My emotionally dependent mom gives me no breathing space
I am from a sub-continental family. My mom has been married to my father for close to 30 years. What I understand, throughout the marriage, my father was emotionally insensitive towards my mom. Like he never gave much attention to my mom and he was always busy with his family (like his brothers, father, mother and sisters).
Also there used to be psychological abuse towards my mom when she was a young wife. Like a typical sub-continental girl, she took all of it, never protested, and never even complained even to her parents because of three reasons:
(1) divorce is something that she simply cannot imagine,
(2) even if she were divorced, there were not much options of supporting herself, as her father and brothers would have never accepted a divorced girl and
(3) she simply did not want us (meaning her children) to grow in a broken family.
Now in all these years, the relationship between my mom and dad did not improve at all. It became worse. For the past six years, my mom and dad have not been talking to each other and they now even sleep in different rooms.
In the mean time, we grew up. Now being her eldest son, my mom has become completely dependent upon me emotionally. Like she sleeps in my room. If she wants to go to market, I take her to the market. If she goes to hospital, I take her. When I eat, I eat with her. When she talks, she talks with me.
Now, I must make it clear that I will never be able to repay the contribution of my mom in my life. Because of her sacrifice, I am where I am today.
But sometimes, I feel extremely trapped because of my mom’s dependence upon me. And by Allah, as I am writing these feelings, I am feeling guilty. I can safely bet that my mom loves me most in this world and makes her most dua for me, but as you know we can never reciprocate parental love, and thus probably I sometimes get annoyed (may Allah forgive this ungrateful slave) over her dependence.
This too much attachment has given rise to some other issues. I will give some examples here so that you can understand:
- She is now already afraid of losing me to a wife. I am 24 and she knows that she will have to marry off. Alhamdulillah, Allah has guided me and I know my duties as a son, but no matter what, her insecurity remains.
- I had some projects in my life. Like learning Arabic, doing gym, writing. But because my mom always wants to talk to me, I cannot even concentrate on any of these. Like when I am learning Arabic, she will come to me and will start talking. She said NO to gym. When I am writing, she will ask me what I am writing about. No breathing space.
- I do not mind talking with my mom, but she talks about things that I have no interest about. I grew up in a gulf country. Because of our financial situations, I have not been to my home country for 20 years! I have not even seen my aunts and uncles and grandparents. She now continuously tells me the stories of people of her village, her relatives. How can I listen to such stories and respond to them and remain interested to them when I do not even know them?
- My mom is very controlling. By Allah, Allah has protected me from fitnah like gf and such, but when I want to go out even for a walk, she will stipulate that I do not walk in any of the street except for the street that is right in front of our house. And her controlling is there in every aspect. Like when I buy cloth, it has to be according to her choice. If not, she will not say anything, but she will get hurt inside and later she will be continuous in her bickering about how the cloth that I have chosen is not perfect. So like an obedient son I buy according to her wish.
- My mom is always right. I give in most of the time smilingly because I do not want argument with her. But it really hurts sometimes when I feel that she does not even listen to my opinion.
- Since she does not talk with dad, I am always used as a middle man. She always ask me, “Ask your father this, ask your father that………..” I am used like a middle man. I come from work and she immediately tells me to call my dad and ask something (because they do not talk with each other).
- Recently my mom started crying saying I did not give her a monthly pocket money. OK that was my fault. I gave her my first salary of my life to her. Also whatever she asks I give. At this moment of my life, I have no attention to money. I am finding creating my own niche in my work very hard plus the work itself is very demanding, and if my mom asks me now to give her my whole account, I will give it without any grudge. But my mom doesn’t want money actually. She was telling me, “you are like your father…insensitive….I do not need money…if you had just given me 100 bucks without me asking you….” By Allah! I never felt so guilty in my life. For three days, I was not able to concentrate even in my salah.
- I tried to buy her an iPad so that she can read books or play with it. But she doesn’t like it. I have downloaded Islamic lectures which she likes to listen and have bought her an audio player. But it created another problem. She plays them loudly when I am learning Arabic or doing something because she wants to listen to them together.
