Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Evil inside family and related

Family shattered by husband's addiction

Salam aleycum!

I wanted to move where one of my half cousin is living ten years ago, around 10 or 9 months before I moved I called him and he wasn’t really for it talking about my school which I was in my last year of high school. I was 20 my dad Allahi Rahmu was enabled to walk for more than ten years after a coma our family incomes were kinda low. I always wanted to live where my half cousin is living because it’s a country of opportunity so around a month and plus before I got there I receive a call from his daughter who I’m 3 or 4 years older telling me to not say nothing to her dad about our call. He kinda old like more than 20 years separating us so there I considered his daughter as my body who I can keep this so called secret. It happened that she was keeping on calling me almost every day “like almost” to ask me one day if me and her could be in relationship one day. I can remind being a bit immature deep in the deen because of the fact that I was a teenager who used to be really down with the masjid activities (visiting the neighborhood,sleeping at the masjid etc) I told her that I didn’t think so and maybe she wasn’t really serious about what she was asking because of her age when she started to cry which really hurt me because it wasn’t my intention. After this we still made it up and we were calling each other. Inchallah one day she could be my “halal” so she told me I could find a place to rent then I got there but it happens that they were no place to rent opened so she asked me to come over to her house but I didn’t inform her dad but she told her mom I was here and her dad got aware so I got to their house.

Now the problem once there is that after two days spending at their house my h/cousin curse me that I could go to jail and that he knows that I will which was approved by his daughter and wife then that I couldn’t have a job neither have citizenship (unbelievable). At this moment my heart start beating for the first time like it never before but with the trust of Allah I passed over his and their saying and after 2 weeks I got my own place found a job two months later.

I had hard time at my job plus I had put myself in school to better my language in the country. My boss was coming from the same country as my parents and was stressing a lot until one day after three months working there I heard him saying to my manager why I wasn’t locked up yet I didn’t understand directly to think of it but my heart beat the same way as when my h/cousin cursed me before that night. I’m far from being a bad dude I’m quiet really attentive and respectful. So I spend four years living and working trying to better my living unfortunately I didn’t make to the citizenship but I end up spending 12 months in jail got out planning to marry my h/cousin daughter have to find a job during probation to get caught by the immigration after three months outside and spending three months behind bars and got deported after fighting my case and losing my dad (Allahi Rahmu)

I remember that since I got there I always told to myself that for a family member and a person who spend over 22 years in a country where the opportunity is very vast I still don’t understand why I got cursed this way plus my h/cousin daughter was always here before I get in trouble like magic when it was hard for me to breathe. Some people around me were saying that it could be jealousy.

Till today I’m still confused me and her I guess loved each other but yesterday I saw that she got married I was devasted knowing that even since I came back four years ago I had a good job living at my sister’s place paying her rent after she decided to throw me out. I’m thirty living at my mom house arguing with her all the time because she keep on talking to my sister who could help me find my own place and make me having a Halal marriage like most of my friends instead of just taking my money. I’m getting no income trying to get back up but it’s getting worst and worst.

I feel like I need help because I know I might be able to go back there I don’t know how exactly but I really want to make it since very young and here I stopped working by dealing with racism and immature people around. The weight was getting heavy.

I really wanted to know what happened to me because sometimes I don’t sleep and this could been for ten years I really need help.

Moh

 

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1 Responses »

  1. Wallaykumasalam Moh,

    You write:

    "I’m thirty living at my mom house arguing with her all the time because she keep on talking to my sister who could help me find my own place and make me having a Halal marriage like most of my friends instead of just taking my money. I’m getting no income trying to get back up but it’s getting worst and worst./I feel like I need help because I know I might be able to go back there I don’t know how exactly but I really want to make it since very young and here I stopped working by dealing with racism and immature people around. The weight was getting heavy."

    I know it's been a dream of yours to relocate to your cousin's home country, and you have already overcome quite a few challenges, each of a different nature, in trying to relocate successfully. I also understand that you feel kind of "used" in that you are giving your family money and yet you feel they are not helping you realize your dream.

    First of all, the money you are giving, give for the sake of Allah only. If you are feeling angry at them and used after giving them money, it means that your focus has shifted from doing it to please Allah to expecting a reward from doing this very good deed. If you can't control your expectations in this matter, it may actually be better to stop doing it for awhile, as you don't want to feel resentful of them. You can continue giving money later when it is easier for you. I mean, you don't even have a comfortable job of your own in your current country!

    Along those lines, it has to be so hard working in your current location if you feel you are being discriminated against, but could you apply for other jobs, even if they are less paying, just to keep yourself employed and doing something productive until you are able to move to your desired country? Every little bit helps, and you could save some of it if you are living with your mother or sister, as you don't have rent payments.

    Keep your head up brother. I won't tell you to give up on your dream as I know that is really important to you, but do realize that if it becomes really painful to keep pursuing it, giving up on your dream is not failure. Rather, it's a test of your judgement. If the difficulty of your dream gives you too much stress, then you would be correctly deciding not to pursue it (if it comes to that).

    Inshallah you will be seen through this difficult time by the Most Wise and come to a decision or compromise that makes you happy.

    Salam.

    Nor

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