Forced to choose between my family and my husband
Salamalykum,
I am in huge dilema, i have been married to my husband for 4 years and been with him 6 years. We have to sons under 3. Recently we had a huge argument..where i was in the wrong (i disrespected his family).
all these years i have never said a rude word to them and have always respected them and they have me. My family was always in our married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband did to me or said. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids.
I was heartbroken, i prayed for Allah to guide us in the right path and that if he was for me to bring him back and if he wasnt to make him stay away. He stayed away after i begged him to come back. Leaving me with no money i had to ask for help from my family who was there for me throughout, but this whole time not one member of my family (apart from my cousin) advised me to be patient and to give him time, they immiadiately called him very bad names and his family and told me that he is a 'shaytan' and that Allah is doing this for a reason, that Allah is protecting me by making him go.
After a week my husband has come a few times to see the kids and told me that he loves me but cant stand my family anymore. He has heard every foul word from my family by recording our conversations, and said that i didnt protect him once and he always stood by me when his family was the question (which i very true). I feel like i have sinned by not being on my husband's side even though he was in the wrong at the time.
Now my husband has given me an ultimatum. He will come back but if he does he will forbid my family to come in our house. I love my family, we are a very close nit family and it brakes my heart to have to make this decision, my mum is the most angry with all this and is advising me to leave him. i love her so much and would never disrespect her i am afraid i am being sinful if i choose my husband over her or the family. Please help i am so confused...
- melisafrljak
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Salaam My Sister,
I am sorry that you have been put in this painful situation of having to choose between your husband and your family. Your husband is acting out of anger and frustration - this anger and frustration will begin to fade the second you begin to address it and understand it and he will calm down and work with you towards a compromise.
Sit him down, let him know that you are taking his words very seriously and you want to make things better, but you need his help to do it and you need him to be reasonable and show some level of understanding that you are a human being, that you love your family and you need a solution that will not be painful for you.
I would advise you to negotiate further with him: for example, tell him that you are happy with him not seeing your family if that is what he wishes, and that you can manage it by planning visits etc in advance so that they do not have to cross paths. No matter what he feels for your family, he should not cut you off from them or go to extreme measures like banning them from your home. They are your family and you need them and they need you. He does not have to be around them, or pretend to like them - he just needs to accept that you cannot cut off your family and ban them from your house. Be firm about this and find a compromise, he will come around. Do not be tempted to concede, because if you agree when your heart is not in it - arguments and strife will follow - just keep reminding him that you care about what he wants, and you permit him to take himself away from your family: but what if your mum really needs you one day? What if their car breaks down outside your door? A total ban is not feasible and it will only cause more arguments in the long run, it is not a rule you can up hold successfully so do not agree to it completely. Cutting off relations with your family is a sin and this is reported by Imams Bukhari and Muslim, "One will not enter paradise if he/she cuts off relations with relatives." you cannot ban them, or close the door on them. It's not Islamic.
I am concerned that your conversations are being recorded - and I would flag this up as a danger signal for me. As you have not explained how these recorded conversations came to be, I cannot go further on this - but I am worried as this is not normal behaviour and I would worry about that.
It is natural for us to offload our feelings to another (especially a mum or sister figure) and seek advise and emotional support. It is only natural that when we are experiencing problems: we pick up a phone, call someone who loves us and cry about it and be comforted. I would not class this kind of behaviour as back biting: this is personal conversation between close people and it's for no one else to know about - no one should be listening to such a conversation.
For your mother, she has to understand this is your marriage and that your husband is a human being like any other - he has emotions, he feels offended, he gets angry and hurt and upset in the same way as the rest of us, and you cannot just up and leave him because he has issues with your family. I would advise that you acknowledge her feelings, remind her that you love her and are loyal to her, that that you can see that her concern comes from a deeply caring place - however, she must stop playing tug of war with you and just be there for you. You are married, you have made a commitment before Allah, and you want to try and make it work. Negotiate an agreement with her to make this easier for you, and continually remind her that your husband is not a threat to the relationship you have with her.