- She is deeply religious but she worries too much about culture. She always thinks what people will think and it angers me soooooo much. As long as we please Allah and something is according to the deen, why care what others say? She understands this too but again comes back to what people will think.
I am really confused now. I get annoyed with her but next moment I feel extremely guilty. My mom game me her time when I was a baby but now I am becoming selfish. The burden of their marriage incompatibility is upon my shoulder. I think I am more individualistic where my mom grew up in a joint family. I love her too. Like when she was in her home country for a visit and I went to mall, I really missed her. And I now I think about how my life will be when I get married. How I will divide my time between my mom and my wife, given that she is so dependent upon me?
- Muslimboy12345
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Matter is not complicated.As your mother is religious,try to explain her the true world with the help of
quran and sunnah.
Do nt get irritated,when your mother disturb you,while you are reading arabic.
You cannot repay the sufferings,which she experience till you become a man.
Try to pray night prayers.Insha Allah all will be ok very soon.
Muslimboy, As-salamu alaykum,
What has happened is simple. Your mother has turned you into a substitute husband. It's unhealthy and improper, and it's obviously making you miserable.
Yes, we owe a debt to our parents. But the degree of control that your mother has over you is improper. This is not how the parent-child relationship should be when a man reaches adulthood. You are not wholly responsible for your mother's happiness. You cannot be a substitute for your living father.
Your mother sleeps in the same bedroom with you? Brother, this is completely wrong! You should have your own room, or if that's not possible then you can make a private space in the living room. Frankly, in my opinion, you should move out of the house altogether and get your own apartment. I realize your mother would not be happy but maybe you can make an excuse and say that you need to be closer to your work, or something like that.
Also, you should seek to get married as soon as possible, and absolutely do not bring your new wife into the home with your parents or it will spell disaster for your marriage. Get a separate home for you and your wife. At that point your wife will be your primary responsibility. You can still see your parents frequently, but focus your attention on your wife.
You cannot assume sole responsibility for your mother's happiness. It's not your fault that your parents don't speak to each other. It's your mother's choice to stay in a marriage with a man she doesn't love.
And where are your siblings in this mess? Why are you the sole object of your mother's attention? Again, it indicates that your mother is treating you like a spouse rather than a son. It's wrong and unhealthy.
The answer is not to be impatient with your mother. These details like trying to learn Arabic, not being allowed to leave your street (subhanAlllah, as if you are 5 years old), not being allowed to go to the gym (?!!), these are only details. The bigger picture is that no matter what you need to get out of this home and live on your own, where you can find some measure of independence, and live as the man you are, rather than being treated as a child or a stand-in husband.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Muslimboy,
I can relate to some of what you are saying and so I will say you must push yourself to your personal limits and do things that you want to do, despite your mother's 'reaction', because if you do not, eventually your feelings will turn to 'bitterness' or you will just give up and become comfortable (but not content) at home because its the easier, less confrontational thing to do and thereby waste your life away. It seems you are the easiest for her to mould of all your siblings which is why she turns to you each time but you should not have to feel alone when you are one of many siblings, it is quite unfair.
So try small things at a time and see how this helps. Plan a day out somewhere of your choice with your friends. When you tell your mother (and tell her, do not ask her), do not show her that you are feeling guilty, as she will pick up on this and start showing her needy side even more. Be to the point, tell her where you are going and that you'll be back later. Speak to your siblings and tell them you need help in looking after your mother. Ask them to step in and give her company when you are not around.
It may seem like a huge mental block to overcome, but once you have got to the other side, i.e. you have been out, enjoyed your day, come home and dealt with your mother - you will start to feel that you are 're-gaining' or 'gaining' some personal space. You will only enjoy the day out though if you manage to 'switch off' your guilty feelings. And this is something that you need to keep training yourself on - keep saying this to yourself:
'I am not doing anything wrong by doing things the way I want. I need and want time to myself as it is making me bitter and unhappy and I do not want to be like that. I want to achieve things in life and look after my mother and I can do both, but in a healthier way. My mother has some insecurity problems, so I will help her to get help, but I refuse to be dragged down because of the situation she is in. I will be a happier and better individual and son if I step away somewhat, than if I carry on the way it is at the moment - as doing that will drain me out and break me emotionally and may even affect my emaan.'
