Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Ending 7 year relationship for my parents sake

Disappearing love, vanishing love

Asalamulakum,

I am 25 and about 7 years ago I started talking to my mothers cousin (25 also) and we really love each other dearly. All communication was done through social media and nothing ‘haram’ was discussed or done during this time. He worked very hard to  save up around $25,000 in order to come to the UK so we could get married.

He arrived 3 weeks ago and stayed in our house for a week but even then we were very shy towards each other and never touched or even spoke in person! After he left to rent his own apartment, my mother had noticed that he would stare at me. As mothers have natural instincts, she knew that there was something between us. I denied it at first because we wanted him to settle down, find a job and then he was going to propose officially.

But I opened up and said that I was considering him as a future husband but we had not done anything haram and he hadn’t touched a single hair of mine.

My mother was furious and said that she did not want me to marry into her family and didn’t want me to be tied down the way that she way. The reasons my parents are angry and do not agree that we are a good match are as followed. I was blinded by love and did not see them before but I do agree with them...

 

1. We are of different intellect (he only studied up to high school level and I am a medical doctor)

 

2. He couldn’t even hold a smart conversation with my father and was too shy

 

3. His parents and family are not very nice people and his mother would squeeze every last penny out of her children or daughter in laws - she also has a big mouth and would shred you to pieces as she has done with her other daughters in law

 

4. He doesn’t have a future and no skills which he can use to secure a job

 

5. He is very shy for a man and my father believes that he would not be able to defend and protect his wife

 

6. Look wise we aren’t on the same level (although I’m happy with looks but I know that he isn’t attractive) and he has a medical condition that would genetically pass on to our kids

 

I feel very, very guilty that I have wasted all these years giving him false hope and making him spend all that money. I did love him despite knowing all of the above but I thought things would be okay if he came to the UK. Since my parents disapproval, I’m starting to side with them because I do not want to displease them and my feelings (100% before) is now down to 45%. But I do not know how to tell him and how to open the subject - I know that all he has is me and everything he has done is for my sake.

But I love my parents too much to not listen to them and do as they wish.

 

Do I pray that Allah will create acceptance and love for him in my parents heart?

 

Do I contact him and tell him to man up and to work on himself for a few years and then I’ll consider him again? Do I pray that he forgets me?

 

Or or do I tell him upfront that my family disprove.

 

Or do I lie and say that my father has sworn down that he will divorce my mother if I marry a relative and for their sake I can no longer continue with him.

 

Or do I tell him to back off for a while and let NSEB and QISMAT see where things lead.

 

Please help

 

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20 Responses »

  1. u know wot sister i understannd how u feel about yor parents feeling but it is wrong of u to mislead him like that u should tell him right away and stop wasting his time.wen a man get mislead like that it will change his ways in life in a bad way so i hope u breAk it to him in a unerstandable way .gud luck

  2. Slm : you are emotional and for obvious reasons your judgment would be impaired. This is not a match made in heaven but one made over the internet and your parents have valid misgivings . It is best to be upfront and tell the young man that reality dawned subsequent to his presence in your home and initiated by your parents disapproval you have decided that it is for the best that you part ways amicably and refrain from any contact. It is one of life’s lessons which he has also mutually experienced albeit from a different perspective. As you messaged via social media your response is justified should you wish to convey your resolve the same way.

  3. I agree with the advice above.

    Break it to him gently and be soft in your manner. Mention some of the reasons.
    Do not lie and say your father will dirovrce your mother if you select her relative. 1- it is a lie, a big sin which is so easy to do that we do it daily. Do *not* lie. And also you are risking your father's reputation. Word can spread like fire.

