Emotionally pressured into marrying one guy but have feelings for another!
Asalamualaikum,
I don't know where to start. Here goes, I got married a few months back in Pakistan within the family. As you've probably figured it was an arranged marriage. At the time of my engagement I had mixed feelings as to whether to go ahead and agree to marry this guy as I had feelings for someone else. I couldn't tell my family about this person (the one I had feelings for) as I knew they would never accept him due to him not being the same background as me and etc.
A religious scholar did an istakhara for me and it apparently turned out really good so I went ahead and agreed despite my mixed thoughts. My father wasn't to happy with the situation so he sat me down and told me to think properly as he ddnt want me blaming him in the near future if things were to go pear shaped. All the same I went ahead and married him. Every time I would start to have doubts I'd think of the istakhara.
Now I'm married and still not happy, I stayed in Pakistan for a few months but didnt really get anywhere. My husband is extremely nice and caring and looked after me well but I just don't like him. At times I even hated him. We didnt have any form of a sexual relationship and he was still patient.
Now I'm in the UK and when he calls me I try to think of an excuse to get off the phone and at times even ignore his calls. I've become rather close to a male friend and started to develop strong feelings for him. My mum and aunt discovered I was talking to other males and had words with me. I promised them I wouldn't do it again but I just can't stay away.
I'm too scared to tell them this as I'd be looked down at by family members and I don't want to hurt my dad. What shall I do?! If I leave my husband, will I ever actually be happy?! Theres just so many 'IFS and BUTs', I'm just really confused! Please please do dua for me if you read this.
Jzk x
~LadyxAY
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Salam.. when I read your question post, I was kind of surprised that you did Not do the solah istikharah by yourself. Why didn't you do it? Don't you believe in it? Or do you think you are not Religious enough to get the answer from Allah? Sister, everyone can do it, and if you put a 100% hopes and expectations that Allah Will give you the answer, He will.. I suggest after you finish reading my post you will istighfar, go take wudhu' and do the solah yourself. It's not too late, it's never too late until you stop breathing.
Do you realise that you are a married woman, one that Has to be loyal to her husband? How are you going to please Allah if you are disloyal to your husband? I pitied your husband, seems like he is a nice man, he treats you well, care and love for you, as a husband should. Do you think you have fulfilled your responsibilities as his wife? Repent to Allah sister. Open your eyes and heart for this man. Try to accept him for what he is, all the bad and good of him. Nobody is perfect. Nor you, or even me myself. What is it about this man which made you don't like him so much that you refused to give him a chance? If you don't like him, why did you agree to marry with him in the first place? Can he lead you to Jannah? I think this is the most important point here, for each who lives, will surely taste death, and this life is just a blink of an eye. My professor told me once that we do everything to please Allah, so think, what you're doing now, to yourself, to your husband, and your family, is it Fair?
About the other guy whom you are starting to get close with, don't do it sister, you know it is wrong, firstly, there is no such thing as pre-marital relationship between women and men is Islam, and secondly, you are a married woman, whom her husband loves. So please repent to Allah. Allah is Most Merciful. He will accept you back. Next, please open your heart for your husband. He did nothing sinful. You should apologize to him and pleases him, for that is your duty as a Muslim wife.
Allah knows best
Mira91, thank you for mentioning the Istikhara Salaah. I totally forgot.
You are right, LadyxAy should have performed Istikhara herself based on the information she had infront of her.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Kudos to what you said sister Mira91, I feel sorry for her husband who seems like a genuine, caring, loving husband and a friend. I hope sister that you realize what you are doing is wrong and was wrong before marriage; you need to understand the difference between the lust and love. Also, their is a difference between living with someone (as a husband) and being in pre-marital relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend). Come clean before it's too late; if this other guy is serious about marrying you then speak to you parents and divorce your husband so that he can marry someone who will value him.
I so badly wish that if governments in Western countries would BAN such marriages, it's not fair for women in West and East as well.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com.
LadyxAy, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in. Unfortunately it is an increasingly common one, may Allah(swt) remove this fitnah from our Ummah, aameen. I understand that you may have felt emotionally pressured into marrying the man of your parent's choice, but Sister, from what you have explained, your parents did not seem to be as 'bad' as many others. Your father gave you a door by which to walk free. Pressure is never the right reason to marry someone, neither is: 'not being able to tell you father about the one you do want to marry,' the right reason to marry 'just any' other one.
Oh Allah, I really wish the parents of our Ummah would not sever the lines of communication with their children. I wish the parents of our Ummah would be best friends to their children, so they can come and discuss such matters as these with them openly, hence avoiding such heartbreaking issues. And I wish that if such communication issues were present, that the children of our Ummah would be strong enough to speak up and not cave in through fear or emotional pressure. Ya Allah; when will this recurring fitnah leave our Ummah? When will that time come when our parents will allow their children to discuss matters of the heart easily with them, so they are not driven to make bad choices? I have dealt with this situation so many times, that it brings tears to my eyes and a very heavy heart!
