Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals


Family shattered by husband's addiction



I am going through a lot of pain and agony, mostly emotional. I would first like to share my background so you guys would better understand my state of mind.

I was born in a decent family and we were financially stable when I was a kid. However, then mom and dad started having problems in their marriage.

My father sold the house where we lived...I liked that house and had a lot of friends, so that was so painful for me. I also didn't like the new house. Then, after a few months, my parents got divorced. My mom was mentally ill, so she behaved weirdly -- I was not close with her as I was a kid and did not understand her and hence, did not like her.

One day, she left us all after a fight and I didn't miss her much then and still don't because we never had an actual mother-son  relationship. My dad remarried--I told him not to--but he did and those were bad people. That woman used to beat me and gas lighted and manipulated me and my sibling.

We went through that pain for two years until our father finally realized it and moved us out. We hadn't told him about the abuse before as she was a manipulator and we were just kids. We stayed in our relatives' house for almost two years, my father got a second divorce, and then we had a lot of financial problems, due to my father's stupid life decision. Now we were homeless so lived on rent, and also had financial problems, my father decided to marry again as there was no "mother" in the house, he said,

I opposed but who would listen to a 14-year-old? Even that third wife was not good, though she never beat us like the second wife did, but she quarreled a lot unnecessarily. That disturbed my peace, but I tried to stay nice with her regardless. She had complex issues--even when she had a fight with my father, she took that anger out on me! Over the years I too grew frustrated and despised her. She fought with me unnecessarily for petty issues.

We were challenged as far as my education went, as we didn't have money, but somehow, I completed my degree. That third wife of my father was not happy hence she took khula from him (she was having an affair).

During my college years, I developed the habit of masturbation. I liked a couple of girls but the feelings were never reciprocated. I have craved love for a long time. Whenever I liked a girl, she turns out to be inaccessible to me; she either likes someone else or has a boyfriend or simply not interested in me...the list goes on. I have been very unlucky till now in matters of love.  At one point in college, I developed feelings for a girl and it took me YEARS to get over her, even after completing college just recently. It was very, very tough.

Since our financial condition was bad, I had to get a job asap and earn a lot so that I could settle down. I am almost financially stable now Alhamdulillah. My family is now searching for a bride for me but the search is too slow because it's usually mothers who do this in a proper way. My father is doing it but he is also relying on other people, as he isn't having much luck. My mother is estranged and mentally not well so she is not involved. Also, our relationship with my mother's family is not that good because of my parents' divorce, so our choices are now fewer as we can't approach their acquaintances. My father also has a bad reputation in my family as he has married multiple times so that altogether has made my bride search really difficult, because arranged marriages usually rely on family connections. I also bought a house because we had none as very few people were considering me for marriage before, only girls who were not getting proposals were ready for me, and I didn't like those proposals.

I have tried hard to find love on my own but never found it. I am in my late 20s my age is increasing not able to find a suitable partner, my family says do not go for looks but the thing is that it is important for me to feel attracted to my spouse. How can I love my wife if I don't feel attracted to her? Because I got a few proposals, but I didn't like them, so my father is very frustrated with me. Of course I won't marry a girl who is beautiful but has a bad character, but I hope you got my point.

I have been working to be financial stable and am finally doing good in that respect, but being in my late twenties, pressure to choose a girl is increasing...but I still want to marry a girl whom I would genuinely like. I want to marry once only, not marry multiple times like my father did. I even liked a girl's profile a lot but when we approached them, she was engaged, we missed her unfortunately. Like, why does it happen that I always miss out on girls I like?

I feel afraid of having a bad spouse, I am really scared, I really just want a woman whom I will love and who loves me. When I see other happy couples, I really feel envious and know this is not good, but what should I do? I have waited for so long, been through so much, and it's getting too much for me now. I have tried a lot to stop masturbation but failed to do so. I just feel so insecure about my future spouse and whether I will get a good one or not.

Years of loneliness, not getting enough love from my parents, not having close friends due to frequent moving, lots of unrequited love have all took a toll on me -- I feel older than my actual age. I have been addicted to masturbation for years and feel very dead inside. I just wish I no longer existed.




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5 Responses »

  1. Looks like you have been through quite a lot and the whole family.

    I would say be patient and the right person will come at the right time so dont give up. I would also say dont become desperate either...marrying the wrong person is worse.

    Your not the only one, my non Muslim freinds are in the same boat in fact everyone looking to settle is finding it hard in these current times.... however keep your faith in Allah...


  2. Asalamualaykum Brother,

    Watch out for the trap of avoiding marriage in order to avoid divorce! Nothing is 100% guaranteed and we do not know the future. Nobody does. It is in Allah's knowledge only. All you can do is put in your absolute best effort, of which only you are familiar. I understand that you don't want to be like your father or put anyone through that because of your proximity to the situation. But try not to fear. Do Salat Al-Istikhara and leave it in Allah's hands. You will be fine brother.

    Best Inshallah,


    • Thanks!

    • My advice would be to continue to search for the right one, once you feel good about it everything will fall into place , don't delay but also don't rush into it. The is a golden opportunity time for you, there are many good Muslim girls waiting for a proposal from you.

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