It won't be easy and you probably will suffer from guilt trips along the way, but this the only way around changing this unhealthy relationship with your mother into a healthy one by pushing your own personal limits. Slowly, but surely, taking small steps like these will help you build a healthy gap.
***
Think of this: its like when you leave a child at school, sometimes they cry so much because they don't want you to leave and that breaks your heart. But you know you have to leave them there for their own good, so you strengthen your heart, brace yourself, push back your tears, and show your child your 'strong smiling face' for encouragement and also to remind them that you are not being affected by their behaviour and you ill not back down. You leave them at school and go because you know that they will adjust and they will be ok, and they always are ok in the end. Keep doing this with your mother (whether it be on going on, moving out, having time out at home etc) and eventually it will become easier for both of you insha'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I also want to add this:
Because you are getting no breathing space, you are beginning to feel bitter about everything you are doing for your mother which is a real shame, because you are doing some really good things for her.
For example, when you take her to do her shopping and to her hospital appointments etc - this is good and InshaAllah you will be rewarded for it. But when the bitter feelings come in the way, maybe the reward goes out the window?
So try to find that balance Brother, so that you when you do spend time with your mother and you do help her, that it is done with peace in your heart and you do it with the intention of gaining reward from Allah(swt). Try to gain some control in your life, so that you are happy and not doing things because you have to, but because you want to insha'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks to all for taking time and replying to my question.
@KMM:
Even if I get annoyed, I never express it outwardly. Outwardly I always smile and pretend a fake interest to stories that my mom tells me. But then again, human beings can only pretend so much. Sometimes my mom understands that I am not listening sincerely and she tells that to me.
@ Wael:
My other brother has rebelled openly to my over-reactions and over controlling and he now does as he pleases. It hurts mum very much and I told him to be sensitive towards my mom as much as he can, but he simply does not care anymore.
Regarding marriage, yes I would definitely love to get married, but my mom thinks that boys should get married after 28 at least. Again it is her fear and insecurity. But I do not mind that either at the moment as I do not want to bring in a wife until I learn to manage the test that Allah has put over my shoulder more effectively.
Another thing is, it will be very difficult to broach the subject of leaving apart to my mom. Because the idea of living together with the son is ingrained in her mind. She even had arguments with some aunties who advocate allowing their grown-up children living apart . Inshallah if I move up in my career ladder, which I believe I will inshallah within three years, my company will provide me with a big house (two level) and living together with my mom and wife will be manageable hopefully.
@ SisterZ:
You have given a beautiful analogy. Yes, my feelings sometimes turn to bitterness, but fortunately, I forget my bitterness very quickly. Because I enjoy shopping and some other activities with my mom, the bitter feeling pops up only when I am perturbed when I am chasing something that means a lot to me (like learning Arabic).
Muslimboy, I think it's a mistake to plan for your future wife to live in the same home with you and your mother. Your mother will not give you and your wife any private time, she will attempt to control your wife as she controls you... we see it all the time here at IslamicAnswers.com and it never ends well. It would be better to have a separate home.
Anyway, that's a matter for the future Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalmualikum 🙂
May Allah find my words of good nature & make me pure of heart in my speech, Ameen!
I completely agree with this brother. Heed the advice, that would be witholding your furture wife. A mothers job was to raise her son with a father if possible to be indepedant, loving, respectful & wife a women to bear his children so he can enjoy being the head of a loving muslim family. Brother, kindly explain to her she is withholding you from you duties to Allah & she is not encouraging good relations for you to make your own choices.
Once you are married if your mother has no boundries she will sow discourse between you two & I have seen it. No women should have to fight for her husband even when his mother is concerned.
