Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to deal with evil mother and sister

Narcissistic personality disorder


First of all, I am a 40-year-old western educated university academic, who has always tried to abide by Islam, so I don't need lectures on religion.  If you are incapable of understanding that evil can reside inside a mother, then refrain from responding.  Mother who abort babies, abandon a new-born out of shame, abandon their kids when there is no one to help raise them, and even participate in honor killings of their daughters, are prime examples of maternal evil.

I come from a family made dysfunctional due to my mother, who is an extreme case of a Narcissistic Personality disordered mother.  As a result of her worship of this duniya, she has wronged everyone: from my deceased father, a morally upright and righteous man; my erstwhile dutiful eldest brother, who has now cut himself off from the family; my 47 year old divorced sister who is like my mother; and me, who did her best up until 2 years ago to support and love my mother.

Narcissistic mothers are envious of their children, and especially the daughters.  They often pick a male child as a favorite.  My mother picked my second brother (the black sheep of the family) as her favorite.  Over the years, she cleverly transferred to him the cash, the car and finally the house, which my father left behind, always making sure that she cooked up some logic to satisfy everyone.  Meanwhile, she expected my eldest brother, my divorced sister and later me, to support her and the house.  This has continued for 22 years now.

My mother was always a toxic presence in my life.  Even when I was a child, she physically, verbally and emotionally abused me severely, while hypocritically presenting herself as a gentle, soft and sweet woman to others.  Throughout my life, I have seen her fly into these unfounded fits of rage, which are characteristic of narcissists.  She would never do that in front of my black sheep brother, even if he has spread lies with serious professional and social consequences for others, borrowed money from siblings and defaulted, and on one occasion, even caused damage to sensitive military equipment, when my father had to bail him out.  She has unconditional love and support for him, inspite of his flawed character.  She is incredibly two-faced, as far as I am concerned.  As I have always striven to be the best Muslim I could be, I always did the most I could, for who I now realize to be my selfish, abusive and ungrateful mother.

In Islamic cultures, proposals are routed through families, and my sister and mother have always deflected mine.  I am well educated and attractive, and have received many proposals, and they always cooked up stories about how the extended family and the neighbors were all envious of me, and someone or the other sabotaged things for me.  Over the years, my sister blatantly sabotaged two marriage proposals routed through her.  Two years ago, I caught my mother red handed, telling off a very good proposal coming from my father's relatives.  It was then that I was shocked out of my stupor, and my extensive reading in psychology, informed me of Narcissistic mothers.  I communicated my disappointment and hurt to her, but she lacks a conscience, and she was nonchalant about everything,  This caused me to become distant and uncaring towards her.  Her response was to come out in the open, and actively rally my sister against me, who is as embittered and envious as her.  A few months ago, I again caught her red handed, rejecting another proposal, by falsely stating that I said no.  Both she and my sister gang up on me, and do their best to oppress and humiliate me.

I firmly believe in Allah, and that this is all a trial, and that when He wills it, then they will not be able to prevent my marriage.  However, I don't want these two diabolical women to have any part in the proposals I receive, my wedding and my marital life.   I need advice on how to handle this painful and abnormal situation.

- StallionHorse

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26 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum StallionHorse,

    I hope this finds you doing better than when you posted, but if not, we can hopefully provide you with some help. I am truly sorry that your family has been rejecting your proposals so frequently and that most frustratingly, you are not even conferred with at those times. However, I am going to give some advice that helps to bring the focus back on you, as that is what is often lost for victims of narcissistic abuse.

    Firstly, as painful as your circumstances are, I would avoid the temptation to diagnose your mother with NPD yourself. A personality disorder as specified in the DSM manual can only be diagnosed by a trained professional such as a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. Having read all those psychological materials as you did, it is easy to fall into that trap, especially considering that narcissists are notorious for not seeking help for their condition on their own, but your diagnosing and labeling her as such will only get you so far.

    As a daughter who is still living with her mother, you may actually be doing yourself a disservice in diagnosing her, because once you do, you will interpret every comment made by her, every action taken by her, in the light of narcissism, and may miss out on Allah's greater plan for you here. And what I believe you need here is a deeper healing that spirituality and a connection to Allah can help you with alone... as Allah created you and your mother both, knows your experience, every tear fallen, and what is in each of your hearts best.

    You yourself mention that you believe this is a trial for you, and rightly so, as it is one of the hardest trials, I believe, that a human being can be faced with. You are doing the best you can with the circumstances that you were given.