It will be hard to juggle your relatives in this way: but over time it will just become normal habits to not see them in the same room together. In time, all you will need to do is say to your husband "my mum is coming tomorrow" and he will automatically busy himself elsewhere, and all you will have to say to your mum is "my husband will be home at 6" and she will make herself disappear. In the early days there will be huffing and puffing from all sides - but be the peace keeper and be patient with it until it becomes habit.
It's not the ideal situation, and insha Allah, over time, once tempers have died down and people start to be on good behaviour again, somewhere down the line they will recognise what you are having to go through because of their issues and be ready to forgive each other and get over it.
Rages, cool down, tempers flail and there is nothing like a good dose of time and happiness to encourage people to make the peace again. You just have to keep your faith and maintain the peace until they are ready to let go of their anger: and that day will come - I just can't tell you when.
Right now: negotiate your situation so that the warring parties have enough space to cool off and calm down, don't agree to anything that will be difficult for you to uphold - remind each side that you love them and care for them and maintain the peace, be open, be honest with your feelings and try to come across as peace fully as possible: being calm generates more success rates in negotiation than being emotional, angry, tearful and so on.
Don't worry too much,and don't see everything as permanent - they will calm down eventually.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
"My family was always in our married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband did to me or said"
How did your family know these things? If you're telling your mum all this stuff then you have an unhealthily close relationship.
"but this whole time not one member of my family (apart from my cousin) advised me to be patient and to give him time, they immiadiately called him very bad names and his family and told me that he is a 'shaytan'..."
I'm not surprised your husband is sick of your family. I suggest you tell your family to back of for a while, and not visit you until you and your husband get your marriage back on track. Your family can't help you with this, you two have to do it yourselves.
And while the recording thing might sound creepy, if I thought people were coming round my house and cussing me behind my back and my spouse was in denial about it, I'd probably record things too. And why did you not defend him?
Your mum is trying to break up your home after two kids, what kind of mother does that? Your mum doesn't need to be in your house for you to help her, you can go visit her, help her with what she needs and then come home.
Tell your family to not visit you for six months, then once your husband has cooled down and your marriage is back on track and the emotional damage done to the children has been reversed as well as it can be, tell your family they can only visit if they stop saying bad things about your husband.
Anyone who doesn't respect your husband and your home, doesn't respect you.
Laali,
Though most of your advice is logic and makes sense, i cant help buh say,
'If you're telling your mum all this stuff then you have an unhealthily close relationship'
She's talking to her mom about her family problems, technically for a daughter her mother is probably the most closest person to her, unfortunately in her case (Assuming from her post) her mom isn't helping her Much, buh nevertheless why is that unhealthy :S ?????
x
SamIra, a husband and wife must have some privacy and trust for a marriage to work. If the wife turns around and reports every argument and detail to her mother, there is no privacy and no trust. I would be very uncomfortable thinking that anything I say and do in the privacy of my home will be reported to someone outside the home, and who knows where it will go from there. That means everyone will know my business and the private details of my family life. I would not be able to tolerate that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael I Understand where your coming from, buh you have to understand, this is the Real world, and were all humans, I Agree there should be trust & privacy in order for a marriage to work, However every person now and then needs to ventilate. So you can talk to someone to take it all out of your system, it can sometimes give you a more of a clear Picture of what is going on, hence can think and make decisions on a more appropriate basis.
And like i said before in Melisa's case her mom is not helping much, Regardless Thats wasn't What bothered me, I didn't understand the fact why laali said it was a ' Unhealthy close relationship ' , It sounded like she was doing somethng haram. 😐
x
The person that one turns to should be someone who can provide objective advice, not someone who hates the husband and has only foul things to say about him. That will not provide a clear picture at all, and to me it represents a breach of the trust within the relationship.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with almost everything Leyla and Laali have said. However, I take issue with Leyla's assertion that the husband cannot ban the wife's family from the house. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, in describing the rights of the husband, that ""...And that she should not admit anyone to his house except with his permission..." Muslim & Bukhari
He cannot cut his wife off from her family, but that does not mean that he must admit them to the house. She can go visit them at their home, or they can get together somewhere else. Sister Melisa, I think that if this is the only condition your husband is placing for returning home, then you should agree.
