Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged against my will

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Forced marriage

I am a pakistani girl who is engaged against her will. I have been engaged since 2 years now but am too scared to tell my parents that I reject because I have veryyy strict parents. I'm engaged based on cultural traditions.
I don't like my fiance but am too scared to admit it. I found someone who I truly love, but he is arabic. No one in our whole family has been married to someone who is not Pakistani. The person I love has made me more religious and I started to be a real muslima because of him. I started wearing hijab, pray, read quran and study arabic to understand it as well.He wants to marry me and so do I but if my parents find out that I have been talking to someone else while I was engaged they will kill me.
How do I tell them I do not want to marry the Pakistani guy who doesn't even know me nor do I. How do I tell them I want to marry the person who has made me become a real muslima?
I hope you can help me out..

Allah hafiz


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10 Responses »

  1. Wasalam malaikam
    The Quran tells us not to put ethnicity before faith, but also teaches us to obey our parents. I am of a Romani (gypsy) family. My parents arranged for me to be married to someone I did not like before I was even born. But since both the other person and me did not want to marry each other, both families let it go. Is the man you are supposed to marry Muslim?
    How old are you?

  2. It seems like you have got rather close to someone else while you were engaged. I don't agree with long engagements, they usually lead to something like this.

    But you knew you were engaged and should have respected that. If you don't like the guy then that is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with.

    Getting close to a non mahram is wrong. An unhappy engagement doesn't excuse that.

    Can you get any of your family relations involved to speak to your parents on your behalf or support you when you speak to them? You will eventually have to tell your parents, or they guy that you don't want to marry him. The sooner he finds out the better, he can look for someone who likes him better.

    This is a difficult situation and I hope things work out for you. In the mean time, don't get in to a non halaal relation ship with anyone, even if he swears blind he's going to marry you.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Islam clearly states that a person has the right to reject a proposal, and that forced marriage is not acceptable. If you decide you don't want to marry the person your parents chose, then you are within your rights to stand up for yourself. Your parents may be unhappy, but inshaAllah they will come to realise that your wellbeing is more important than some cultural traditions... if they don't, then you may be able to access support to avoid being forced to marry him, eg from women's rights groups, anti-forced marriage organisations, your country's government (if the government is one that disapproves of forced marriage - eg. the UK).

    Before deciding to reject this proposal though, think about your fiance - does he have good qualities that meet Islamic criteria for making a guy "husband material"? If he is pious and of good character, it may be worth taking some time to think about whether he might be a suitable match for you, before rushing to reject him. Pray istikhara, and find out more about him - his interests, his values, what he wants for the future. If you then decide that you don't want to marry him, you can give clear reasons to your parents as to why this isn't the man for you, and you'll know for yourself that you've based your decision on Islamic principles and compatibility.

    As for the other guy you've encountered, it's important to bear in mind that he is not your mahram, so the two of you need to be observing appropriate limits in your interactions. If you have transgressed these limits, it's important that you both repent for this. If he is serious about wanting to marry you, then he needs to approach your family with a proposal. Just because nobody else in your family has married someone who wasn't Pakistani, doesn't mean you can't. But, you and he need to go about things in the right way - having a secret and haraam relationship is only going to end in people getting hurt. If your parents reject him based on un-Islamic grounds, then you could ask an imam or another person your parents respect to discuss the matter with them.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Dear,

    1. No one can force you to get married...I don't care how strict a parent is. Are they going to move your things out against your will and dress you up in your wedding dress? They can bully you, but can't make you marry anyone.

    Sit down with them, tell them I will not marry him, no way I don't like him. And that's that. No. Learn how to use it. If you are being punished physically or abused because of This I suggest you go live with family for a while. But dear, just say NO.

    2. This gentleman you are chatting he in your country? Have you met him before? How do you know if he's good or not? There are a lot of players. Don't fall for it. So many sister go to other countries and get abused and get pit in situations that they can't get out of because it's not their country or they can't speak the local language.

    People are nice online, meet someone in real life and don't get caught up in a haram situation.

    If you are serious about him, then let him visit you and meet your parents, but if you can't do that...than stop talking to him because it will go nowhere.

    Sister, all the best , remember NO is your best friend, and stop chatting with men online, it will lead no where good.

  5. just get nikkah with this arab guy and leave a not and live your dream. This arrange weddings are old school .In these times most end up divorce or just surviving the battles at are mature and responsible 4 your body so do what u feel. your parents will have to agree with u soon or later n give in . Trust me .

  6. Hi.

    There has been an increasing trend in 'he has brought me closer to Islam' posts recently (past year). It has been brought up adequately frequently for it to look like a justification of marriage or an affair.

    If there is a person that is religious enough to influence others, surely that person must know that being romantically involved with the opposite gender outside of marriage is clearly not setting the best standards of Islam. This irony is often missed by the questioners who are clearly looking for ways to convince themselves or readers or their parents of a person they are involved with.

    Parents often see what the children do not. This may be masked by tradition but more often than not, it is a well thought out decision by them.

    Parents, however strict, will not shy away from listing down the reasons to why they selected a potential spouse for their child. This should be the first step to the discussion i.e. to inquire with the parent of the rationale of their decision.

    Allah knows best.


  7. Nobody can help you until you help yourself.

    I know it is very difficult to do it.........but it is the only way out
    You have to tell your parents. If not , at least tell some relative who can tell your parents.
    You may also try to talk to the guy whom you are engaged with. Tell him that, marriage is something permanent. Your married live will not be happy one. He will understand that.

    You have to talk. It could be a big fight like war. many people will say many bad things But still you have to talk
    It is your life. You are the one who would take decision.

  8. I recommend talking to your parents and saying a whole lot of "no". It's going to be hard, they're going to ask the same question over and over again. Then they're going to make it seem like such a big deal that you're breaking the engagement and you should try and so forth. But you have to see it as can you fulfill the rights of your fiance? He's marrying you because he's looking forward to a good wife and you are currently in love with some other guy. He's better off not marrying you and you're better off not marrying him, please don't go through with the marriage and break the engagement. Lastly, you better be sure this is what you want. Once you break that engagement, that guy is probably not coming back, so you need to be really sure this Arabic guy is being sincere.

  9. Wsalam dear sister
    Im Pakistani too just like u I had also fallen for an Arabic guy on the internet when I was only 18 bt then my parents forced me for engagement with my second cousin n I was married to him
    I wasnt willing to marry bt had to do it ro make my parents happy n fulfil the cultural norms
    Thwn when I went to UAE with my husband who worked there,I saw that arabic guy with his 2 male frnds n a Filipino girl bt he didnt recognize me as my face was covered
    After inquiring I came to kno that girl was a prostitute and those guys were taking her to a hotel to use her
    My husband told me these arabs r all lyk this, they hav alot of wives n affairs n no value fr non arab women
    Then I thanked Allah (swt) n my parents fr saving me
    I wish n pray that u also dont get indulged in something wrong that might harm u n u need to b very careful
    N 1 more thing,in many arab countries its difficult fr men to marry unless they giv alot to his bride on marriage, this is also one reason y they luk fr non arab women coa in pak girls parents giv dowry nt the groom

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