Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged to a married man and dealing with jealousy

second wife

A man who have wife but his wife never gave birth any child. We engage to marry each other. I want to marry him but I'm very jealous. I don't want to be his wife until he divorces his first wife.

He gave her a plot and money to help her self and decided to divorce. But still has not divorced her. I am confused because I have jealousy and suspicion.

So pls advice me what to do. I have prayed istikhara for 5 days but still he's in my mind.


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9 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I may be understanding it wrong but it sounds like the man intended to take you as a second wife because his first couldn't bear children. You didn't mention that he promised you he would divorce her, so the assumption is that he never intended to. If you are not comfortable being a second wife, then perhaps you should decline his proposal. For you to accept a marriage to him believing (possibly wrongly) that he will or should divorce his first wife will probably only hurt all three of you in the end. Honestly, if you are having this tough a time struggling with jealousy now, it will probably continue to grow if he decides to keep both of you as wives.

    I suggest you do one of two things: either wait to marry him until after he actually does divorce his wife (which may or may not happen); or cut your losses now before it gets too complicated and find someone who is willing to have a monogamous marriage with you.

    -Amy Editor

    • Also to add to Amy's advice, it would be quite immoral and sinful for you to encourage this man to divorce his first wife, regardless of what promises he has made. He is accountable for his own actions and you will be accountable for your own.

      SisterZ Editor

  2. Sr. Yarrow

    Please do not force a guy to divorce his 1st wife just because she could not bear him children. This is cruelty from one woman (you) to another woman (her)! Have fear of Allah!! It was Allah who did not bless the couple with children - who knows if there was a medical or even no cause for the infertility - and who knows Allah forbid, what if you don't have kids after marriage with this man and he wants to marry 3rd time. What will you do then? If you get him to divorce her when he is reluctant then try to be understanding: He will be questioned on the day of judgement how he treated her. If you really care for him, then don't make his akhirah difficult for him. He may not be leaving her because he loves/cares for her, and there is nothing wrong with that -she has been part of his life for many years!

    I did not have kids in my marriage and there was nothing wrong with me medically. he wanted to remarry and keep me as 1st wife - I wanted a husband to myself just like you want him to be yours only - I decided to leave, because I would not have been able to handle the jealousy if she gave him a child.....just like the story of Sarah and Hajra with Prophet Abraham (AS) (I may mention that there were a LOT of in-law issues with my marriage which was the other reason why I did not want to remain a co-wife)

    So as Sr. Amy suggested above, let him go - marry another.

    • Sister Serendipity,
      Couldn't have said it better myself. It's unfortunate that men divorce their wives just because they couldn't bear them a child. I know a couple of cases where women didn't divorce their husbands for the reasons such as infertility and stood by their side and looked into options such as adoption etc etc. May Allah (swt) help these sisters (who advise men to divorce their first wives for whatever reason) to try to understand their plight. As you said; if this sister in question cared for this brother's akhirah; she won't ask him to divorce her and ruin his akhira. Who knows may be down the line, she may be able to bear children and their have been cases when couple were unable to conceive for decade or over but were finally blessed with children and we know for a fact that women can bear children even in their late 40's and 50's especially with the help of modern medical advances.


  3. Br. Mohammad1982
    My issue with this infertility issue is that Islam goes out of the window when it comes to tawakkul. My inlaws expected me to have 'son' exactly 9 mths after marriage! It could just NOT be a daughter - so I was in double trouble : have a kid AND make sure it would be a boy. They were "practising" muslims - the whole deal of praying 5 times, zakat, hajj and all - but they were very insecure bec their own daughter had not borne kids till almost 8 years after marriage and they were worried their son may have the same fate, BUT instead of being understanding, that their son in law never left their daughter or made her a co-wife, they treated me shabbily bec I was not pregnant on their schedule - not Allah's schedule! The daughter I mentioned came up to me 10mths after my marriage and asked me to let him remarry...TEN months only. I has expected her to be my ally and make her parents back off based on her experience as her husband and inlaws were quiet and left it all to Allah. My Father in law finally said that he was going to die in the next year (he was a fairly healthy for age 57 yr old) if he did not see his "first grandson". He is still alive and working 15 years later today. My ex-husband was remarried 2-3 months after the divorce (they were already soliciting proposals while we were separated and I went for umrah and asked Allah to help me make the decision of staying/leaving the relationship).
    Of course with the stigma we have against divorced women - for no fault of mine, I have been "labelled" and rejected as a "divorce" and "a used woman" - the exact words my husband said to me which still hurt to this day bec that was his way of preventing me from leaving the harem he wanted to create - and he had said to me that he would continue marrying till he got grand-kids for his parents! - the very thing I am trying to warn this sister.

    • your post doesn't make sense sister has your husband taken a second wife because you did give him a grandson that is rather old fashioned.

  4. Salam sister...

    I agree with Sr. Serendipity. It is not wise to push a man to divorce his wife after what they have passed for years. When a family doesn't have kids, the first "judgment" is for the woman. It is like a natural law. Even the problem maybe in the man.
    Now about your problem Sister. Presenting you in their life surely hurt her. You may not realize what she has been through. No kids and now she have to let her husband be with you. The one who should be jealous is her but she can't do anything. The husband seems a responsible man. he loves her and cares of her and understand what she is facing now. Pushing him just makes him into an unpleasant situation.

    About your jealousy. It is not a temporary feeling. It is there in your heart. Even he divorces her for example, you will feel jealous always because you know she has ( ever )been part of his life. You can't live in polygamy and if you force yourself to come into a marriage by hoping he will divorce her one day, you will suffer.

    Pls relax your mind and do more Zikir. May Allah guide you and all of us.

  5. Alot of sisters marry married men in the hope that they will divorce their first wives however this is not right in Islam if a women enters a polygamous she must except that her husband already has a first wife!

  6. One of my Christian friends asked me yesterday if the prejudice is true that Muslim women are only

    fertilization machines for their husbands. I hope this is not true. In many Muslim societies, the value of

    a woman is limited to her fertility and her beauty and I think that is fairly injust. Sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes medical device is necessary. Didn't the prophet say go for piety?

    So what is so god-fearing about pressuring women into pregnancy, eliminating other elements of the

    relationship. I don't know. I really don't. How can the value of a mother only lie in her beauty and her ability to conceive? I have seen it in so many societies in the Middle East. That is frightening.

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