A lot of drama: adultery, incest, lesbianism.
I apologize in advance if my post becomes too long but I would like to make sure I have posted as much detail as I can.
Let me start from as early as I can remember. I was still a child, no more than 3 or 4 years old and I can remember my parents arguing. I remember my dad telling my mom he has some work to do, and he would take me with him to his mistress house and would leave me in the sitting room whilst he 'does his work'. My mother found out some time later that he continued his adultery. I'm not sure what discussion followed but I know that mom has given him another chance. A few years later he was caught again, cheating on my mother, this time with my cousin from my mothers side. I cannot exactly remember how that had turned out but I'm assuming she gave him another chance.
Around the time I turned 9, though I dont remember exactly, was when my dad started to touch me inappropriately. It would get worse as time went by and eventually he would do everything except penetrate. When I was about 13 he again started to cheat on my mother, which as usual, my mother just gave him another chance. By the time I was 16, I made some really good friends to whom I managed to confide this information to. They told me that why have I never stopped him. I told them that I do but he simply doesn´t listen. They told me not to stop trying to stop him and talk to him about it. So I confronted him and told him I want this to stop and it is wrong of you to do this. He said that he wasn´t wrong and that it was my fault that I allowed him to do it. I cannot believe he was blaming me for it. He did say he'll stop then. For about a week I was abuse free but then it started again. At this point I realized I just wanted to get away from here. I had just finished my A levels and I decided I will go to UK for my university education with a friend of mine. When I told him of this news he quickly disapproved but I told him that I have already accepted the offer and that I'm going.
I know it was wrong of me to put him in that position but I wasn´t thinking clearly and I just wanted to get away. Because of this new found irritation in me, he stopped touching me. A month later I went off to england with my friend. Whilst in England, I got really close to my friend who is a girl. We got a bit too close and now I think we have fallen in love with each other which we both know is wrong in islam. Though we do not commit any physical acts between each other, I still consider her as the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. She was with me through every single hardship and helped me through it all. We obviously hide this relationship from everyone we know. It is now 3 years and I am still with her. There were times when we decided it is wrong and we should stop and we'd try but we just cant seem to imagin life without each other. I must admit my salah isn´t as regular as it should but believe me when I say I do try to be as regular as I can. I have comeback now to my parents house as it is the summer holidays and my mom has informed me that my father has again found another mistress who lives in another city. He would take trips to go there and stay there for a few days and come back.
I know again that I have done something wrong but I went through his mobile phone and computer and I found text messages confirming his relationship. I also found emails and nude pictures of this other woman on his laptop. I confronted him about this and told him that, i know you are unhappy with us and if you wish, then go and marry this other woman. He just denied everything and continues on with his behaviour. My mother has gotten quite ill as everytime he talks or meets this woman, my mother gets depressed. I tell her to leave him but she doesn´t want to. She says she needs to stay with him till I finish my education so that he pays for the fees. I told her that that is between me and him. But she still insists to stay. She says that when I am done studying, she will leave, but I don´t believe she will and I am scared for her health.
As you can see my life is a bit messed up at the moment and I would like to know how to solve this issue I have with my girlfriend (yes, I call her that). We know it´s wrong but it seems so hard to just let go. And also what is it that I can do to make my dad just leave us and be with his woman. No one is happy the way we are at our home. I don´t understand why he just doesn't leave.
jd
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ASA JD... Indeed your situation is very sad and difficult!
To begin with, you already know that your "relationship with your girlfriend is wrong"... so I wont repeat it. But have you tried moving out of her house? Maybe by doing so you can have your mom move in with you and this way she can leave your dad. Who seems to be more interested in other women than in your mom and yourself... Sister! I am the last person who should be telling you this, but you are living in sin. Break yourself out of this! Find yourself back to Islam, ask Allah swt to guide you and to give you the strength you need in such hard times. You need to break this cycle. In my opinion you feel this way towards your "girlfriend" due to her being the only person there for you,when you most needed someone, and also after being abused by your father. Dont let your past influence you negative. Pray, read the Quran and ask Allah to forgive you and your father...Sorry, Im sure this is not of much help, but I hope you can keep in mind there are many options out there..
Your sister in Islam,
AMIRA
Assalamu alaykum Sister jd89,
May Allah guide you as you seek good advice to come back on track with yourself and your family.
Sister, leave all matters to Allah. Just relax. Do not think too much about "what will happen" if you leave the girl who has been with you in hardship. Remember, Allah has always been with you in hardship, if He leaves you , have you imagined what can happen?
13. And if We had so willed, We could have given every soul its guidance, but the word from Me concerning evil doers took effect: that I will fill hell with the jinn and mankind together.
14. So taste (the evil of your deeds). Forasmuch as ye forgot the meeting of this your day, lo! We forget you. Taste the doom immortality because of what ye used to do. - Surah 32, As Sajdaa.