BTW! A wife is entitled to her own home & to not share her fiances with her mother in law. She has more of a right over you as she bears your children & fulfills your needs. I hope you wont do that, because thats not Islamic nor is it following the sacred agreement with Allah, Man & Women in marriage. Keep that in mind 🙂
This is not good & the fact youre the only one who has to deal with this says its really not innocent or healthy. This is why Allah almighty gave us boundries. Its no muslim parents right to force the love of their children to do bidding for them selfishly, regardless. We will all be judged, parents most of all (this notion) of children vs parents is ridiculous. Mothers are not sheilded from Allahs wrath anymore than you or I. Its life & all of us are to be delivering "glad tidings", enjoining in the good & forbidding whats evil. I know so many adults who do this & I think their just trying to keep the kids in line with the fear of Allah which in selfish ways which its used they should fear in-return.
My mother is like this is with us & my father with me. Its a sickness! Simple! I couldnt see it until my husband told me & Alhumdulilah but deep down I always knew it was wrong or felt weird. I am polite to my parents but dont see or talk to them much. Its not best now that Im an adult nor required but when I do I make sure they dont interfer with my independance, duty to Allah and ofcourse my wonderful marriage! I respect them for bearing me & passing on my faith Allah on to me & my siblings etc but the moment they do something to make me feel guilty when I have wrong non they dont hear from me until I feel up to it because I think Allah doesnt require me to be manipulated by my loved ones & I pray for them at a distance. It works for me & my siblings (I think)....love but from a distance.
We are adults, we form our own lives & our parents had us from their love not we owe them or asked for birth as its just part of life in this dunyya. So do the best you can, love her, respect her & visit when you can but otherwise stop giving her money etc its really not your place. And youre innocently playing into a marriage that involves your father, mother & Allah. Do not let her fool make you feel bad brother.
Maybe talk to your father inshallah he is sorrowful for the damage he has caused to his loved ones & maybe have a man chat with him. (Ask Allah to make him easy to talk to) then try & seek his help. Tell him its his job, he is a cause so its his responsiblity to shield you from her when shes demanding unreasonable things. If she says "Tell your father" you politely tell her his your father & that her husband he is entitled to respect & that she should not ask you to interfer with martial things. The more you place yourself inbetween them when she asks the worse their marriage will stay. Force them to talk or move out so they have no choice!
May Allah grant your soul peace & be the light at the end of the tunnel for you, Ameen.
Assalmualikum 🙂
I agree with Wael's idea that you need to get a separate dwelling for you and your wife when you are married for sure otherwise it will spell disaster for your married life. Your entry above describing your situation with your mom made me cry, because i remembered the situation i went through. My husband was in the exact situation as you and even having other siblings was always thrust forward when it came to taking responsibilities towards his mom. I lived with my mother-in-law and she literally made my life a living hell since the time i moved in with them. She constantly competed with me (although she was 40 yrs elder than me) and did everything she can possibly do to make me look bad in my husbands eyes. He would obviously believe whatever his mom said and even though he witnessed what was going on in the house, he chose to ignore it. For no apparent reason, i became her ultimate enemy. And by Allah i never stopped my husband from taking care of his mom or giving her pocket money, buying her gifts of spending time with her. But can u imagine the torment a newly wed wife had to go through? I had to sacrifice him again and again and again right after getting married...i longed to spend time with my husband, talk to him etc without him feeling guilty about it.
She continuously threatened him that if he doesnt spend time with her etc etc she will leave the house. These were of course empty threats, because where is she going to go anyways. My mother in law was a widow by the way and she was also using her most caring son as a substitute husband. By Allah i never stopped him from caring for his elderly mom but she openly stopped him from doing things for me. Although i even stopped expecting anything from my husband, such as even asking how i am feeling if i am sick..coz i knw by him even asking me will send him on a guilt trip. But she openly told him in front of me tha..."t don't do anything for her because Jannah isn't at her feet, its at my feet." I always remained silent to all her constant bickering... there is no doubt that his Jannah is at your feet but that doesn't give you the right to stop him from caring for his wife.
