Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My ex-wife wants to come back to me now after I divorced her.

Assalam O Alaikum,

My name is Khdeer and I am from New Delhi. I got married in 2009 and we were very happily living together. A friend of my sister used to come to hour house who was very friendly; we use to play games to pass the time. After our marriage; I told my wife about her that she is just a friend and don’t think anything wrong. My wife understood everything I told but her mother started having doubts after two months and so my wife started to harrass me. First my wfie gave her permission to come to our house after knowing the truth but now she has changed. So, she doesn’t want her to come to our house anymore and she reported to police and said that she is having illegal relationships with me. Police called us both (my friend and me) to police where she told them that we are just friends and nothing else. She also promised that she will never visit my house again and didn’t mean to cause any trouble and signed a contract in police station.

So, she stopped coming to our house but one day she called me and told me that she is suffering from chekengunay(?); suffering from joint pain and can’t walk to see that doctor for examination today. She asked me if I could take her to doctor. I thought that she needs me but what if any of my wife’s relatives saw me? This sure will cause problem. I decided to take her to the doctor for examination and left everything on Allah (swt). I dropped her at examination center; one of uncle of my wife saw us together and thought we are going out together. My wife started harassing me again even I expalained to her everything that happend between us that day. My mother tried to convince them and they pretended like they understood and are OK now. But, one day my mother-in-law came to our house and asked us to send my wife with her for three days; my mother agreed to send my wife.

Three days passed but my wife didn’t come back; when I asked them to send her back; they said that they don’t believe me and said that I was going to marry my friend. They said that I was going to buy a house and said that my friend is already pregnant and they don’t believe what I say. They asked me that my wife will come to stay with me on one condition which is, if I sell my property and buy a house near my in-laws and house must be on my wife’s name. I didn’t agree to this condition but I begged to them and promised to never repeat again and asked them to believe me. They didn’t believe me so I sent my elders to convince them to return my wife. They said no, then I sent the lawyer to convince them and they refused again. I sent her lawyer’s notice but my wife didn’t reply then I went to court and they issued another notice which they refused to accept. After one month course decided a one sided decision.

I applied for divorce in course as per Islamic law. After one year I told her relatives to please take whatever belongs to her as we are looking for another match for me. They said that they are sending their daughter back. When I begged them to send her back to me they didn’t but now they are sending her to me when I divorced her and she is not in contract with me. She left me on my own for one and a half year; how can I trust her now? Now she wants us to live together, she harasses me to shif to her mother house with my mother and everything. I live with my mother who is a widow; I don’t know what is wrong with this woman. I am confused and don’t know what to do?

Please help.


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam brother Khdeer.

    First and most importantly if you have divorced your wife 3x and it is final it is not permissible for you to live with your wife or get back together. To the best of my knowledge this would constitute zina if the divorce is final. If you are not sure about your marital status in Islam, consult a scholar who can advise you on your individual case.

    If you are divorced three times you can also not marry her again until after she genuinely re-marries another man, consumates the marriage and then is later divorced. Only then can you marry her. Tahleel marriages (i.e., a marriage of convenience aimed at making it permissible for her to remarry her former husband) are completely haraam however so if she marries it must be for good reason and not to divorce him and marry you.

    “And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband. Then, if the other husband divorces her, it is no sin on both of them that they reunite, provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allaah. These are the limits of Allaah, which He makes plain for the people who have knowledge”

    It is wrong of them to mess you around in such a way, however you need to take responsibility for what you did in marriage so that you can repent, and not repeat the same mistakes. Brother regardless of your intentions, it is completely inappropriate for a married person to take a friend of the opposite gender, particularly if she is visiting your house to play games. Your wife and her family may have acted badly but in the situation it was you mainly at fault dear brother. Even for unmarried couples it is a sin to have casual male-female relation/friendships.

    Rasulullah S.A.W. said, 'It is better for a man that a steel nail be driven through the centre of his head rather than if he touches the palm of a strange woman.

