamualaykum,

        The best advice resource and source of support that I encourage everyone I know going through this is an amazing husband wife team of coaches.

        Megan W. Who runs Wives of Jannah, and is a certified coach and an amazing resource for sisters.

        And her Husband Zeyad Ramadan who runs the amazing deep, healing and practical pornographysex Addiction program for Muslim men and women - Lower Your Gaze

        1)Please Google and at least read their free articles asap. Today.

        2)Then take a 1-3 month fast from as many evils as possible in your environment - not-great company, music, TV, gaze lowering, materlismadvertising, cursinghearing cursing, major sin committing etc. During this period find your answers through camel tying and dua making. Perhaps a camping trip or retreat somewhere, cheap? Think of yourself as the young guys in the cave of Sarah Kahaf. What dua did they make in ayah10?

        3) Qur'anic help - Tafseer of Sarah Noor. Esp the first few ayahs. A meaningful tafseer you can connect with. Follow at least the easiest rules you find there. Read Sarah Kahf after evening adhkar or Maghrib onThursday nights - get the noor on you from Allah - need to maximize as much Noor as you can. This is crucial.

        Did you know fashaha is linked to loosing your noor? And noor gives you the clarity to understand and see your oppression of people as well as people's oppression of you?

        Watching non halal things is stealing your own joy. Anything you enjoy in life is from your rizq. Even Haram things. How? Anything and everything you get in life is from your share of rizq. The halal future rizq of pleasure can be stolen early through haram means. Applying Sabar as a way of being grateful however can increase your rizq (be grateful and I shall increase you..). Choices, choices 🙂

        Lots of Muslims are facing the fitnah and many have taken the steps to heal. Which one will you be? The sinner who repented or the one who allowed shaytan to play with their dignity? And lead then to doom?

        I have researched these things for many years myself as a childhood abuse victim to angrily trying to find answers in pornography (subconscious rehashing humiliation upon myself through fantasy to reply my humiliation as a child to try to fight it some how) it was messed up. To being so clean and free despite being unmarried my whole life. I'm in my early 30's. Trust me, the above could possibly be the answers you were looking for if you use them well.

        I am on such a beautiful recovery journey I thank Allah for my childhood experiences! My recovery has been my guidance and help. I made evil manipulative mistakes too, no angel here. Allah showed me how to recover, not make excuses because being abusive comes naturally from being abused even if your own abuse is tinier in comparison. Once I started admitting my mistakes and forgetting the mistakes of others in my family I got so much more goodness than I bargained for.

        I'm telling you this so you can see yourself in my story and find a way out. Dealing with this is one of the most important things you should prioritize to deal with because our sexual selves are the sign for our responsible selves - think about it you became an adult and responsible as soon as your reproductive self was activated.

        Allah has the power to do anything and is more merciful than you are to yourself. Your test is reaching for the right thing instead of the wrong thing to help - especially reaching for the right help (Allah's) instead of wrong help (alleviating it through haram) WHILST you are in the sinning process. I.e keep repenting, esp when you have repeated the sin. Add a good deed afterwards to overcome and gain back some dignity, and get more help, make more dua if you backtrack.

        Some of the most twisted things humans do are through getting hooked on misusing their reproductive organs. Neurons get linked through pleasurable activity. Don't hardwire your brain to evil. Be smart and hardwire it any and many other pleasurable halal thing in a balance.

        Allah is the source of strength.

  3. There seems to be a few tangent issues which have come together to support your generalisation of muslim men. I think a few of the main issues result in your experience in your married life, my sister, please do not think that all men are like that, they arent. The root of what is actually hurting you isnt that men have double standards, its the flagrant injustice your husband is carrying out in front of you, watching porn, looking at half naked ladies etc. this injustice needs to be dealt with.

    As mentioned, please sit down and evaluate your situation and circumstances, is your marriage how you want it to be, a perfect islamic union? Are you both working to the akhirah or do you think you are laboured with a man who doesnt want to change? Is there more you can do etc etc Then have a discussion and chat with your husband on how to improve your relationship and marriage, another key issue it seems is that your husband is putting these thoughts of ugliness into your head and mind, thats not fair and is another injustice he is doing upon you.

    Sister i think you are right now at a point in your marriage where very tough and difficult decisions may need to be made, please do it carefully, think it through and consult elders and scholars for advice and guidance. Your husband however, has no right to treat you emotionally, mentally and address you physically in the manner he has been doing so, do not live with this injustice.

