Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents are demanding that we conduct a fake marriage ceremony

His parents requests are setting off alarm bells for me

A salaam Alaikum,

I have a very serious question and I have no clear way to solve this problem for all parties involved to be happy.  I am a Muslim sister who was previously married with two children.  I have met, through the grace of Allah(SWT), a Muslim man who would like to marry me.  His parents were not happy about this situation and refused us to get married.  After some time of discussion and argument, they agreed to meet me and my Imam at the masjid.

After a discussion with the Imam, they agreed to allow the  nikaah and consented to the marriage.  But as we were planning our nikaah at the masjid and a small reception following, they told us that we are unable to get married formally and just Islamically.  Their reason for saying this was,"it would be less sticky if this wasn't to work out, not saying that we don't want it to work."  His father has threatened not to come because this is not what he wants.

Now, they have found some "uncle" to do the nikaah and not an Imam, it can not be at the masjid, and they said in one year they would allow formal state wedding after they see how happy we are.   I do not believe, how they want us to conduct, this situation is proper and neither does my fiancee.  But he doesn't want to displease his parents and he would like us to be married.

The issue that comes into play here is the validity of the Islamic marriage.  My Imam, who is also my wali, has advised me that this type of union is haraam.  And in turn, the marriage needs to follow the state laws in order for the marriage to be Islamically valid.

Can someone please confirm or help guide me to a place where I can get more information in order to explain to his parents why is type of marriage is not possible?  I will not do anything haraam, InshaAllah and I feel his parents have an underlying agenda that will taint this union if we do it their way.  What makes an Islamic union valid?  Please help...Khudahafiz

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4 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister Noor123, wa alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

    My advice: just say no. This is a matter of deen and not something on which to compromise. If you give in on this issue, you will set a bad precedent, and as you said, it will taint your future union.

    Apparently your fiancé's parents suspect that you are less than honorable. If you give in to their demands for a "fake" marriage, you will only confirm their suspicions. You will show yourself to be a person of weak character, easily pushed around, and without genuine self-respect.

    Demand that you be treated with the respect that would be given to any other Muslim bride. Your fiancé should also show himself to be a man of honor. He should be willing to stand up for you and insist that you be treated with respect. If he cannot, then walk away.

    If your fiancé can't stand up for you now, then he will not do so in the future when his parents make other unreasonable requests. Who knows what they may demand in the future.

    Wael Editor

  2. Salaam my sister,

    I am with Wael - refuse to go through with this. Your intended needs to step up and make a stand for what he believes in. If he believes himself to be an adult, then he should behave like one and make the right decisions no matter what his parent's un Islamic suggestions are.

    You are worried about this now, but if you go through with this, a few months in when it has all sunk in you will lose respect for him completely. You will always fear his parent's influence and you will also be living a life of sin. You have none of the protections that a wife should have, none of the right: what's the point? Marriage is decreed to protect women from this kind of treatment.

    Do not be afraid of losing him and think that you have a choice between losing him or having a fake marriage - this is not the case. He is trying to make his own life easier at your expense. Stand your ground on this and he will come around - have no fear, he will come through.

    And if he doesn't - don't worry. That kind of relationship is no good anyway .


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  3. Assalamu'alaikum Sister Noor123,

    I agree 100% with Wael. As he said, this is something where there should be no compromising. You need to make it clear that the type of wedding they are suggesting is out of the question. At the same time your fiancé' should be in line with what you are thinking. If he is not willing to stand up for what is right then what do you think the future holds for your relationship when the parents again want to interfere?

    The other thing that strikes me is that you have a Wali. He is there to advise and look out for your best interest. He has already told you that this is not correct and that the marriage should be performed in the correct manner for it to be legal. Listen to him. He is doing his job.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  4. Hello,
    I agree with all the people as well.

    You already know it's not valid what they propose. The red flags are up. Your fiance wants to please his parents. I understand this. BUT you should bring it to his attention that if you two get married this way and have a child during that year it is illegitimate. Because the nikah is not valid. Fake marriage relations is sinful. Is that really what you both would want to do to each other and your own child if you have any?

    I am very suspicious of this "uncle" doing your nikah. Do not allow it. With them saying, "it would be less sticky if this wasn't to work out, not saying that we don't want it to work." It sounds like they are trying to prevent the marriage completely and in a very bad way with a false arrangement.

    Insist on a valid legal nikah without the "uncle" and nothing less. You don't need us to tell you this, you know this. You are having courage problems not decision problems. If they do not respect you now, it just gets worse in the future.

    You have EVERY right to insist on valid nikah. I hope this helps.

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