Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Everyone Hates Me, I Want Allah To Love Me

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No One Loves Me. I Want Allah To Love Me

I will tell you first , I have been depressed since couple months ago. This has been going on since couple months ago (depression) and all of sudden it appears here and there.  Just six months ago  this depression had me in bed just wanting to sleep entire day.

I quit my job cuz I was miserable and could not find any pleasure in living.. I was crying and driving places with no where to go and nobody to talk to.. Only person I could talk to was another muslim woman who was very generous and understanding, so she kept giving me hope.

When I did not have her around I had to talk to another woman who was also Muslim but I think since me and my mom did house cleaning for her for years since times I knew she did not have the best intentions for me and my family. She was openly jealous of me and comparing me with her daughter constantly who was rich and had everything. Anyways she and her daughter were not reason for my sadness.

My story starts in Kosovo when I was a little girl. My brother passed away as a toddler and I was then born with same illness. Years took them to properly diagnose me and eventually I grew up out of it. I never truly understood what my sickness was but apparently I have been clinically "dead" before. All this was to go thru war and its damage.

We came to United States couple years later and since then things were never good in my family. My father became religious couple years ago and I have been religious now for a year and some.

Well, what really was going down in my family that was making me sad all the time is the fact that my parents never appreciated having daughter beside sons and was always left out.

All of this not being part of family took turn for worse in me that one time when they were gone I escaped and lived on my own for some time. Then it was haram relationship that I entered when I met this man. He was not Muslim, and of course  could not be good Muslim at all.

You see, I was always a spiritual person I would say as I was growing up, but when I met this man I was a beautiful disaster. Yes, beautiful disaster bcuz beauty that's what he seen in me and of course he saw right thru me. I was young girl at the time and I really didnt know that falling in Love could hurt soo much and trusting people blindly.

I didnt really know this man. He took advantage of me and would "borrow" money I worked hard for just to never return it and claim it his at first place.

Long story short relationship with him ended with disaster in itself. In last days of us dating he almost took my life 4-5 times. I was never same since. Still I have breathing problems due to stress and trauma I went thru in this relationship..

Nowadays, I live with my family. They still HATE me and my father just left for Hajj recently. He also does not talk to me since  above experience and has never got over it. He expects me to be Great Muslimah with hijab (which I have no problem with) and just plain "perfection" of a women but all of this to NEVER be satisfied.

I really believe that my father will NEVER ACCEPT me again after this and he is too old now to change his ways and he wont! He curses compulsive every time stress in amount of drop of water comes about and I believe that he is not real with Allah since of his daughter and his relationship. My mother plays good cop with on side with rest of the family..She says "Kasey, get merried it will be best for you".

My younger brother hates me with passion and uses my past against me, and my oldest sister calls me a "whore" since of my past that she is not even that aware of (having bf , leaving house, etc). She and rest of my family are demanding me to start paying rent soon even thou I have no job and go to school or as my siblings say I no longer will be able to live with them.

To sum all this up, I am super depressed and need love since it is gone in my life. Soon I have to find job and move out or just stay in my car and not create problems to anyone.

I want God to love me and I am soo disappointed in myself that I wanted to take my own life with poisoning myself with anti-depression pills..For Allah's sake how could I let myself come to this I know I would regret it in last moment..

Please Pray for my well being and my life, since I have no wish to keep going..


Ur Sister Kasey (22)

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20 Responses »

  1. Its quite depressing for me even after reading your story..but believe me u are always on the safe hands of ALLAH he never leaves his creature in agony ..this is your test sister.. a BIG test.. if u will be able to go through it without harming yourself and by putting ur faiths on HIM i am 100% sure your standards will be raised by Him in this dunya and akhirah..dont do any coward act by harming yourself through any mean u are the property of ALLAH u dont have any right on ur body...
    all u should do is to make abundant supplications... cry in front of ALLAH to grant you what you desire and to take you out of this pain .. keep ur salah regular ..salah is a cure to every trouble!
    keep on saying this
    recite "durood tunjaina" in great amount
    put all ur burden and faith on ALLAH and search for the job inshallah you will find one i am sure.. i can challenge you on that:keep ur salah regular and you will find the job!
    and dont even dare to think that ALLAH doesnt love you offcourse he do!! thats why He puts you on the trial ! he only put those in hardships whom he loves the most so that they come nearer to him and pray to him with desperation and believe.. let your family member say anything to you.. they will be ashamed and guilty of it in the future..pray that ALLAH put love in their hearts "HE IS THE ONLY TURNER OF THE HEART" just plop onto sajda and cry for his mercy...
    if you need anyhthing more to share contact me :
    these trial will wash away all your sins sister believe me all u have to do is to be patient..

  2. I know what you mean bro (sis) I get proper depressed sitting in my flat alone sometime i feel depressed so debilatating. I cant work It distracte me from my iman worse thing is I have someone who I would loved to get married with inshallah in january but parents, well you know what there like. And what they dont understand is i need companionshiop for god sakes it driving me crazy. I cant do any uni work becuase im sitting there thinking WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING, i just waste my day sleeping just like you or watching friggin youtube.

