Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Expensive Marriage!

depressed girl woman

Assalammu-alikum Brother/Sister,

I am from Bangladesh but born and brought up in UAE. My family is very simple and we come from an educated and Islamic background.

Few months ago, I got married to a guy who is also from Bangladesh from two different cities and living in UAE. My marriage ceremonies was held in Bangladesh. I spoke to the guy once and twice and even met with him two times but with guardian. As usual, I asked him about Islam and he said answered it quite a lot. But the only questions he asked me was about Music and Bengali culture because he is a big music lover and cultural. As far as culture is concerned, we know about it about music, dance and some literacy. Things were going fine until the day when the wedding date was fixed. Both he and the maternal uncle started to put demands after demands based on their traditions which was getting really tough. My parents were stressed at the same time they thought that even the groom side has also some wishes, so as long as we can do it, we will do it. My husband got to choose each and everything e.g designer sherwani and etc for wedding to Armani suit, Steve Maden shoes, Masarati watch and etc for walima which we were supposed to give for all the ceremonies. Whereas for me, I was not allowed to choose or even see anything according to their traditions. I was angry and crying but my parents shut me out. Whenever their demands are fulfilled, my husband used to be happy and talk nicely and whenever he can get it, he gets angry, send me facebook message, SMS and even call me to vent out his anger. Things went on like this but I couldn’t say anything because of my parents.

The day after wedding, when my mom and brother came to give some stuff for me. Right after I came, his mother started shouted and accusing non-stop to my mother and my husband was helping his mother throughout. She accused for not giving the enough gold to me, not giving any gold to her son even though we gave him platinum with diamonds, not showing off the gold to them during the wedding in front to their guests and called my grandmother’s gifted gold chain as baby chain. My husband said to us before marriage that he didn’t wanted to wear anything of gold not even gold ring. He wanted platinum so we gave platinum with 8 diamonds. When we said that to her, my husband immediately started whispering to his mom that platinum is more expensive mom. Soon after my mother and brother went home, my mother-in-law told me that she will shout at me in the same manner as how her mother treats their daughter-in-law  and asked me not to mind about it.

As per the Mahr commitments which were of TK 25 Lakhs. TK 5 Lakhs was agreed to be paid later and the gold share of TK 20 Lakhs was agreed to be given however only TK 15 Lakhs of gold was handed over and upon being questioned about the rest of Mahr a commitment was made that my husband will give the remaining gold Mahr on my wedding night. However he did not fulfill his commitment and manipulated with the Mahr and its settlements.

My husband called my father before checking out from the hotel in Chittagong asking if he needed to pill their lodging bill of Tk 50,000. My father felt bad and asked them that he would take care of it in spite of the fact that it was agreed by my father-in-law that they would pay their boarding and lodging bills by themselves. I was not consoled all my way to the airport and while my parents took some time to reach the airport my in laws tried all their best that I don’t meet them before we leave. After I reached his house, I didn’t speak until the evening, when he asked me. When I tried to explained my grief and said that she should have to not say it in front of everyone but she could have done on phone, he started to become angry and said there were no one outsider. I cried a lot of times alone and even in front of him but he didn’t care. After that I didn’t discuss all these over there.

I went with broken leg to UAE and was having my master’s classes but he didn’t care as he wanted to go to all his friend’s party. Whenever I used to feel sick, he used to get angry and said that he will check with the doctor whether my sickness is right or not. After the doctor consulted that I need complete bed rest, he became quiet. I was continuously accused of not fulfilling any expectations as per their standard which they never mentioned or documented. None of my explanations could help him clarify or understand that it had nothing to do with our relationship. He also mentioned if I could ask for Mahr then he could accuse us not fulfilling their unlawful demands. I expected my mother in law to be a role model and be helpful but took away all my hope as she insulted my mother in front of everyone for the above said reasons.

