Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fabrication of lies before marriage

Lies, telling lies, lying

Assalam o Alaikum,

I have an issue which keeps me disturbed. I am 27 yrs old was married last year. My wife and her family told some lies before marriage. The biggest one was the age lie. The age disclosed before marriage was incorrect and in actual, my wife is 5 years older than me. Even at the time of Nikah, wrong age was disclosed.

My wife kept hiding her id card and documents and I also never bothered about it. But finally, due to circumstances, she had to tell me her real age. Also, her education is not what i was told. I blindly trusted the information provided as i do not doubt anything my wife says.

Now the thing is, I really want her in my life. She's a very good person. She no doubt loves me a lot and explained to me that she was getting and wanted to get married to an educated and settled person so she lied. She asked me to forgive her as well which I'm happy to do. She is also quite innocent and at times, I see fear in her eyes that I might leave her.

My question is, despite of accepting her as is, I keep worried why this all happened. Was this the punishment of any sins of mine that I got a wife of totally different civil status from what I desired? I also feel lesser loved to her but more sympathetic towards her. Is it my fate (qismat)?

Also, i did not tell anything to my family as I do not want her to face any questions or problems.

What should i do to overcome my feelings?


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18 Responses »

  1. Brother, leave it to Allah to judge your wife.
    You need to use this an opportunity for you to become a better man. All people fall short of the ideals of Islam. I do, you do, and she does.

    You have stated that she is a good person. This is your chance to be a good person as well. Forgiving a good person for their failures is something that Allah can guide you through.

    You will have to fully submit to Allah regarding this. You will never forget her failure, and you don't need to. But learning compassion and understanding for your wife will be a great skill that Allah can bless you with, if you allow Allah to do so by submitting fully. It will make you a better husband, a better father, and a better Muslim.

    Also understand that Allah guides us not to disclose the sins of others. Do not tell your family or anyone else.

  2. Brother I don't see why you need to worry yourself further than necessary, unless you have another fear and doubt about your wife and her family. I am sorry to hear that your marriage started on a base of lies, have you discussed with your wife why this happened? You say you love her, she's a good person etc. Wonderful. Keep your marriage alive with your feelings for her. The shaytaan is tempting you to doubt her and look for more trouble. You have been married a year now surely you have a close enough bond to share anything together.

    I think the reason for these lies were, her family must have been looking for her spouse for a while and either she has been refused on the basis of her age and level of education, or she had refused them for whatever reason. True, they should have had more faith in you and given you a chance to hear them out but perhaps they've been let down so many times they couldn't stand another refusal. They obviously saw something in you for their daughter and MashAllah you're saying she is good for you.

    Make the effort and show her how much you love her. Have you had your Anniversary yet? Do something special together. Get these negative feelings out, it will only hurt the marriage not help it. You have forgiven her, now just forget about this incident and move on, be happy.

    I hope this is of some help. May Allah guide you and bless you with a happy marriage.

    • Strange .Lies are acceptable?in the other post you talked about how you took revenge to ex husband because of his wrong ways ...if this is acceptable then no issues when men lie to get women what they want ? Or in broader ways lies are acceptable for marriage .

      • Do you read the posts properly before you answer? Twice now you have judged me harshly and never given sound advice to the original poster.

        I have not said lies are acceptable, my advice is based on the brother forgiving his wife. His question is how to move on from this situation and he made clear that divorce isn't an option for him.

  3. should this become the reason for divorce? what is wrong with you people.
    if she is faithful and loving. what else do you want. why degree matters to you?. do you feel insulted?. just because she is not so educated like you?

  4. Assalam-o-aliakum
    Brother, it is not a big issue, you said she is good,nice then what's the problem??see education is important and we cannot deny it's impotance.but it is not as important that you leave her for this.Nice wife is a bailiwick from,live your life peacefully and forgive her with open hearted!
    Hope that helped,
    Allah(S.W.T)knows best, and guides us best.

  5. Brother, it depends on how you choose to look at it. You can look at it as a trial; wherein you have also been blessed with the love and forgiveness to overcome it successfully and move ahead.
    Or you can choose to dwell on age/education which as you can see for yourself has nothing to do with spousal love.
    I agree that relations should not be based on deceit. You can see the effects it is having not only on you but on her as well i.e. her constant fear of her happy marriage falling apart.
    You can choose to look at yourself as an answer to your wife's prayers who had crossed over to an age where painful loneliness /difficult and forceful compromises over marriage are the very true realities that one is left with. If they are generally good people, this could be a lie of desperation. I am not advocating lies, just trying to give you a perspective that might help you see it in a different light.
    You can also hope in Allah that He will bless you from His infinite bounties for your compassion. Ameen.

  6. Saalm,

    I don't think this was something you necessarily did. It's just that the girl was getting old and probably not getting married due to it. Generally people look for a girl at a certain age and if she didn't fit that age they wouldn't even look at her. So her family purposefully lied to get suitors to ask about her. You did, they hid it until things progressed and now that you're in love you've found out that she lied.

    Doing it this way for her leads to a possibility of marriage whereas her fear was that she would never get married before. Of course, now she's worried that you might divorce her because you know the truth.

