My ex wife wants me back now that I’ve remarried
Aslm all,
Please give me advice. I was married for 3 years to my ex wife. Unfortunately we got a divorce with a child due to various reasons. I tried my best to get back with my ex wife during, before and after our divorce pending in court. When I knew she wouldn't be getting back with me, I got married to someone else via an arranged marriage. Now, when I came back to the USA from back home, my ex wife is interested in getting back with me. I don't know what to do. I have feelings for and find attracted to my ex wife, which I don't have with my new wife.
Ya allah, please help me, why have You led me to this path? I have a child that I have to keep thinking about. I see him once every two weeks. I don't want to hurt my new wed wife and everyone else; but again I have to think of what's best for me. As for my new wife- I don't find myself attracted to her at all, nor do I like to have any intimacy with her. Please help and guide me.
-bismillah01
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OP: I don't want to hurt my new wed wife and everyone else; but again I have to think of what's best for me. As for my new wife- I don't find myself attracted to her at all, nor do I like to have any intimacy with her. Please help and guide me.
Do you expect people to say "best for you will be to have a secret relationship with your ex" and keep your new wife as a maid?
Why did you marry the second woman if you did not find attracted to her at all?
You have to think "what is best for you and your wife" not just what is best for you.
Do what makes u happy, u can't force urself to be
with Sumone that ur not happy with. It's hard but better to be honest than
Have a secret relationship with ur ex. Maybe u two are just meant to be.
N: Maybe u two are just meant to be.
Not really, they tried it once and divorced. His first wife may need to do a halala with another man or imam before she can be with this guy
Dude marry in polygany if she accepts...if not (ex) move on. You may find good in your new wife give it time to grow.
This is why divorce and re-marriage are life decisions that should not be made hastily.
You both have gotten yourselves into a pickle. Unfortunately, not every problem has a happy solution. Your ex decided to divorce and so did you, and, you decided to re-marry.
You and your ex wife must live with the consequences of your decision. You are now married. Please respect that marriage and build a life with your new spouse. Try to stay involved in the life of your child, but cut off all contact with your ex unless it has to do with child care decisions (i.e. medical/school/dental etc).
Lots of people want to be with someone they were once/are attracted to or in love with but they can't. Its part of life and you will eventually adjust to the decisions you have made. And remember -- YOU made these decisions, NOT Allah.
Agreed.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i agree. your ex had her chance and you had 90 days thru the iddat on whether or not you wanted her and to keep her.
your new wife deserves to be shown respect not only by you also by your ex.
your ex has no rights with you anymore, just your child.
To me, I believe you rushed into getting married to your second wife. Second of all you are a man, capable for saying yes or no and being a man about everything. Your ex. Even though your still attracted to her and she wants to come back to you, well honestly it's her lost, she shouldn't have turned away from you when you were trying to win her back. Please give your second wife a chance, maybe she is the one for you. Don't mistreat her or hurt because it would just be haram. One more thing, don't say why Allah led you to this path, Allah didn't force you on to nothing. He gave you a brain and wanted to think, you are the one who choose to go this path and don't blame it on arrange marriage.
Be smart and make wise decision and inchallah with prayers and duaa you will start a new life with your wife.
Your new wife is the inocent party in all this; how can you be the one to ruin her life; out of no fault of her own!?
Can you live with that?
As for do what makes you happy you cant force yourself to be with someone your not happy with as n adviced you; you have to face Allah one day; you will be accountable for distroying this girls life!
And also you cant get back with your first wife after you divorced her just like that;she will have to get married to someone else be physical with him; get divorced from him then you are allowed to re marry her!
Divorce is not a small thing!
Assalaamualaikam
Technically, so long as the couple have not separated with three talaqs (if only one or two divorces have taken place), they can re-marry without either of them having to marry someone else. However, in this case, the man has already re-married, and made a new commitment to his new wife - having made this commitment, he should do his best to honour it.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalaamualaikam
You may have rushed into things with your new wife, but regardless, you have made a commitment to her. This woman has agreed to build a home and a life with you. You may not feel a strong connection between the two of you yet, but inshaAllah this will come with time and shared experiences - true love develops within the framework of a marriage, and will not always be instant. Remind yourself of why you decided to marry your new wife and spend time and effort building a relationship with her.