    “And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way.” (Sura Al-Israa’ # 17 ayah # 32)Imaam al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “The ‘ulama’ said that the phrase And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse is more eloquent than merely saying ‘Do not commit zinaa’, because the meaning is, Do not even come close to zinaa.”

    This means not doing any deed that may get close to zinaa or lead to it, such as being alone with a member of the opposite sex, touching, looking, going to evil places, speaking in a haraam manner to a woman to whom one is not related, thinking about and planning immoral acts, and so on.

    Rasulullah (SAW) said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third."(Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab , Tirmidhi transmitted it as authentic) note: So we should always try not to be alone with a woman who is not mahrum to us and not even go close to Zina.

    These are clear. However do not despair of the mercy of Allah swt. Realise your mistake and make sincere tawbah and work to change yourself. We are human and we invariably sin but the best of us sinners are those who repent.

    I recommend contacting a scholar or mufti to find out if you are able to remarry if you both wish to. If it turns out you are both divorced three times, she is forbidden to you and you will have no choice and be firm but kind when dealing with her family harassing you. Do not resume unislamic contact with your friend and give it sometime before looking for a wife again. If you re-marry her or another woman do not make the mistake of keeping a female friend in future.

    Sara Editor

  2. Brother Khdeer, As-salamu alaykum,

    You messed up and you know it. You should not have given that woman a ride, expecially since your wife and her family were already suspicious of her. You could have told her to call a cab, or you could have asked another friend to help, or if there was no other option you could have taken a friend along so it would not be just the two of you. Well, what's done is done.

    Since you have only been divorced once (I am assuming), you can remarry your ex-wife if you choose, there is no problem there. But you must have another nikah.

    I understand you are also asking whether you should reunite with her. My opinion is yes, remarry her and repair your relationship. It sounds like you had a loving and happy marriage before all this started, and that's hard to come by. So I think it is worth working for.

    I think what has happened is that time has passed and your ex-wife and her family have seen that you did not marry the other woman, nor is she pregnant, etc. And they have realized that you are not easily manipulated and that you are really done with the ex-wife. So their plan has failed. The in-laws don't want to get stuck with your ex-wife, so now they want to send her back.

    Do NOT give in tot their demand to move closer to them along with your mother. Your in-laws are manipulative and scheming, and the last thing you want is to be closer to them. If your ex-wife really wants to reunite, then she can do it on your terms. She can return to you with no conditions, humbly, with a sincere desire to repair the marriage.

    And stay away from other women this time!

    Wael Editor

  3. my husband gave me 1talaaq and two witness was nasaras, 2nd talaaq when we was alone and 3rd talaaq written with i
    please can some one tell me is it accepted, now he wants me back, i must marry not sleep with whoever i marry, divorce the next day and remarry him..........
    im totally lost............

    • Rashida, As-salamu alaykum. You need to talk to an Imam or scholar in your area who can tell you for sure whether you have been divorced three times. As for what you are suggesting of marrying someone else in order to re-marry your ex-husband, it is completely haram. It is called halala of tahleel and it makes a mockery of Islam. It is a cursed practice so do not do it. My suggestion is that you accept that you are divorced. Don't try to get back with your ex-husband. Obviously your marriage to him was not stable and did not work.

      If you need more advice then please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

  4. As Salamu Alaikum.
    My wife divorced me recently on 24th Ramadan. On 29th Ramadan She said to me Sorry & wants to comeback. She divorced me on temper from a Qazi Office. But I dont Divorce her even Not accept her divorce.
    Now I also wants her back.
    Is it possible to comeback without marry again?
    Please answer me as soon as possible.
    Shahed ul Haque

    • Brother,

      Please see a qualified Imam with all your information. We are not qualified to answer questions on fiqh of marriage and divorce.

      If you have any further questions, please log in and submit them as a separate post.

      SisterZ Editor

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