    I would definitely not mention looks and physical appearance. Understandably it will be really hurtful and painful for him. No one wants to know that the person they 'love' is so shallow that they reject them because of their looks. It can be perceived as humiliating, rude, arrogant and uncomfortable. It can affect the person' s self-confidence and self-esteem, which cause them problem for future marriage.
    A Lady I know rejected a proposal from a man- who was a colleague of mine- and told him that he was too "plain-looking" and "nerdy" that she would be embarrassed to go in public with him. (Face palm)
    The poor guy was effected so deeply that his behaviour changed completely and he gradually isolated himself from everyone and would be miserable all the time. Elhamdulilah, he found the right one eventually though!

    It's great you're asking for advice, but the best thing to do is probably istikhara - seek Allah's guidance. Perform istikhara and then make a decision.

    I also had a personal experience! Where a man approached my father about me. And his family and he were excited to meet me. They said they had heard all about me - and were hearing praises from every angle. After having a meeting with me, this was their conclusion- from the guy's mother:

    Yes, she's a very well-mannered girl with good morals and upbringing, she's very educated, she knows her deen very well. Practising Muslimah. A good cook. Understanding. Doing charity work etc.
    So they said to my father that 'your daughter is perfect, she's very beautiful BUT she is 'cat-eyed' and does not have brown eyes. They did not want grandchildren with "cat eyes" as they put it.

    Lovely people regardless of that. The potential father-in-law kept trying to convince the potential mother-in-law saying that I was a rarity and in this day and age, she will not find any daughter-in-law with good morals, manners and understanding and haya as me.
    The guy himself was very distraught. Tried convincing his Mother- even to the extent where he did research and showed his Mother that brown eyes were more 'stronger' genetically, so if Allah blessed us with children, it was more likely that they would have his gene of brown eyes rather than mine of so-called cat eyes.
    And, SubhanAllah, he requested me to wear contacts infront of his mother!
    SubhanAllah. Very jahil, ignorant - of someone who is a qualified surgeon and student of Islamic knowledge.

    It was quite baffling for me to see the reason behind the rejection, I did find it shallow - but I did appreciate their honesty.

    ...

    Please also limit your interaction with this gentleman as it is not permissible for 2 non-mehrams to be together without a third - even if you didn't do anything Haram. Still not allowed.
    It is just Shaytaan convincing you that it is ok...when it clearly isn't.

    All the best
    X

    • Selam Sister lostgirl,

      I just wanted to request you to consider some of the following thoughts that have come to my mind when reading your situation.

      I must say it is really brave of you to share your problem- and I do not intend to offend you whatsoever, only to help you look at the situation with someone else's lenses and perhaps see from another light.
      Every parent wants to find a prince for their princess- nothing less, so your parents concerns are completely valid, But id like to offer an alternative point of view;

      You say:
      2. He couldn’t even hold a smart conversation with my father and was too shy.

      -Perhaps he is worried of saying something wrong or irrelevant infront of his potential father-in-law?
      -Perhaps he was nervous?
      - Perhaps he wanted to make a good impression and not come across as outspoken (as some cultures frown at being outspoken) ?

      You say:
      3. His parents and family are not very nice people and his mother would squeeze every last penny out of her children or daughter in laws – she also has a big mouth and would shred you to pieces as she has done with her other daughters in law

      - Have you any evidence of this? Or are these rumours?
      False accusations, slandering, rumours, lying and BIG BIG sins, but we commit them so easily and so frequently that they seem minute. They're not.
      May Allah protect us and guide us from Shaytaan and his waswasa.
      - What is your source? One of the daughter-in-laws? There's always two sides.

      You say:
      4. He doesn’t have a future and no skills which he can use to secure a job

      My dear Sis, did you not consider this in the 7 years?
      - he left his country and came to your country for you, of course he wanted a future with you.

      - No skills? No future? That's a little harsh.

      I think perhaps it is a good thing that you do not want to marry him now, because who would want to live with someone who has no belief, trust or hope in you?

      5. He is very shy for a man and my father believes that he would not be able to defend and protect his wife.

      Shyness is a beautiful quality in a woman, but even more attractive in a man. That's just my opinion. You don't need to agree at all.
      But that does not mean he would not be able to defend you. Physical strength and shyness can not be measured by the same scale; as they are measures of 2 different abilities.