    I would take this as a test from Allah. It is up to you if you wish to forgive her for this and up to you if you wish to continue the marriage. If you think you can keep this marriage and forgive her then keep the marriage. If you think that 8 years from now when she's 40 and not as attractive you're going to bring up how she lied to you and divorce her and marry someone else then that doesn't work out for her and you should look to both her interest as well as yours and separate with kindness.

    One trap people fall into with this test is that they are passive aggressive about it. They would keep such a wife but treat her horribly because she lied. Or if any problem arose in the marriage or if they committed any sin they would then bring up, but you lied to marry me. Please don't do that. This is your decision, this is your choice. Either keep her knowing that she lied and treat her well, or divorce her and find someone you want to be with. Don't fall into the trap of you sinned so me sinning now is ok.

  7. If you are happy and she is happy, then dont ruin this union.

    You say she is of decent character and is a good muslima, then i would say you are lucky.
    Take it as a chance from Allah to be kind and forgiving to another human being.
    Many people do not get this chance that they forgive someone for their lies AND that person who lied to you becomes you greatest human ally on earth.

    So be nice to her and be thankful that you have been given this chance, she will be grateful to you and give you lots of Duas and insha Allah, Allah will also be pleased with you for showing mercy/forgiveness when you had the power to exact justice/revenge.

    Allah knows best and may HE guide us all. Ameen.

  8. OP: My question is, despite of accepting her as is, I keep worried why this all happened. Was this the punishment of any sins of mine that I got a wife of totally different civil status from what I desired? I also feel lesser loved to her but more sympathetic towards her. Is it my fate (qismat)?

    You have not accepted her with your heart. If you think it is a punishment of your sins, then you should not blame her.

    What would you expect to happen if you had a sister who was desperate to get married and did all this stuff your wife did with a younger man?

  9. Asalamu aleykum.
    Brother you are very strong man and to be stronger if she is good and innocent then forget the past and enjoy the present while preparing for the future. For give her and deal with her like it never happens.
    To do so look her present characters the good think she does for you inshallah Allah you will over come that worriness of prior to you marrage.
    Please don't share this with your family thinks will be totally different I mean you will be voiceless family wor and all bad thinks can happen. I have the experience. May Allah help you get to the right decission.

    • You got married because it was the will of Allah and not because of the lies. Remenber our Mohammed also married someone who was older than him. Those who lied let them bear there sins or you can forgive them. Enjoy the bounties of mariage or live in the bitterness of lies.

  10. Assalamualikum,
    I am 41 years old divorced man. I just got remarried and my wifes family told similar lies but with more intensity. She is about 7 years older, and she has no education, she can not read or write anything (i i ththk she has a learning disability) and she was sick and had her spleen removed with they didnt tell us about.

    Its only been 3 months in our marriage. I feel sorry for her but i dont love her and i feel like this will end in a divorce. I asked a sheikh and he said not being educated is not a reason for divorce nor is lying, though he admits this was a huge lie.
    She is in love with me and doesnt want to leave me, but i am not in love with her, i pity her.

    What should i do?

    • MuslimMan, perhaps you could remedy the matter of her education by getting her a tutor or finding an appropriate class for her. In the meantime be patient and give love a chance to kindle in your heart. If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thanks.

      Wael Editor

      • Assalamualaikum...! I am in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years and 5 months. he is 28 years old and I am 1 year 7 months older than him. but I told him that I am only 5 months younger than him... I am well educated and beautiful too. I look younger than him..
        he told his parents about this relationship and told them that he wants to marry me.. his parents refused for our marriage because we are same age.
        it seems that he will not marry me if he comes to know that I am elder than him.. should I come out of this relationship telling him the truth..?? I am so scared about the day of judgement.. but at times it feels that I am about 30 years old and if he leaves me then who will marry me..!!
        please let me know what I should do.. should I marry him with the lie or leave him telling the truth?

        • Tell him the truth. Khadija RA was 15 years older than the Prophet SAW.

          If he has a problem with your age, then he is a weak minded individual.

  11. Assalamualaikum..
    I am in a relationship with a guy who is 1 year 7 months younger than me.. he knows that I am 5 months younger than him.. we are in this relationship for 2.5 years. he told his patents about our relation and asked them that he wants to marry me.. but his parents refused because we are of same age (he told his parents that I am 5months younger than him).
    I am educated and beautiful too. I look younger than him. he loves me so much and wants to marry me despite of his parents refusal.. he is ready to leave his parents too..
    I feel that he will leave me if he comes to know that I am older than him.. it will hurt him greatly.. I am about 30 years old and i worry that if he leaves me then who will marry me..!!
    on the other hand I fear of the day of judgment.. everything will be disclosed on that day..
    what should I do? should I tell him the truth and leave this relationship or should I marry him with this lie..?

    • Gyou, you should be honest with the man. If you marry him, sooner or later he will probably see your driver's license or birth certificate, and learn your true age. There is no need to tell the families, however.

      Such a minor age difference is meaningless. It's silly for the family to cause a problem over something so minor.

      My parents met in university. My mother was one year older than my father, but they told the families that she was one year younger. They remained married all their lives, until my father passed away.

      Wael Editor

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