I wish i said all these things then so i didnt have all these builtl up anger and feelings of helplessness that i still carry around with me..coz i just feel sorry for that girl i was back then. I am sorry to say that once again if you are thinking of bringing a wife into that house it will spell disaster for you and you will intentionally ruin a girl's life by bringing her into a situation whish she has no idea about or may not understand how to deal with such complications. Please do yourself a favour and save yourself from a forseen divorce in the future.
The rights your mother has over you are very important brother - and if its too hard to leave then right now there is no need but you definietly do need to give yourself time with yourself - and this should be guilt free so please do follow sister Zs advice.
It is a very bad idea for you to live with your mum and your wife in the same house if your mother is so dependant on you and no where in Islam does it say you have to. Remember others also have rights over you too - and your wife will too. So do bear that in mind. Take a look around the site and you will see some of the problems that arise - its far better to get a house close by if you can.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I like this post and hope that after 2012, you have managed to grow boundaries. Have a happy life. My mother is like this aswell even though I am of a Christian faith. My mother is really not healthy. If I talk to her on whatsapp she will infect my mind with guilt. I hope God has an answer for me as I have tried to place boundaries, without much effect. It was my mother's upbringing and her ocd symptoms that cause this. I just don't know how people can live without boundaries.
Assalamu Alaikum,
In countries other than saudi a medicine called chicory is available.
It was discovered by Dr.Batch from UK.
It is called flower medicine.Dr.Batch has divided human characters into 37 types and prepared
medicine.
For your mother ,insha Allah chicory will work.
You can read about chicory in web sites.
Thanks for your reply.
all i want to say is how wonderful it was to read ur post ...mashallah ur a very good son n ur mom must be very proud of u ...inshallah u'll be rewarded in jannah for everything ur doing to ur mon...as u know jannah is under the feet of ur mother.
but on the other hand i understand ur frustration n lack of freedom n breathing space...and it's clear she depends on u emotionally a lot koz of the way things are with ur dad..so to her ur HER WORLD n her everything ...Bless her poor woman...i really feel for both of u...anyways...what about ur siblings? do u not have any sisters or brothers? i'm sure she feels lonely all the time n just can't wait till ur home so that she can talk to u n confide n u ...wht about other family members or family friends or neighbours...nothing? does not have nobody close by to visit n talk to....
inshallah don't worry ...u must be happy n proud of urself koz ur a very good son especially in the world we live in right now where the majority of kids are selfish n careless of what the parents go through for them.
u talk to her n win her over by doing things she likes and at the same time telling her u need ur time alone doing the things u like doing n learning Arabic as well...and when u think about marriage u need to speak to ur future wife about ur mom ...some women will agree n understand the situation n try their best for their husbands....while others won't n will want to live on their own...inshallah it'll all be good.just create this space thing little by little so that she gets used to the idea of u being away slowly slowly koz i can imagine it'll hurt her a lot if she knows she can't depend on u anymore.
good luck to the best son ever.
Salaam Muslim Boy,
I have been where you are now, and I completely understand the situation that you are in. However, Wael and Sister Z are right: this is incredibly unhealthy for you and for your mother and the whole situation is one of co dependence, which leads to problems later on when you have to form real, healthy relationships with other people (such as friends, wife, children and so on).
I am sure your mother is not doing it on purpose,she needs to learn how to be happy on her own. It matters not how much you give and how much you sacrifice: it will never be sufficient. Your attention and self sacrifice is like a drug to her now and she is addicted to it because it is a replacement for what is missing in her life and in her self (self worth, self esteem, company, friendship etc etc). Like any addict, she will demonstrate withdrawal behaviours when the drug is threatened, and she will need more and more of it as time goes on and we can see this in the increase in her closeness and dependence to you.
As the codependent in the relationship, you feel that by satisfying her need that she will be satisfied and you will be able to then leave her for a bit and live your life - not realising at all, that the nature of such a drug as your undivided attention is such that the more you give it, the more the taker wants it / needs it. This is fostering this relationship and is the foundation of this relationship.
Now you are at the stage where you are experiencing major energy drain as a result of it - because undivided attention is such a massive act of giving. She is now addicted to what you are giving and you are feeling guilt over withdrawing this - seeing the impact and importance that it now has on both of your lives.
