Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am falling apart inside and desperately need balanced guidance.

disciplining a child, mother and daughter

I am approaching divorce and plan to move from *** after five years of marriage to an Arabic Israeli citizen back to my home in ****. He is relatively wealthy but plans to leave us with nothing. I have three semesters plus internship hours left to complete my degree in court reporting. I found a nice therapist recommended to me by a friend once I return to ***** but that could be weeks or months before I get there and I don't want to begin such a therapy here in **** only to relocate to ****+ soon after just beginning. It looks as though I may have a framework in place to pull me and my 4-year-old daughter out of this mess but I am falling apart inside and desperately need balanced guidance. Maybe even I just need a place to cry in this world besides the toilet where my daughter keeps walking in on. Can you or someone you know may specialize in helping please help?

Background... I did not love my husband when I first met him or even want to marry. We both were going through horrible late-age and long term break-ups at the time but he insisted because of our age and his religion (now also mine) (praise God) it was the right thing to do. I was 29 and he was 38. I was cursed with dreams of my ex for many nights every month for more than a year but figured that if only I would move my feet eventually my heart would follow. I did this with my whole heart to try to fall out of love with my ex and in love with this stranger, no books or friends or family to confide in or tell me would even be able to happen, but over time it did.

And look where it got me. I have no idea how now to cope. You see, all of the things I was making myself [emotionally] do (because he earnestly led me to believe that he was going to as well), in actuality he was not. The rare times we have sex, pornography is on TV in the background. The months we go without, he is in company of paid prostitutes.

 I want to RUN to first mosque or SOMETHING related to God for help, but realize since I do not speak Arabic, and even though I begged for years to be shown prayer etiquette, he claims he forgot how, and thus professional emotional therapists and sites like this are my best hope for some sense of wisdom and balance.

I beg you to answer me. Somebody. Anybody. I saved many compassionate responses from readers to other question-posters, so those are appreciated just as much as scholarly replies. I just know I need something. I don't want my daughter to suffer (or maybe even KNOW) her life is "different" from what it was supposed to be or could have been. I want her to be proud of me and not bothered or embarrassed by an absent father. I want to know maybe one day I will be strong enough to meet someone worthy to fill those shoes for her provided I am not settling for something less than she originally deserved. I will gladly abstain from relationship if something like that is all I see available. She is my priority and I plan to sink every penny into her future real estate and education. I don't want either of us to be taken advantage of.

What.. how... where do I go from here when I know the life I want to lead and don't even know how to pray to help me get there?

All answers will be received with appreciation and respect.


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7 Responses »

  1. assalamu alaykum.
    my wife left me 21 days ago. she took our baby and left me with 4 children. i still love her. i don't know her whereabouts. Her father who is not a Muslim knows but wouldn't tell me how to contact her. Everyday that goes by i find myself lost in deep thoughts and am scared i don't know how to go about it. i pray everyday for guidance. it is so frastrated since she is still my wife and wants nothing to do with me. no phone calls.
    she wast stressed with the fact that the house we were living in had problems. i was doing my best looking for one i could afford. she gave up hope and a week later after she left without my knowledge, i got a beautiful home. without her all my efforts seem useless. please tell me of dua's. thank you

  2. It’s probably a few months since you posted this question. Hopefully, some healing has begun. My dear sister, Allah is Al-Awal (the Beginning) and Allah is Al-Akhir (the End). Focus your energies on patience and gratitude and absolute knowing that Allah is fully aware of your situation.
    Alhamdulliah, you have your daughter with you and you are fully capable of taking care of her and yourself. That’s a blessing in itself. When I was divorced, my husband filed a false protection from abuse order on me to gain sole custody of my daughter; he wanted me to have only two hour supervised visits. I didn't see my four year old daughter for three weeks, till court dismissed the false claims. I share half custody with her father and he has done anything and everything to show his control and power over her and me. Every time, my daughter sees me, she cries that she doesn't want to go to her dad because she is so afraid of him.
    The reason I'm sharing my experience is so that you can be see how much more worse your situation could have been.
    When you go back home with your daughter, you can have a fresh start. Just cleanse your mind with all the garbage you left behind. Give yourself time to heal but also strive to move forward without looking behind.

  3. Dear Aemish, Asalaamualaykum

    I am not fully clear about your circumstance. My understanding is that you are a revert to Islam, have a child from a previous relationship and you have married a muslim man whom you had/have no feelings for, but with hindesight can say that you did this in an attempt to move on from your ex and to find some emotional security. You are not all happy with your husband as you say he is absent from your life, he claims to have forgotten how to pray salaah, makes no attempt to teach you how to pray and spends alot of time with prostitutes.