      I hope you make the right decision and wish Allah grants you ease in these matters.

      All the best
      X

      • Lols, that's the first time I am hearing this excuse. A potential spouse like you is a complete package yet they are giving the most ridiculous reason to reject you. I think there might be more to it than meets the eye. If you don't mind, and I have no intention to inquire further as I would not send an invitation your way, would you mind telling did her mother eventually caved in? Did they agree? Just asking this to kill my curiosity. Thanks!

        • Sure thing Sis/bro. I don’t mind telling you….

          Yeah, she did eventually say yes – after a lot of work from her husband and son.

          She was a very nice lady, a musical laugh and twinkly eyes that would put anyone in a good mood! I understand and appreciate she had her own preferences and choices for her son- which may seem strange to me but completely reasonable to her.

          But by the time they convinced her, I had to say no. Because I didn’t feel like she was accepting me fully- from the heart.

          When I found out the reason, I was in shock. I said to him that there must be another reason, that can’t seriously be the reason for saying no. Was it my height? Weight?
          I asked was it my demeanour? My background? Did she doubt my character? What was it?
          If I did something wrong, I would like to know.

          He said no- he was offended that I had to ask that. He said it was the eye colour and his family hated cat eyes.

          This is the funny part – which I constantly replay in my head. First I found it hurtful, but now I’ve learned to laugh at it.
          His Aunty (who I also met) said that my eyes could be a problem for him- because would he feel comfortable each morning to wake up next to me and see them in the morning?
          And…in the bedroom, in the dark (during intimacy,) my “snake-like” eyes would scare him! Lol.

          So I said no at the end. I did feel really bad because he worked hard to convince his Mum,
          But I couldn’t accept. Surely, whoever my other half is, he should learn to accept me and love me for who I am, not ask me to conceal my eyes with contact lenses!! Come on!
          I know that whoever he is/will be, I will give my love generously and without restrictions. My love will be free-flowing but whoever he is - wherever he is- should be deserving of it! I want to make that person feel the warmth and the pleasure of a companion, I want to experience that with them. I will accept them however they are, I know I will. But if they don’t, I don’t want a one-way thing. ❤

          • Ruby ,

            I wish you good luck . Just a realistic point which might sound negative .

            You Life and views will change after marriage .
            When sincere people in marriage are burdened with commitments all love , romance and fantasies takes back seat .

            I think a good and sincere person is required to take marriage forward successively .

            Even if you get most handsome ,rich person and enjoy sex with him regularly but if he don't take any responsibilities that marriage is most probably going to collapse .

            Most of these romance , high passionate sex , love , fun you can only find in movies and stories . In real life hardly you will get 5% of it .

          • Thank you Virtual. I don't see your comment as negative, I appreciate it- after all, you're my brother in Islam advising me. Thank you.

            Yes, I'm starting to realise that after seeing other people's problems on this site.

            I'm not after the movie life- just someone sincere and practising, someone who follows the Sunnah. That's all. Nothing more. Not wealth, not status, not looks- none of that. Just simplicity and Sunnah. That's it.
            Sure, I have ideals like he should be a gentleman, sense of humour, etc- all the little things!

            Yes, I know I may come across as naive and stupid in saying what I want, but I'm just hopeful. I have a lot of hope.

            I understand it will not be a bed of roses. And I really appreciate you telling me that.

            BarakAllah.

          • Ruby ,

            Nice to know about your thoughts .I appreciate .

            Well , i am a brother and had similar thoughts before marriage .

            After marriage i found that actually i wanted some thing more like beauty ,sexual pleasure etc etc as i thought before marriage that i am a simple person and just simple girl is enough lab lab laa.
            I think good boys/girls are copy cat of parents who might mistake themselves to be some one which parents have built the image from beginning .