    • Salaam and thank you so much for your response to my post. I really do not mean to generalize all muslim men as having double standards towards women. Of course there must be so many G-d fearing men, both muslim and non-muslim, throughout the world. I only wish that there were more of them around to help and to guide those of them who are struggling with their nafs in this modern, immoral society.

      My marriage is totally not where I would like it to be. My husband says, when he is angry with me about this topic of conversation, that he will not change who he is. I don't know exactly what he is trying to say except that he will not stop watching the things that bother me, which I have been complaining to him about for all these years of our marriage. That right there proves to me that he does not think that our marriage and family happiness is more important than his entertainment. That really hurts me, because if he hated me to be involved in something that bothered him for many years, and I refused to let go of it, I am sure that he would think that I could care less about our marriage and put our relationship in the trash. That would really be shame on me.

      He never blames himself only he says that "I" am the cause of years of an unhappy and wasted marriage. I wish I could see what I have done wrong by merely attempting to "hold on to the rope of Allah" by desperately trying to keep my family away from vices and temptations that will lead to the hell fire and unfortunately to the demise of a happy islamic family.

      There was a time when he said that he would stay away from such matters of shamelessness in the media and entertainment, but he never followed through on that commitment. He probably doesn't watch porn anymore, I don't think that he does, but he still is careless about immodestly dressed women in movies and in the news advertisements, etc.

      Now and for a long time ago, he says that he is stuck with me. How can we even try to move forward together if someone is telling the other that they are STUCK with them. No matter what I try to do or don't do for him, it seems to be a lost cause. He is planning to move back to his country by the end of the year, he says. I don't even know how to act or respond to that. If we have a happy moment together with our children, does it have any deep meaning or is it just a temporary, passing moment until he leaves for good?

      It is so difficult, I can only take it one day at a time and pray for patience from Allah. I have to keep silent from now on about his entertainment, because it is a lost cause now. And to think that our marriage has fallen all because of ME not being "normal like everyone else and accepting society the way it is in this modern era of ignorance and immorality"!

      May Allah have mercy on us all. Thank you for your time!

  4. According to Google, Pakistan tops the list of most porn-searching countries and leads the way in porn searches for animal sex also........ news website Salon reported on Thursday...... six of the top eight porn-searching countries were Muslim states. The country at number two in the list was Egypt, while Iran, Morocco, Saudi Arabia and Turkey came in at numbers four, five, seven and eight, respectively.

    • SVS ,

      What can be the reason ?
      The more the society is open the less searches for Porn ?

      • No society should blame its reliance on porn on another society. This isn't an excuse, especially if they believe their system is working.

    • @SVS,

      As Muslims, we can rely on Google for other many useful information, but we can't rely on Google to tell us that the top viewers of porn are from Muslim countries. Do we know what this implies at all? Ok, so we get it. There should be no need for being strict in Muslim societies anymore? Muslim societies needs to be open now?

      Even if we assumed that the information is true, are we as Muslims, allowed to spy on the sins of one another, let alone to spread them? Isn't this what Google did, if the information is true?

      • As for us Muslims (the OP may deliver this to her husband as well), we should frequently ponder much on:

        1. Ar-Raqib (The Watchful).

        2. Al-Hafiz (The Preserver).

        3. Al-'Alim (The All Knowing, the Omniscient).

        4. As-Sami' (The All Hearing).

        5. Al-Basir (The All Seeing).

        We should, at the same time, worship Allah by them throughout our daily life activities, till we are able to attain much consciousness of Allah through His blessings and guidance in Those His Beautiful Names--that is the spiritual station of al-Muraaqabah (i.e. Monitoring)..

        Also, we may include "Al-Hayyu (The Living), Al-Qayyum (The Eternal)" to the five above till Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Revives our heart by them--this is the spiritual station of special life.

  5. assalaam alaikum..... well yes I've noticed the double standard behaviour from all the men I know in my community family and all. I have never met a sincere Muslim man or heard about him.....even scholar s who claim to be religious only do good where it suits them.... the issue here in the end is not them..... it's us. we need to focus on ourselves our kids and that's it.... we can only pray for them that's all and ask protection from their evil. the rest they can choose to say what they want or go where they want to it's his his life will always be you know your just a wife a halaal woman to him... and halaal kids (to him) get what I mean? they really don't care about others desires only theirs,alone.

