Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family is falling apart after my sister had an affair with my stepbrother

broken glass, family problems, falling apart, family break up, brother, sister, father

Family falling apart

Salam Iam speaking on behalf of my family. I have the worst situation possble so be prepared to answer with a personal opinion and islamic opinion on what i should do in my current situation.

My mother had cheated on my father three years ago, and a year after that he married his highschool sweetheart who also became a muslim before he even asked her in marriage. They had a daughter in highschool.My stepmother had seven children total and my father had five so we all united as a whole of twelve children.Things have been going so well for a long time. But as we know what's a family without secrets. MY blood sister Tas had been sneeking around with my stepbrother who is the same age as me. Ko is his name. Tas is two years older than him and when they were caught being inappropriate by touching each other in a haraam way the whole family started to deteriorate.

That was about two years ago since that happened and in those years its happened more than once. But this this would be by far the worst. My brother and sister were caught in bed together naked. She says she hasnt lost her virginity and I believe her. Now my brother is leaving the house for good, while my sister rots in the house. My father is a hard working man he has two jobs he works all day everyday, my stepmother has a job and goes to school. So theres no room for anymore of this family to be hurt like that. And my sister is so sorry for what she did and never will my family be the same. As a muslim this should be the worst as a female.

My dad has tried so hard to prevent this. All the girls of the house cover and dress apropriately and we cannot mingle or have guys for friends. But in the house my sister seems to have a problem with that. I'm not saying I dont have urges and i never wanted a boyfriend because as a fifteen year old girl of course you want a boyfriend but my sister cannot control her actions and my family has had enough. My whole life is turning up side down and i dont know what to do.I help my sister when others isolate her, I be there for her. Knowing how wrong she is. But now I will never have a whole family that sticks together. My dad is hurt so bad and my stepmom has to send her own son away so she's equally sad. I want to say were going to be okay but...this i dont think so.

I have so much to talk about but I have no one to talk to. Please help me this is urgent and may Allah bless you for your help. Its embarassing i know but i want my family to stay together my stepmom and her family fusing with us was the best thing that ever happend to me and since I got so little power i want to do the little i can to make things right.I know no that my writing is hard to explain im just trying to go fast



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6 Responses »

  1. Salam Maybun,

    I can only imagine your family is in a state of turmoil right now. Both your parents are distraught over what has taken place in their very home. The best thing you can do right now is to be there for your sister and remind her to repent to Allah for her transgressions as well as your step brother.

    Your family can once again be close like it was, it's just that right now some of your siblings actions have turned your home upside down. May Allah guide them both and may your family heal given time. It is not going to be easy, that is for certain but with prayer...anything is possible. I will be praying for your family.


  2. Salamu'alaikum,

    Let me have the correct understanding first.

    1. Your blood sister Tas is the daughter of your father and the mother who doesn't live with your father.
    2. Ko is NOT the son of your father but from another man (applies to the other 6 children of your step mother, too) and your step mother is his mother.
    3. You mentioned that they had a daughter in highschool. I am unable to understand if your father and step mother have a daughter who goes to high school or if they had a daughter when they went to high school.

    The issue is indeed very complicated. First, your father married the step mother and brought the seven children home. Then one of these had a relation with your sister Tas. Alhamdulillah, your sister has not lost her virginity as you mentioned. Now the issues to be taken care of are:

    1. Determining the relationship between Tas and Ko
    2. Bringing back happiness for Tas
    3. Bringing the family together

    Regarding the first point, Tas is not a Mahram to Ko which means she is lawful in marriage to Ko (based on my understaning mentioned above and on what I could make out from the fatwaa of the Great Scholars of Islam). To understand the same, please read the following fatwaa, and insha Allah, you will know what I mean:

    If I have understood it wrong, please correct me. While Ko is a non Mahram for Tas, they should not have been living together in the first place. Now that it has happened, and Tas is still pure insha Allah, they should stay away from each other.

    Now for the second point: bringing happiness to Tas. She has been in a great distress. The result of her actions are inctensifying her pains whether they are good or bad. She is felling guilty of what has happened because of her. Sins do happen but the best of the sinners are the ones who repent to Allah. So, let your sister repent to Allah and keep herself busy in Worship and Dhikr. Enrol her in some Deeni course or something of that sort, in order that she gets some peacce of mind. After that, get her married to a practicing Muslim, who would take care of her. Insha Allah, in this way, gradually, her pains will vanish.