    Have you thought about Allah's purpose for you in this life? Is there something that really makes you excited? Is there something that really gives you comfort? For that is where you deserve to put your attention sweetie. Try to be open-minded about your future and think about/plan your own goals and dreams aside from marriage. Marriage will come as Allah has decreed it and no one will be able to stop it when it does as you say. The more time and energy you put towards the things you love or in pampering yourself, the less of an effect your mother's actions will have on you.

    This is not to minimize your struggle at all...indeed, if you ever feel lonely with your struggle, you could participate or read on a forum for those in a similar situation. One website you may like is "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" or You may also want to try to go to counseling with a Psychologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) or Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). These are all professionals familiar with the personality disorders and the effect they have on those around them.

    You can also ask Allah for help from the bottom of your heart whenever you are very desperate, as is often the case with vicitims of narcissitic abuse. Try the dua: Rabbi inni lemaa anzalta illaya min khairin faker ("My lord! I am needy of whatever good you send down for me")

    Inshallah through your focus on yourself and reaching out to the One who created you, your life will become beautiful...indeed, you may even start to find a beauty in your trial. Remember, the greater the hardship, the greater the ease. Allah is preparing you to receive something really, really special Inshallah.


    • Sounds like you don't know women they are all the same emotional creaturesc

      • Jhon,

        I am a woman myself with the same kind of parents as this sister, so I know quite well what this sister is going through. Think twice before throwing stones.


    • I'm disappointed with this response because i feel like as usual its just taken lightly and brushed under the carpet. I myself have had a similar toxic environment due to a narcissist mother and favoured sibling. She was also very abusive and drank too. What i struggle and get really frustrated with is the fact that the victim and the effects these narcissistic types have on victim's is never considered. 15 years later I now suffer with depression anxiety and self harm after years of living with my mother who was like this no matter how patient and forgiving i was. My only support was from a therapist she was the only one who advised me i should not stay in this unhealthy toxic environment that affects daughters hugely psychologically even later on in life. To me your undermining the diagnosis when the mother clearly fits the discription of what a narcissist is. Ask any professional psychologist what the traits and behaviours are of these types of people and its clear from this girls statement they tick every box and its not an isolated incident this is years and years of being treated this way. There comes a point where you need to remove yourself from the situation for your own sanity and to save your own mental health. Its unfair to expect someone to stay in in an environment that is clearly abusive, and encouraging that to me is wrong, because what your saying is the victims mental health doesn't matter.
      You should not have to keep relations with people who are abusing and damaging you continuously. Family or not, they know what they are doing and can choose not too.

  2. Dearest sister,

    I also want to recommend that, if possible, you try to think of your mother as a human, rather than as a narcissist (if you find that you must label her somehow). The reason I say this is that people are more complicated than just the disorder they have, and that's something that becomes clearer as we get older.


  3. May Allah put you in a path where your heart will be appease and you will feel better with a lot of confidence

  4. Assalamu alaikum Sister,

    I believe what your saying is a true account rather than a one-sided opinion and I am so sorry about what you have been through.

    I think the overall tone of the first comment is too sympathetic towards your mother. We all know the sayings regarding mothers, nevertheless not every baby bearer is deserving of the title of mother.

    I disagree that you have to live this sentence and be patient for someone, albeit the woman who bore you, to suddenly realise that you are her lovely, intelligent and beautfiul ma'sha' Allah daughter. And your sister must have been corrupted or share similar traits to your mother.

    Motherhood is a tough job especially without a father. However, there are too many injustices here. We also know how one should not especially discuss the faults of our parents but in this case there clearly is hasad, which is a great evil and this is harming your life. If your patience is tested to the extreme, this could push you to something haram.

    The injustice of favouring one child over an other is advised against in Islam. I'm sorry I am not backing up what I am saying with quotes but that is for the reader to go and seek knowledge for themselves. At the end of the day, apply logic, as that is what we ultimately aim to do when we reason with ourselves whether something is right or wrong. Interesting to note that she favours the evil child, Awful parents who have favourites are corrupt and are drawn to their own flaws in their offspring.

    Doctors advise against making internet diagnoses but at the end of the day, you are educated and you can read into these subjects and make an informed decision. I did the same and came up with the same result when analysing my sorry excuse of a human being ex hub (turned his back on his daughters- pure evil).

    At the end of the day, I wold advise to do as your good brother has done, for we live for Allah at the end of the day and that woman is setting up obstacles in your path to Allah. I'm sorry but I feel angry. At the end of the day you want the best for your kids, better than you had yourself and so on. If they could see your wounds from her emo abuse, then they wouldn't be so quick to type 'you mustn't severe ties with family' which applies to an actual family that love and care for you despite any shortcomings. Again failure to apply logic and brainlessly humming this as a mantra. Otherwise it means that people can treat you like dirt but you will tolerate it because you are related? No.