    Sister - I can see you are in deep pain and I wish I could help you. You have unfortunately made the mistake of trying to heal your pain of one broken relationship by falling into another one and in doing so you completely overlooked warning signs. When choosing a marriage partner, we should not let pressure of loneliness, age, society, or anything like that influence our decision; this will always end up in disaster. We should marry only because we feel that the prospective will help us to build a good Islamic home and will give us the emotional and physical security of a healthy marriage. If we have any doubts, we should never marry that person.

    You say your husband is absent most of the time and has illicit relations with prostitutes; this is serious and you should not have to put up with this. If this is the case, I do not understand why you are with still with this man. I can see you are suffering from depression sister and perhaps this is making it hard for you to part with this man. You mentioned in your post that your husband is planning to leave you, this seems to be a great blessing for you; you will inshaAllah be better of without such a destructive person in your life.

    Is it not possible for you to move in with family or friends or to rent your own apartment somewhere? Do you have a circle of Muslim female friends? Your marriage is obviously causing you much distress so parting with this man will inshaAllah help you make fresh start. You have a beautiful gift from Allah in the form of your daughter. There are many places where you can learn to pray Salaah, if you know of a local Muslim community, I am sure they will be very help you.

    I know you have some very deep emotional wounds which you have not expressed in your post. You seem tired and worn out and I can see that you feel like putting your feet up and having someone take lifes burdens away from you. Let go of the negative aspects of your life. Make that break from your husband and find peace through your salaah, you can pray in English while you are learning your Arabic. It will be good for you to get some one to one counselling aswell to help boost your self esteem - you have clearly been through alot.

    If you want help with learnind duas and Salaah, I will be happy to help you. Just write and let us know here.

    SisterZ Editor

  4. As salamu alaykum, aemish,

    I am glad to know you have taken control of your life, Alhamdulillah. Live the moment and pray Allah(swt) for the best for both of you, insha´Allah.

    This internet phenomenon has brought the wonderful opportunity to learn about Islam online, there are many good pages that teaches you, step by step, to pray your salat. In this site you have on the top of this page a link with duas, tawbah and Istikhara.

    You can find too, the Names of Allah(swt) and his Attributes, recitations of the Quran, even you can read it in english, arabic and transliterated at the same time, you just need the will to do it, and if you don´t have it, tell Allah(swt) to give you the strength to enter the straight Path, He is listening to your Heart and if you feel the call, the time will be short for you to begin to search and learn, insha´Allah.

    You can have arabic lessons online, you will need discipline, but it seems you are used to study, and you can ask Allah(swt) to guide you, if you go with an empty Heart eager to be filled with knowledge I am sure, you will be guiding others with your own example, soon, insha´Allah.

    One of the writers of this site (Stranger) shared with us the following book in pdf about duas, I find it extremely helpful, Alhamdulillah;

    There is a page where you can find how to perform your salat and the specific times you have to do it in the country you are, you can take a look while you decide about the kind and generous Sister Z´s offer.

    Insha´Allah, all of this will help you in this difficult trial you are living.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  5. I also just want to send my faith and prayers to both aemish, and also Mohammed who posted. Life is full of struggle and it can bring us to some very defeating times. I have no advice, as I think both of you already know what to do, it is just difficult to do and you could use some support.

    Mohammed, unfortunately, you cannot make your wife choose, but if you wish, continue to try more to let her know you love her, then you will know for yourself that you are doing the right and honest thing.

    aemish, you do deserve a husband who respects you and you deserve to be strong and care for yourself and your daughter on your own, also (with help of friends and family).

    I cheer for both of you, you are doing great so far in very hard situations. These kinds of burdens come to all human beings, we can't seem to escape them, and the only way is to hold on to the mercy of Allah and to remember how precious our loved ones are, especially our innocent children.

  6. i am a muslim woman i am 26 yrs old i am heart broken and desperatly looking for a husband as i need my own children i dont want to have children out of marrage i am scared and ashamed infront of my family as familly values are imortant to me as well as my own values i am a student studing business at College also hope to go to university as soon as i finish College inshallah i live at home with my mum and dad.

    • Dear Sister Leila,

      I hear your desperation and inshaAllah you will be blessed with a spouse and offspring who are the comfort of your eyes. Make lots of dua as this is the month of Mercy. At the same time, make the effort. Spread the word that you are looking to get married, start networking, join marriage bureaus.

      But before any of that - find yourself again. By that, I mean, if you come across as desperate when seeking a spouse, it'll make anyone run a mile in the opposite direction. So find happiness in yourself, establish a strong bond with Allah and His deen, do things you enjoy, learn about Islam, have some chill out time with friends and let yourself develop. A happier woman is more attractive than a sad one.

      If you have any questions you would like to ask, please log in and submit them as a separate post inshaAllah.

      SisterZ Editor

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