One who is left to wander by Allah, one forsaken by Him, would have no helper. Therefore, turn to Allah in all adoration and love and seek forgiveness and seek refuge of Allah from Satan's whispers. Remember Allah and Allah will remember you.
152. Therefore remember Me, I will remember you. Give thanks to Me, and reject not Me. - Surah Al Baqarah.
As far as mother is concerned, she may leave him after you finish studies. You should understand that a person only bears some pain because he / she is able to bear it. If the pain is unable to bear, either the person would move away, run away or would die. She is willing to undergo the suffering because she is mentally and physically able to bear it and though depressed she is not willing to leave your dad for some reasons, and a woman can have many more reasons than just telling what comes in form of words from her mouth. Only Allah knows.
The day she is fed up of this, Insha Allah, she herself will leave him.
Allah says in the Qur'an very clearly that if a woman fears desertion from husband, peace is not achieved in marriage, a couple may separate from each other and Allah will compensate her out of His abundance. Insha Allah.
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah An Nisaa.
The weakness in us humans is that we think too much of the consequences of our actions like what will happen if I leave him, what about my daughter, what will people say, will she get good proposals, who will pay for us, how will we earn etc. etc.
But for those who believe see how beautifully Allah shows us a way " But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing ".
When we were in our mother's wombs we did not know where we are, where we would go, how would we breathe, who would feed us, how would we walk, it was always Allah who made provision for us.
Wallahu khairur raaziqiin - And Allah is the best of Providers.
So trust Allah, ask your mother to do the same, and take necessary steps in life without waiting much. Insha Allah.
May Allah help you in your tasks.
Salaam,
Your brother.
As salamu alaykum, sister Jd,
This is my personal opinion about your situation, please take it with a pinch of salt and forgive me if I am too harsh.
Your father was and is in a comfortable position, he has your mother, he had you and he had all the women he wanted, nobody has ever stopped him, unless he finds a woman that wants him for herself completely this will be this way until the end of his days, this man abused you.
Your mother has been conscious always of who he is and what he has done, and she is comfortable, sick but comfortable, and she even allow herself to say she is sacrificing for you to finish your studies, where was she when your father abused you?
You haven´t had anyone who you could trust and still you don´t have anyone really.
Your need of seeing your father leaving your mother or your mother leaving your father, this is strange, you have a great urge to see the couple spliting, I am not saying you are not right, but what I don´t understand is why you get so involved in your parents issues, let them alone to solve their problems, you are the daughter, remember this, you shouldn´t be looking if he has a mistress or one hundred, you are his daughter, he is not cheating on you, he is cheating on your mother, he is not your husband is your mother´s husband, he is your father.
You are worried about your mother´s health, she is the one that has to solve her problems, she is an adult and you should respect her decisions, you don´t know what is the best for her, she knows what is the best for her, don´t let her manipulate you with sickness and using you as a excuse to be with your father, tell her she is free to stay with your father, it is her decision, don´t let her or your father use you anymore and learn to separate from your father, he is not your man, he is the man that betrayed your innocence even when was supposed to protect you, then stay away from both of them as much as you can and free yourself from their sick influence in your life, insha´Allah.
This woman you are with, she likes women, I am sure that if you split she will be with other women, but I am not so sure about you, through your words I can sense you have the feeling that she is the dominant one in a very subtle way, she is comfortable with you and she is in love with you, but you just needed to be loved and protected by anyone and she was around and was available for you, that was all.
You need to strengthen yourself and more you get stronger the distance between this woman and you will grow, because she is addicted to the woman with problems and unhealed wounds, when you heal yourself and you begin to put everything in the right place, she won´t recognize you and will see through you as in a mirrow and she will have to see that she is the one with a problem not you, this situation is going to cause deep troubles on her, because she is used to think you are the one on troubles, and won´t be this way on the future, because will have to admit that she is lesbian and you are not, when you knew each other, you were just in a vulnerable situation.
What I see here is that you have to begin to focus on yourself and your relationship to Allah(swt) this way closer you get to Allah(swt), clearer you will see your own situation and the role everyone is playing on it, will be easier to take the right decisions to begin and end your process of healing and will be able to live strongly rooted in real values, insha´Allah.
Detached yourself from family and friends that are taking you far from the straight Path, know they are there, if they help you be there, don´t let them use you or manipulate you, and try to go back to the Straight Path at your own speed (crawling, walking or running) knowing that Allah(swt) is for you Open Arms ready to hold you when you decide it.
Do tawbah for your sins (repent from heart, stop sinning and don´t go again to it), pray your salat, ask Him for guidance (Istikhara on top of the page), recite the Quran, listen to it, learn about your deen and go deeper on it. Take care of yourself, exercise, be with people that will help you to grow in your deen and be closer to Allah(swt).