I tried to explain within the context of Islamic laws according to which expectations from the bride’s family were declared haram. However, my husband and his family never wanted anything before the marriage however later on they had a lot to ask for. I insisted several times to clarify these issues so our relationship could no more be affected. He said that my parents didn’t gave 4 to 5 shirts to him. My husband kept mentioning about not getting this or that his accusations never stopped. However my father paid him DHS 10000 AND TK 10000 for his shopping which included his Armani suit and all other expensive brand items. However upon not being able to buy a belly shoe he abused me on Facebook. In spite of the fact that my family was busy with shifting they managed to prepare food for us and bring us gifts on the first of Ramadan. But as soon as they entered our home my husband asked them if they were holding our Eid gifts or our marriage gifts. After my parents shifted to the same city as us, my parents used to cook every day and send Iftar and dinner to us.

Two days before my father was travelling to Bangladesh, my husband asked me about the furniture’s money. He said that my mom said about furniture money with the middle-woman aunt (the one who brought the wedding proposal) but I said there was nothing like that. He said that aunt told him that if you don’t want furniture then you can get the money to go for honeymoon and use it for any marriage expenses! He shouted at me and said to go and ask my mother about it. It was during Ramadan, I was sick and went before Iftar to my parents to discuss this. My mother said the same thing which I said and my father said that he told his father that he will decorate his daughter’s room in Bangladesh. There were no word of “Money”.

My husband called aunt for a meeting and discussed about money and other demands. My father made it clear if money was to be involved this marriage would not be happening.  My in-laws dint have any demands before the marriage but later on had hefty demands. My father told us that he had a surprise for us before we want for honeymoon to which my husband said that he had everything and he didn’t need anything. Later, they have decided that my parents are going to give the furniture in Bangladesh. After the meeting, aunt said whatever my husband wants you to wear and wherever he wants to take you, you have to go!

The doctor told us to buy medicated bed, but he didn’t buy it. When my parents requested it as doctor instructed, he said it’s around Dhs 2000 to 3000. We went and saw it was just around Dhs 300. My parents bought it for me. When my mom and brother was going to Bangladesh, aunt told my mother that both of his parents don’t know how to talk…when their daughter will marry then they will understand.

He brought a simple sari and said this is an Eid dress for you. When I asked whether he can take me to choose my eid dress with him, he said I don’t need it. He already bought his own Eid dress. When aunt told him to buy for me then he went but didn’t accepted the dress which I chose. We saw a lot of dress but either of us didn’t like it. Eventually when I requested him for that dress, even after saying I will pay half or full price, he was adamant not to give me that. When I requested his mom to talk to him, he became angry as to why I spoke to his mom about it. I told my mom about it and she called aunt. The aunt asked my mom to call up my husband and make him understand. When she couldn’t find me on my phone, she called my husband’s number and was requesting him so that both of us can do Eid happily. But my husband started shouting and insulting my mother and said “you don’t have to tell me how to control my wife and do not interfere.” He insulted my father by saying “is he showing off his money?”

During Eid, I was informed by my father about my paternal aunt and grandmother not doing well and were critical. I had to go to Bangladesh and as I got back home my husband asked me to give him all the gold. When I asked him not to worry about the gold and help me with the clothes, he started shouting at me. He put on a condition whether I want to see my grandmother or gold and threatened me that if I don’t give away those gold then he won’t let me travel to Bangladesh to see my sick grandmother and aunt. He asked to call up my parents and he will call aunt and his parents to talk about it. When my father spoke to him, he reassured him for the security of the Gold but he said he will not give the Gold with me in anyways. The aunt called and said that he also has the right on my Mahr gold. He forcefully snatched away all the Mahr gold from me. When my father got to know, he became angry and asked whether you need gold or your wife?

