Islamic marriage advice and family advice

False promise of marriage – turning to Allah for revenge


Questions -

1. A 31 year old Syed educated man uses a woman for his entertainment (Emotionally for 6 months) on the false promise of marriage. Will Allah accept his Namaaz (prays 5 times daily) and Roza (fasts entire month) ?

2. An aggrieved woman gives bad-dua to a man for hurting her and using her emotionally. Will he be cursed? Has the woman sinned?

3. In Islam - can a man approach a girl for marriage, know her, make the girl fall in love with him, enjoy her companionship and then say his father does not accept the match as they are from 2 different Indian states? Should he not have found his parents criteria before approaching the girl? Is he responsible for his actions under Islam ?


I am a well educated post graduate girl working in an MNC earning a handsome salary. I belong to a Syed family and everybody in my family loves me a lot.

Two years ago I was engaged to a man who was chosen by my father's sister. Before the engagement I fought with my family. Reason - They did not allow me to talk to the man or know him. I protested that I have the right to chose the man I want to marry but was silenced. I was given the reason that its a man's world and women have no options. I was not against arranged marriage but I just wanted to know if the man and I were compatible. The engagement broke off (after 5 months). Reason - I talked to the man (behind my family's back) on Skype and found out he had suicidal tendencies. During our chat sessions he would hit himself with belts, utensils or choke himself  if I did not agree to what he was saying. I always had to agree on everything otherwise he would try to kill himself. I complained to his mother also but the behavior of the man continued. When the engagement broke off everyone (in my family) blamed it on bad luck. I was depressed for 1.5 yrs and refused to get married to anyone as I was terribly hurt.

I now decided to find a man for marriage on my own. Reason - My family still refused to let me talk or know any suitable suitors because they said the society does not allow it . I registered on a matrimonial site. I was approached by a well educated namazi man. I told him to talk to my parents. He said it was important for him to know the girl first and said that his family does not allow the boy to know the girl before marriage. Same problem as mine. I told him I will get a temporary phone number and then talk to him. He refused. He forcefully made me give my permanent number after harassing me for 3 days. We got to know each other. We liked each other. I told him about my past and reason why I was out to search a man on my own. He gave me his father's number. I told my father to call his father (My family knew I was on matrimonial site but did not know I was talking on phone with him). His father refused the proposal saying the families belong to two different Indian states. When I confronted the man, he said his father is the deciding factor. I asked him why he approached me when different states was such a major issue. He told me to place him on backburner while he tries to convince his father. I really liked him so gave it a try. However, his actions were not that of a backburner. He expected me to be on his beck and call, was possessive, did not like when I told him about other proposals and my life started revolving around him.   After two months when there was nothing substantial happening from his front, I told him I was leaving him and left.

He got in touch with me after a week based on some or the other pretense. I thought he genuinely likes me and needs time to convince his father. I took him back. Although I had kind of gotten over him but gave him another chance. Now I genuinely fell in love with him. I kept asking him about marriage. Again he said place me on backburner. I told him that was not possible as I had fallen in love with him. We had lots of fights on this. He stopped replying to my mails. After 3 weeks I called him and asked him if he has spoken to his father. He said he was at home after 6 months and did not talk to his father about me. He said he has nothing to do with me anymore. He gave me useless reasons. I cried a lot. I had failed again in terms of marriage.

Now I turned to Allah for revenge on this man because he used me emotionally for 6 months.I was not performing at work also as I was giving all my time to this man because I wanted to get married and was investing in this relationship for the same.  I offered namaz and gave this man lots of bad-dua. I cursed him. I begged Allah to punish him for misleading women on the false promise of marriage. This is the first time I have cursed someone.


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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I can understand how hurt you feel, and how what you've been through has caused you to want to see this man be held accountable. It's true, there are so many men (and women) who mislead those whom they meet online about marriage, themselves, and all kinds of things. It's sad that there are that many dishonest people out there.

    It looks to me that it may have been a good thing for you that things didn't work out with this man. He was dishonest, pushy and didn't respect your boundaries. I doubt such a person would've made a good husband, so you were saved from a lot of heartache it seems to me. Yet I understand how even that may not console what you've endured, but it could help you find peace.