    Plan your exit and vow to be firm. I hope you have some good friends who can just be there for moral support. I know this will be hard since your invested your income into a home that's earmarked for the black sheep. Write it off- your intention was sincere and In sha'a Allah, it will be noted as a good deed and an act of charity.

    You have right to your own life and unfortunately' Time! Man is indeed in loss'- Surah Al Asr . Waste no more of it and In sha'a Allah you have a wonderful husband and family life as what you deserve. Don't feel down anymore. Remember we can only truly be disappointed in someone who we know is better, not people who we expect the worse off. You will simply do yourself a disservice wasting energy trying o understand why. I see your test as being in a harmful family except for your late father and elder brother.

    Take care In sha Allah

  5. Aslamo alikum to all
    In islam if mother has given rights she is also assigned duties towards her children and she will be answerable for that. I have never read anywhere that a mother wont be answerable for her deeds and she is always right. A mother is a human being and she commits sins as normal human beings do. Your mother and mine are not very different sister. I am also of your age. At this stage i am tired of her attitude and i totally cut off from her thats what i can do to save me and get out of stressful situations.Allah knows I am really disappointed and tired thats why i took this step. Do not let people drain happiness out of you get rid of them.Allah knows all and He is merciful.

    • AOA Fumber Faraz,

      Could you please advise on steps that can be taken to cut off ties when you depend on them. Thanks.

      • Asslaaamualaykum Sister Ayesha,

        I just want to step in here to help you.

        I'm not going to embellish anything here. When you are dependant on your parents, the way to "cut off ties," is not going to be easy. It is more of an "emotional cutting off" rather than an actual cutting off and not speaking. The reason I say this is that Allah has created a family bond between you and your family, and that is a very strong bond indeed.

        Now, this is not to say that you should tolerate abuse or mistreatment. Far from it. You should be VERY vocal about your need for respect and your need for your family to respect your boundaries (i.e. what is comfortable for you and what is not).

        Allah has given you a mouth with which to speak, no? So use it to fight for your rights as a child in Islam.

        You may talk and talk, though, and they may not do anything to reverse their behavior or amend it. In that case, it will be very important for you to make a list of everything you are good at. It could be the smallest thing, like "smiling at strangers," or grooming yourself. It could also be something bigger like "art" or "photography." When you have finished the list, you will Inshallah see that Allah has provided you with a lot! You should spend your time focusing on your talents and abilities. This will be your way of "cutting off ties" and flying free on your own. Now are you literally flying or even on your own? Of course not, but if you invest yourself in the things you are good at, you'll be spending less of your time on worrying about the negatives in your life and will feel more independent and close to Allah.

        This is no easy task, but I promise you that when you take even the smallest steps to focusing on yourself rather than on the people around you, you will feel more hopeful.

        Take this as a first step to feeling better. Once you gain confidence, you can then start looking for a job or a volunteer position that is fulfilling for you.

        May Allah grant you peace, comfort, purpose, and joy. Ameen.



  6. Dear Admin... m sorry m posting here but I dnt know how to contact admin... please publish my post m in dire need of advise.

    • punjabian, we don't have any post submitted by you under this email address that you are using now.

      Wael Editor

  7. dear sister i did not read your post completely even i know how to deal with such family u just need to cut them off even if they are ur parents. ur mom and sis are kafirs so cut them off its not a sin i did the same with my parents they were toxic and negetive people my father was a hypocrite but tehy are dead now i do miss them . they did not deserve to be a part of my life. Loving someone who doesnot appreciate u is just plain stupid. You are just being a scape goat and ur mom and sis are suckling up all your energy. Your brother is an intelligent man like me he also cut off negetive people. So u can learn a lesson from this never let negetive people into ur life stop wasting ur time asking solutions from islamic websites because their judgement is not reliable a counselor can give u better advice. Most people will tell u to keep ties with ur mom and sis because they dont feel wat u are going through but i went through the same thing as u so i can tell u from my exp[erience not matter how much u love them they wont love u back so cout thyem off.

  8. Again really sorry to post irrelevant... I am unable to understand what's wrong as I follow all instructions to submit post and press blue button " submit for preview" . My post is visible to me in pending post from 9April but still not posted. Please admin help me.

  9. Salam,

    You need to get a Wali for your self and try to go around her.

