Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engagement, Do I have a say in it or not?

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage has no place in Islam

Asalamualaikum

i need advice in terms of my engagement, as i am very confused and very unhappy. I am 17 and about 3  months ago, my parents decided to get me engaged. The first time the guy came to see me, i refused and did not agree to be engaged.

However my parents did not listen, and did get me engaged to him. He is 25 years old, is very educated, comes from a very good family, and all my family loves him. i am still not happy with this engagement. There is no connection between us, i do not feel happy when i am around him or when we talk, my parents force me to talk to him. i feel uncomfortable. a few weeks ago i tried telling my parents how i felt, how unhappy i was and that i did not want to marry him. They spoke to the elders, but refused to do anything about it. they said i hadn't given him enough time, and the fact i am not happy or don't like him wasn't a good enough excuse. that if i broke the engagement, simply in terms of the fact i did not like him, i will ruin our family honor.

I still cried and insisted and then my dad told me i had no say in this and that i have to do what they say. They get angry with me if i ever seem upset in front of him or anything. They get angry with me that i'm not happy, because in their eyes he is perfect so why couldn't i be happy?

i am extremely confused. he is a nice guy, but this situation really has affected me in a bad way. I do not see, or consider him as my fiance even though he is. every time anything to do with this situation is mentioned, i get teary and leave. i feel very alone, and scared to tell anyone.

i thought the experience of being engaged and getting married would be a beautiful one, but it has been the complete opposite. i decided to just give up and let them do what they want, no matter how much it hurts me. I want to stop it, but I don't know how, if anyone could help me, please do.

As anything I try saying to stop it comes across as not being a good enough reason and I just shut up as I have nothing left to say when they ask questions that I don't think I even need to answer.

i would like to hear your views on this to help me cope with this situation better. thank you very much.

ahsas123

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. Well beautiful child,

    You do not need to cope. Never in a million light years do you need to marry a man not of your choosing. If your parents think this man is such a great catch, he should not have any problem finding another bride. Stop being passive and allowing your parents to push you into this marriage. So what they are your parents...they have absolutely no right to force you to marry any guy that you have clearly stated you do not wish to wed. It is your Islamic right.

    Getting married is beautiful...with someone you find you are attracted to...someone you can envision a life with. I will never understand why any parents will spend years raising their daughters only to shove them into the arms of a man she does not wish to be her husband. As if at the age of 17 and all your education renders you incapable to choose a man you like!

    I have three daughters sister and as a mother, I have a duty to protect them and guide them towards a life which I feel will be fruitful for each of them. How could I be doing that if their father and I chose a man that we liked and their feelings be dammed? I could not live with myself. Their feelings do matter and I could never do that to them. I do not have that right and neither do your parents.

    The best advise I can offer you it this: Do not be passive. Being passive will just allow your parents to keep pretending that they haven't heard you because it is obvious that they do not care what you think or feel. They are going to marry you no matter what. Even when you end up divorced a year down the road...it will be all your fault because you didn't try hard enough. You are seventeen beautiful and if you do not stand tall and take your right as Islam has given you, you are just going to end up one of thousands of girls who come to this website every day and post of their very unhappy lives due to being forced to wed a man they didn't want to marry in the first place.

    Remember, you are not being disrespectful or shaming your family in any way. It is the actions of your parents that are shameful. Their actions are haram and forced marriage has no place in Islam. Stand your ground and make it clear that the wedding is not going to happen. Do not try any dress on or agree to anything. Do not be disrespectful to your parents...just take your God given right as a Muslimah and tell them to save their money because you are not going to marry him.

    The ball is in your court sister. Do not end up just another miserable married woman to a man to make her parents happy. You have rights in Islam...use them!

    Salam and a boatload of hugs

    • 100% agree
      So many girls lives are ruined just by this mistake.
      Stand up for yourself and you have a right to say NO

  2. Salam Sis,

    It doesn't matter if he is the nicest person in the world, if your not happy with him for whatever reason you don't need to marry him! YOU need to feel comfortable and attracted to the person your marrying, either emotionally or phisically.

    Forces marriages are haram. So stop yourself from being another victim of forced marriage. Your parents don't have any right to force you. The ultimate decision is yours. You are lucky your not married yet so take this time to to put your foot down and say no. Or tell then you want to continue to study as you are still young.

    Do not participate in any ceremonies, keep firmly saying no! Maybe even speak to the guy and tell him you are being forced into this marriage and you don't want to get married to him. I am sure no man would want to marry a girl who is being forced to marry him.

    May Allah help you and give you whats good for you.

  3. ahsas123: He is 25 years old, is very educated, comes from a very good family, and all my family loves him. i am still not happy with this engagement.

    Do you live in the same city. country etc? Is he related to you?

    Is he really 25 years old? Has he been engaged and/or married before?

    What do you think is missing in him as for as you are concerned? Is he attractive, good looking?
    What do you think is the best way for you to find your prince charming?

    • Are you feeling okay? She isn't ready to get married she said. It doesn't matter how 'great' a guy is, if a girl isn't ready then she isn't ready khalas. I always see you commenting ridiculous things and giving awful advice. You should be removed from this site because some of the advice you give is harmful please wisen up.

      And sister may allah swt make a way out of this for you ameen. I hope you get what you want inshallah you don't have to marry anyone against your will and you are so young you have your whole life ahead of you. It is haram for your parents to force you into marriage with someone you do not want and if they do it will be a sin on their head and they will be greatly punished. I don't get how some parents can be so cruel and do this to their own kids it's disgusting wallah they basically are letting their daughters get raped because that is what happens- young girls get forced into married with men older than them and they rape the girls on the wedding night! Inshallah this won't happen to you. I don't know what this guy is like but why don't you tell him you don't want to get married next time he comes over? Straight up say go him look I'm not ready to get married and I'm being forced against my will and I will not be able to be a good wife to you so find some woman who is ready to be married and is willing to marry you. You never know he might listen and call this whole thing off. Try to get your uncles involved or any other mahram who can support you. There must be some organisation which helps girls like you. Call the police or contact your government! Please do not give up or give in you are strong enough to face and stand up for your haq! Like the sister above said "do not be passive" and do not tolerate this. Best of luck princess

  4. Dear sister Stand firm and don't get married to him .If they force you again take the help of some other elders in family and say you are not happy with this proposal.don't get married to please your parents or society as life will become HELL after marriage if you are not happy ...Also ,17 is too early age for marriage i feel .

    • logical...Also ,17 is too early age for marriage i feel .

      At what age do you think a girl is mature enough to choose the best partner to get married too?

      • SVS I don't belive in so called perfect age for marriage .whenever a right match comes at right time it is the best age.

        • Logical: SVS I don't belive in so called perfect age for marriage .whenever a right match comes at right time it is the best age.

          That can happen in a perfect world? Do you think parents try to find the "right match" for their daughter.

          Some times a seventeen year old can forget about her parents love and what they did for her for 17 years and leave with a guy she met 17 days ago.

Leave a Response