Islamic marriage advice and family advice

End of the relationship but seems no way out

Dear All,

I am a 29 years old female, I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost 6 years. I met him at work and we became good friends and then we got closer. He was then engaged to someone but he did not disclose all this until 4 months later I saw her messages in his phone and he then explained that his family did all this and he's not into her. I told him I am ok to leave since I don't want to hurt the girl but he asked me to stay and he spoke to his family and called off that engagement. Time went by and then after a year and half his parents came to see me however, they did not agree for our marriage. He kept saying he will convince them and he's trying so in the meantime I kept refusing other proposals. We were somewhat physical as well and everyone in our circle knew we were committed. Whenever, I'd ask him to take a stand he would say he cannot hurt his parents by leaving home and he would try to avoid this topic. After trying for 3 yrs to convince his parents, he came to our home with his friends and spoke to my father and uncles to let him marry me on his own which the refused to because they wanted his family to be a part of this marriage so that everything is done in a respectful way.He would always say I make mess of everything. I was already regretting to death for being physical to him and I was seeking forgiveness everyday.

Later on, my father told him to bring his elder brother or other family members if not his parents but he could not do this either. Our arguments were increasing day by day and I told him that I would not meet him until I have a legal status in his life. Then I started to realise that his behavior was changing. He was trying to avoid me and he would distract himself with other things. Until one day I found out from someone that he got engaged to someone else and I was almost dead inside because only 2 days before this news, he told me he loves me a lot and he wanted to see me. I told the girl about myself but she said forget him he doesn't belong to you anymore. when I asked him, first he denied and then he did not discuss or clarify anything, rather he said you have been trying to distant from me and then he never talked to me. He was the only guy I always thought about and he used to call me his wife. I could read each and every expression on his face and I supported him a lot through everything in his life. But he discarded me within a couple of days without any explanation and seized contact with me. He used to lie about many things before (he did drink at times which he tried to hide from me) and usually Allah would show me those things in a way or another and then he would apologize and I have always had a big heart for him. I always forgave him after exploding my anger.

It's been a week and I still wait for him to show up and tell me that he will fix the things and won't leave me. I am still stuck there and I can't believe how everything has happened and how he discarded me so easily. Ever since I realized about my sins (few months ago) I have been seeking forgiveness and I am practicing prayers and Tilawat with tafseer. I have cried in sujood to seek forgiveness and peace and I know that Almighty has forgiven me which is the reason He gave me enough strength to pray and quit sins and I feel the peace in my heart. But I don't know how to forget him as he was the only man I always pictured in my life and I don't know how I would get along with someone else (when my parents will find a suitable match as they are looking for proposals). I cannot accept that he has literally left me (whereas he always promised he would never do this) and he's getting married to someone else some time in next year. I do not want to deceive any other man as I have already lost myself to him and I pray to Allah everyday to give him back to me in a way that is better for us in this life and hereafter. I need your suggestions and prayers as my instinct still says that he will come back and I don't know how to move on!

Please help me!

AWH

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18 Responses »

  1. Take the hint

    the boy was stringing you along

    he only kept you because you made is ego feel good

    he only said he loved you because you made him feel good about himself

    in the most selfish way in respect to him

    there's nothing wrong with you

    you deserve so much better

    it took you over three years to try
    and persuade him to get you to stay with you

    and he still keeps jumping back and forth to different girls

    that's telling you that he's no good for you

    he's a flirt
    he likes stringing multiple girls along

    it makes him feel that he's a super catch

    when he is just an actual loser

    cut him out of your life

    make no contact with him

    and accept the proposals that come to you from someone else

    if he really loves you he would have stood up for you

    but he's just wasting your time

    and feeding his ego

    it's all about ego

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

  2. Assalamualaikum sister when i was reading your post i felt this was all same exactly hpnd with me but difference is i was engaged to him and i too was thinking same as you are doing now but trust me when u move out of such torture you will realize down after a year that u are wasting your time and energy thinking about such people who don't deserve you ...i am married now and ALHUMDULILAH allah has blessed me with with very caring husband and i realize now why it dint work with him and i am thankful for Not marrying that guy who had lied , and cheted other girls Astaqfirullah which i was never aware of i never met him it was arranged but his all evil acts were exposed to me i dont know how but it was blessing ,ALLAH KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR US ,Move on and always remember Good women is only for good man you are pure and you deserve pure so restart ur life and Move on .................

    jazakallahukhair

  3. http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/profile/37076 When you have only experienced love for one man, it seems impossible to move on, as if there is no way of finding love in any other man. I know this feeling because I have dealt with it before, the thought of not having him in your life makes you feel as if life would be meaningless. You seem like an amazingly loyal woman with very strong faith, and even though the world isn't on your side right now, remember Allah is. Allah saves pure women for pure men, so don't think that this man is the only man for you, Allah has something better planned for you, even better than the love you feel for this man. It seems impossible but trust me I've gotten over a love that I thought I could never survive. I'm
    Not perfect ether I'm still in search for a good Muslim but my mistakes had brought me back to Islam. You will find a better man and you will move on and forget him and you will feel a greater love for that man that will marry you because he chose you with no hesitation. If you remain on the right path, the path Allah has made for you, you will see clearly the plan that's written for you, because what's written for you will not put u through misery.