    Third point which is bringing the family together. You have already read the relationship between the 5 children of your father and the 7 of your step mother. In such case, men from the 5 can not stay with women from the 7 and vise versa. The women have started to behave protective and that's good alhamdulillah. It should be done in a way that Tas does not feel bad about it. Maybe convince her about the relationship you have with the 7 children of your step mother and say that as practicing Muslims, you people are covering up, so that she doesn't feel all of that is due to her actions.
    Coming of all the twelve children together is not recommende for the reasons mentioned above. There are 10 more out of twelve who have the danger of doing the same thing (considering there are men other than Ko).

    I hope the three points have covered whatever you needed as an answer.
    May Allah shower his Mercy upon you, your family, and especially Tas
    Muhammad Waseem

    • Salamu'alaikum

      While I was reading your comment , I notice that u called Tas pure forgive me for asking but can a girl still be considered pure if she has committed sexual acts but not to the extent of sexual intercourse ? I am in no way trying to offend Tas just a general question 😀

      Your attention is highly appericated 🙂

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    Alhamdulillah, Br.Muhammad gives the correct advice is ensuring that the females and males must be separated in the house, because Islamically, they can marry since they do not share blood relation. Hijab must be observed, no touching, etc., etc.

    It is for the best decision that since Ko transgressed the boundaries and engaged in some form of illegal sexual act, since he is male, that he be sent to another place to live. The problem is that if he were to stay, he may engage the other females of the house. His sexuality is reaching a peak and his father must spend time with him teaching him the boundaries and tenets of Islam away from the females. This is something that he has to learn. Though the circumstances are terrible, it shows how these things can escalate and the importance of adhering to Islam at all times.

    This is also a problem for Tas, however. It's imperative that it be determined whether her sexuality is expressed to such a degree, and it's apparent that it is, so that marriage be seriously considered at this point. Remember that the sexual desires itself is not forbidden, only how it is expressed which can led to sin or to the opposite of worship. Ask you sister Tas, if she is ready to be married. Perhaps your parents do not realize how important this is for her, yet. So if she is ready to be married, then help her approach your parents about it.

    I would encourage you that you keep your sister Tas as your best friend and help her with the best forms of worship. Team up together for night prayers, wake up early to pray before Fajr and make a commitment this Ramadhan to assist each other in fasting and learning. Become her study partner and in a way, her partner on the Path of Redemption.

    I do want to state something however: Tas needs to speak to her mother about sexuality, guarding her chastity and learning modesty. Tas really needs a female role model to help her, so may be if you can find someone for her, if not her mother, who is representing Islam in the proper way, this would be for the best. Tas needs tutelage in this regard and maybe all the young women of the house need this, as well.

    It's important that your step-mother and blood mother start a serious program of uniting all the sisters on this front. It is imperative that the stronger ones help the weaker ones, in kind. The boundaries of the females and males should be acknowledged, separate rooms, different bathrooms, different pray areas, etc. Non-mahrams cannot interact with each other or be permitted to socialize with each other. It is difficult in your current situation, but this is the reality. If this is not done, there is the high probability that something of the sexual nature may happen in the future.

    Likewise, for the males, they need to know the limits of interaction. This can be practiced by all the sisters and brothers, respectively, and requested from your parents. Islam stresses on this point and your family has witnessed why this wisdom exists.

    However, dear little Sister, much seems to be on your mind. Talk with a trusted guide, mother or your step-mother. It seems that you are suffering so much and you can only do what you are capable of. Your family's cohesion is not entirely your responsibility. So please do not try to take this burden on yourself all alone. A family helps each other, but also should be considerate of each other. Please make sure that if anything becomes to stressful for you, that you find someone trustworthy to speak to about what you are feeling.

    Please respond back and let us know how things are developing.

  4. All this sibling/stepmother is confusing.
    Can you please clarify sister the relation between Tas and Ko.
    I was under the impression that your father is the father of Tas and Ko which will make them 'half siblings' and mahram. I may be wrong so if you could please clarify that would be great.

    Sara Editor

  5. I will try to explain after sometime. ok.

    in the meantime I will read the question again to understand myself.

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