    • All men do not hold double standards and inn shaa Allah, Muslim mothers can do a better job in influencing the future Muslim men if we continue to hold such rigid and negative opinions of them.

      I understand that you may have had a very difficult life, but the people who disappoint us certainly should not become our definition of humanity and nor do they deserve to be and if we allow it, we choose to be victims again and again.

    • @Sister haniyyyya,

      Don't expect to see sincere Muslim men everywhere or in any pre-marriage relationships, and if you haven't seen or heard of one yet, then that doesn't mean that they do not exist.

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    Double standards exist in both men and women. Think about those women who are treat their daughter-in-laws with injustice even when they experienced the very same as a young bride and YET, they would never want their daughter to be treated the way that they treat their own daughter-in-law. There are many other such examples, but, the point being double standards is practiced by men and women both.

    On dressing modestly, remember that women do this first and foremost to please Allah swt. Not every woman has a brother or a father or a husband or a son to dress modestly for--so, a Muslim woman dresses the way she dresses due to her relationship with Allah swt.

    If someone wants to play games, let them--you stay focused on yourself. You have made it known to him that he is sinning by resorting to porn--you know it, he knows it, and he needs to take responsibility for it. Most likely, he needs counselling, especially if he can't stop. The fact he admitted to it and promised to stop it, means he knows he is wrong. For your marriage to move forward, I suggest that you ask him to go and see a counsellor both alone and with you in order to iron out these issues. If he continues to say no, make no improvement, put you down, you should know that this is no way to live.

    The comments he made about your physique and your mother's physique is completely against Islam - there really is no way to justify this, especially since he said it to your son and then accused him of lying. With his comments regarding waiting for the right time to save money and then leave is extremely concerning--it means he is not invested in this relationship for the long term and there is a lot going on in his mind. Again, you both should go to counselling.

    Yes, these double standards exist--but we really do have to deal with them case by case. I do suggest that you make more du'a to Allah swt, cry to Him and ask Allah swt for guidance. Try your best to not argue or yell back at your husband - ignore his hurtful comments - instead:

    1) Ask him calmly to seek counselling in order to have a successful marriage
    2) If he keeps on cursing you, leave the room and ignore him - it is important that you don't react because he is saying and doing hurtful things to get a particular reaction from you - don't give him that reaction. This is hard, but it isn't impossible - when you need to cry, do so to Allah swt because He surely will hear you.
    3) It doesn't appear that you want to separate - so, you may need to see a counsellor on your own to get support on how to deal with his attitude. It could be that he is abusive - which has nothing to do with men in general, just him in particular.
    4) Don't ever believe his negative remarks.

    I pray that you find a solution to your problems in your marriage, inn shaa Allah.

    • AssalamuAlaikum WRWB,

      I really appreciate your kind words of advice, alhamdullah. I agree with you that double standards are practiced by both men and women, alike, unfortunately. It is wrong either way. Doing so will only make oneself a hypocrite and will ultimately lead one into the deepest part of the hellfire. Astaghfirallah.

      I feel the same way when you say that my husband appears to not be invested in this relationship for the long term, and there is absolutely a lot going on in his mind. Since I first posted my original message, my husband has afterwards been admitted into the hospital for an unexpected triple bypass surgery. He later developed shingles and is still suffering with the pain and discomfort of that. Even after all this, and me trying to take care of him, he still manages to lose his temper when I mention to him about hopefully him changing NOW after this major trial in his life. The moment I bring up about him being careful about his entertainment he loses all control and even swung a punch at me on my forehead and then slapped me on the back of my head when I was trying to block myself from him. I don't even know where he got the strength to come after me like that when he just had open heart surgery and I thought he was weakened by it. I told him that it appears that he would rather defend those shameless women in the media than to kindly give up anything involving shamelessness.

      I really do not understand where he is coming from or going to. He watches islamic movies about shaikhs and religious scholars, etc. in his own language. Yet, when I simply ask him or advise him about doing righteous things, islamic things, which would actually prevent future misunderstandings between us, he blows up still. Today I simply asked him to kindly block random females from a chat app that he has on his phone which he uses to text his family and male friends. Because I asked him if he thinks that it is appropriate for his friends's wives, daughters, or random women's photos etc to be appearing on his phone in this app, he had the nerve to get angry with me, saying that I am causing him SO much stress; as a result we haven't spoken for the rest of the day because of his anger at me. I told him would you like if I had a chat app and my female friends' husbands, sons or random males photos and chats appeared on my phone? He didn't respond except that he got mad and refused to eat my food which he then threw in the garbage.