  4. How come you continued haraam life for 6 plus years ? Change yourself n become good Muslim first later think abt marriage .You wont become pious again in just hours after repentence .

    • Well said abc...

    • Firstly, to the admin, u shouldn't be deleting the comment that am going to make now..

      • Adil, I delete some of your comments because you sometimes attack the people who post their problems here, tell them they deserve their problems, it's all their fault, they have no brains, etc, etc. We don't need that kind of input on this website. We need people with kind hearts who can advise others with compassion and wisdom, and help guide them to a way forward. Can you do that?

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • To Mr. Wael. Sometimes we need to be harsh at times n I still stick on to my view that I shared.. U mentioned about fault.. Whose fault was it?? No I can't stand these silly girls.... May Allah bless you people with wisdom.. Wael,it's better u give your advise to her rather than me. Being admin doesn't mean that u should be only a passive listener n moderate the comments. U need to step in.

          • Adil, you say, "Sometimes we need to be harsh at times."

            One question: Was the Prophet (sws) ever harsh with the people? The answer is no. The Quran says in 3:159:

            "So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]."

            Think about this brother.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Adil and abc,

            Don't be chuffed by what you think your level of piety is, it is nothing but arrogance and pride, which is actually sinful.

            SisterZ

          • Assalaamualaykum Adil,

            The administrator of the site can choose for himself what role he wishes to play on the site...whether it is to listen, moderate, respond, edit, etc. Just like the owner of a business can choose how he wants to run it. Just some thoughts that may help put things in perspective. And Allah knows best.

            Nor

  5. Who ever Abdil is, don't listen to him, he sounds very arrogant, and unhelpful. We know what lust is and what it does but it isn't enough to keep you waiting for someone for years. You made a mistake and it's ok Allah will forgive you, and I see you have realized your mistakes, continue on the right path, trying putting Allah first that's where your love should be. In sha Allah you will be rewarded with a good man who will make you forget all the hurt. Try to find a Muslim man who puts Allah before everything, a man that will cherish you is the man who focuses on pleasing Allah. This other man that you love isn't good for you that's why Allah won't allow it to work, he's sinned with you and has lied to you. I promise you will over come this and you will love someone else but you have to push yourself to move on. Don't let this depression blind you from the amazing opportunities that come your way, you may reject a good man that will
    Marry you and make you happy because your focusing on him. Let go and trust Allah.

    • This reply is to sisterz. Just now u said, m arrogant and proud. I'd like to comment upon. I wasn't being arrogant. M just sick n tired of the stories posted here. U confused it with my pride. Now u should explain to me who was actually arrogant to the teachings of prophet pbuh when the lovers mingled, became somewhat n fully physical.... She being a Muslim was aware of her limits, still crossed. So who's arrogant? Still u would say it's me..

  6. Salam sister.This is my advice based according the correct way or methodology that we should follow..My wife is also a Sunni scholor.In general the problem with the muslims today is a lack of knowledge and practise..This is also comes by associating with pious learned muslims..Environment is very important...relationships with opposite sex is haram ..this will only causes harm in your life mentally physically spirituality. We also curse ourselves unknowingly. So why is it so hard? This only means that SALAT is no particular observing halal n haram ...EG. foods music and bad programs...If you want a happy successful life we should follow and obey the commandments of Allah and teachings of our prophet Muhammad S.a.w. .then only we will see ourselves progress...But those who choose a life of fun n games in a haram way...will never succeed despite there intelligence or wealth.Allah will fill there life with problems after problems..stress anxiety worry ..the list goes on.Solution move on..go to Sunni mosque attend programs get involved with other sisters who are serious of life and fear Allah.pray 5 times and master the etiquettes of Salah wudu etc. Read quran daily ..this is a must..SHAITAN CAN NOT COME NEAR YOU....help others...charity and most of all educate yourself Deen n duniya. .Be someone in life so you can use your wealth to help others..You will see Allah will help you.When the time is right Allah will find a match for you..You should not make this your purpose in life...Marriage is not easy as well as raising children...You must learn iman and your husband must be pious too or else you will lose..to the world of desires

  7. Assalmu Alaikum Warahmatu Allahi Wa Barakatu,

    Dear Sister, there is not a single grain of doubt that the man you loved hurt you deeply because he cheated. Can I please ask, is there anything good about a man who lies to his most beloved, breaks hearts of girls, and has caused you to turn away from Allah? There is someone out there WISHING they could be with a muslimah like you. Pay no attention to the past. It is a reference to learn from, not a residence. Yasmin Mogahed said in one of her speeches: "Look at your rearview mirror to keep track of the cars behind you, but if you stay focused on it, you won't see the cars in front and crash immediately." There is a man out there who could possibly love you even more than that man, someone who cherishes you enough and brings you CLOSER to Allah. Search yourself, not only your parents. Find someone you can love with more heart than you ever did. I hope you find the perfect man for you, Ameen.

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