If you continue on in this way, there will be no happiness for either of you because one who is dependent on another for happiness and self worth will never be secure or happy. You will resent her for the level of giving she needs from you and she will resent you (out of her dependence on you) and feel very insecure.
In order to start fostering a healthier relationship you must begin to create emotional distance and stop sacrificing your needs. Your needs are normal needs: a life, freedom, relationships, the right to make your own decisions and so on. At first this will be difficult because you are literally changing the habit of a lifetime, you will have to battle your guilt (which has been conditioned into you) and she will have to battle with the sense of withdrawal from this drug that you are giving her - however over time, you will both be healthier and happier for it.
As Wael as already said, I think moving out is a very positive and healthy first step as this will give you the physical space to maintain your stance, and restrict the level of interaction. It will feel cruel to you and she will demonstrate strong withdrawal behaviours - however over time, it will lead to a healthier relationship between the two of you: she will be able to identify the missing things in her life and find a way to fulfil her needs, and you will gain emotional freedom which will allow you to have a happier, healthier life.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
dear brother,
aslamalaikum,
i am in a situation like yours. my mom and dad never had a real relationship. she started to sleep in her childrens room( we were young then, ) . my mom like your's has sacrificed her life for us. alhamdullilah we all are successful in our careers due to my mothers efforts , we all know we cant thank her enough.
i am 36 yrs, a women, a very busy work schedule and live on my own , my brothers live in another country, they are not married, they have a very busy work schedule as well. my other sister is married and kids lives in a another country. so mom takes turn to be with kids. my father is not alive. we all love her but she expects that what she has missed in her life( which is a lot) her kids will fulfill it. we try like you a lot to keep her happy.
sometimes when i come back from work , iam tired, i am hungry, iam in my own world, what relaxes me is listening to few islamic lectures , quranic recitation, coming on to this website , this is what i do for the whole year when she is not with me and she is visiting other kids , when she comes she wants my attention, which has been consumed on a 13 hr shift, she sees TV programmes which are of no interest to me, if i change the channel she makes faces which makes me feel bad that iam imposing myself on her.
my brothers had a similar problem, iam a woman so it wasnt so bad , they are boys so i guess they found chatting about other peoples kids etc very boring . any way, one of my brothers then tried to to wean her off us ad make her bit independant . firstly my brother took her to gym with him( mind you she has never been to gym and is is not fitness conscious) , i think it was more that her son is taking her with him that persuaded her to go. he got her into simple yoga clasees , i remember she phoned me from US (iam in another country ) saying that her sons have chaanged so much that now their mother is becoming a burden on them etc, she was crying, saying she wants to leave as soon as, anyway over a months time she made some friends at the gym and started to enjoy it! then a month later a phone came from her...she is going to market herself to buy to do groceries. my brother would give her a task each day , like i want to eat potatoes today ,do you mind going to market and get them and when he would come home , he would praise her for being so confident. and i would call from here to do the same. now she goes to market herself and does shopping herself. she used to do all the clothes shopping for us previously slowly we introduced this idea that we are fashion conscious now, i used say that i know what you have chosen is sooooo good but at work place people dont like it or evryones wears different kind of clothes so i have to be like them ( these are all lies). then i would choose 2 shirts and ask her which one she likes and then buy that one. i usually give her a task like ....give her something to post , this way she will think she is doing a favour to you and helping you but actually she is becoming bit independant. you can slo find some interesting classes for her. like baking classes, handicraft classes etc.
for TV i have asked her if i can watch between 8-9 pm as my favourite programme comes then, this way she is becmoming interested in thisislamic programme. in return she gets to see all her soaps after that for 3 hrs, i usually at that time sit in the same room with my lap top with my earphones listening to the islamic talks etc.
i completely understand your problem and situation. there was similar problems with money. these silly dads we inheret, leave so much for us to sort out !!!!