            It was disappointing actually .But i didn't divorce as don't wanted to break the family as she got pregnant .
            Its mote than 10 + years and we are fine and have kids .No issues in marriage .Life moving .

            I am kind of say "if some thing is not there so its not there ,don't expect but just look at positive side and carry life" as after some time it becomes more or less normal . Even a nice food by wife can give you happiness 🙂

            But i still get thoughts that i should have waited and understood about myself as what i want from girl and then proceeded further .

            Well i don't have any more negatives in life but these thoughts can come and go .

            I felt like telling you , just identify who you are and what you want and then choose a life partner . I am telling from man's point of view and don't know women too have similar mindset ..

            I found your comments innocent so felt like telling my point .

            Good luck .

          • Thanks again, Virtual.

            I am grateful for the insight and the advice. I will definitely bear it in mind.

            I deal with divorces on a daily basis, such nasty ones that make you want to cry out of disbelief.
            And domestically abused victims, which make you ashamed of other human beings and their acts.
            I definitely have the exposure to the unfortunate aspects of marriage.
            I believe it has kind of prepared me in making me see what I should and should not do in a marriage- what I should and should not expect. I can identify the red flags. And most importantly, it's made me realise what I want and what is actually important.
            We have the Qur'an and Sunnah to tell us this and guide us. But real life experience also puts things into perspective and allows us to apply the Quran and Sunnah.

            I am glad your marriage is still going fruitful. May Allah bless you with more satisfaction and goodness in your marriage.

          • Ruby ,

            Thank you .

            From your work experience, Which is the most frequent reason for divorces among Muslims ?

          • So there are 5 routes, from the 5, in my opinion- I would say the most common routes are;

            - Behaviour (unreasonable)
            - Adultery

            Behaviour more than adultery from my experience.

            I mean behaviour covers bizarre events such as not making the dinner, not putting the cup of tea on the table, not ironing clothes, calling x number of times in a day. SubhanAllah.

          • Ruby: Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best of luck and I pray to God Almighty that you get a deserving and a pious husband.

          • Ruby ,

            Looks surprising .

            Don' know why behavioral reasons can't be fixed .

            Sad to see adultery among Muslims .Who is cheating more .husbands or wives ?

            So no difference among Muslims and non Muslims as both cheat ?

          • Selam ABC,

            You're right. Behavioural issues should be easier to fix. However, I'm on the outside looking in, so it may not be fair for me to make that statement! By the end though, I feel like I'm fully involved.

            I've figured that the key ingredients that are missing in these marriages are understanding, compromise and communication.
            That's what they normally lack.

            There is lack of communication- so they start misunderstanding one another. Sometimes a third party meddles in and ruins everything because the communication might be through them.
            In regards to compromise- no one wants to. Marriage seems like it has become such a selfish institution! It's all about take and not give.
            'He's not giving time and he's busy with work, he doesn't give gifts on my bday, he gets cheap things, he doesn't give time and go out like they used to.'
            'She doesn't care or help him anymore, she doesn't make his dinner for him, she argues about what he wants.'
            And social media has a hand to play in divorces too. There's too much! Like Facebook likes and messages. Why did he 'like' her picture? Why did she not respond to his message when clearly she had read it because there were 'two blue ticks' by it (whatsapp)??? SubhanAllah.

            It's all about take, take, take! There should be a balance.
            I mean there should be such love ❤️, that he couple seem like one _ not opponents! Extremely sad when kids are involved.
            'He doesn't change the nappy, she doesn't drop them off at school. I always have to wake up to tend to the baby at night.'

            Lack of Understanding. There's far too much stubbornness and close-mindedness. They want to get the last word in, and will not try to understand each other's point of view. Even if an alternative is given, they argue against it just because they want to prove they are right.

            SubhanAllah. They should be easier to fix- but sometimes it feels that people may be trying to find EXCUSES to spilt up, and they don't want to try to fix it. They don't want to try and save it. It's Shaytaan at work. And he's successful...unfortunately.