    I will say something as advice to you sis, look , allah is mericfull he loves you 70x more than your mother and if you ask for forgivness inshallah he will forgive you and that what everything boils down to sooner or later what allah has to say. family are always difficult trust me on that however they do say some sense some times..

    what your mum saying about you getting married will help you, belive me man when you have someone in your life who you can unload your stress on to and who keep you company you will understand (this is no me being corny) it human instinc character to have a companion.

    but before that sort your self out so you dont fall into this some hell hole. hobbies or something like that will help find something that will focus your energy.

    let me know how it goes, and remember there always hope for god sake no hope has hope in it (okay that was corny) lol

  3. wishing you best wishes for ur marriage woddy..would remember you both in prayers inshallah

  4. haha!send in the tickets then !:D
    well,just kidding! may ur wife makes ur way through akhirah and through this world and instill the love of prophets(pbuh) in ur childrens inshallah !

  5. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister

    Though my English is very bad, but I pray that Allah (S.W.T) will deliver my message clearly.

    I will actually not talk to you about how to resolve your family relationship problems, But I will rather talk about how to examine yourself and the relationship between you and the Almighty Allah, and your family relationship will be resolved automatically, if they are really for Allah (S.W.T), Insha'Allah.
    Anyway, your story looks very sad to me but at the same time it sounds as though Allah already loves you, and He is already guiding you and everyone by His mercy to a happy life. In Soorah al-Baqarah, Allaah tells us: "SURELY ALAAH LOVES THOSE WHO TURN UNTO HIM IN REPENTANCE AND (HE) LOVES THOSE WHO PURIFY THEMSELVES." [2:222].

    Allah loves us as long as we are repenting and purifying ourselves. The love of Allah is the ONLY eternal happiness. But for us to maintain the love of Allah and enjoy this eternal happiness (in our worldly life and the hereafter), we must follow the ways and teachings of the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.S). As he is the best role module for mankind. Allah Almighty says: "Say ( O' Muhammad to my savants): 'If you love Allah, then follow me and Allah will love you and forgive you for your wrong actions, Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 3 verse 31). And He says again: “There is indeed a good model for you in the Messenger of Allah – for the one who has hope in Allah and the Last Day, and remembers Allah profusely.” Quran 33 verse 21.

    Of course, none of us is perfect. We all have flaws, sins and mistakes. The Prophet (S.A.W.S) said: "Every Son of Adam is a Sinner, and the Best of Sinners are those who Repent".
    Allah says in the Holy Quran: "O my servants who have transgressed against their Souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful…Qur'an 39 verse 53.
    We should sake forgiveness of Allah for the past, and then be grateful to Allah for guiding us to the right path.

    We must keep our five times daily Slaats.
    We should pray to Allah mostly at nights, and ask Him anything we want in life.
    We should read the Holy Quran a lot and meditate its meanings.
    We should read stories of The Prophets (S.A.W.S) mostly in the field of patience and good morals.
    We should listen to lessons of Islamic scholars, and read their books as well.
    We should be friends with good Muslim brothers (if we are men) and sisters (if we are Women). As Allah (S.W.T) says: "O ye who believe! Fear Allah and be with those who are true."

    After being able to implement at least some of the above mentioned advices, our life will change Insha'Allah. And our family and friends will love us for our love for the Almighty Allah.
    I hope this helps, Insha'Allah.
    Allah (S.W.T) knows best.

  6. Essellamu Alleykum everyone.

    Thank you all for your genuine replies sister h, woody and Issah 😀
    Truly after each difficulty comes an ease, and after each difficulty comes an ease."

    Elhamdullilah, things have got better. There were no incidents happening since last one few weeks ago sometime after this post. My youngest brother got into verbal fight with me and went out of control grabbing knife from kitchen drawer. If my mother was not there to hold him back with all her strength he was out of control. This is considering also that he has anger issues from past. My mother held him down somehow, I have no idea how since he is very strong. I just stood in corner of living room, in moment of realizing my death was coming to sound of knife coming out of drawers.
    I was cold and could not move.

    Allah saved me , SubhanAllah. But this was definitely a lesson learned.
    NO more trying to resolve things with these people.
    I have put "dot" on end of this relationship, and left rest to Allah not for Dunya but for Ahirah to resolve.

    I give up on my family. It is just matter of some income when I will move out.
    I can still somehow have some compassion for my parents from distance.
    It is better this way.

    And Yes I do cry and Pray to Allah for salvation, I have been soo broken..
    When does all this end...How can humans be like this? Have such lack of compassion towards their children and hate them. How can brother hate his sister soo much?? Did I kill someone he loved??
    NO..I didnt! We truly have people with twisted hearts.

    Again thank you for your positive encouragement. I truly appreciate it and it makes me feel much better.

