Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Drugs, lies and no trust…

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Asalaamu'alaikum,

I am writing to you in hopes that you can help guide me to the right path when it comes to my situation.

My hand in Marriage was sought by a family for thier son a little over 2 years ago. I did not know this man, who is now my husband, prior to this proposal. The family was very well mannered and their daughters(2), my sister in laws, were the sweetest of girls, my brother in law is a very well respected man in the islamic community, he is constantly volunteering, attending lectures and commiting himself to the deen. My family and I automatically assumed that thier eldest son, my husband now, would be of the same Nature.

Our marriage was delayed for about a year and a half after that proposal. Within that span of time, I spoke to my Fiance several times, but speaking in the dead of night, which was when he wanted to speak, bothered me and I voiced it to him. He never truly understood that Shaytaan Inhabits the minds of Non-Mehram especially in the dead of night. I refused many times to go on "dates" with him, for I did not like that. However, he was well spoken and always respected me, and had good values and morals.

His parents claimed he was going to law school and had a decent job. "Established" was the word they used. He is also 8 years my senior. He and his parents also informed me he was well learned in the Deen, because he went to Jordan for a year to study Islam.

His family told me and my family that they were well off financially and would guarantee my comfort, for all of what was theirs was their sons and in turn would be mine.

I was wholefully satisfied with mine and my parents decision.

My Nikkah was held at the end of Dec, 2015 and we were married and things started "changing" from there. I mean "changing" because what was promised and told to me wasnt true at all.

He didnt have a decent job and didnt complete his education. He was ill mannered with his parents and never participated in the Deen. He has never lead me in prayer even though I encouraged him to. He didnt go to Jordan for a year, he went for 3 months. His parents paid all of his expenses. He expected me to not meet my parents or family because "I was married now".
He also smokes Weed/Marijuana very frequently with his friends and on his own. Even though i have confronted him about this countless times, explained to him that his will hurt our marriage and it takes away all Baraqah, he didnt listen.

When I would be upset about his drug habits and catching him in the act, he would swear by Allah he wouldnt touch it again. But I just kept finding out he was smoking.

I've given him ultamatums but he turns it around on me and says if i tell anyone it is ME who will ruin our marraige.

I've asked him to go to Islamic Counselling, but he refuses to do so or he says yes to placate me and never ends up going.

I am now expecting our first child, and he has yet to provide me with anything financially. My parents always send me money in case i am in need. That is what i have been living off of.

My in laws have turned a blind eye to everything, they do not know about his durg habits but they know he is lazy when it comes to work and would rather spend time with friends than with family and wife. They know we are struggling financially but they insisted on us moving on our own and told us they couldnt help anymore.

I am unable to work now, due to pregnancy and how it has been affecting me.

I have no idea what to do. I do not trust him, and his being away from the deen really upsets me. Its hard to have respect for someone who doesnt provide for me or take into account that i can pregnant and need emotional and physical support. He always lied about him smoking weed until I caught him with msges to his friends.

It is very hard to trust him and look at him in a loving way. I am constantly depressed and upset and worried for mine and my baby's future.

I speak nicely or if i yell, everything is always my fault or i have no patience or i am overly emotional he says.

Please advise me as to what to do.

JazKH.

Fatima

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3 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    It sounds like you need to divorce this man. He isn't at all what his parents think he is and he is unable to support you. It may be difficult being a single mom but if that's better than being with this man then you should probably do that.

  2. Asalaam alaikum, Why havent you told his family? for one they promised you one thing and he seems quite the other, secondly he disobeys Allah, disrespects you and says you will be ruining the marriage and he gets to keep having this drug while you are left to bear it? you should be telling his parents so they see him for what he truly is, maybe they will support you maybe not, but if he is acting like a child, treat him like one, they deserve to know the nonsense he is putting you through. I would get counselling for myself so an islamic counsellor could guide you on whats best for you. inform your parents in a way so that they can support you during this time and so they know what is happening also. I would pray istikhara and see if it is worth it to stay in this marriage or stay with my family so he knows you are serious about his need for change and would not go back until he makes some positive actions to do so (remember actions not words, some men are good at just saying what you want to hear then never doing it). you are not 'ruining the marriage' he is ruining the marriage by his actions and then blackmailing and guilt tripping you to feel bad about speaking up. he has failed his islamic obligations towards you, make lots of dua and ask Allah to open doors for you. He can create change in hearts and in sha Allah create a change in your husband but something needs to change.

  3. Honestly, I would concentrate on yourself, your deen, and and your child. You can find some work from home to support yourself and your baby, increase your ibada, become closer to Allah.

    I understand that when we (women) get married, we usually want a strong man who will guide us in our deen and in life as our provider and protector. But sometimes, when we don't get exactly what we want, the behavior of our spouse and the disappointment affects our worship of Allah. Our iman decreases. So, first and foremost, become strong in your faith. If you want a spouse with strong iman, you must have strong unrelenting iman. He's away from the deen shouldn't affect your deen because you will both stand before Allah alone. I mean, we obviously care for our spouses, and you must care for him because his deen stresses you out. But these are times were you must hold firm in your deen the most.

    Now, with the smoking marijuana, this is most likely the cause of his moodiness and laziness. Marijuana is a relaxant, he's kept it up because it makes him relieve stress and it's now to a point where he cannot cope without smoking. You can usually tell when a person like this is high, because there will be extreme mood changes. When they aren't high then they are irritable, on edge, paranoid even. I know a lot of people like this and too many Muslims like this. He has a problem, this isn't him going against you or Allah swt because he wants to be bad. He has a problem but he needs to accept that he has a problem on his own. For himself and for Allah.

    In general, men don't know how to cope with strong emotions from their spouses especially if he doesn't know how to deal with his own. So, for you, I suggest you just don't argue with him about it because you will only become stressed and emotional and then it will affect your health and your baby's health. He knows you have a problem with it, now it's time to put your emotion aside. Don't go thru his phone anymore, don't bring it up anymore. When you feel that you are being affected, do dhikr. It helps so much. "Stay in your lane." Do what you need to for you and your baby. Show him you are a strong individual. Don't put up with his mess, and I don't mean confront him, I mean if he knows you don't approve and he's being a jerk about it then go to your parents. Or, his parents. Leave, ignore him, don't fuel the fire with argument. Because if you argue and you give him an ultimatum and you don't follow up then he's being conditioned now to think you're just talk and he can get away with it a little longer. And this takes time to work on and for him to see.

    Now, you said it's hard to be loving to him. But maybe he needs unrelenting love and understanding right now. Maybe you yell and argue with each other because of the same things over. But Is he abusing you? Is there no affection? Was there never affection? No love or care at all? His deen aside, does he have no redeeming qualities? Potential?

    In the end, it's the shaitan that want to break up marriages. Divorce is thrown around so easily now. And you've only been married a short time. Don't doubt that Allah swt can change things around. I've been in a similar situation and I had to stop pointing at my husbands flaws and really look at my worship. I had put all my energy in judging my husband and being upset that he wasn't a model Muslim husband, my own religion had suffered. My husband is a good man in his heart and has made strides in his life since we got married, he sometimes does things that I really don't approve of. But in the end, I will be alone in the grave and on judgement day.

    Hope that all made sense.

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