After coming to Bangladesh, I called him from the plane that I reached. When he asked to give the Bangladesh’s mobile number via SMS, I have sent it. Since then he didn’t call. The next day I called his father and informed him I reached safely. His father just called four times and that’s it. I called his mother also but she never called me. After 21 days, he just called me and messaged me once. I was away so couldn’t attend his call immediately. When I saw it later, I was really angry and waited for his 2nd call. But he didn’t call me back. Few days later, that aunt called my father and was accusing of not keeping in contact with them. She lied that they all called a lot of times. My father got angry and replied. They didn’t call after that, not even during Eid. Right after Eid, his uncle called my uncle and said they are not interested and accused that I didn’t have any feelings for him and my father didn’t give respect of son-in-law.

I am sorry this was really long but I couldn’t make it small. Lastly, there will be a meeting soon in which both the fathers, uncles and I will be there. I don’t know what should I do? Is it ok to continue this relationship or not? I am confused! Please help me!

Hefty Marriage

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7 Responses »

  1. Leave him and his greedy family before its
    Too late if he really loved you he wouldnt
    Have done all this.
    No relationship works on money it works
    On love and feelings.
    Its obvious they are greedy and will carry on
    Because thats in their nature which cant be changed
    So think if you want to live the same life if
    Not leave them.

  2. It seems like your husband and in laws have changed after the marriage. How offensive to ask for money, and for your parents to buy the furniture for the house. I'm not sure what the Bangladeshi culture is - is it normal to ask for money etc? Islamically it's wrong and it sounds quite offensive. I don't really understand the full situation but my in laws were similar. They changed after the nikkah, and started demanding dowry, wanted the money that was given to my parents on the wedding, expected my parents to provide furniture etc etc. I ignored it but a few months later realised that this was just the apex of all the other issues that this family and my husband had.

    I really wish I had left the marriage when I saw these red flags and I would advise you to really consider the situation and if they are already treating you badly then best to leave the marriage sooner rather than wasting more time and letting yourself get hurt later on.

    Also perform istikhara and place your trust in Allah swt.

  3. Sister,

    This family only wanted your money and your family's money. Just because it was "arranged" and you did not transgress limits does not mean it was an Islamic marriage.

    Your husband was not, and is not, interested in pursuing a harmonious life with you.

    Cut your losses and move on. Maybe you will meet a nice, decent man who will honor the concept of marriage in Islam.

  4. This is not a marriage at all. These people are not even sincere muslims they are one hell of greedy people. If I was in your shoes I would not call him over to UAE he dont deserve you or anything of you. He your husband hasn't proved to be a loyal trusted man to be with. You have done nothing wrong I am sorry to say but your husband family only married you for the money and nothing else fact. I would say how I feel and stand up to the guys family say NO if you have to. STOP giving into their demands they have no rights Islamically this is haraam. Tell your parents and you are better off leaving him because he wont ever change it sadness me that he even accused you of all sorts that's not marriage at all just someone using you to get what they want this is not acceptable way of living.

  5. You better talk to a family lawyer in Bangladesh if you really want to know all the options open to you. A timely contact could bring back all the money and goods. As an advice for your future dealings let me tell you that you must always pay money through bank deposit and keep a copy of deposit slip safe with you. Why should YOU be the only one to suffer?

  6. Assalamu alaikom sister you should have chosen a man who fears Allah .Who only care about islamic values not thier indian /hindu customs.Now tell him itaqillah and try to tell him politely that you are not doing right and you will get it back someday here in this world .it could happen to your sisters.If he doesnt understand leave him because they are materialistic and you and your family already made mistake by giving them too much space and israaf is haraam .Have faith in Allah. Make istekhaara be stronger make a decision.Islam made marriage so simple follow yput deen not your tradition choose the person who puts deen above everything and who fears Allah then he will never misstreat you and he will treat you as you deserved.You should consult with some scholor.Wallahu alam bissawaab.
    May Allah make it easy for you and your family and give hidayaah to your husband ,his family and all of us.Ameen

  7. আপু আমিও একজন বাংলাদেশী, তোমার জীবনের গল্প শুনে আমার খুব খারাপ লাগছে।

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