      You know, I am thinking to myself, the requests that I make of my husband are simply what islam would expect of any married couple; for peace, respect, protecting our nafs, etc., isn't it? Or am I such an unreasonable wife to expect such a level of respect in a marriage. I give up! I think that I have no other choice rather than to wait until he recovers from his health issues and makes his own decision to leave by the end of the year if that is his ultimate desire. He plans to move to his country near some beach resort area where he says he wants to relax and gain taqwa. I told him how can you gain taqwa by moving near a beach area where everyone is walking around half naked? I asked him, what makes him think he can get taqwa away from his family, single & alone, in such an environment, yet have such a hard time achieving taqwa together with his family here and now?

      Allah knows best about everything. This seems like a hopeless case. If Allah decrees our separation, then I am willing to accept it under peaceful terms, inshaAllah.

      May Allah grant us all wisdom and patience to make the right choices in our lives! Thank you for your concern and thoughtful advice.

  7. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    I’m sorry to hear about your struggles and the impact it has had on your self-esteem.

    Firstly, all human beings display double standards. It’s important to note that this isn’t a Muslim specific phenomenon. In fact all men and women have their own distinct set of weaknesses. At the time of our prophet’s (PBUH) death, he warned men from one huge weakness: women. He knew that through the proliferation of fitnah and temptation the Muslim ummah would break down, as we are seeing it happening today. It is therefore extremely important for everyone to be careful regarding their surrounding environment and the temptations around us so that we do not get sucked into it.

    Your husband has a spiritual disease and unfortunately no one can change him but himself. He has chosen to walk on this destructive path of giving into his nafs and letting it to take over him. He is a weak person who is looking for something to “curb” his desire, but he’s going to keep failing as there is no end to this vicious cycle. So my dear sister, do not burden your soul with his inability to control himself. You do not lack anything. If you were the most beautiful person in this world, he would still be snooping around because he has become a puppet to his nafs. No human is perfect; we all have flaws so bashing yourself isn’t going to diminish your pain in any way. A woman’s body after giving birth changes tremendously. If he can’t love you for who you are, then frankly he doesn’t deserve you.

    With the same token I do believe it is very important for both men and women to take care of themselves in today’s society. It is very easy to deviate from the right path when temptations are around you, left and right. So I do suggest you take care of your body and your health, but do so for the right reasons. Do it for your own happiness.

    I suggest you let your husband know that you are no longer going to live a lie and life of disrespect. Let him know that he needs to change himself and put the option of counselling on the table. If he chooses not to do anything about this issue, then you need to ask yourself are you going to stick around for another 13 years just to be emotionally degraded.

    You need to start loving yourself more than to take anyone’s mental abuse and show your children that no one should choose to live this way.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

  8. I never once said good men don't exist ofcourse they do.....I said I haven't met one yet...... I don't date at all..... I meant all proposal s I got were from hypocrites. double standard men. who wants u to have a clean past but he committed zina all his life and stopped 3 days before the nikaah and apparently has the excuse ALLAH forgives..... if we all have that mindset of those men I tell u I guess it's OK and your actually making it halaal to zina. because why? you will repent later and ask forgiveness????? and that right there is u trying to fool ALLAH.....

    • Got your point.

    • Your point is valid .

      And when situation was reversed .i.e a girl has past sexual history and just some time back seems to have repented the sin then most of advise of members in this forum is to accept the girl in to Nikah as past is past and now that person is pious due to repentance .

      So "Past is Past" and "pious due to repentance now after bad past " concept is very complicated .
      Better to try for a spouse with no bad past and and good character but chances of getting such people are very less .So some day some decision has to come in life and rest all is LUCK 🙂

      • I sincerely do not believe that most of the members of this forum support accepting a girl that has committed zina, but DON'T accept a boy that has. The point is to NOT treat either girls or boys differently in this matter. In other words, if a boy or a girl take repentance lightly and committ sins openly and believe that repentance will miraculously save them with that attitude, then such a person should be avoided especially if this is how they are living in the present. If a boy or a girl has repented and are living a life on the Deen, then they should be treated as such.