    You said your ordeal with him went on for 6 months, which isn't very long in the scheme of things. Maybe it's better in this case to praise Allah that it was only for that short amount of time and not longer, or even worse- being stuck in a marriage for years with someone who had ill character! Remember that the case of the believer is one that no matter what you go through, it always works to benefit you whether in this life or the hereafter. Not only have you gained experience to use when you get to know others (perhaps online), but you may have earned reward for having been put through all that. If I were you, I wouldn't easily put that up for sacrifice by calling curses or "bad dua" on him. It may be that Allah credits some of the reward of this trial meant for you to his account because you have a desire to take revenge.

    Wanting to "get back" at someone for hurting us doesn't usually work out for us in the end. Getting hurt is part of life, and the beauty of it is in finding a way to forgive and move on. People who have difficulty with this or try to resist it usually end up becoming overly suspicious with others, carrying grudges, and taking on an overall bitter disposition that pushes others away. You're young, and you don't want to set yourself on that track. Take assurance that Allah is the best of judges, and will account everyone their deeds in a way better than we ever could.

    Finally, it must be recognized that he was not the only actor in what came about. You had the choice at any point to walk away and not play the games he wanted to, but you chose to keep giving him time to get things in order. You have to be willing to accept that your choice (and it was understandably with good intentions) is part of what caused things to continue on as they did. Granted, you were hoping for the best, so that's why we call them mistakes....and we all make them. Maybe part of the resentment you're working through is not being able to allow yourself to fail or make a poor decision. We're all human, and we will all make bad decisions for all kinds of reasons, so being able to accept that sometimes you're going to make a bad judgment is part of gaining the wisdom needed to make better choices for oneself.

    -Amy Editor

    • Amy,

      You have given the best answer for this girl i see. and there are a lots of inspiration in your words.. i hope allah will help this girl to be brave and remember all this have to happen in life.. and remember allah always know the best of every problem and he always have a better solution for you for your future.. they key is to forgive, and have faith in allah.


    • I don't agree with you at all. Islam is not a passive religion, if someone has wronged you, you have every right to make baddua for him. This girl was exploited emotionally for 6months (It may not be very long time) but we still cannot dismiss how intensely one can feel, it differs from one person to another. Maybe the girl was very sensitive and she felt eveything very intensely and will end up taking more time than normal to get out and lead a normal life. She might suffer from chronic depression, I know what it feels like. A man got me emotionally attached for 2years and then backed off in a matter of a day saying his family didnt like me. The problem with most men nowadays is they keep multiple options and they are expert liars! Lying, cheating and deceiving are grave sins and Allah will not spare such people. It is right to curse such people because Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said ' If you see something wrong, try to stop it with your hand, if you cannot try to stop it with your tongue and if you cannot do this either, try to curse it in your heart and know that it is the least degree of faith'.
      So please let people vent out and complain to Allah.

      • Asalamualaykum Munazza,

        It is understandable that in the moment, the person who has been wronged may curse or make dua upon the one who hurt them. This is done in an emotional state and isn't always representative of facts or what the person genuinely feels.

        However, it is not wise to keep that bad feeling in one's heart for long. It prevents healing and disempowers the person who has been hurt, because they feel that the other person is responsible for their life, actions, and feelings. Islam being an assertive, rather than a "passive" religion doesn't mean that one should take the least desirable action. It means that we take the action that will be of most benefit to us, as Allah does not want us to hurt ourselves in any way.

        Furthermore, we have a hadith that says the following:

        The Prophet (sa) said: He who supplicates for his brother behind his back (in his absence), the Angel commissioned (for carrying supplication to his Lord) says: Amen, and it is for you also. (Sahih Muslim 2732)

        By this, it can be understood that the opposite may also be true...that if we wish bad upon someone, the same wish may come upon us.

        Learning to forgive and move on is definitely a's not easy at first...but harboring resentment in our hearts is not the answer. Also, as Amy stated, the poster may have also played a role in the way things turned out with this guy. Wouldn't she like to be forgiven by Allah?



  2. Hate, revange is only going to hurt you, keeping you in a negative emotional state. I am glad you moved away from the suicidal guy you were engaged too. Best thing is if you can meet a guy with full knowledge of your family and his family and then decide about marriage. Forget about that guy and move on.

    It is very common that south asian men get involved with girls under pretense of marriage and leave their under the pretext their parents found some one else for them.

    This trick is used with WHITE women a lot.

