Falling out of love with my husband
Should I stay for the sake of our unborn child?
Assalamulaikum, I am a sister in need of advice from both brothers and sisters.
Me and husband are in early 20's. I have been married for just 9 months and expecting our 1st born which we cannot wait for. My husband and I knew one another before marriage.
He was everything I needed in terms of deen,love,patience,respect and support. He still is a wonderful person but he has pushed me away so badly. My husband does not care when he makes me cry, he gets mad. My husband does not like to or want to be intimate with me.
We have discussed it with one another endlessly & it now leads to fights and I hate that. His words are "I don't like having sxx.. there are more important things in our relationship, it's not you it's me, accept that I will not sleep with you". I miss him so much as it was the only closeness we had at the start of marriage and now i'm left feeling so ugly, lonely and trapped.
I do everything for him. I am stuck at home and my day consists of cooking and cleaning, washing and ironing for him and his mother, greeting any guests with tea, shopping for the house, sorting his work lunch to take, sorting his bills or letters & making sure his mother is okay. I am heavily pregnant and I do it to make him happy.
I know none of this is in Islam, it is in the culture but a wife is suppose to make her husband happy and it is all that will make him happy.
I love him and he says he loves me but he does not consider how much this has been hurting me as I only want my husband to make me feel beautiful, no other man. I miss the physical contact and crave intimacy.
He says he will never cheat but to accept that men get bored easily even though he apparently find me attractive still. I go beyond trying as I always dress up pretty, do my hair and makeup no matter what, yet nothing. I try going plain and simple hoping that is what he wants yet nothing. In fact he physically pushes my hand away and makes excuses. I was petite and thin when we married & still am as I have not gained enough weight during pregnancy so it cannot be my size.
Please help me. I am scared of living my entire life feeling unhappy, unattractive and insecure. I pray and pray as it's all I am left with as it brings hope but my patience is thin now. I am still young and I have desires as women do. But how come my husband doesn't?
We have discussed all possibilities but turns out he does not fancy me like he use to. Shall I stick to a marriage with zero intimacy and attraction, no concern for my feelings because he has made it very clear that things will only get worse for my liking. As though he is not scared of losing me. I also fear committing a sinful act and cheating.
Please don't judge me I am just so upset and mad and lonely. Shall I stay for the sake of my unborn child. I feel like I am falling out of love as he keeps pushing me away. I am trying to save my marriage but he does not seem to care enough to try.
tamtamxxx
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Salaam Sister,
In my opinion what's going on is that your emotionally unstable due to your pregnancy. It is very common among pregnant women and nothing to worry about. The Husband must have known about this and taken better care of you during this emotionally difficult 9 months of your pregnancy.
Please don't take any harsh decisions now and keep yourself together as your sadness will affect your child. Try to be happy as much as you can, because once you have a healthy child you'll thank yourself for being happy during this difficult times.
Make dua that your husband becomes better towards you, but don't take any rash decision untill after you have your baby and have spent a few months after the delivery recovering from post natal depression.
In the mean time I recommend you read some books on pregnancy.
For the marriage I recommend both of you to read, His Needs Her Needs and The five Love Languages.
May Allah give you lots of patience.
Brother asif,
You've given good advice but I don't think it's reasonable for you to call her emotionally unstable because of the pregnancy. She is right about wanting intimacy from her husband, that's her right from her husband, it's probably a sin to refuse intimacy. I think the problem here is with the husband. It would be ideal to get to the bottom of what's causing this issue and work from there. May Allah help resolve their issues Ameen.
Assalamo alaikum sis.
Congratulations on your marriage, and impending motherhood!
It's often said and with good reason that the first few years of marital life are the hardest. I think this is because very often, the boy and girl enter matrimony with magnified expectations from each other, and married life, to find that those expectations are not fitting in on the ground level, in practical life. It's very sweet and very sad and inevitable at the same time. The girl like every newly wed, wants to feel special, and beautiful and loved and appreciated, and for there to be romance in her new life. What actually happens is that the boy after getting married, realizes that love and romance are nice in their place, but a couple cannot live only by roses and moonshine 🙂 There are responsibilities to be shouldered, a home to run, a wife and upcoming child to be provided for, parents to be looked after, bills to be paid, a career to embark on. All these responsibilities are time and effort consuming, and take a lot out of the boy, especially if he is the main breadwinner. At the end of the day he gets tired and exhausted and mentally drained, which often don't leave him in the mood for intimacy.The girl, especially if she is young and idealistic, is disappointed at this lukewarm attitude from her new husband, which lead her to nag and argue with her mentally drained husband, which causes him to be
even more put off. You see the vicious cycle here? Both sides's feelings are natural, but kind of antagonistic to each other.
