Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family wants me to marry a guy I have no feelings for

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My brother, who is the oldest and is Mashallah set up financially, says he will not marry until at least one girl from the family gets married first. This is silly because they are following the old Pakistani culture and want me and my sisters to get married first even though two of us are still studying and are not mentally prepared for marriage.

Since my older sister (who is the second child) still hasn't married they are now intent on marrying me off first even though I don't feel anything for the guy. He has a good personality and is ok looking but I still don't feel anything, I felt empty when I met his family even though they looked like nice people, I just couldn't wait till they left. I know my family wants me to marry him because he is well off financially and doesn't have a huge family, which I know is ideal, but I clearly told them I'm not interested and they don't care. They're only concerned about how this will make things easier for my mum who is a single parent (separated). What they don't realisee is that I may end up unhappy for the rest of my life if I say yes.

I've never said this to my mum but if she herself had spoken up to her father and said she wanted to meet my dad before she married him then they probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place because in her heart she would have felt that their personalities were total opposites (because of this they are no longer together). In my heart I know how I feel and I can't just say yes because of the money he makes or because his family is nice, I believe I have to feel something first and I can't just think about myself but about the guys family too because this isn't fair on them either. I don't want to lead this family on and Inshallah this guy will find another Muslim girl who is better than me.

I've done tauba and prayed for not being attracted to him even though he has everything but I feel all that will not make me happy. For some reason I'm always unhappy with my life though I'm always greatful for everything I have been given in life Alhamdulillah. Overall it just seems I'm not ready for marriage at all. I've now realised that as a teenager I was following the 'no dating' rule not just because of islam but because deep down never wanted to be in a relationship. I would probably want to wait another 2-3 years before I get married.

My family doesn't treat me nicely even though I haven't done things to shame the family, if anything in other people's eyes I've always been the girl who never does wrong Alhamdulillah. It's gotten to the point where I don't even sit in the same room as my family anymore, my younger sister feels this way too. If I ever go against anything my mum wants me to do then she threatens to kick me out which means I would have to go live with my dad, he would take me in but I've lost my attachment with him and he is not a religious man.

I just pray that Inshallah this guy will find a better girl than me who is right for him because Mashallah he has done really well for himself. I haven't talked to the guy personally yet but I have seen his personality but for some reason I still don't fell anything even though there is nothing bad about him. This guy isn't exactly religious but I would say he's inbetween.

Even though I don't date or flirt with guys I have met a guy online; the way you would meet on singlemuslim.com. I don't talk to him regularly but I have known him for a while now and he seems like a great Muslim guy. I wouldn't just go off and meet him because that's stupid and dangerous, I would want to tell my family about him first. The only reason I'm considering this is because I am in a difficult position at the moment and would rather marry someone I've already talked to and gotten to know than marry someone I have no feelings for.

My question is, what if after speaking to this guy I still don't have any feelings for him? I'm pretty sure I'm going to be kicked out of the house if I say no as my mum has already done that with one of my sisters (not over marriage but over another silly reason). Is their any dua I can read to help me with my situation? Would it be bad for me to tell the guy I'm not interested in him if my family pushes me to marry him? Sometimes my mum talks to me nicely about this whole situation (as if she's not forcing me to do anything) and says I won't know how the guy is until I properly get to know him but I know deep down she would want me to say yes if she liked him and I didn't. She would hold my 'no' over my head for the rest of my life. I've done istikhara for the past 3 days but there's no change in how I feel nor have I seen a dream so inshallah I will keep trying until I see something that indicates whether I should or should not make an effort to get to know this family.

Also, since my dad is separated from my mum, how much of a say does he have when it comes to marrying off the daughters? My mum doesn't even like sitting in the same room as him.