    • asalikum bro (sis),

      okay what your brother did is totaly off belive me I know becuase i have been on both side of the story. my sister still does it to me but she doesnt understand and that cool and thing do get heated up in the moment. my point is that it was never right for any of us. let me guess tho your brother probably about 17-19+-. boys are so unmature at that age i should know becuase i used to be and stil am.... to some extent ....( what I gotta defend my self :). the kid probably think there big and defending there family honour etc. but your brother should ask this question to himself.

      1. could he live with killing his own flesh and blood , and think about this kassey bro before you answer im not talking about the cliche flesh and blood im taking your own sister who blood runs to the same veins as your and who is the only connection to you after your mother and father have passed, the onlky human on this earth who will truly be there come rain wind or shine. cus let me tell you if you think freind will be there or wife/girlfreind even they go (not all of them). Or shall i remind you of the prophet who was sold out to the homosexual i cant remember the prohpet name by his wife. allah save us from that or in your case husband :).

      2. can he live with a family feud? these family feud last for tiiimmmmme and it your kids ia and his kids ia who pay for it, it like something out of romeo and juliet , seriously.. and i gurantte you both of you will be saying to yourself why did we start this and over something small becuase that how it works. you know shaitain is so sly bro. i heard this one story where someone asked shaitian asked this person how do you cause confilct and shaitain say just whatch.

      so he goes to a food stall (errugh sound so american lol) and he dips his finger in some honey and then wips it on a fruit.
      the honey then attracts a fly , the fly then attracts a curious cat , the cat then attracts a passing dog, and before you know it the owner comes out crazy as hell at the dog owner and a fights start. apparently if my memoery serves me right theis fights went on for 40 years.

      so you see how from somthing so small caused so much problems.

      this is just a couple of question, these days people a so quick to do the crime but not the time.

      anyway let me know how it goes

    • oh btw dont give up on your family keep in touch with them but dont be in the face, i dont want to say this but soemtimes you have to loose something before you know its worth.

  7. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Kasey

    I did not know your family issue is as serious as that. Knife from your own brother??! That is really too far. I will suggest marriage to a good Muslim brother, who will love and protect you for the sake of Almighty Allah

    May Almighty Allah help you

  8. Essellamu Alleykum
    Thank You Woody. I would say that you are right about him realizing what he has done after Allah forbid he killed me. But my question to you is now, why anyone with a genuinely good heart want to stab/kill someone??Do you really think that person would "truly" repent for that later on in their life? :/

    I mean, there are criminals in America who killed people and when taken in jail and after long time put on evaluation and questioning they still do not repent for what they have done...even ones that killed children or molested and killed them..can you believe this..and also they proved when they did study on these that they had chemical inbalance in their brains which was triggerring them to do evil acts. So it is not all fully from the ultimate deceiver (sheytan).
    My younger brother(same guy) has history of arrests due to his anger and violence.
    At younger age almost ended in juvenille if it was not for us. Luckily, SubA he came thru.
    Yes, he is about 20. But that does not excuse his violent behavior.
    I was 20 years old once, had my moments but never thought about stabbing anyone.

    Worse thing is my mother talks some senses to him but in way that it's not that big of a deal just to scare him a bit I guess. He never listens , even older cuzin who wants to kick his butt. He is not afraid of him either.
    I don't know I just feel being alone I can unwind and start fresh. Allah is Sufficient for me, when people fail me. Truly believe that now.

  9. Thank you sister h, I am trying very hard to find job now. I am in school so have to find good timing.
    InshAllah I will email you with anything further.

    Issah, yes it is actually. I was not suprised about it thou violence happened before in our home.
    May Allah guide them and all of us IA.


  10. AsSalaamu Alaikum.

    You are right Sister. It is not always from Shaitan. When the soul or heart is sick it can also lead us to do wrong things. As it was in the case of the two children of Adam.

    The Holy Quran states: "The (selfish) soul of the other (brother) led him to the murder of his brother: he murdered him, and became (himself) one of the lost ones."

    In the above verse, it says the soul and did not mention the Shaitan.

    Anyway, we should pray for your brother. If it is the Shaiytan, may he be guided by Allah. And if it is a sickness in the soul or heart, may he be cured by Allah!

  11. Salam
    just watch this video on youtube. Its just a 3 min video so type 'power of repentance' by TheMercifulServant. This story will make a lot of sense to u and in sha allah u will feel very optimistic. You will find out how much Allah (swt) loves u sister.

  12. May allah bless you and your family.

  13. im a 19 year old girl.

  14. Assalama alaikum sister i've to tell you That you've to be strong and have hope,and your siblings should not be rude to you because everyone makes mistakes in life and your family should support you for who you are and encourage you for becoming better or finding a job. Talk to them about how you feel and if they dont understand they will inshallah,your past cant be Done so try to make your life right now better..pray and seek forgiveness from the almighty lord,ask allah to make it easy for you. Be kind Love yourself! Saalam!

  15. Hi Is it allowd in islam to meet the girl who hate me before proposing her. First I were friend at her then she started to hate me. Is it allowd to meet her when she started to hate me in islam before proposing her.

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