  10. Hi sister, I'm a Somali American woman who also has a narc mom. People in the Muslim community and others don't understand this disorder. It is especially devastating when you have a narc mom because a mother can make or break you. In the case of a narcissistic personality disordered mom she will break and destroy you. Narcs lack empathy and are incapable of love, so you have to stop thinking your mom as someone who will love you. I know it's sad because we want our moms to love us like we love them, but they see you as competition that is merely an object that they must get narc supply from. In Islam, we are told to respect our moms but these people are demon possessed in a way, and being around them will cause you to act in rage. They eat away at your self-esteem and self worth. My mom has been mentally abusing me since I remember. She would overly criticize me and emotionally abuse me. She would compare me to other girls and value them more than me. When I cried to her about my pain, she would have no empathy. She would call me crazy and has turned everyone in my life against me through her smear campaigns to make me look like a disobidient daughter.I never remember a mom who would hug and say she loved me. No matter how hard I worked for her approval she would always make me feel never good enough, but would see the good in everyone else. It's a sad disorder, but this is the test Allah has chosen for us. The best you can do is remove yourself from her home, and go no contact to low contact. These people will never change, there is no pill they can take for this personality disorder to get better. They live off of draining your energy, life is too short for such abuse walahi. Get out of that sunken place.

  11. To be brutally honest with you also, your mom has made you codependent. You are 40 years old and allowing her to make decisions for you in your life? Being that I suffered like you, I can understand but sister forget about this guilt and go live your life away from these demons. I can't call them human beings. Find a man on your own, they don't want your happiness. Also I would love to communicate with you as I don't meet Muslims who face this but I do think narcissistic personality disorder is very common in the Ummah. My facebook is Amal Queenie, my snapchat is @angelina_soma. I wish you the best, this is heart breaking. These people who answered you who want you to have contact with your narc mom never face this type of abuse and they will never understand the cruelty of this abuse. Insha'Allah we will heal one day.

  12. Hello Sister

    I understand your situation my mother used triangulation on all my brothers and sisters and anyone who I kept in contact with within the community. I only discovered my mother was a NARC in January 2018 she ruined my education and life. I am rebuilding and all I can say is that in our culture there is too much emphasis on the mother and people do not understand nor do they have this knowledge. I will never let my mum or my family know what she and her so called golden child is, the next generation NARC is because knowledge is power. If you know better, keep it and use it, get out of such a bad situation. You cannot get sympathy because lets say you suffer for 5 years, 10 years it does not matter because at the end of the day my mother could just cry once in front of some people and she has got the sympathy (Islamic sympathy). You cannot fight that you cannot beat that, instead use the knowledge you have and start rebuilding today. When god judges us we get judged on who we are and what we are, the status of those mothers is elevated who believe in the entire book and not just one part that may benefit them, also remember gods ruling is above all else, oppression, lies. manipulation, arrogance and pride all go against the teachings in islam.

    I wish you good luck, you are not alone and start rebuilding your life. best of luck.

  13. My problem is that that I am aware that my mother is narcissist, two faced and manipulator. Not only that she uses Islam to manipulate and make you do things she wants her way. If you refuse (mind you I am 40 years old) she will make of you as the disobedient to her parents and makes dad against you and even other family members. Throughout my life I was forbidden to talk to uncles aunts or cousins because to her they are just nosy. She took care of talking to them for years little that I knew she painted us ( her children) as the bad and her as the old lady who is suffering from every illness in the book ( nothing diagnosed)
    she does have her favorite daughter who can do whatever she wants she even hides everything that she does from us. I decided to leave everything to the side and just deal with her personality because after all she is my mother. I go to her every day buy her things to my absolute best to please her ( dress however she wants me to) raise my kids to her satisfaction ( which is really too much to deal with mentally but I am dealing with it). However she is still not satisfied she told me that if I am being nice and doing this out of maliciousness then I will see that my son will do the same. I am just puzzled what would I gain? even being perfect is not perfect?! I feel like I never have my life I am not even entitled to friends nor an opinion. sacrificing all of that and I am not appreciated? What should I do?

    • Your mother doesn't love you. She doesn't have the capacity to love. If you allow your children to grow up as per her rules, she will abuse them too.

      The only way is to cut complete contact. You can not change a narcissist. No matter how hard you try it will not work. Stop wasting your time and life, the only way to break the cycle is to cut ties completely.

      No one should put up with mental torture, and it is not against islam to cut ties with family members who harm you in this way.

      Ignorant muslims will continue to tell you, you must love her no matter what. They have no idea the problems your mother has caused, they can not relate to your situation. The only solution is to go NO CONTACT.

      • Agree with above commentor.

        You cannot let anyone dictate what you can do and not do. You are living with a typical backward South Asian mother in law. Oh wait...this is your own blood mother. I have no say. I mean she does all those nasty things because you allow her. She does not own you. This is not Islam. You have to live your own life. Not a life to please her and that's what she matter what she will never be happy. She is happy making your life miserable. Be a strong woman and stand on your feet. Don't let anyone control your life.

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