 ~Fabbiano

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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, ive come across this issue many times on this site and in general talk, i will start by saying in this situation you are the victim, and those around you sadly have a personal aim rather than a considerate one.
    Your opening paragraph said it all, the 'pakistani culture', and your whole situation is exactly that, Islam plays no part in any of this and it is merely a culture issue, however Islam gives your rights sister and no matter what your siblings and your mother must accept these, im assuming your still young and so the decision is based on your brother stepping back from getting married rather than you choosing to do so.
    When it comes to choosing a partner, in your case a groom the parents have a criteria this however has the families best interest and not yours, you cant love something if their is no basis as much as you may try, but parents look at financial stability, caste and appearance, they do not consider your feelings, because the culture follows a trend in which parents choose and you must oblige, hence why they have set their sights on the guy you mentioned in your post.
    its not a quick fix, a trial or a short while, its a lifetime and this decision must not be taken out of your hands, Allah dislikes divorce and in general the repercussions are pretty bad, but this is the route where most marriages end when their is no understanding between the couple, your mother is forcing you to marry, i dont say this lightly but it is evident this is the case, she has no right and must respect your wishes since you have said no already, if she carries on regardless then your nikah will be invalid since you gave no consent.
    Feelings are crucial when marrying, and a marriage without understanding and these feelings is heading for disaster, i will give a quick example, your mum can bring you a new watch, its perfect, yet you dont like it and just cant grow on it, and you get rid, when that watch becomes a husband, its a bit tough getting rid and you should stop all this before it becomes to a stage too far to stop.
    Masha'Allah you have avoided the modern dating culture, and you should be proud of yourself, it seems a easy trap to fall into, in regard to the other man you met online, i dont know how singlemuslim works but im guessing its a halal method, its good to see you have developed feelings for this other guy, in the sense that as you say its better than marrying someone whom you have no feeling for.

    My advice is talk to your mother, explain about this other man and explain your stance, your mother may not take it well so ask for her to pray istikhara aswel, this way your mother cannot argue with the outcome and Allah will be judge in this matter, and i believe by explaining yourself well and requesting your mother pray istikhara she wont resort to throwing you out, after all your asking her to let Allah be judge of whom is right for you, your mums sweet talk is natural, but words dont create feelings and never will so she is merely doing her bit in that sense, keep praying insha'Allah you will know the outcome of the istikhara and this will help your guidance, as much as your mum may dislike him, your fathers rights over the family do not change since he is the father, so he has a say in your marriage and must also agree before anything can go ahead.

    I hope this helps, insha'Allah it works out for you

    • Jazakallah for your advice, it has helped me to see the situation more clearly. My mum only sees the situation differently when it affects her. Just recently the guy's family made a small but silly remark (to a third party) about our family and my mum was unhappy about it. I told her not to worry and that she should just say no now because I still didn't feel anything for the guy after seeing him. She said she'd say no (as it suited her at the time) but then went back on her word (as I knew she would). I think she is going to say no but now wants to take a look at some other guys for me.

      The the solution for me is simple: I do not want to start looking for someone to marry until my education is over. For some reason I don't have the need to marry anyone and am happy by myself but I do hope that inshallah one day those feelings might change because I would like to start my own family one day. I guess the best thing that came out of this whole situation is that my dad (who I normally don't have a connection with and would rather not be around) was on my side and I realised it is still important to have him around. Inshallah one day he will come to realise that Islam is an important part of a Muslim's life.

      • Those feelings will change, its the transition from child to teenager and then to full adult, at each stage we want different things, as a kid you want toys, as your older you want to have money and a general good life, when you enter the last stage, you think of marriage, kids etc, so its perfectly normal, and with time im sure you will develop those feelings for a husband, family etc. insha'Allah.

        Good to hear of your fathers involvment, and i pray that he does realise the importance of islam and the key to a good life that follows islam insha'Allah.

        Best of luck sister, your mum will always find new guys for you, its like her job, but maintain your stance, and dont be forced into anything, you know your rights and so be careful, may Allah grant you success in your studies and guide you in life. Ameen

  2. Your father is your wali when it comes to your marraige, he does not have a right to force you, but no one can marry you if he disagrees, even if you want the man.

    • Abu Az-Zubayr,

      This is not true. If the 'Father's way of thinking is not quite right, then someone else can step in as Wali. This does not mean that just anyone can jump in as Wali, there is a whole process behind this. The role of the Wali is to ensure that the daughter is marrying someone suitable. But if the daughter does wants to offer someone perfectly suitable and the Wali, still refuses, then most likely, he has some personal issues influencing his decision, maybe culture?

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • "But if the daughter does wants to offer someone perfectly suitable and the Wali, still refuses, then most likely, he has some personal issues influencing his decision, maybe culture? "

        I think "perfectly suitable" here is in the daughter's eyes not in father's eyes. And if the daughter's views are tainted by finding a hollywood or bollywood type "hero". Then father has every right to stop her daughter from a mistake. Or may be the guy is good on the book but father cannot tell the issues with the guy. Gut feeling or does not want to expose the daughter to the sins occurring in outside world assuming his daughter innocent and should not be expose to filth or may be simply hiding the sins of that guy. Many reasons, jumping to race card is something which we all like 🙂

        • Brother,

          I actually was not referring to the above post at all. I was referring to Abu Az-Zubayr's comment. My example of 'culture' was just that - an example. If the daughter's views are tainted, then 'yes' the father has the right to refuse the proposal. But what if the father's views are tainted? To give the daughter some rights in this situation, Allah's Messenger (sws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.' [Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.] (Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.)

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalam-Alaikum,

    You have not met the guy and you don't feel anything for him. But you feel something for a guy on Internet. Sister do you see a problem in this? Its simple, you have this notion in your mind that unless you don't meet and see the guy he'll not be compatible to you as you saw it in case of your parents marriage.

    I think your want for knowing the guy before marriage combined with your fear of your parents marriage is making you like this for this marriage proposal. One possible way can be to ask your mother to see the guy in presence of your father. If you still do not feel marrying the guy then simply tell your mother that you don't want to marry the guy if you think he'll be good then say yes. But please get out of the fantasy of falling in love before marriage.

    One thing which I could not understand how does your elder brother's requirement of marrying the sisters first come into the whole question... may be if you can explain it I'll better understand the issue.

    regards,

    • I have now met teh guy but I still didn't feel anything for him. I glanced at him but didn't feel the need to look at him again. I know I can't get lovebefore marriage but I want a feeling that says 'I can see myself having a family with this guy'. I guess what I want more is a friend for life and one who can make a great husband even without the romantic part. I hope this makes sense.

    • I saw the guys personality and everything but all I wanted to do was leave. I didn't act stubborn or like a child or anything I acted normal and nice as you should when guests come around. My brother wants us to get married because he thinks we might not get along with his wife. This is silly and he shouldn't be thinking that way. I've told them that if this happens then inshallah we will sort out the situation and that I'm not going to get married off if it's not in my best interest.

  4. Before this guy came along no-one was even considering getting me married off first. Now that I've said no to this one they will now start looking for the next one I'm sure. They think I'm being rude by telling them what to do (as in my brother should start looking to get married himself) but I feel no remorse because all my life they've gotten me into trouble over things that have nothing to do with Islam but because they wanted someone to shout at and blame everything on. I'm only speaking my rights and will not make a hasty decision to marry someone if I don't feel I can be a part of their family. I want to wait a few months before we start looking for another guy (as I want to focus on my studies) and after that I would wait a couple of years before I get married because I would still be in my early 20s then. Inshallah one day a proposal will come for me where I will be interested as well as the family being interested in me in return.

  5. Fabbiano,

    You have made the right decision. I am not muslim myself but I have gotten to know the religion and Pakistani culture very well. For now, keep concentrating on your studies which will make you more independent in terms of who you are (academically). When your mother finds a guy who you feel comfortable with then you can make the decision. I hope your mother finds a religious guy for you who can make you happy and who you can share your life with. Good luck.

    • Thanks for agreeing with me. We said no to the family and I suddenly felt this whole weight lift off my shoulders. Ever since then I hate the whole idea of marriage, it makes me cringe which is quite sad, especially the idea of being introduced to some random person by my mum. Alhamdulillah I got a good grade on my studies and am now training to be a teacher. I also pray that Insha'Allah a guy will some along soon who actually understands me for me. I want to be myself in front of the guy, not someone fake to make others happy and myself sad.

  6. ==============READ CAREFULLY===============================================

    Dear Sisters and Brothers ,
    I just want to tell you some really important things by using this forum, I have spend a lot of time on research about the feelings and emotions of man and women, finally i have some points to present,

    1- A guy can easily fall in love and develop deep and strong feelings for a girl in a very short time, girls normally takes long time to fall in love,

    2- The feeling a guy have for a girl is much strong than a girl have feelings for him,

    3- Boys feels extremely high pain than girls and cant not forgive a girl when they gets hurt by her, its really difficult for a guy to control himself when he gets hurt ed, In reaction some guys starts smoking, drinking, illegal sexual activity, or they may get a black spot on their brains which will never let them to fall in love again, they will not respect with their wife's in future, (Sisters its really true, i have seen many cases like this),

    4- When a girl get hurts by a guy Its is really difficult for her to forget a guy, it will continue to tease her in different stages of life, but a girl can forgive a guy because she don't have enough strong feelings for guys, (Brothers don't hurt any girl because she will not forget you, its really true)

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