You and your ex-wife will have shared a lot over the years. It's understandable that you might still have some feelings of attraction for her - at times of great change, we often find that we look to familiar people and things for reassurance. But remember: Your ex left you and refused to reconcile at every stage of the divorce. Marriages encounter difficulties, but walking away from those difficulties and from the marriage means that the problems will still be there.
Now that you have divorced, you and your ex need to re-define your relationship. The two of you need to establish a functioning system of parenting, so that the two of you are involved in your son's life. But your relationship with your ex shouldn't go beyond this.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I say stay with your new wife, trust me give her sometime you will be attractive to her , it doesn't happen overnight because
You still thinking about your ex wife, like someone said is her lost big time she should have thought about you and your son before she did this to you!!! What makes you think she has change what ever reason you tow ended your marriage. I guess
Nobody really
Knows how someone feels I just feel so bad for ladies like your new wife poor thing will be heart broken is really sad I honestly don't understand " must men's these days, they only think about there feelings and about hurting the other person sad sad..
I don't understand why his new wife should have been heartbroken? They've had an arrange marriage and have no feelings for each other. Maybe she also feels same way and is not attracted to him at all. I'm not a fan of arrange marriages and would never agree on having such a marriage.
I just can't imagine being with someone I don't know and have any kind of intimacy with such a person.
It's just weird and not natural to me.
Well if you were born and/or grew up in the West, it may not seem normal to you.
In most Muslim countries both boy and girl are supposed to be virgins who will marry for life. No dating allowed. Some time a man is allowed to see his potential bride covered in burqa only. A married Muslim woman is never supposed say no to sex when her husband wants it.
Majority of Muslim weddings are arranged in Muslim countries.
There are big cultural differences. I was shocked to see a video on YouTube about how King of Saudi Arabia keeps his grown up 4 daughters (30-40's) in a sort of prison in his palace. Girls are not allowed to go any where or talk to any one.
If i were you i would first focus on the current marriage and see if there is a chance you can develop love and feelngs for her. If your feelings for your ex wife are really strong then its not fair to your new wife is it. If she is of a understanding nature maybe try talking to her and be honest with her that your ex wife wants to get back together. Think of the reasons why you and your ex got a divorce . If you ever plan on getting back with her do you think history might repeat itself or do you think that things would be different?
You mentioned that u just moved to the US. It is very hard to get a visa to go to the US, so she MIGHT be trying to get back with u. Just to get a visa or the passport. So please watch out and don't be used, thibk about it why does she want me back now and why didn't she want me back right after divorce etc. think about and May Allah lead u to the right path.
You should make your marriage work as your new wife is not at fault here ITS YOU. YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THIS SITUATION NOT ALLAH. I honestly think you should make an effort on this marriage give it time and see, do not rush into ANYTHING.
You need to realise people have feelings and YOU ARE TO BLAME IN THIS SITUATION. You married in a rush and that's not your wife's fault except you are picking faults in her and not SEEING GOOD IN FRONT OF YOU.
Your EX is using you open your eyes. Whatever you do decide BE HONEST YOU OWE THIS TO YOUR WIFE.
OP:. As for my new wife- I don't find myself attracted to her at all, nor do I like to have any intimacy with her. Please help and guide me.
How long did you stay with your new wife? Did you bring her to US with you?
She may be concerned that you did not do it with her. She may leave you thinking you are unable to perform. If she is here and you are qualified to get her PR, you owe it to her if she wants that.
Did your EX say she wants to get married or just wants to be friends?
First there was a reason which the two of you got divorce. and those reasons are still there, second your ex wife didn't even try to give you a second chance. she simply left you.
you knew it was over between the two of you and that is why you move on.
it happens when we love someone we close all the doors to our hearts from others and believe that we can't never fall in love with someone else. But that is not true, give time to your new bride and try to know her, may be she is the right one for you.