I also think you need a change in your thinking. You keep talking about your husband vs. your family. Sister, your husband is your family now. That's not to say that your parents and siblings don't have rights on you, or that you cannot maintain a relationship with them. But you need to realize that you are part of a new family unit now. Your duty is to protect that new family unit, to guard it from destructive influences, to nurture it, to defend it. It doesn't sound like you have been doing that.
As far as the recording, I don't think it's a big deal. I think that many husbands, if they suspected that someone was poisoning their wife's mind against them, saying terrible things about them (and you admit that such is indeed the case), might in desperation record the phone call. I'm not saying it's a good thing, or that it is right. It would be better to simply communicate and discuss the problem openly. But I can see how it could happen and I don't think the matter of the recording is the central issue.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with what Wael said about privacy in a marriage. Husband and wife are supposed to keep each others secrets. It's not okay to reveal your husbands character flaws to someone else. Rather husband and wife are supposed to be like garments to each other.
I also don't believe it is natural for a grown woman to cry to her mother or anyone else every time she has an argument with her husband. Most women I know don't do that at all. Time that is spend giving someone a news flash on a domestic tiff can rather be spent on reconciliation.
some women cannot reconcile. what if yoy have a husband who doesn't listen? who denies everything? who is difficult to talk to? who threatens divorce at the slightest complain from the wife?
Asslam O Alaikum brothers and sisters (Panel),
I hope and pray to Allah Almighty that all of you brothers and sisters are all right by the grace of Allah Almighty. My question is how does this site work like how do you guys priorities which questions to answer to first/ which order is followed to answer the questions. Because, I have submitted my two questions like a week ago but haven't heard (I submitted them by following instructions correctly). Is it first come, first serve or is there any other technique. I hope to hear from you brother/sisters soon Insha Allah. May Allah bless all of you for what you are doing for the community. (Amin). Jazak Allah.
MKS:)-
Mks1982, it's first come first served, as you said. The only exception is when someone's situation is truly dire, such as someone who has attempted suicide, or is considering an abortion, or is being badly abused, etc. We move those to the front.
But there is a big backlog. We are currently publishing questions from September 7, and there are 140 in the queue. So if you posted yours last week then I'd say you are looking at a delay of about 6 weeks. It's unfortunate, but we are limited in what we can do. We have five editors, when we really need 20 or so. Maybe in time, Insha'Allah. In the meantime I suggest that you search through the database of more than 800 previously published questions. You might find one very similar to yours.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
recording..........funny, came across my mind many times to record my in-laws so my husband would believe me! so he would know trhey are not what he thinks they are, that they behave differently when he's not around.
aslamu alaykom
i m living the same problem , all start the day when my sister refuses to listen to my husband and give us some privacy , me i don t mind she is my sister , but he always said in order to build up a strong marriage we need to be alone for a while , because we ve been only married for 6 mounths , so each time sometimes happen and when he d like to explain her his point of view she always replies she is my sister and u can t do nothing about it , lately we fight a lot and it s all about her , me i have no problem but the fach that i m supporting her drives me crazy , so in the two last weeks he went to meet my parents and she was there , so he starts the topic telling them that i love ur daughter but i need to do my life only with her at least for awhile , so she said no , he repeated she said no like 3 or 4 times , me i wasn t there with them , so he was really upset tellin her shut up or i m gonna kill u , so it was a big fight , the day after when he cooled down he told me that he is gonna apologize to everyone and ecerything thet want he will do it , he felt very sorry , wht he doesnt know that a speech was waiting for him , thet all attack him and my sister tells me i will call the cops , so he didn t say a world and leaves , after this he called me telling me that what he did was wrong but he is hurt , askin me to choose wether to support him or to my family , he asked me not to talk to them for a while , or if i will be sad he asked me u can go and leave with them but trust me i will never stop loving u .....
i know what he did was wrong , he promises that he will always be on my side take care of me nd everything.. and i beleive that ,, what is weird os no one from my familly called me , they are all and a country and i m another country . so what to do , choose him and not talk to my family for a while , or choose him and lie to him and still talk to them or choose my family and go back to my country leaving everything in here . plzzz i need an answer plzzz
jazakom alaho kahyran
lola, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will try to advise you, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor