Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged and feeling sick with nerves

Man hiding under his jacket

Salaam all,

I recently received a marriage proposal from a very good man, and the only logical thing was to say 'yes'. He is practicing, and he is very kind and generous mashaAllah. My fiancé is also more good-looking than me, wealthier and more educated; and I like him very much.

However, I am a very introverted person and for this reason I do not feel like I could ever be married. I have trouble with eye contact and communicating with people. I cannot imagine being alone in a house with this man. In fact, the thought makes me feel trapped and very nervous, so I get nausea and I cannot concentrate on anything and I cry about it a lot. Ever since I said yes, I feel like my life is over.

Already when he is kind to me, I do not feel like I can reciprocate or return the favour. I hate saying 'thank you' because it feels too embarrassing for me. I generally just ignore him. I feel like I am being a cold, arrogant person and he has already commented that he thinks I am distracted because I love someone else, which is not true at all.

I have been told many times that marriage is the sunnah, and that I need to marry to protect myself from fitnah as I live in Australia. I am finding it very difficult to calm myself down and behave well with my fiancé and then to behave as a wife should with her husband; with compassion and mercy. I am very nervous because I don't know how to correct my behaviour.

Any advice would be appreciated.

-HumairaE


Tagged as: , , , , ,

27 Responses »

  1. Read this book. It will be the best book you will ever read and one that will help you throughout your entire life inshallAllah.

    It's called: The Ideal Muslimah
    Written by Dr Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi
    And translated by Nasiruddin al-khattab

    Get this book. You can thank me for it later:)

  2. Have you been like that all your life? Do you get nervous with your close friends and relatives?
    Your nerves are just reacting to your fears. You can tell your hubby you get nervous when you are with him.
    Intimate relations will bring you 2 very close. This closeness will help you feel confident.

  3. There are a lot of questions in your situation
    1- Do you have healthy sexual feelings? if you get answer for this question you can answer the second question
    Do you love him or not? your hesitation just because you are not attracted to him or you are not attracted to any men at all.
    2- if you have sexual coldness as you described you need to find why? is it physical or psychological. is it because of hormanal disorder or other complex problem caused by pressed feelings and so on(which is not my expertise area)

    3- You need to clarify your mind to think healthy. For example you may have heard a phrase from one of your friends while you were child "the first night (first sexual intercourse )hurts!" even these kind of subconscious fears my trigger your problem.

    4- You can not get married just because it is sunnah. While you are in this situation you may ruin your life and his life.
    Solve your problems first.

    If your fiance is good man you can imply your fears little bit to him. (I am not saying for you to say "I am sick! help me! just imply) 🙂
    talk to him about your fears (without making him scare be careful ) may be he can say something beautiful and it may clean the anxiety in your mind.

    The last thing. Decision is yours. I just tried to help from far far away of your situation...

  4. Salam sister,

    I am an introverted person too and I also felt that I could not get married. I was also very shy and embarrassed to speak to my husband and he also got wrong impressions of me. I guess if you are not a very social person it is nerve racking suddenly having to live with a complete stranger who you have only met a couple of times.

    But it all sorts itself out after marriage. Within a few days you will feel comfortable with him and laughing about this in a few months!

    Because you are unable to communicate with him, he is getting the wrong signals. You need to let him know whats going on in your head so that he can understand you and communicate with you appropriately. Why not send him an email or letter explaining your nervous feelings. Just explain that you would like to get to know him after marriage and take things slowly as you are very shy. If he is a good person he will understand you and try to make you happy. Don't worry everything will go smoothly Insha Allah.

    May Allah bless you with a happy marriage. Xx

  5. Assalamwalaikum,

    I feel like I am being a cold, arrogant person

    Let me first agree with you! You are absolutely right! It is true that you are being cold and heartless! ...But do you realize, with whom you are behaving this way? It is not your prospective husband or anyone else... it is yourself! You have to start from within "you", that requires much self-reflection and thinking about your own behavior with yourself. Trust me, when you make yourself comfortable, others around you will automatically start to get the same vibes, and feel warm around you. If you cannot be compassionate or kind with yourself, you cannot be compassionate or kind with others.

    I am a very introverted person and for this reason I do not feel like I could ever be married.

    To be introverted is absolutely normal, but to feel inferior is just wrong. From what you mentioned in your post, I think there is a mix between feeling inferior and introverted. You should not feel less than anyone, nor should you feel above anyone. I am 100% certain that you have many good qualities and talents in you. Now, you need to see all these good things about you. You need to "believe" that you are worthy ...and believe me, you are worthy of a good life companion! I can also see from your post that you have very good haya (bashfulness)! Haya is a very noble characteristic to have, and in today's world, very rare to find. In a place like Australia, you would be a precious gem for any righteous man to have as a life companion! Haya is also a part of faith!

    Narrated by 'Abdullah bin 'Umar
    The Prophet passed by a man who was admonishing his brother regarding haya and was saying, "You are very shy, and I am afraid that might harm you." On that, Allah's Apostle said, "Leave him, for haya is (a part) of Faith."
    ~ Sahih Bukhari (Vol. 8, Book 73, No. 139)

    I highly recommend watching the video in the following link as well:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXi0xqfiBfk

    My fiancé is also more good-looking than me, wealthier and more educated; and I like him very much.

    Umm... I am not sure how, the looks of two opposite gender can be compared. How can it be said, that a man is more good-looking than a woman? This kind of comparision doesn't make sense to me!
    Masha-Allah, for the man being wealthy as well as educated. Perhaps you maybe aware, that in Islam, the character/piety of the spouse is more valuable than beauty, wealth and status. Masha-Allah, as you say the prospective husband is practicing as well! From what you say, I think you are verrrrry fortunate to find a man who is practicing, educated and wealthy! And also, the man is verrrrry fortunate to find a sister as bashful as you.

    Please do not think of yourself to be unworthy for him ...you are absolutely worthy sister, and do not think of yourself to be beneath him because he is more wealthier or educated. As for weath, it comes and goes, Allah is The Provider. As for education... well! there is a slang saying in my village in hindi, "hoshyari kisi ke baap ki nahi", literally meaning: smartness does not belong to anyone's father. Rather, it's to say, smartness is not something inherited, or something that can be bought and does not belong to one person. Everyone can learn and become smart, sometime you can even be more smarter than people who have PhD's!

    the thought makes me feel trapped and very nervous, so I get nausea and I cannot concentrate on anything and I cry about it a lot

    You see, shaytan does not like for two people to get married, and keep things halal. Shaytan does have the ability to whisper in our hearts. So, I partly feel that shaytan is making you feel "nervous or nauseated or trapped". Seek refuge in Allah from such thoughts, and snap/distract yourself out of such thoughts, you will become more comfortable and better when you spend more time with your future husband, Insha-Allah! Your life is far from being over, Insha-Allah! 🙂

    I recently received a marriage proposal from a very good man, and the only logical thing was to say 'yes'.

    I think that decisions should be made using your mind and heart, do not simply follow what "appears" to be logical. But as you mentioned that you have a liking for the prospective husband, I would assume that you have made a decision using both, the mind and heart, Alhamdulillah!

    It would be unwise to let this opportunity pass. Perform Istikhara, and if you, your parents, the prospective husband and prospective in-laws are happy, do not delay this marriage for silly reasons! 🙂

    May Allah take you in the right direction and give you a wonderful husband, Ameen! 🙂

    • MashaaAllah. Such good advice from Khiskisay. Allahumma baarik 'alaik, ya Khiskisay! I sincerely hope HumairaE will read your excellent advice.

      • I am glad to simply know, that Allah subhana wa ta'ala could make my words bring comfort or benefit in another person's life. JazakAllahu Khayr for your kind words!

    • Salaam,

      Thank you especially for your kind words.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    It's entirely understandable to feel nervous around a still-unfamiliar man, especially when considering a life-long (inshaAllah) commitment.

    I think the first thing to think about is whether you actually want to marry him - is this a man of good character and deen, with whom you could build a home and a life? From your post, you've mentioned quite a few positive things about him - he's practising, of good character, you like him... Have a think about it, pray istikhara for guidance, and if you decide that you want to marry him, then carry on with things - in a halal way of course! It might also help to speak with a close female relative or trusted friend, to get their opinion on things.

    When you describe yourself as introverted and how that affects your thinking, I think you're doing yourself a disservice. Yes, you could compare yourself to "outgoing" people who chat to everyone easily and seem effortlessly confident, but think about it from another perspective - you're naturally modest and reserved in your interactions - we are told to strive for modesty (haya) and you're already inclined that way, Alhamdulillah.

    It might help for this man to be told, either by you (in a halal setting) or by your wali, that you are naturally modest and reserved, and feel shy around him. That way, he should, inshaAllah, know not to take your shyness as rejection. He may well be delighted to learn that the woman he wishes to marry is modest and cautious in her interactions with others.

    You could then make it clear that you will need time to get to know him, and to become comfortable with the level of intimacy involved in a marriage (not just in terms of the physical relationship, but living together, emotional intimacy, etc). The two of you could think about ways in which you both can work towards this. For example, you could wait until a couple of months after the nikah before moving in together - that way you could get to know each other better as husband and wife - or you could each have your own private space in your house (not necessarily anything big - maybe a shed, or a corner of a room?) so that you can have time by yourselves as well?

    And in the meantime, try to work on your confidence to make eye contact with him, and respond to his compliments - even just a smile and a "thank you" shows appreciation of his efforts. You could maybe ask your mum or another close female relative for advice on how to work on your confidence and how to interact with him? If you're still feeling distressed by it, it might help to speak with your family doctor/GP - they may be able to put you in touch with people who could help (eg counsellors, talking therapies to look at improving your confidence and skills in such situations?).

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    First off, Congratulations on your engagement, May Allah join you both in a happy and fulfilling marriage, Ameen.

    I think it is great that you find our fiancé attractive and from what you wrote, he sounds like a caring individual.

    Cutting to the chase, this is what I inferred from what you wrote: it feels as though you are afraid of being rejected (perhaps even subconsciously) and you are protecting yourself by not becoming excited, or avoiding being polite and generally overall putting yourself in a safe & invulnerable place. It seems you don't want to "risk" your feelings at all just in case things don't work out. I may be wrong, but this is what I read because of how you compared him to yourself.

    To overcome the issue, I believe you have to start by being thankful for all the positives that you are experiencing. Secondly, pray to Allah swt for patience and guidance. Thirdly, perhaps you can relay to him (and I assume you are not meeting alone, but amongst family meetings) that you are shy and nervous and are not used to this interaction. Frankly, I think he should find that attractive and hopefully, he is confident enough to be able to make you feel comfortable after you are both married, inn shaa Allah.

    Essentially, you would have this problem with any man you were engaged with--and this is not something that is specific to your current fiancé. Try to find ways to communicate what you want to say--read up on how men and women communicate in different ways. Even though we may speak the same language--men and women do communicate differently. It can be difficult for a person who is an extrovert--so being an introvert isn't the only reason for this.

    I pray that all works out for you and hope that your feelings settle with time, Ameen!

    • Wa alaikum assalaam Saba

      I'm not sure what is the origin of my nervous feelings - maybe fear of rejection, or maybe something else. I act like this all the time, it's just that my family and close friends are so used to it that they're not offended.

      Yes, I think it is necessary to inform him of what I'm like, so he knows what he's getting himself in.

      Exactly what I intended when I wrote that the man has good qualities, he is not perfect or an angel but the problem is clearly not with him, and I would have this same issue wherever I went.

      Thanks for your duaa. May Allah reward you.

  8. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone who is a decent man. Trust me there are not that many men around like this. If you are not ready to get married then don't get married your going to ruin an innocent man's life, so think carefully BEFORE you play with someone's emotions and feelings. Try to improve yourself and become a better Muslim. Learn to say thank you, treat others how you want to be treated as well, consider others feelings too because your own actions have consequences. Allah sees all this here and afterlife.

    I know people get nervous and anxious BUT you can make an effort by communicating with people and have confidence as you cant stay shy all your life. I strongly advise you to get hold of this book A Gift For Muslim Women by Maulana Ashiq Elahi Madani translation by Shakir Rizwani and Prof Riaz Hussain. Over my years this book as comforted me and I hope this helps you too inshAllah

    • Salam sister,

      Shyness is not something people choose for themselves. Shyness is not something within our control. The sister does want to get married but is shy and anxoius which is giving out the wrong signals to the guy. It's not her fault.

      Nobody wants to be shy. This may also be due to a girls circumstances, i.e if they have never dealt with a non mehrem men at college or work. Naturally they will be scared because it is something new speaking to a strange man all of a sudden. Their are many muslim parents who do not let their daughter go out with friends or socialize on the phone etc or speak to male cousins, relatives etc. So the girl ends up being an introvert and very shy. So how is she supposed to know how to deal with a man if she has never spoken to one before.It is not her fault. In the west men and women mix freely at work , college functions, party's etc so women are comftroble talking to men. There is no problem with shyness. But many muslim girls are shy due to no interaction with males. It's understandable.

      • Assalam alaikum,

        Sr. Samina, I think that is a bit harsh to suggest she will ruin a man's life. I don't see any such qualities of a girl that would play/toy with a man (especially when she speaks of her nervousness)--The OP has posted here asking for how to overcome her shyness--and in fact she things so highly of her fiancé that she feels he is better than herself. I also think the OP is correct in some of her behaviour because maintaining a good distance from her fiancé (non-Mahram) until they marry is rather wise--and the OP is actually being herself and not putting up a front--her future husband (inn shaa Allah) is getting what he sees.

        I agree with you Sr. Sumaira that shyness is not something that is in our control--but I do think people who are shy are that way regardless of their environment (even if there is mixing of genders). And if anyone has experienced fright (as an example) when having to talk in front of others to the point that they can't think or talk, you know it is not something you just snap out of--it takes the desire to learn those skills and a good resource to learn them from--lots and lots of practice and learning how to control one's nerves.

        • @Saba my reply speaks the FACT especially when the OP says

          I recently received a marriage proposal from a very good man, and the only logical thing was to say 'yes'.

          the thought makes me feel trapped and very nervous, so I get nausea and I cannot concentrate on anything and I cry about it a lot

          If you as a woman are insecure then don't marry until you are in the right frame of mind. Marriage is not a days worth its a whole life time. If you feel the OP fiance is better than her again I strongly advise her not to marry him until she resolves her own issues of shyness and behavior before marriage. Simple as that you have a choice.

          • Perhaps Sister, you are right. But I don't understand how someone can intentionally feel nausea and for that reason alone, I can see how this is more about learning to communicate, not instantly telling her to refuse a good proposal.

            If you feel offended, that was not my intention.

          • Salaam Samina,

            You might be right that I should delay marriage. I just thought I'd ask, what do you think of the hadith that "If a suitor approaches whose religion and character please you, then let him marry. Otherwise, there will be a lot of immorality and corruption in the world." and I'm not sure if this is a correct hadith but I've also heard that if a woman rejects a suitor for no good reason, then she is cursed, also if she requests divorce for no good reason, then she is cursed.

      • @Sumaira I noticed in a lot of your post you keep mixing west v east all the time.
        Its got nothing to do with west or east, its up to the person themselves to make an effort with a positive attitude then good things happen if the other person lets it be.

        • Sister Samina,

          I didn't say it had anything to do with east or west. I was just showing you an example of different social behaviours. Obviously if someone is exposed to sonething they will not fear it. If a person is more social with friends, family it will be easier for them to overcome shyness the a person who is isolated. As muslims we do not mix with non mehrem men so it is expected that when it is time to get married, many girls will feel shy and nervous. It's natural.

          But from experience I can say that when she gets married to him she will quickly overcome this, as she will be interacting with him 24/7. She will get used to talking to him. Shyness is not something that gets better with attitude. It's very difficult to overcome. It gets easier the more you expose yourself to social situations.

  9. Salam Sister HumairaE,

    Alhumduallah, you are getting engaged with a good muslim that you like. I am really glad for you. Sister, trust me, your problem of shyness can be overcome and will overcome soon, inshallah.

    You reminded me of one of my neighbor who is a very kind, good and practicing muslim. She told me she was not allowed to go anywhere when she was young. She stayed home all the time and took care of her sick mom since she was 12. They even made her stayed at home to do distant learning so she would "keep out" of the trouble and "evil". She did not earn her High school Diploma and might have only a ninth grade level. Here, I am not going to judge of what the family did to this girl.

    With Allah mercy, this girl got married with a highly educated man- PHD. Her husband is a nice, gentle, practicing and very religious man. All he considers is a religious believing woman. My neighbor is a very average looking and a heavy set woman. She is extremely shy and lack of confident as everyone can tell. Now they have 3 lovely children, marshallah. Honestly, up to this day, she is still a very shy, insecure and lack of confidence. BUT her kindness and gentleness make us all like her and help her whenever we can.

