Her family treat her badly after finding out about our relationship
Assalam O Alaikum!! Brothers and my sisters.. I'm a teenager (Muslim) and I love a girl very much, she loves me too. Its going to be about 3 years for this relationship. My question is: does Islam allow love? If it doesn't, then why do we feel love towards someone? In my opinion, love is just a feeling present naturally in everyones heart- but why do people consider it as a bad act?
Both our families know about this. We both are from good, noble families and we both pray 5 times a day and we are practicing Muslims, but we just love and care for each other alot. Since both families got to know about this relationship, they made us stop. They snatched our mobiles etc and told us not to contact each other, but we can not live like that- it makes us hurt alot. We live quite far away from each other. In the beggining we started meeting each other, giving gifts, shaking hands.... and we realised that it was still wrong but we did'nt stop our contact .
She contacts me secretly. We do not talk much now ,just twice or thrice a week- thats it. We both are from different castes but this is not an issue from my family because in Islam no one is superior to another -all are equal- but her family has made this an issue, since "I" belong to a different caste. But we both want to marry each other. Also at the beggining we did not know that it is wrong maybe, but we contacted each other and made promises to be with one another. Now I cannot break my promise; neither can she. Her family just treats her very badly now, they crossed their limits and now she has started living with her grandfather. Her parents and her brother all the time beat her and made her cry. I can't bear all this, please give some advice and answers to my questions. Jazak ALLAH.
- um
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Salaams,
I'm sorry to hear this girl you know was being mistreated and beaten by her family, but it sounds like that issue has been resolved by her going to live w/her grandfather.
About the main reason for your post: the fact that you two were in contact with each other and having a relationship when you shouldn't have. Because Islam is very clear about how men and women, boys and girls, should conduct themselves when it comes to relationships, the adults/parents were correct to take your phones and request that you have no further contact with one another. Even if you didn't realize it was wrong to do in the beginning, you know that it is wrong now and you should respect your parents and Allah by not contacting her, and refusing to answer or respond if she is trying to contact you. The promises you made to one another were in the context of a haraam situation and don't hold as much weight as the obligations you have now to do the correct thing.
If your parents are supportive of your marriage, then enlist them in speaking with her grandfather so that the nikkah can be arranged. If he is not agreeable to it, you have to let it go.
The issue is not whether Islam 'allows' love. Allah created love, and just like all emotions it has a purpose in this existence which can be used in the right way or the wrong way. Allah has given us guidance on how to handle all emotions, and when they are correctly expressed and when they are not. Having the feeling of "love" for someone is not the issue as much as whether people are nurturing that emotion in the ways Allah intended. As a married woman, if I fall in "love" with another man, regardless of how "real" those feelings are, they are not going in the proper direction. It is my responsiblity at that point to find a way to harness those emotions in the right direction, which is toward my spouse.
For you, loving her is not the sin. Contacting her and allowing her to contact you, touching her (by shaking hands) and having ongoing unsupervisied conversations is what the problem is. Had you taken that love and done the correct thing, which is have your family work on setting up the marriage for you (as you should do now), your situation right now would not be as painful as it is. If marrying her was shown to be something that you couldn't do, then you wouldn't have been able to get as attached to her as you are now, and moving on would've been a lot more easy for you. As it stands now, if it turns out her family will not approve the marriage, you are going to hurt that much more.
Brother, repent for the mistakes you've made and set your intentions correctly and stick to them. InshaAllah Allah will reward your sincerity by giving you your heart's desires. But, if not, know that you can learn from this lesson by sticking to the guidelines of Islam for relationships and avoiding this type of situation in the future.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaykum Um,
Give yourself some time to come out of the three years of regular contact.
Leave the matter to Allah, if she is in your destiny she will come. Your duty is to bring her in your life bby the right channels in a halaal way with consent of parents as much as possible.
For now be quite. Let things calm down. Pray to Allah.
Someone feels like drinking Alcohol, someone feels like watching bad movies someone craves more, does it mean Islam should allow it?
Brother Shaytaan incites desires, those who follow him go astray from the path of Allah. Those who obey Allah, walk on His path, Siraat al mustaqeem.
Brother, stop contact with her without necessity. Leave all matters to Allah.
Concentrate on studies, career and deen. Learn about Qur'an and how the Prophet (peace be upon him) put it in to action in his life. Try to live the Qur'an.
You are young, Insha Allah with time you will gain more and more wisdom and will see life with a broader meaning. In this age love stories seem beautiful, but wait until marriage, Insha Allah.
If you do all things before marriage, what charm will be left for married life?
Trust Allah my brother. Let her also concentrate on studies, family and deen of Islam.
Stop contact without need for now. No love talks brother. You cannot keep "secret" women friends in Islam. A woman outside your own folk like mother, sister, daughter, should be treated with kindness and certain "distance" keeping the limits of Allah. If you cross the limits, Allah forgive, you may suffer great loss.
We have grown a bit older than teenage, so can relate to you how to take guard and be aware of consequences of wrong actions. You have to control feelings my brother, else we will sin, if we don't.
May Allah help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.