Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We’re in love, but her family won’t accept me because I’m not Indian?

Pakistan, India and BangladeshSalam alaykom,

My love and I met online, and we have been communicating for quite a while now.

Many will keep insisting it's not love and to quit it, but I know what love is and the two of us are deeply in love with one another and we have kept our relationship halal and in the path of Allah swt.

We didn't want it to be a secret so we let our parents know. Her Dad and Mom do not like me for the mere fact I'm an Iranian American (specially being half white) and for that very reason they will not give me a chance.

Her father told her either she lives in his house under his rules and ditches me, or goes against him and disgraces the family and she will basically be disowned. She told me she loves me and if she had the choice she would definitely marry me, but her family is too stubborn and we've tried everything.

Her father and mother both refuse to even speak with me, verbally, or by email, or any other means. They told her it’s out of the question, and they are bringing a guy from the USA to her in August to meet up with and I'm so afraid they'll force her to marry him.

She says they actually like his family and they are family friends and if they like him they will tell her to marry him. My love keeps bringing me up to them and the mother gave in a little bit but her father is so not willing to do it because of my race. He doesn't want to give me a chance no matter what. I've tried so hard.

Recently she's sent a letter I wrote to her parents into their email but I really don’t know if they have even read it or have responded. I've made DUA Istikhara and I know deep down she is the right girl for me, I just want to know what to do.  She says they have done so much for her and she's not willing to elope, and I wouldn't want her to do that because I want a happy family with her and for us to be able to be together forever and all of us including I and her father to  be happy and respectful and love each other.

My heart is so broken right now and she says no matter what she wants me to be happy and we'll be friends but she can't betray her father and I'm trying to let her know that loving me for the sake of Allah swt is not betrayal despite what her parents say. I think actually arranged marriages are haram too. I just want to be with her forever and help change the situation because time is running out.

This is true love, but I need to do something.  If you need to know any other details in order to help me, please do so. Currently it's a distance relationship, she's in Africa and I'm in the USA.  May Allah swt guide us all to Siratal Mustaqueem. I will never give up and will keep fighting for her since she is my love, but I need your advice.

JazakaAllah Khayr, Salam Alaykom Wa Rahmahtullahi Wa Barakatohu.

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam Dearest Brother,

    Brother, what you must understand is that you are speaking with someone's daughter. They watched her be born, guided her through her first and second steps, fed her, clothed her and saw her through school and for all the while they dreamt of her future, he future husband and her future life.

    Most likely they never dreamt that the man their daughter would marry would appear into their lives via email.

    Now you are hoping that they will hand over this daughter to you on the back of an email communication and letters? Even sales people who are selling electricity solutions know they have to do more than that to get a sale, and here you are expecting to get a daughter from it. I understand that you have had communications and that you are in love and want to be together - but do you really expect her parents to hand over their daughter to a letter?

    If you really care for this girl, love her and want to be with her you need to first of all be in the same country as her, and you need to approach her family like a real person in a respectable manner if you want a realistic response. Whilst you are sending your emails and communication digitally, this other person they have in mind for her exists for them in 3D, with surround sound.

    On the subject of race, it is quite natural for parents to be suspicious of other races when it comes to marriage and the only way you will change their minds is by being in front of them and showing that you are a good, decent, honest Muslim man who will care for their daughter, do right by her and have a good life and future with her. You are competing with their good friends, so if you are serious you must step up your game and really understand what you are asking for and how you are asking for it and how you are presenting yourself. My own husband is a different race to me, and my family hated him in theory but realised we are quite similar in person and their hearts softened when they met him. It is much more difficult to make a devil out of a person that is sitting in front of you than it is a person whom you imagine in your mind.

    You have a lot more change of influencing their decision and giving confidence to this girl that you are serious if you are in the same country, potentially in the same area / district, working and conducting yourself in a good, positive way and the both of you showing that you are serious and willing to go through the necessary troubles (such as putting up with some family upset for a short time) to be together.


  2. PS: (and probably the other editors will disagree with me on this)

    We all have to go through some fight in our lives. Every generation before us has seemed to have taken on a "fight" to make things better for the generation that comes after them. Women has to fight to go to work, they did. Black people had to fight for equality, they did. Liberation was fought for, political voice was fought for and every generation has had its "big fight" to make the world a better place.

    This generation's big fight is inter-racial marriage. I believe in my heart we fight this fight because it is written for Muslims to be one race, and so it is written that by struggling in ourselves and our families we break the racial divide that turns us Muslims against each other. Slowly, over time if we all keep struggling - mixed race will not be an issue any more. This is the way the world is going at the moment, and we cannot stick to our race any more. We migrate, we mix, we intermarry - this is how it is.

    But you have to fight and struggle and strive - and fighting means taking a punch, it means hurting, it means suffering and having people judge you and look down on you. That's what fighting is - it hurts and you might lose from time to time.

    But brother, you may also win from time to time. And if you don't step into the ring, you'll never know.


  3. Jazakallah khayran for your response, I completely agree and will do my best to have the means to get it all straight, including my life and continue with studies and eventually move there. I recently emailed her father too and he basically said if I loved her I should forget about her, because he says most people in the western world wouldnt have the credentials to suffice (culture, family, money,and values). But I won't forget about her. We're planning on asking him again once I turn 21, and by then, inshaAllah I would already have been going to a Masjid which is more affiliated with theirs, and hopefully, he'll accept. I so appreciate every bodies advice.

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