  3. I think(Allah knows best), maybe some of the trouble you've had in finding a spouse may have more to do with the fact that you have been actively participating in a haraam relationship for the past (Skype,phone,videochat with non-mahrem men). Even though you rejected the previous man and this man rejected you in the end, engaging in those type of associations could earn Allah's displeasure enough for Him to withhold from you a good spouse. If you repent of that relationship and go forward dealing with non-mahrem in the proper way, it could be that opportunities for marriage will begin to come to you in Insha'Allah.

    Muslims should neither curse nor imprecate each other with words such as, ‘May the Curse of Allah be upon you,’ or ‘I wish you to burn in Hell-fire,’ etc.

    Narrated Samurah Ibn Jundub (radhi allahu anhu), ‘Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam) said, ‘Do not curse one another, invoking curse of Allah or Wrath of Allah or the fire of Hell.’ [Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee]

    To curse a Muslim is akin to killing him. Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam) said, ‘Cursing a believer is like murdering him.’ .The act of cursing is such that one who does it can himself become a recipient of it.

    Narrated Abu Darda (radhi allahu anhu), ‘Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam) said, ‘When a person curses (La’nah; to ask that something be deprived of Allah’s Mercy) somebody or something, the curse goes up to the heaven and the gates of the heaven are closed. Then it comes down to the earth and its gates are closed. Then it turns right and left, and if it does not find an entrance to go anywhere, it returns to the person or thing that was cursed, if he or it deserves to be cursed; otherwise, it returns to the person, who uttered it.’ [Abu Dawood] Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam) also warned, ‘Those who frequently resort to cursing would neither be accepted as witnesses nor as intercessors on the Day of Resurrection.’ [Saheeh Muslim]

    It is not allowed to curse, disgrace or humiliate even a sinner because in doing so, one helps the Shaytan, who is avowed to disgrace and humiliate Muslims before Allah. Narrated Abu Hurayrah (radhi allahu anhu), ‘A drunkard was brought to the Prophet (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam). He (r) said, ‘Give him a beating.’ Then some beat him with their hands, some with their shoes, and some with (a folded) piece of cloth. When he left, someone said to him, ‘May Allah disgrace you!‘ The Prophet (sallallahu aliahi wa-sallam) said, ‘Do not help Shaytan overcome him by uttering such words.’ [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

  4. Salam sister, My story is similar to yours. I have also met a girl through matrimonial website and we both belong to different Indian states. In sha Allah we are planning to get married soon. Family objection is not going to be an issue here. As a man i do not need permission from my family. But my family cares only about Dheen and doesn't give any importance to language,culture or ethnicity, thankfully. But, the problem is, there is one more girl who talked to me earlier whom i met through the same matrimonial site. I did not promise her anything and we stopped talking after few days. Now she started calling me again and says she misses me a lot. If i tell her now that i'm going to marry someone else, will she be hurt? Am i responsible for that? I am confused a lot. I feel, i should not have used this matrimonial site at all.

    • Since you haven't promised her anything yet, I'd suggest that you let her know before she gets far with the matter. She may be heart broken if you wait to tell her later. So just tell her now Brother, and then stop talking to each other.

    • mashaAllah did it work out for you brother?
      Yes seriously those matrimonial sites or chatrooms or any type of meeting and forming strong intention to marry before formally asking parents is so painful ..especially when we have high hopes parents will accept and when we finally have the guts to ask them . they reject, now time for heartache Allahul musta'an

  5. Exactly how many millions of people in bilad al hind (South Asia) claim to be from sayyid families?
    The number of claimants seems exponentially greater than the number that is actually possible.
    There are not nearly that many claimants in the actual place the Imams lived (Arabia and Iraq).

  6. Hi Iam a muslim boy and i fall in love with non muslim girl.

  7. Assalamo alikum sister,
    Falling in love is something that you cannot control. But you should not give any baddua to anyone as Allah is watching everything and he will punish that boy sooner or later. You know if you are trying to get a boy for your marriage then i would recommend you to leave everything on Allah. Pray and make duas for you Mr. Right. He will definitely come you by his own and accept whatever is happening with. Please leave it to destiny s you know if you are a righteous woman you will get the best husband InshaAllah.

  8. Cursing wont help. If you truly believe he has done wrong with you u must fight for justice. Everyone speaks of moving on and all. but the ones who has suffered knows how it feels to be cheated. I think u should do something rather than just curse and leave this.

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