Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Emotional abuse, contemplation of suicide

Depression, depressed man

Assalamualaikum wa rahma tullahi wa baraktu,

My dear respected brothers and sisters, I have come with a very important problem. I am a 17 year old adolescent suffering from severe depression due to my parents. Although they do not harm me, they starve me and psychologically abuse me. I have attempted suicide twice and failed, but my parents always tell me to do it. I am now wanting to move out because I am at risk for my own life.

I am with a muslim girl, but my parents do not approve of her because she is not from the same culture. Alhamdullilah she is a very steadfast muslim, but as I said previously my family does not accept her and is emotionally abusing me for it. They have abused me for other things before, but this is the point where it's driving me out of my sanity. I’m afraid if I stay at home much longer, I will end my life.

Is moving out the right option because I am saving my life? My family won't change and won't accept me- I already know that. Please brothers and sisters, advise me if I am doing the right thing, because I will marry this girl insh’Allah. If I could, I would right now. But the abuse my family is giving me is such a difficult thing to cope with, I don’t know how much more I can take. We have not done zina and will not do any of that until marriage.


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6 Responses »

  1. Well you are going to be an adult soon. Only parents with low self esteem will abuse their kids. Try to find a job so that you can survive when you move out. Thinking about suicide means you are leeting your parents "win". By getting good education and good job prove every one you can do anything without your parental support. Psychological abuse is worse then physical abuse.

  2. Asc brother.
    may Allah ease your pain and make it a means for your forgiveness.
    If its possible for you to move out then move out, work hard and get an education in sh Allah. Your parents are wrong in what they are doing so dont let them put you down . Allah has made you a strong person so keep on fighting through life and make lots of dua.

  3. As-salamu alaykum dear brother,

    First of all, do not even think of harming yourself again. You must understand that your current difficult situation is temporary. Soon enough you will be an adult and living on your own in any case. It never makes sense to contemplate a permanent, destructive approach (suicide) to a temporary problem.

    Please read my article on this website: Suicide in Islam

    It's very difficult to advise you because you have not stated specifically what sort of abuse your parents are inflicting on you. I don't mean to doubt you, but it's a reality that teenagers can be very dramatic about their home situations, and can see parents as oppressive when the parents are only trying to protect them or set behavior guidelines.

    Also, you are apparently involved in an inappropriate relationship and that is part of the problem between you and your parents. I know you said you have not committed zinaa, but what does it mean that you are "with" this girl? We do not have relationships outside of marriage in Islam.

    One thing you said concerns me deeply. You said that your parents are starving you, and that they encourage you to commit suicide. Is this literally true? That you are not getting enough to eat? Is it because of poverty, or simply abuse?

    If it's really true that your parents are abusing you in this way then I strongly encourage you to get a job and move out of the house. Find a way to take care of yourself. Everyone has a right to be safe from physical and emotional abuse.

    Be patient brother, and ask Allah for a way forward. He is Merciful and He will help you if you ask.

    Wael Editor

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    If you truly feel that your parents are abusing you physically or psychologically, then the best thing to do would be to speak to a trusted adult about what is happening - a teacher, your family doctor, an imam... They can then help you either work with your family to rebuild your relationships, or find a safe place for you to go to until things are sorted. In some countries, 17 would still be considered a child, so there are legal obligations for people to ensure your physical and emotional health are not being harmed.

    It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with the current situation, so it might help for you to speak with a counsellor - many schools will have access to counsellors, or your family doctor may be able to put you in touch with one.

    Regarding your relationship with a girl, it is not permissible for any Muslim to have a pre-marital relationship. If you truly believe that the two of you would be compatible as husband and wife, then you can contact her parents with a proposal, but any contact with non-mahram girls needs to be through appropriate Islamic channels and within Islamic limits. The two of you need to avoid further haraam contact, and to repent for what has happened between you. Culture and race don't determine who we can or can't marry - when we look for a spouse, we should look for deen and character.

    Suicide and self-harm can seem appealing in moments of crisis, but are ultimately self-destructive, and do not help resolve our problems. When you have these thoughts coming into your mind, recognise them for what they are - the whispers of shaitan - and dismiss them. Shaitan preys upon us in our moments of weakness, but our faith in Allah gives us strength to overcome the whispers. Work to strengthen your faith, through regular prayer, remembrance of Allah, and reading Quran - and tell those thoughts that they cannot harm you and you will not listen to them.

    May Allah help you and your family rebuild relationships and find new love for one another. May He guide you all to the straight path and grant you strength to ignore the whispers of shaitan.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. I got married when i was 18years its now been 16years but i have gone though all with my i have a daughter and thins just keeps getting worse,i have been sick for the last six month,and after all that we have gone though that this would happen my husband got a second wife when i couldnt even get out of bed.its been 3mon now but its gone to bad his family always telling me to get out,i spoke to him about what we should do,but all i get is words that a husband should nt say to his wife.i have no family nd he keeps telling i have no home no family no where no go. I have faith in Allah,just dont know what to do anymore should i give up on life.

    • "unlucky", don't you have anywhere you could go? A grandparent, an uncle or aunt, or even a friend who will take you in for a while? I'd like you to please log in and write your question as a separate post and give us more details, so that we can answer you better, Insha'Allah. And never consider ending your life. Who will take care of your daughter if you do that? You have an obligation to Allah, to yourself, and to your daughter.

      Wael Editor

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