Sis, what you can do is
1) Try to understand where he is coming from. If you love him, then try to care for him as well.Try to understand his mental frame of mind and moods.It may be that he is feeling more of the financial pressure after getting married, or pressure about his career, all of which may have caused a change in his mood.Intimacy very often is all about one's state of mind. Its hard to makes one's spouse feel attractive and desired, or to romance her, if one is mentally drained.
2) Try not to nag at him or argue about every small thing ..( I know this is super hard) but as far as I have observed, there is no quality hated by men more than nagging.Pick and choose your battles carefully, and sometimes you just have to let some things go.Try to be calm and reasonable while conversing with him, especially when he is tired or in a bad mood.Give him some time to himself, he will appreciate that you value his space, and will insha Allah value you more.
3) Sis, tough as it is to admit, there will definitely be a shift in attractiveness in a slim beautiful unmarried girl (like you were before marriage) and a harassed housewife, who cooks,cleans and is the mother of his child.Even if you look the same, but the shift in image will cause a shift in desirability, atleast at first, while both spouses are going through an adjustment phase.BUT, it does not have to cause a shift or decrease in love..The beautiful slim girl was a plastic image, an illusion. A wife who cooks, cleans for him, cares for his parents, bears his child, understands him well, loves him and become his helpmeet despite his faults will be of infinite more value to him, and with time insha Allah he will come to love you more.
4) Sister, pray to Allah and thank Him in every prayer for every good quality that your husband possesses.You said yourself that he is a wonderful person.You do not realize how very lucky and blessed you are, or how many women crave to call their husbands wonderful. Try to appreciate him, his every good quality, and show him that.It will cause an increase in bonding, in love and in intimacy insha Allah.
5) I think if you show him understanding, sympathy and value his space, with time he himself will become more adjusted to married life easily, and that mental connection, so essential to true intimacy will return stronger than ever, and then insha Allah he will give you all that you crave for, and more.
Finally sis, I have to say, I don't think you are actually falling out of love with him.I think you are just going through that disillusionment every girl goes through, when newly married when she realizes life is not a fairy tale, a husband no Prince Charming, and a' happily ever after' has to be earned after a long time,through infinite patience, mutual respect and empathy. Don't even think of ending your marriage at this stage! Give it your all and insha Allah you will be rewarded.Good luck!
May the Peace, Mercy and Blessing of Allah be Upon You.
I hope you continue to show love and respect to your husband, with all the trials and tribulations that life gives you, and gives you clear focus and understanding, on how to have a successful marriage.
There is no doubt that what you mention is very difficult, and it is the duty of the husband is to take care of his wife, in all aspects of her life, and being intimate with one’s spouse is means of charity and keeps one another chaste (Pure) even if one of the spouses does not have an urgent need for that, they do it for the other partner, for the sake of meeting his/her needs.
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (1006) from Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “…the intimacy of one of you (with his wife) is a charity.” They said: O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, will he be rewarded for that? He said: “Do you not see that if he did it in a haraam manner, there would be a burden of sin on him for that? Similarly, if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded for it.”
Try to understand better why the he is not interested in sex, you can communicate with him to understand this better than anyone else online. (Communication with each other about your feelings is key)
Make sure that he is not facing any psychological problems, could also be of issue i.e. little confidence, uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts, excessive feelings of panic, fear and uneasiness, repeated thoughts of flashbacks of traumatic experiences, may become overly stressed when about to engage in intercourse and lose of focus.
Make sure that you close all avenues to your husband fulfilling his desire, except with his wife. It is natural that if your husband has got used to other ways that are haraam, such as masturbation (porn) this will affect his ability – mentally, physically and spiritually.
Try to reconnect with Allah by following the 5 pillars of Islam to the best of your ability, so that you keep away from evil thoughts and actions. Also both of you should be proactive to gain more Islamic knowledge on how to have successful marriage, so that you don’t fall short on the rights of each other.
