Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His family is full of hate and drama

Muslim women waiting in line to vote at Jaafarabad, Delhi

Day 1

When I entered the house as a new bride, the eldest sister said, "your wife has so much attitude,"...because I didn't eat as much at dinner; I was shy.

Day 2

The same sister said, "There is a friend of mine named Sabah in London. She got married and went. I hate that name now." Back then I had no idea why she was saying this. Later on I found out Sabah was the name of my husband's ex wife.

After my husband left for London, that sister told me day and night about Sabah, how she did this and did that. Day and night I was compared with his ex-wife.

When I went back to my mothet's house for the first time, I was so excited to be back to my home. But the sister told my husband not to let me come back yet, as she wanted time alone with her mother. My husband abided.

When I got back, I was asked to cook things like lunch for everyone, but that was the time he would wake up in London and would want to talk to his new wife. Here they would say, "it's time to cook lunch and everybody needs food." I was torn.

He would never say to them, "I need time with her." But he would fight with me and get upset with me for not giving him my time. And if I would speak to him for some time, his sister would shout at me. I was told about his ex-wife day and night, and I found out that she was married to him for a year and not 4 months like he had told me. I thought it shouldn't matter now , because he loves me only. All I want is his love.

His family had a problem with her for making new clothes on Eid, and really with everything. In time I found out that they had the same problems with me, as they had with her. They basically can't stand anyone in his life.

In the meantime, his laptop was not cleaned, and I had to see all the pictures of his first honeymoon. Imagine a new wife who barely knows her husband, who is living among people she doesn't know, and who are not leaving a single opportunity to judge her. A wife who has just fallen pregnant, has new hopes...what would she be going through? I was told my unborn baby would die if I travel, as my husband was planning to call me to London. His sister went to every doctor to get a letter to say I can't travel. She would call me names in front of all his cousins- even on my birthday. He was there, but didn't say a word. She told someone else that I was wrong to want to stay away from my in-laws, but she herself was staying away from her in-laws.

My husband brought me anyway, and then started his expectations from me. Everything should be done without ever telling me what he need me to do. He would get upset with me for not ironing his clothes, and I would not have any idea what to do. It was my first time, I had never ironed anybody's clothes in my whole life. I didn't do any household chores, but I was expected to do everything with no learning curve. I was to cook the same kind of foods that were cooked in his home, which I had no idea about. His mother had said to him that a pregnant woman can do everything, so he wouldn't even care for me on days I would be really sick and starving, or if I was uncomfortable.

He applied for his mother's visa which got rejected, but when she finally came I told her, "Don't worry, XXX will also come soon as we'll apply for his visa."She said to me, "Please, you don't apply, let YYY do it because you did it last time and it got rejected." He told her he would give me something in gold for our first anniversary, and she constantly reminded him of his past and how she gave up her jewelry. So when it was our anniversary, we didn't leave her and go anywhere out of kindness, and she was so happy we were not celebrating.

Because of her, he shouted at me and left the house, and I saw a smile on her face. I was hoping that night when it was getting late, that he would come to me. I was wearing our wedding lingerie and waiting to spend time with him, but she didn't let him leave her room. He kept sitting with her until it was after midnight. Our anniversary was over.

Then we went for a dinner with his family. It was supposed to be a shared anniversary celebration. He chose to sit next to his mother. Since I was alone, others came and sat next to me. When the food came he served his mother and himself, and passed the bowl to me, asking me to pass it on to others. He didn't even bother looking at my empty plate, let alone serving me with his hands.

He gifted me an iPad for my birthday, and suddenly his mother couldn't bear this as she wanted one, too. She wanted to live the life I was living. If I walked next to him, she would push me with her elbow and hold his hand and walk...but he never noticed all this. On my first Eid in London I didn't know what all I had to do. He invited friends, plus he wanted everything to be done while wanting us to come for namaz with him. Even his mother said he should go while we prepare, but he didn't say anything to her, but instead fought with me. When I was crying and he came to me to make me feel better, she told him to leave me and go, and he listened.

She never let us close the door and he agreed. He let her access our privacy so much that she would come early morning to peep into our room. If I would get dressed because the landlord was going to come to visit, she would say she never got ready like that for her husband. And I literally went into shock hearing such things.

I just smiled to everything, even while the whole family was lying to him about me. He went to Calcutta and had a special conversation with his sister about the things I am doing wrong. His eldest sister told him how bad I am, and deleted the chat so I couldn't read it. His beloved brother told him other bad things I am doing wrong, saying that for the money I spent he could make a new flat. What about the money he was spending on them? He could not protect me even once. Or stand by me. Where did all his promises vanish to? Then I found out that his first marriage was not arranged like he had told me, it was love marriage and they were very much in love.

His brother came to London and I did everything for him: breakfast at 1, lunch at 4, dinner at 2. He didn't leave even a single opportunity to bad mouth me and add bitterness to my husband's heart. On our daughter's first birthday, I cooked alone till 4 am, and he didn't come even once to see if I needed any help. He told me all kinds of nasty things, like questioning what sort of a mother I was, even after doing so much for my daughter. I was not even congratulated by anyone in his family when she was born.