            But whenever you can, I would always try fixing the marriage. Because there is something there and more often they are fixable than not! Which is great because it shows that there is hope.

            If I do have distressed friends or families approaching me about their marital problems- I always try to mend it- I know! I don't really like meddling in others marital affairs as It's their private life- I know. But I make it my personal challenge to get them together again.
            And once it's done, it's amazing! The core thought in my head is 'I'm not letting you win, Shaytaan. I will defeat you, and bring it on!'

            So in case if you ever plan on doing that:

            Always start with Bismillah- as it makes the act more fruitful and easier. And start with making the correct niyyah of pleasing Allah and doing it solely for Him.

            Doing something like separately approaching the partners and reminding them about the goodness in their partner - be subtle about it. Never direct. For example like 'do you remember when x did this for you?? That's so caring, mashaallah. You're so lucky to have one another. You make a great couple.' Constantly remind them of the good in one another- the reason they fell in love with the person. Sometimes, they just need a gentle push in the right direction.

            And then do that with their partner to. 'Oh wow, your wife did that/made that. Etc?' Highlight their good qualities.
            What I do is highlight their good qualities and say how I aspire to be a wife like that, and would do dua that I have a husband who has similar qualities to their partners.

            And it works!! It's a small thing but it definitely works.
            When they're in the same room again, you can see the hidden smiles and the twinkles in the eyes, wallahi. You can't wait to leave the room, so they can be one again. ❤️ Yes, it's behavioural psychology - but it works. All you're doing is reminding them of the good because they were over-focused on the bad and it doesn't help if they have a meddling family member whonis helping them highlight heir partner's flaw.

            Another thing, send them out to do something they like together. Offer to look after the children whilst sending them out to a romantic dinner to rekindle that spark that was once there. Or go out to do some acitivity towgether. Something competitive makes it more fun. A day out together or even an evening. Because when kids or work or other things are involved, they are too busy and rightfully understandable. However, they don't spend time together. So the time they do have together is spent arguing about not having time together!

            A lot of hope and dua.

  4. You made him wait for 7 years , you made him come over to your country and leave the comfort of his home. And just because you're smarter doesn't mean you're better. You're saying all these things now like you only been talking for 7min. Do you know intellect , job , confidence basically all the things you mentioned about him could all be improved on. As someone who claims to be so intelligent, you chose the most unreasonable action. Instead of dismissing him , give him the chance to fix up. You obviously saw something within since you spoke for 7 years. Your family claims that his family has mouth etc but yet that's what you guys are doing pretty much hypocritical

  5. lostgirl93 ,

    I think your parents's concerns are right .
    Its better you communicate to him and tell that now you have realized that its haraam to talk to non mehrem man and so cutting off all contacts .

    Also tell him clearly that your father is not agreeing for this marriage hence its better if he forgets you .

    Any of the true reasons you can tell if he is keen to know the reason for rejection .

    Also you need to change your life style and try to become good muslimah and avoid haraam relation ships .

  6. Listen to your parents, they are speaking seance. Once the practicality of life hits, economic, social and educational behavior and compatibility is what makes couple compatible. Use your brain rather your heart, you are seeking a life long commitment.

  7. Such a sticky situation to be in. Please perform Istikhara before you take any step, including talking to him about this. It may cause irreparable damage if you communicated any of your points to him to part with him, then you guys decided to go ahead with the marriage. Feel really sad for the guy. May Allah do for you two what's in the best of you guys' interest.

  8. This whole thing talking to him online to your cousin was just a lust. I am sorry to say but for 7 years you somewhat toyed with his heart. It was all a teenage thing. You didn't realize the reality of him moving to UK. You are 2 different people, You have already answered your own question why it would not work. You a doctor and he is not that educated and skilled and top of other things. Your social status is not compatible and I see a lot of problems that can occur. Tell him something like your parents already fixed a guy for you and you had no idea and can't disobey them. I feel bad for him.

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