IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Hi,

I just want to say that I know that it is really wrong to have a boyfriend at all in the first place. Maybe that's the cause of all these problems 🙁  I dont know anymore,  but I would just like to say when all this started in my life I was not a religous person.

My family is very religious, and so is his, but I wasn't very religious when all of this began.

I understand that I made many mistakes in my life throughout all of this, and I know it is wrong and I regret so much of it 🙁 This is some background information on how it all started so that you understand what all has happened:

So I have had this boyfriend for 4 years now, and I guess now that I think about it, we were never happy.

When this relationship first started, I guess you could say we were VERY happy, but it wasn't real because I hid things from him. Not huge things, but I would tell my best friend (since I was 5) everything- even if he told me not to. I was always to used to telling her everything in my life because she was my best friend, and that's what I was used to. I didn't really realize I had to stop that. She was always my number one, and I didn't realize that he should be my number one. (I will refer to her as bff1).

I also had another best friend since I was 7 (referring to her as bff2).  I didn't usually tell her anything he told me not to, except once we were having a very personal conversation and she was sharing her secrets with me and I told her a secret about my boyfriend that I shouldn't have and I wasn't supposed to. I realized I shouldn't have told her, but I didn't tell my boyfriend that I had.

So me and my boyfriend were very much on both sides of being religous and not religious, sort of trying to coexist with haram and halal. We made sure that we would never have sex with each other or anything until marriage. We still have not done so and I'm happy about that, but at the same time we still did things like make out- which is wrong, I understand. 🙁

So back then, I developed this problem with masturbating.  I never broke my hymen or anything. I don't want to go in detail because I am so ashamed of my actions, and have never told anyone about this except my boyfriend, but I want you to fully understand my situation. Ao at that time I used to sometimes look at pictures on the internet of bad things also. I always felt SO guilty and asked Allah for forgiveness, but I couldn't stop doing it. This was because me and my boyfriend did things together (like make out). We never went further than that, and I guess that is why I did it.

I hated it everytime I did it. Afterward I would feel this insanely guilty feeling of wanting to throw up, and I hated myself. But I kept going back to it always and I just hated this. At that time I stopped praying because I felt like Allah doesn't need someone as disgusting as me to pray to Him, and my prayers are probably not being accepted either. I told my boyfriend about the problem, but not in so much detail. I told him it was only a few times, and I didn't tell him about the pictures.

At that time he wasn't very religious either, but he was still more religious than me-  always trying to convince me I should still pray and everything. He was hurt and really sad for a long time, but he said if I never do it again he will forgive me so I agreed not to The problem is a few months later my boyfriend went through this emotional and religious breakthrough because of a long term life and death situation that happened with him. During that time I did touch myself again once or twice. I felt really guilty but I promised myself never to do it again, and that time I really didn't.

So as our relationship went on after this we were very happy for a long time. We had a couple arguments here and there, but for the most part we were fine. We were intending on getting married because we did not want to sin anymore. I was only 16 at that time, but I didnt want to sin anymore and I hated the guilty feeling inside of me from sinning. So we told our parents, and basically his parents wanted us to get married and were fine with it, but my parents did NOT agree. They didn't want this at all and they went crazy. I explained to them how I don't want to sin by being with him, and they said 'wait 6 years and never see him again until then, and maybe if you still like him we MIGHT let you marry him'.

I hated this, and although it sounded like a fair deal on their behalf, it wasn't fair because we already felt married to each other and we can't just leave. Imagine your parents telling you that you can't see your husband anymore for 6 years unless they approve. I wanted to GET MARRIED, because I knew 100% that I could not stay away from him and the only way to prevent these sins any longer was marriage.

The only times we ever saw each other was school anyway. During lunch we would hang out, never outside of that. So I continued to see him and talk to him. And then he gave me this promise ring, swearing that we would get married in shaa allah, and we were very focused on that. Then it was summer time, and we would just only text and all.

I don't want to get into how this happened, but one day he found out about me telling bff2 about a secret of his which was very personal to him, and he was really mad at me and we got into a HUGE fight. Everything was really horrible, but I told him I wouldn't tell her anything ever again. After that day he began to change drastically. He started to attack things I loved (I am a girly girl and I love makeup and clothes and those things). He began to take those away and said I can't wear makeup anymore, and I can't wear what I want. I didn't dress inappropriately as my parents are pretty religious, but he would attack everything. I was really mad at first, but I dealt with it. As soon as he saw that I could deal with it, he gave me even more rules. By the way, at that time I wasn't very religious. I am way more religious now, but not as much anymore.

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