i think leaving your mom on her own and moving to another home is not a good idea. all her hopes are in you and crushing her hopes like t his is i think a bit cruel. i will never suggest you that, the guilt will kill you.you want a little space for yourself , you dont want to abandon her. if you have a sister than please take her help usually mom and daughter bond well and good at chatting etc.
when it comes to marriage , hopefully situation would have eased a bit. and she would get used to the idea of being on her own and you having a life of your own. you can explain to your wife to be that your mom expects more of you and that you will need her help in mainting balance. it will be a good idea to speak about this matter to the potential girl before hand. if a man approach me with a situation like yours , i know i will be understanding , so iam sure there are girls out there who will too. i know one friend of mine ,her mother in law is similar, her husband has to book a flight along with his mom to even go to another city just toaccompany her as she refuses to do things independantly. this friend of mine is a professional and has a very busy schedule, has a kid but she is very understanding of the situation , she doesnt like it but understands it.so there are girls who would understand your situation.
my dear brother, we wish that our situation wasnt like this but it is ! Allah is keeping a note of all what we are doing for our parents and inshallah he will not only make it easy for us but also reward us.
if i could be of any further help , please let me know.
takecare my brother. lots of duas for you.
Thank you Leyla and Friend for responding.
I agree with Friend. It would be simply too harsh to move out from the house, and no matter what, I will not be able to do right now. Unfortunately I have no sister. So at the moment, I am just trying to be the best son and also enjoy my life.
I agree 100%. When I come from work, I also feel relaxed writing and just being alone. But then again, even after work when our parents (or spouse for those who are married) demand attention, we should as sympathetic and accommodating as possible. There is a reason why the Messenger of Allah (S) said, "The best one of you is the best to his family, and I am the best one of you to my family."
Allahul musta'an.
I agree Brother. It is not always the right thing to just get up and move out straightaway. Your mother feels very insecure, so be easy on her but look after yourself too. At the same time, try to get her involved in activities she enjoys so she can build a network of friends too. As when you do get married, it will not be a healthy or fair environment for your wife to live in and will most likely have a negative impact on your marriage. It may work for a while if your wife is highly submissive, but it still will not be fair on her and will eventually take its toll on her too and your children. I've seen it all before.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear brother,
aslamalaikum,
i try to give proper attention to my mom, as i know that all day what she has been doing is to wait for me to come back.i feel so bad when iam thinking she is in someway taking up my time. who else is there to give this time to! , and who else is waiting with so much love for me! when she is not arround i miss her as well and keep phoning her all the time just to speak to her. what i do now is to saty quiet if i feel irritable so that i dont hurt her by my words. i make extra effort to talk to her about her interests. i know someone who had moved out of house after marriage and kept visiting mom very often and the wife got very irritated by it , there were other things not working out in their marriage and now they are divorced. so be careful if you decide to move out.
we just have to keep trying to be the best we can, when i read the 'the best of you in the one who is the best to family ' i also thought the same that it is difficult to be good to your immediate family and hence so much emphasis on family ties. at work iam this very chatty , friendly person but as soon as i come home it seems as if i change into this inconsiderate person towards my mom.