Allah didn't put you this situation you chosen it.
if you still think your marriage with your ex can work, you can marry her again as a second wife but only if you can fulfill the conditions of marrying more than one wife.
your ex wife is unable to find someone who can provide her financially,you are a good hearted man so she is playing with you.
either marry her as your second wife by making her agree with your strict rules or tell her that its your mistake,now i have a wife who loves me for who i am.i cant help you.
lool i can never even look at my ex how could she want yu back
First of all u have not mentioned whether ur new wife is with u or not. If she is not then this is the main reason u are attracted to ur ex wife. It would be better if u get ur new wife to join u after which u would be in a better position about the decision that u want to make for ur self and for the other parties. Mind you if u are a real & true muslim u will not rush into some stupid and hasty decision.
secondly u tried to reconcile with ur exwife when proceedings for divorce were going on as it was her who wanted the divorce. If she wants to get back to u then she will have to marry some one else, Be physical with her new husand after which if he divorces her only then can she get back to u. That is what Sharia demands.
Your new wife does not deserve to be treated like what u ant for her. In fact both of u and ur ex wife should respect this girl who because of both of ur foolishness, cannot be made to suffer for no fault of her own.
Try to act in a mature way. Stay away from ur ex wife as she is pulling u desperately towards hell. Start saying ur five daily prayers if u are not and ask Allah for guidance and repentance. Inshallah Allah will do what will be best for all the parties and for ur son.
There are two persons u should be thinking about. First ur new wife and second ur son.
May Allah guide u in coming to a correct decision.
First of all u have not mentioned whether ur new wife is with u or not. If she is not then this is the main reason u are attracted to ur ex wife. It would be better if u get ur new wife to join u after which u would be in a better position about the decision that u want to make for ur self and for the other parties. Mind you if u are a real & true muslim u will not rush into some stupid and hasty decision.
secondly u tried to reconcile with ur exwife when proceedings for divorce were going on as it was her who wanted the divorce. If she wants to get back to u then she will have to marry some one else, Be physical with her new husand after which if he divorces her only then can she get back to u. That is what Sharia demands.
Your new wife does not deserve to be treated like what u want for her. In fact both of u and ur ex wife should respect this girl who because of both of ur foolishness, cannot be made to suffer for no fault of her own.
Try to act in a mature way. Stay away from ur ex wife as she is pulling u desperately towards hell. Start saying ur five daily prayers if u are not and ask Allah for guidance and repentance. Inshallah Allah will do what will be best for all the parties and for ur son.
There are two persons u should be thinking about. First ur new wife and second ur son.
May Allah guide u in coming to a correct decision.
Waalaikum Salam warahmatullah wabarakatuhu
Please try to make it work with your new wife. Maybe u don't feel attracted to her because the marriage was arranged, but I think U2 can still make it work inshaAllah. Make dua (Istikhar) and Allah will help u. Don't let ur ex wife ruin ur second marriage, ur second wife have some feelings to, so u should also be thinking about her since U2 are married. I feel like maybe u and you first wife rushed into divorce since U2 were only married for 3years. I suggest u focus on ur new wife and ur son because ur ex wife need to get married first and then get divorced before u can marry her but she might fall madly in love with her new husband. Akhi, u need to move on, u gave her a chance and she thew it out. Try and workout ur new marriage, get to know ur new wife and inshaAllah u will find love and happiness in her. Marriage is not a joke, so please think about it. What if ur first wife is making u seem like she wants u back just because u are married, what if u give up ur new wife to be with ur ex and then find out that she was joking, why would she want u now that ur married?.
Lol I don't want to assume anymore but, please Akhi, just make dua (Istikhar) inshaAllah, Allah will help u. 🙂
May Allah make things easy for u in ur new marriage and May Allah make ur marriage a happy one. Aameen
AOA
It seems like you married your new wife to get a reaction from your ex.
Your ex only wants to know you for financial reasons as she is probably worried that your WIFE will be receiving most of your wealth.
What's best for you? Er well since you don't know, your ex is now a stranger and you cannot be alone with her no matter what. Do not use your child as an excuse for impromptu rendez vous with the ex.
Your are cruel about your wife. Why marry her then when you weren't ready to move on? I'm sure you consummated the marriage on your wedding night. You are obligated to honour that commitment plus you weren't thinking too much of your son when you were racing to get divorced.
Clearly you expected to be told what you wanted to hear especially as you have the audacity to try and garner sympathy for your dilemma. Well this is not Hollyweird where lust masquerading as love conquers all.
Cut all ties with the ex, except matters concerning the child.