May Allaah give you both strength to overcome this problem and make your married life easy for you both as this just the beginning of a wonderful life together.
We ask Allaah to set things straight between you and your husband, and to endear him to you and you to him, and to reconcile between you.
Assalaamu Alaykum,
You said that when you married your husband, he was good for you in terms of the deen. If that's the case, then I'm sure he's aware that your sexual rights on him are just as secure as his over you. I think that you need to talk to him from that frame of reference, and see what he thinks.
If he agrees you have sexual rights and then out of his own taqwa to try to work on the issue, then be generous with your patience and try to help him to help you.
If he acknowledges that you do have sexual rights, but seems to have no intentions of fulfilling them or even asks you to give them up, that is unreasonable. That contradicts the entire spirit of love and mercy. There are a number of men who have sexual intimacy issues or even impotence, but if they truly love their wives they want to work toward solutions so that she is not left hanging.
If this second one is the case, ask him what HE thinks a fair solution is. If he genuinely expects you to take all the pain and sacrifice, and he makes no efforts, that is a huge issue that will probably become apparent in other marital areas (you just haven't been with each other long enough to see it yet). In that case, I think you need to do a family conference as per the sunnah to try to get it resolved in one manner or another.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
How did you get pregnant if he doesnt like having sxx. Something may be going on with him , that he isnt opening up about , perhaps some kind of fear or dilemma
He is probably just tired from work, or maybe feels like an inadequate lover, or maybe gets turned off by his wife nagging him for sxx and stuffs all the time. In my opinion, she should continue to support him like she has been doing, be conscious of her words to him, and try to start small and work on just hugging him daily first...then move on to more intimacy if that works.
Wa alaikum Assalam Sr. Tamtam,
Congratulations on your pregnancy--may Allah swt help you to pass through it with ease, inn shaa Allah.
On one hand you say that your husband is everything that you need in terms of deen, but on the other hand, you state that he does like or want to be intimate with you. These two things do not go hand in hand.
The only way that a woman or a husband can satisfy their need for intimacy is through marriage. In our Deen, we learn that The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy with one's life partner there is sadaqa:
God's Messenger(s) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "0 Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
The relationship between spouses should be that of mercy:
"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy." (Quran, 30:21)
That is what our Deen says--what your husband is saying and doing to you is NOT what our Deen says.
Furthermore: "Three things are counted inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy, satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from him." (Daylami)
So, your husband says that men are easily bored and now what? He was intimate with you, got you pregnant, now he is bored with you? He is leaving you physically not-satisfied, and further psychologically damaging you with his rather hurtful comments.
Allah says in the Quran:
Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves. And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. And give good tidings to the believers. [2:223]
Allah gives us the example that wives are a place of sowing of seed--I would imagine that Allah swt's reference to farming and land means that tending to one's place of sowing seeds would require great care and nurturing. One wouldn't leave it or neglect it. Clearly, Allah says to fear Him as one day we will have to meet him--is this not a clear indication to any Muslim husband? They might think that women have a responsibility to fulfill their needs, which is true, but that doesn't save them from their own responsibility--and clearly Allah swt is giving a direct and clear warning about this.
There is a hadith that says: "Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you." "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words." (Daylami)--If a husband should take such great care in how he approaches a woman for intimacy, which is enjoyable for husband and wife, how would it be alright for a husband to use harsh words for his wife and say: "I don't like having s**...accept that I will not sleep with you." This is NOT acceptable and to suggest otherwise, is also not acceptable.
I have to say when I was reading you describe yourself physically-I had to cringe. The way that he has treated you has made you so insecure that you feel the need to describe and defend your physique. Listen dear, he married you, right now you are pregnant and a husband should be supporting a wife who has taken on the job of carrying a child in her womb. People will say that makes you emotional, but it doesn't make you dumb. Your situation is valid and your husband's behaviour isn't acceptable.
I agree with Sr. Amy's post above--you will have to have a family conference with your elders involved if he is serious about not giving you your sexual rights. If women are supposedly extra emotional in pregnancy (as suggested by some), then all the more reason to take care of them!