May Allah help us to keep our families happy and proud of us. ameen
Assalmualikum Brother, May Allah make my advice sincere & pure of heart always, Ameen. I read your post & felt compelled to write (I read only). Brother, This is not Islam. We are taught quite often & brainwashed it seems in many cases that disobeying parents is our downfall. While that may be true for good parents, that are kind & do their jobs with noble resposiblity its hard as humans by nature can be selfish. Respect your mother but you have a father also who is being neglected & how do you expect her to ever fix her issues with him if youre playing "model husband"? I wont say its haram but its borderline sexual predator behaviour (please no offense) & Islam forbids relationships that cross innocent bounds. But its common & I have been close to victim, but Alhumdulilah I removed myself. Its not youre place to be such a support for your mother in such an intimate way, nor is it modest as a mother to burden her adult son to sleep in the same room. i believe theres an Ayat in Al-Quran about parents refusing entry to children to enter their rooms as they please, the same can be said to a parent of the same or opposite sex of a parent with their children once they hit puberty! Islam is about "Moderation" & modesty when dealing with our fellow man regardless of blood. You have done more than your bit & Brother Wael is right. Youre only making excuses from guilt & mental controls from your mother. What if youre what stops her from fulfilling her duty to her Husband (your father)? Thought about that? because they are still married & thats his wife & her priority is her husband & as your all adults thats goes without saying. She may have given you alot brother but she made a pact with Allah in marriage one which she is not doing alot to work on. Im not saying your father is innocent but we as children of our parents dont have the right to take complete sides between them despite a mothers rights. Please brother MOVE OUT! Its unhealthy you'll have a hard time loving your wife & keeping your mother happy. Youre a MAN (Mashallah) dont be a boy & sit in your fathers house catering for your mother & say its for the sake of Allah- thats an insult! You have to live, you are slave to no one but Allah & he gave your mother the right to bear you, she didnt create you. Allah the most loving & seer of all HE understands what we no not dont forget that it is Allah who gives us mercy for all things so I dont think your doomed. 😀 Take time our for your, sort through the emotional bonds that have held you & free yourself. Your brother is smart & does not have to be patient. Simple, people should behave regardless, others shouldnt have to be burdened to patient when sometimes those peoples actions create anger & in that behaviour they encourage sin. Your mother is wrong! She should not hold you children ransome for Dua etc.
Remember too, when the shatian doesnt win with evil he wins with good. He will make you pre-occupied while you forget your duties to Allah the MOST beautiful! Half your religious duty is to find an amazing mate who worships Allah the MOST and only Divine. If your mother interfers with those things you are to disobey.
I pray for your brother, dont hate me I mean you no harm it just is close to home for me & you should be careful. Inshallah you will find a great wife & your parents patch things up. And if not I pray that your mother gains the fruits of paradise for her suffering. Dont fear where you think she is alone, she has Allah (SWT) He can provide for her more than you ever could. Look after yourself first then you'll be a good muslim in so many other ways 🙂
Sorry its long 😛 I hope some of the things I said help if not all.
May Allah guide the muslims who love him & fear his greatness to Jannah! Ameen!
Assalamualikum 🙂
Sorry I meant *pray for you brother! 🙂
Your mom is abusing you emotionally and needs to understand that you have a life.
The prophet PBUH lost his parents very young and was raised by his uncle's family and was nursed by another woman,when she grew old, he helped her enough to help herself.
It is all about balance, you have to understand that your responsibility is to provide for her if no one can but not to replace your father or her parent's job.
Respect , balance and unconditional love not self abusive love.
It's been quite long since the original questions was posted. I hope thing have improved for the Muslimboy12345.
I'm in almost the same situation as him and this is the situation with sub-continental families with their version of Islam - where parents talk about their own rights and don't give a crap about kids rights. I'm 34 and I have lived with my parents all my life - I didn't even let go to other city for education or work.
This situation has effect me a lot - I have poor decision power, I'm emotional and I'm tired off everybody.
Now 1 step further I've got married and bought a house and now my parents live with me. I have 6 siblings but I'm the only one stuck with this situation where parents are so controlling that they ask me what to buy where to spend money and etc. I can't even take my wife out on a dinner with their annoying looks + I have 2 kids now and I can't buy them stuff and my mother would impose used stuff from Goodwill etc.
My parents are always complaining about the food my wife cooks - which tastes fine to me. They constantly busy talking to my other siblings and telling them how bad I have become. I'm at this point where I don't like anybody anymore, not even my wife because of constant conflicts I'm getting pulled into. When I bought this house I even put my father's name in the title to protect their rights in case something happens to me - but that has cause another blackmailing situation where they own half of the property.
I have so much time with my parents and scarified so many things I might have done or earned without being stapled to them – but they don’t care, they say if you wanted you could've, nobody stopped you…seriously, how can parents be so cruel.
Note to self – move my kids out of my place as soon as they get their first job.
@Muslimboy12345 :
My brother in Islam keep trying and trying your best to reconcile between your parents. Make your best effort. This way inshaAllah your problem can be solved.
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!