Sister, be the best you can be, give yourself the time you need to understand your process, but yesterday better than today to return to the straight Path, this will ease with difference all your healing process.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wonderful and well thought-out response. JD, please take this advice to heart.
Sister Maria M,
Does it not seem so that you made too many assumptions and drew conclusions about the character of the other girl?
As salamu alaykum, Brother Munib,
My "assumptions"and "conclusions" are based on the facts that sister jd has exposed, read carefully and you may see what I mean.
To stablish a homosexual relationship you need two, and at least one of them have to be sure they like women, if not this won´t go further of a normal friendship between two women. A woman that has been abused is easy that falls in the arms of a man or a woman that shows love, kindness, care,...if the experience with men is very traumatic is even easier to fall in the hands of other woman, that feels attracted towards her and that knows which are the buttons to pressure to make her moves closer towards her.
That is why I talk the way I do, sister Jd, has a full world to discover once she heals her wounds and become a healthy woman, then she will be able to give herself the choice of marrying and having children without the ghosts of the bad examples she has had in her own home, insha´Allah.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum,
Sister jd89 wrote:
A month later I went off to england with my friend. Whilst in England, I got really close to my friend who is a girl. We got a bit too close and now I think we have fallen in love with each other which we both know is wrong in islam. Though we do not commit any physical acts between each other, I still consider her as the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. She was with me through every single hardship and helped me through it all. We obviously hide this relationship from everyone we know. It is now 3 years and I am still with her. There were times when we decided it is wrong and we should stop and we'd try but we just cant seem to imagin life without each other.
*** " I think I have fallen in love with her" ( Not she has fallen in love with me).
*** " I still consider her to be the person I want to be with for the rest of my life".
Two "I"s and other "we" and not at one place she has put blame solely on the other girl and in your answer I find a character sketch of the other person without knowing much about her and sister jd89 saying clearly the above points.
Certainly your post seems to be full of assumptions because jd89 does not reveal any bad detail or blame or suspicious act or malnature of the other girl in England. You may read your post again and know for yourself.
I do not mind, you have your right to express as you like, but without knowing about a person, you said much, so I just thought to point it out.
Please forgive me if it sounded rude or disrespectful to you Sister Maria.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Walaykum as salam, Brother Munib,
I maybe wrong in my "assumptions" and "conclusions", this was my personal opinion after reading the post, her way of expressing, her experience and what determined to write what I wrote was this last phrase she wrote: " I would like to know how to solve this issue I have with my girlfriend", but obviously what you see when you read is not what I see when I read, Alhamdulillah.
I don´t think that any of them have malnature or have done anything wrong, I believe both of them need to solve something and in the case of sister Jd, I have been very clear in the post of what I think about it, related to the girl she is with, the day she writes if she does, we will know, if in any case any of them feel I have offended them, I apologise from Heart to both of them.
Just one thing more, you do mind and you are in your right to point anything out while you do it respectfully.
What do you miss, brother Munib?
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Maria,
Thank you for your words. I just made a point that we do not know how the other girl is, we have hardly any detail about her and the lesbian part in your answer portrayed too many details about the other girl's present and future responses.
It is your personal opinion, and all are free to express their views. No banning on anyone.
I just gave my view, to me it seemed little harshness towards the other girl in England without knowing her present state.
Anyways, as you say, " we both have established our points".
Jazaakallah sister.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Walaykum as salam, Brother Munib.
Thank you.
Wasalam.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well done for leaving your abusive home and telling your dad he was wrong. you are not to blame for this, and make you it never happens again!
pray to Allah to fix your dad and make him aware that what he did was wrong, ask allah to make your dad cured, and that he repents to Allah before he dies and also that he never tries and does this again and that he apologises to you.
Secondly about ur relationship with the girl, it is a desire in you that only allah can help you get rid of, if you want to get rid of the desire then that is the first step, but without allah you cant succeed, so pray to Allah to remove the feelings of desire from your heart towards her and from her heart towards you, ask Allah to make you love what he loves and hate what he hates, Ask Allah to keep shytan away from you and to make u sincere to Allah
You need to make so much dua to ALLAH and you need to pray all ur prayers
if you trust in allah then leave the girl
I don’t think your father is going to learn. How can he have a multiple relationship when he’s supposed to love who he married? Your mom needs to take back her power; she gives most of her power to your dad and lets him get away committing adultery which is HUGE sin in Islam. It’s not fair that he’s doing all of this and you and your mom can’t do much about it. When you get the chance to, tell your mom to leave him and never take him back. Your mom forgave him too many times but like I said, he will never learn or admit his guilt, its best to leave him. Also do not give him any second chances, believe me he will only crawl back if is not satisfied with his mistress cause then he will realize it was you and your mom who were really there for him but remember he took advantage of your mom too much, it’s time to take back what’s yours and your moms, your power and leave him for good.