    I learned a lot from her. She depends and trusts Allah a lot. Sister, I believe you too have a very nice character that will attract people to like you. Now, your good character attracts this man to propose you. You should be happy that he does not judge people's appearance. It is a good sign that you like him. The only problem for you is you do not know how to interact with him. It is not that difficult if you are really want to try. Make lots of duas, lot of it. Ask Allah to give you confident, ask Allah to remove the "unexplained frighteness" in your heart, ask Allah to give you calm and peace in your heart, inshallah.

    First and foremost is to learn to relax, open up yourself a bit..Being honest to yourself and him is very important. Just let him know what kind of person you are: shy but kind; let him know you may not know how to express yourself well but you are trying etc. Keep communicating is the key. When you don't know how to respond, tell him you don't know how to respond, period. (However, you will try to ponder when you back home, etc) Most of the time, men are not sensitive to women's feeling. If you give them a little smile and a nod, that will mean a lot to him already. Social skill can be learned if you are willing to, take it one step in a time. Try to search some websites on assertiveness, engaging dialogue or taking some classes in community center.

    Also, how's your relationship with your mother? Ask you mom about marriage questions now. There are something more you should prepare before you get marry. Some young women may not be psychologically prepare to "live" with a man, it may cause them a trauma when the man starts to "approach" them. If your mother is not available, ask a married sister that you can trust. Do you have a brother/uncle/father that can take you both out? Maybe a walk in the park with him / with his family together. Ask your family / mom to initiate some social gathering between two families. It also help you to know about him more. You may start to ask him some basic questions: what do do in your spare time, what books you like to read? etc etc. Prepare some snacks for him will surely help : ).

    Trust me sister, your problem, inshallah, will be solved soon. One last thing it always help me: fear Allah only, nothing you should be fear. May Allah bless you and your marriage, inshallah.

    • Salaam Sister K

      Thank you so much for your advice. Especially, the last part... everything is in the hands of Allah in the end.

      Alhamdulillah my upbringing was ordinary and I didn't have to face such hardships as this woman and her family. I will try to look up some websites on social skills etc, and see if my brother can help in conversations. You have good ideas.

  10. Accept him sister!!! You'll never regret it! Make istikhara and accept him. And ask Allah Aza Wa Jal to remove anxiety and introvertness and replace it with patience and calmness but don't let him go.. It'll break his heart.. Imagination and reality are different things.. May Allah Aza Wa Jal make your reality more beautiful, calm and peaceful than what you imagine.. Ignore the introvertness and get married! You'll be happy.. Especially if he is religious!
    May Allah Aza Wa Jal bless you and make it easy for both f you in understanding each other.

  11. What you're feeling is normal sister.. Here's a link to duas:

    http://dua.farhathashmi.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=12&Itemid=13

  12. omg i totally feel you! Im engaged now and around my family i can be very bubbly and talkative and loud but when it comes to strangers, im pretty shy and this situation is EVEN MORE different because hes not just a stranger, HES A STRANGE MAN WHO I WILL MARRY AND LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! so im veeeeery nervous and afraid to talk to him. When i met him and was asking questions i was soooo shy that im embarrassed to even think about it lol I want to get to know him more but then i totally CANNOT imagine myself talking to a strange man about things like how many kids do you want or something! Our parents raised us mashaAllah in a religious environment so i literally never ever talked to boys. My friends have all grown up doing so but I just couldnt and AH im happy but now...now im faced with one man. lol. Its nerve wracking. I do know that hes a good brother who is well mannered and nice and is doing work for the deen which i like so im just making dua to Allah for the best and to be happy and content with him and comfortable. Im praying that i can be a good wife to him and support him and love him once im married to him. Just this moment from now to when i move in with him...driving me nuts. IA though, I am going to try and have as much tawakkul as i can 🙂 I feel like Allah has opened this situation to me and the whole time its been easy and nothings gotten in the way and pretty much all good signs so now I will hope for the best from Allah. He is the Most High and He is the One who asnwers duas and gives good and eases worries. Pray to Him and call out to Him to make your situation easy! 😀 And Congrats!

  13. Thank you.

Leave a Response