Many people have suggested that you try to understand what he may be going through and while that is important in determining where he is going with this, it doesn't mean that you should live your life like this if this continues. You have mentioned that you fear committing a sinful act and for that reason alone, your husband is in the wrong. A brother/father/son can financially care for a female relative, but a husband is the ONLY one who can be intimate with that woman--so, what was the point of getting married only to live like a brother and sister?
Finally, had the roles been reversed, many would have reminded you would be cursed by the angels for not satisfying your husband--I am not sure why people are treating this situation lightly and asking you to be understanding--but I can assure you that after reading about the rights of BOTH spouses, rights to intimacy is a serious one. If you are still unsure after reading the replies to your post, then I suggest that you not only consult with the elders in your family, but also a Muslim Scholar and/or Counsellor. I can't imagine anyone telling you that this is the way you should expect to live.
May Allah swt ease your difficulties. Ameen. Focus on your baby for now as baby needs you most. Know that you are not wrong.
Salaam brothers and sisters
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sorry I'm new with this but how do you submit your question?
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamulaikum, I am a sister in need of advice from both brothers and sisters.
I have been married for 2 years now baby number 2 on the way before i find out I was pregnant with my second child he and I wanted to leave each other because he was always telling me I am the man that's what I want to be so I have too think about 1 how I have to pay for the bills, 2 I have to stay home not have friends because I am a girl (only boys can go out) 3 his doing me a faver to be married to me keeping me out of sin. lets not forget when we first got married it was not happy times aswell his family didn't wanna me to be in their life or his I still thought one day their will come around inshallah I got pregnant pushed me to have an abortion which lend me to try to kill myself then from there for 9 month wallah hardly stayed home with me when he finds out gives it to his family that are not in his need at all wouldn't look at me hit me and call me crazy. after I had the baby he got closer but I got further from him he grow lots of hate in me from there I tried and tried to get divorced but he wouldn't let that happen, sleeping with him felt like rape felt like I got no choice with my body coz his my husband I tried to give it to him as less as I can coz I don't love him I don't like looking at him. talking to the family all their said is try to him a chance with open heart I did, I even said come lets go to your family its been a year and half if we gonna be together and have childs is not fair I get treated like a bad person they don't wanna see and my childs he goes there sleeps there but just no us, back to the story he didn't want us to go there at all he told me that 'I feel like your not the woman I like to talk to my mom" tell this to anyone their would think is she bad girl when I think I got a heart of gold but cry to put myself to sleep, 6 month ago he said I don't love you swell and only here for my child, I told him that's an excuse, leaving me don't mean your not gonna be a father anymore it just means I get a chance to be happy again with or without a man and you get to make your family and yourself happy find the girl that's right for you, I begged him to leave me and he said the divorce word while the person got us married was on the phone, for 3 weeks he didn't call that's okay but you can't just switch off your child am going though some bad sometimes too so I called him and asked when you coming to take him for few days he said am busy when he was out and about no work nothing just chilling and told me this was your choice and that's your child if you want me to be there for him then take take me back like you yourself told me you don't love me and that you feel sorry for me so what's all of this talk, I told him please stop wasting time and man up there might be a time I will do what your doing and your might never see him again in your life which is not nice for you and for him don't play his life like that, he blocked me that same moment. 2 weeks after he lift I got sick and took a pregnancy which then I find out I was pregnant the family told him he came back said I am really sorry and I told him I am sorry too that the love I had for you is truly gone I can't look other way I just can't but I am pregnant only Allah knows best so I take you back for that sick 2 weeks of him being back he then says AGAIN get an abortion its your body make the right choice but what I believe is your right is my body to let who's to touch me or what I do with it but when it comes to baby their got a choice to and I have NO right to take that away from them even do I am the one carrying them for 9 month Allah has placed the baby in my body so I got NO CHOICE WHAT SO EVER. he lift again but this time coz I don't love him anymore it felt good he was not around didn't care at all just wanted to keep myself happy but I needed his help with my child as I pay for all the bills anyway. he came back and hasn't lift since its been 4 month. after I have this baby I truly don't wanna be with him I don't sleep with him and I know he got needs I do too but my heart and soul is not with him I don't like when he touches me I don't like when he talks to me I don't like anything about him, and I don't want that for him or for me is not fair on us.
what can I do please help
sorry for my writing is bad
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