We bought a gold set for our daughter on her first birthday, but his mother fought with me saying it was selfishness. Then I asked to get a gold set for XXX, and when we did she was not happy with that either. One day a funeral was scheduled, and our daughter had a high fever. I told his sister she had fever and hadn't eaten anything since the morning. When she woke up I just wanted her to eat something. I saw a plate on the dining table with a few pomegranate molasses, and I gave that to her because it was her favorite fruit and I knew she would eat it. Your family was squeezing the seed into her mouth, so she left the bowl. Just out of worry that she had a fever and hadn't eaten (we used to worry because she wouldn't eat anything in those days), I took another pomegranate from the table and cut it and gave it to her in a different bowl. ZZZ got up picked up the other half, came to AAA, and showed him and said out loud, "That woman peeled another pomegranate. I wanted to return these because they were bad, and now I cannot because she took one more from the packet." I asked for milk from the kitchen as there was no space, and I was told there is none. So I asked my husband to bring fruits that our daughter likes, and milk because there was no more. Hey said to me, "I  know exactly what happened that day," blaming me for everything.

Honestly there is so much more that I can write. I have had enough. I will not take any insults anymore. That's why I stood up to his brother, who wants to be treated like a king everywhere and thinks the world revolves around him. He told my husband that our daughter doesn't even listen to him, and he believed him. He believes everything they tell him. When our daughter still went to his brother, he told her to get lost, and my husband still didn't say anything. Still kept pampering him. When will all this end?

This will only end when he does something about it. I don't want to bother him with all this, but this is just way too much. Many mothers complain about daughters-in-law, because after marriage their sons stop caring for their mothers. What has he stopped doing for them? He didn't care for his wife's happiness and her feelings, instead for 4 years and for them he does more than what he used to.

I have always looked after his parents and even his brother, which was not my responsibility. I've always been careful of cooking different foods for them. His mother- I washed her toilet so many times off the floor, washed her clothes, sat with her for hours, gave so much time to entertain her, washed her laundry, took her around. I asked my husband if we should give her the set, even after she compared and demanded all the things he did for me, to do for her.

Just how can we be happy? I think that's the problem. How can he love me and respect me? That's the problem. If he mistreated me, that would made his mom happy. That family didn't let us be happy for 4 years. That should have been the most beautiful time of our lives. And now when we have found happiness and love is back in my heart, nobody can stand that.

Allah knows how much I have gone through which even he won't understand, because he can't see through his family. They have not liked me since day one. They have bad-mouthed me to him since the first day. He was told that I have so much attitude. Each and every person in his family has talked about me to him to say what all bad things I do, while to me they talked about his ex-wife day and night, comparing me with her all the time, and his mother even said that she was better than me. Imagine how he was not there, and I was trying to fit in my new dreams, and I had to go through so much.

They just couldn't see anyone with him. We still stuck to each other, and now when we keep away from all the drama and try to be happy, nobody can stand that. There is so much hate in his family. Everybody is disturbed in the mind. I have always had fingers pointed at me for the years I served them. I have been insulted by his family since the first day, and every time I went there. I want to be happy with my husband, and I don't want anyone in my personal space. I cannot do anything for them now, after all this. I have no relation with them. And I want to really see what my husband will do about this. I remember everything, I can write so much, but I will not. I will let Allah decide for his mother and for everyone who had wronged me.  Actually that's what she wants- she wants me to fight with my husband on this. And I will not let her win. I have seen her smiling when he fights with me in front of her. Alhamdulillah I am in a happy space right now, I don't want all this to add to the bitterness.


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu, sister.

    Alhamdullilah, alhamdullilah you're happy and back together with your husband. May Allah increase the love between you and your husband and keep you safe from the fitna of your in-laws and Subhanallah, you've put up a lot in your life, sister and May Allah reward you for everything, everything you've gone through and May Allah also reward for the pain you went through to write this.

    You know who can be a better guardian and protector than Allah subhanawataalah? Allah has named himself from among his names as Al Wali and Al Maula the Protector and the Guardian. So isn't it time for you to get closer to Allah and in turn Allah helps through your problems, my sister? So inshallah, get closer to Allah through Salah, reading Quran, having a beautiful character, giving your daughter a nice Islamic upbringing and go to the masjid, make some good female Muslim friends of your age.

    Tell your husband that he is not a Muslim unless he loves Allah and his messenger (may peace be upon him) more than his mother! and he should love Allah and his messenger (PBUH) more than his mother by honoring your rights, which in Islam you have far more rights on your husband than his mother. And tell him if doesn't honor those rights, he and his mother both would be in hellfire.

    You should read a fixed portion of Quran everyday with translation, my sister. Let it be 30 verses, and whenever you come across any verses that apply especially to your situation, you should ponder over it deeply and see how Allah subhanawataalah will give you wisdom and guide you through every problem. It takes just 10 days to see great results. You should also lectures everyday to increase your emaan and knowledge and the best scholar I would say is Sheikh Abu Bakr Zoud. So Inshallah write to me here after 10 days and see how happy you would be.

    Here's a video for you of Sheikh Abu Bakr Zoud:

    May Peace and Blessings of Allah subhanawataalah be upon you. Take care, my sister.

  2. Salam,

    Did anything change in your situation?

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