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Now though that you have got married, we need to find a way to help you resolve matters before you make any further mistakes. First things first Sister - stop seeing this 'third' guy immediately, even if you are just talking. You already have a situation on your hands, so why do you want to muddle it even more by bringing in a third person? And whether you like to admit to it or not, you are cheating on your husband, yes. You are sinning and before you know it, you will have gone even further down. Please read this: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/
Also, Jabir reported that he heard Allah’s Apostle(sws) as saying: 'Every servant would be raised (in the same very state) in which he dies.' {Book 040, Chapter 19, Number 6878 : Sahih Muslim} So ask yourself, how do you want to be raised? As a potential aduterer? No, I don't think so - henceforth rectify yourself.
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So remove the 3rd person from the scene and deal with that which is before you. Everything aside - you say yourself that your husband is a nice person, right? So give it a go, but you will have to open your heart to trying otherwise you have no chance. Maybe it will be easier for you to go to Pakistan and spend time with him. Go out with your husband as though you are courting and see if a spark can ignite between the two of you. If still nothing improves, or if still you cannot open your heart to this matter, then sister its time to be honest and speak to your father, because not only are you wasting your own life, you are lying to your innocent husband, not to mention you parents and also highly disobeying Allah. Delaying things will cause only further grief. You don't want to end up in a situation where you commit adultery and spoil your character and sanity. Do the right thing now, either by giving you marriage a go, or by confessing to your father and moving on through halaal means, even if that means divorce.
May Allah make things easy for you.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-Alaikum,
SisterZ I think poster's parents are not to blame here. What else her father could do. I think its wrong to blame them here. I hope you realize for parents finding a suitable partner for their daughter is one of the toughest things in their life and on bhealf of sister's father, what else he could do except sitting with his daughter and telling her that her decision is the final decision. I think the title of the post "emotionally pressured" does not match the content of the question.
I think its simple sister LadyxAY you are being ungrateful to Allah(s.w.t.) for providing you with a good husband. As other posters have said you are married now you should realise this and be faithful to your husband. If you think you cannot live without the third man than leave your husband and go marry with the third guy. But don't cheat on your husband.
Also, sister I salute your father for sitting with you and supporting you. I hope you realize that for a good father worst thing he can do to his daughter is put her for her whole life with a man she does not want to be with. From what you have written in the post, it was your decision not an emotionally pressured situation. I apologise if I have hurt you in anyway but I wanted to talk straight.
May Allah help you make right decisions which are best for you in this world and hereafter.
Concerned,
I get what you're saying and I think you are right about the title. I will change that inshaAllah.. But at the same time, many parents from the Indian sub continent fail to create an environment in which they children can speak openly with them. Its a common occurence.
There are major communication problems between parents and children in our Ummah, we need to admit this, otherwise we have no hope for improvement.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ,
Yes, communication issues must be resolved and you are right they are a problem, specially in families from subcontinent, but I humbly think they are not relevant in this case.
regards,
There's no communication problems at all.
The father sat her down and asked her, she had her opportuinity to say no, but she didn;'t and now she wants out.
Your husband deserves better than you. He deserves a loyal, caring and understandin g wife.
I mean think for a moment, your husband unlike many others out there, even showed patience when it came to your intimate life, that's how caring he is.
If you've any common sense, you'll see that he is a good husband and you'll be happiest with him if you try to let it happen, otherwise divorce him and let him marry one of those millions of single women who are dying for a man like him.
yes John, well said.
You know , everything which goes around , comes around .
The way you are treating your husband is disgusting . I don't know how he would feel once he finds out about his disloyal , uncaring wife . Whatever the case might be , but do remember that when you do something bad , you will always have to pay for it in severe terms .
I
Hi it's really sad what your going through but u have to give your self a reality check! Your married now from wha you have said your husband sounds like he's making a genuine effort with you and trying to make a go of your marriage! Yet ur pushing him away as u have neve accepted this marriage or man as your husband from the start! You really need to thnk carefully if a man is loving caring kind towards you, why isn't that making you happy? What do you want if you leave him do you think you will get something better? Is hard to accept a marriage especially as you had thoughts and feelings for someone else but now your married make it work with your husband! Try from the heart give him your time get to know him... Then if it doesn't work you don't share common grounds he you both don't connect then you can flaw based in facts. But if your not trying then what's the point running out of it at least show Allah you have made an effort! Marriage is not a game or a joke your playing with your life and many people will be hurt by ur actions especially if your mum has told you to stay away from the other guys... Make a genuine effort with your husband you never know it might be one you won't live to regret!!!!
Hi, yes correct advice given here. But it is hard on someone that is going through this as no1 wants to upset there parents, but communication is lacking esp with the culture clash, therefore evn though the choices seem like the right ones sometimes the communication barrier let's u down, especially wen u are brought up in a western country. Parents only do wat they think will make you happy and it this case you was openly asked to make a decision. If you feel no connection with your husband then may be you should talk to your parents it will break there heart but it may help you move on and ask God 4 forgiveness, and if you have someone else in mind that you feel you are more compatable marry the. Or if you feel there is any sort of love 4 ur husband make the marriage work. After all only u know what u would want may God give you guidance at this hard time.
Give your husband a chance. Poor guy, it seems as if he is trying so hard! It is hard to find a loving, caring man, and you've got one!! Many girls would be so jealous of you! There are so many unmarried girls fighting for a nice, decent guy, and you didn't even have to fight for him. Open up your heart to him, trust me, the love will develop over time.