You may have fell in love with your friend because she was always there for you and you may have not found someone else at the time since she was with you threw hardships but its best to cut tides with her for a while. Don’t talk or visit her that much, not saying don’t see her at all but its best for Allah(swt) sake. You should communicate with her only a few times, so you don’t associate yourself in earning Allah(swt) anger because God forbid if your relationship goes further with her then you might have put yourself in a situation you can’t get out and what’s worst then being exposed for it in the reckoning and being send to Hellfire. Remember that Allah(swt) knows all that we do and will be shown on Qiyamaa( judgement day)
Also I would like to say after reading this, I think you are a kind person, just remember not to let people take advantage of your kindness.
look sister
u know wat to do... find yourself and your mother a place and live a life. repent for what has taken place and inshaallah Allah will help u all. we can pick up and move on and we need no one except Allah. So please dont loss ur trust and yakeen from Allah he is the only one who can and will help u just need to let go of any sort of haram happening and do wat is right.... may Allah help ur family.
Firdous
Your so called Girl Friend? Is she really a girl friend? you say you are not physical with each other, so you have declared some sort of love for each other right? this might simply be sisterly love, and not one that can be compared to the typical girl friend boy friend type of relationship.
Your heart seems to be in the right place, and you have good intentions. I get the feeling, your relationship with this girl, is just a real good friendship especially if its not sexual.
And your dad, well he needs a few days with the imam at a mosque to set him straight, there are sever consequences for his actions- only if he knew.
May Allah make it easy for u.
Salam,
ok.. twas my search for Islamic Jurisprudence on Lesbianism which landed me here.
n goodness me if it broke my heart to read your post.
yaa ukhti jd89..
:'(
first off, tell some Qazi all about your dad like pronto - if u're living in a Muslim country.
am serious, my sis!
this matter ain't one to be shrugged under a rug or delayed, u know.
If, otoh, u're living in a kafir country, then get the miles outta that creep hole u call a home - like asap, again.
(its upto u if u wanna take your silently complicit, mega forgiving n i don't-know-what-shez-thinking mom along with u or no)
then comes ur escape.
this girl u dearly love.
who was there thru every thick n thin (n may Allah reward her for helping u out, n purify her intentions & rectify her actions)
am glad uve atleast found some sort of support u needed in another country, being all vulnerable.
u love her. good.
big deal? no. as long as it aint sexual, u know.
now i know, n i dont wanna judge or assume n whatnot really.
but given ur past experience with that freak u call a father & the licentious lewd debaucherous animalistic aura he had around him @ his home - ur sexuality has got to be higher than average (n therez nothing wrong with that), but u need extra effort than other average people to channel it right n not let it go down the perversion lane drain.
therez this sisterly love, friendly love n closeness, n then therez this lust love, u know.
i know u aint a kid anymore though - n i might sound like patronizing u :/ - ba u need to differentiate between these diff kinds of love, since the boundaries will get blurred out for u ever so often more than the average ppl around u.
n thats your real test.
until u get married to a sane human being & a good Muslim inshAllah, plz try keeping urself chaste.
n its all Sabr really, u know.
ur hesitation to accept that there IS a life other than / without / beyond this girl stems from the same fear ur mom harbors n propagate about losing ur dad (though that girl is inshAllah definitely far better than that stone-able freak. ughhhh!! i hate him so muchh..just reading about him makes my blood boil in my very veins)
nywho, case in point though;
therez a life without her.
n its very vast, n fulla opportunities, n pure love, n whatnot really.
trust in your Allah.. n His infinite Rahmah.. who took u out of that hole, gave u those friends in ur teens hammering courage into u to rein that animal.
n do Sabr, inshAllah.
do Tawakkal in Him, that He s.w.t might show a way full of loyal caring pepople around u.. with pure intentions.. so u never feel alone or insecure or harmed or harrassed ever.
n u can't do sabr n tawakkal.. unless u talk to Him.. your Rabb.. your Creator.. in Salah.
sister, talk to Him.. know Him.. sister, Salah (literally meaning connection) is your only connection with Him, ya know.
Read about life / Seerah of His Messenger (salaLLAhu alehi wa alihi wassalam) who was verbally abused all the time in his own home town from his own kith n kin n blood n whatnot.
How he did sabr.. n hoped for the best.. when people abandoned him.. left him in the lurch.. threw stones at him.
such sabr..
such tawakkal.
P.S: i love u ^^ .. for the sake of Allah, ya ukhti al habibti.
n u can contact me whenever.. umm.. though i dunno how.. n if u're in the 'UKayh' then i live quite far off.. but yeah, wuteva, u get the gist :}