        • Sisters ,

          My point is not about gender but about these concepts .i.e "Past is Past" and "Pious due to repentance now after bad past " which is complicated.

          Because it is difficult to know the repentance is sincere or just because of bad experience and set backs in life .

          • I agree with you 100%.

            It is difficult to know if anyone is sincere with or without a past and there are people with no past relationships who are insincere an there are those with a past who are sincere...absolutely, it is difficult to know--and that is perhaps always been my point.

  9. dear sister media is just for the sake of entertainment and you cannot say these women are bad just by seeing their modern dresses or half naked, not all women on media wear half naked dresses.
    i am a woman. your husband should not make a remark but must say directly to you to lose your weight . a woman should look like a woman not elephant. smart people look good. i dont want to be fat . not after marriage.. just because you are now married so you need not to lose your weight? that means it was all for the husband now you have got a partner so need not to look good?.
    its my personal experience at the bus stop the girls married or single who have fat butt they just move up and down and got people's attention(both gender) and it does not look nice or good that your re taking out your shirt which goes in your butt by sitting or standing, your butt making a line that look so bad.. even if you wear burqa i hope you dont wear burqa at home. please try to look good for you and your husband and even for your children they would compliment you "mommy looks so good". fat body hides the beauty.
    and there is nothing to mind about. i am telling you the plain truth. people will say that you dont need to lose weight or you are good they just lie only because they think it would hurt the other person 🙂
    and yes your husband must not watch porn. it is increasing his sins. but first target to lose weight, at some point of his life he would give up porn after 4 or 5 years may be if he is continuously doing this, there is no way, he would do it secretly.and please dont fight on these issues coz he will start to hide small things from you even, it would be a great mess then.

    • I am sorry, but your post is full of insensitive comments and truly lacks tact (a woman shouldn't look like an elephant and smart people look good...etc) . You could have conveyed your message much better. Do you sincerely think it was helpful? And in case you end up being offended by my comment, imagine how your post makes the OP feel.

      • thats my freedom of speech and i dont need your approval to speak. mind your own business

        • @Lorelei Lee,

          What freedom of speech are you talking about here? Are you not the same person who was judging Sister Haniyyyya's comment on the other post (Question regarding relations between husband and wife)? Did you think that was her freedom of speech? Or is this a sort of hypocrisy of you?

        • Oh...I didn't realize this was only your business...

          • sister Lee seems troubled..we will bare patience regarding her, I guess

          • dear sister Saba, i hope i did not abuse her in my answers, i was straight foward.
            and sister if i m not mistaken you call a girl "slut" on some post i think you are that girl?. the admin knows .i try not to abuse others or something she needed solution and advice and i gave her.
            i hope my answer wont hurt you as i am straight fowardly telling you. alhamdulilah my mother always told me to speak the truth thats why i sound harsh to others many times while in real life i speak in a very polite manner. may be my words are harsh so i will try to correct me.
            Thank you
            And miss hina i am sorry if my words hurt you.

        • Lorelei Lee,

          I see you have attempted to apologize by wrongfully accusing me of calling someone the derogatory word that you chose to just use.

          I don't know if you are confused or attempting something else, but it unacceptable. I advise you to stop spreading rumors and making up stories by saying "and sister if i m not mistaken you call a girl "slut" on some post i think you are that girl?". The burden of proof lies upon you and unfortunately for you, there is no proof since this didn't happen.

  10. Dear sister from your post it is very clear that your husband is at wrong HOWEVER you were unable to handle it constructively.

    He has weakness in his morals, you have given him explicit feedback repeatedly in a way that instead of getting remorseful he is attacking you back by feedback at your physical weakness and justifying himself.

    Good advice is already given to you but I will like to add that you and your husband keep your kids out of these fights and feed backs. You both are emotionally crushing them. They don't have to take sides with either parent and should be kept out of this drama .Do not poison their minds and help them grow peacefully by keeping respect for both parents.
    Try not to teach your husband a lesson on his immorality in front of kids. It is not helping anyone.
    Your conflict should be discussed where kids are not around.

    • Agreed. If the children are exposed to this, know what they do? If they get into trouble with mum, they run to dad, because they know dad and mum are not together and so they will escape. You certainly cannot raise good children in such a situation.
      But when mum and dad are a team...oh boy the kids won't be naughty anymore.

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