My family won’t accept him, because he’s a European convert Muslim
Assalam O Alaikum,
I got to know a guy through Facebook in November last year. We talked for about two weeks, he seemed perfect even though we had never met and even though we only spoke for about two weeks. I live in Germany and he lives in Switzerland. We talked everyday, about everything and nothing. He really seemed perfect, he seemed to have everything I wanted in a guy. He had good moral; he was religious; he was studying in university and working at the same time; his personality seemed to match mine. He is 26 and I am 19.
Here’s the problem; he’s originally from Denmark and I’m originally from Lebanon. And so I decided to tell my mum about this guy, I didn’t realize it was way too soon to tell her about him. I was just so excited to tell her, after two weeks. I thought she’d be happy for me, that the guy seemed like such a great guy but she was devastated. "Why?” you may think. Well, because he’s Danish (he’s a convert). It broke my heart and I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I really felt depressed and all I wanted was to die. I hated life, I literally felt as if my heart was broken in two pieces. I cried until there weren’t any more tears to cry out.
And so I told him about the situation, about my family being against me talking to him. I was honest and told him why I couldn’t talk to him anymore. My mum really forbade me from talking to him, and I promised her not to talk to him. I didn’t want to disappoint my mum and lose her trust in me.
Time passed by, and we were now in march. We hadn’t spoken in four months. March 16 he wrote me on Facebook and told me he missed me. No words can come close to how surprised I got when I read his name in my mailbox. Just when I was started to move on, he wrote me. I replied him, said I missed him too because I really did. Even though we only spoke for two weeks, he got stuck in my head. He then asked me how I was doing and asked me if it was Okay for me that he wrote to me, I said yes, even though I was turning my back on my mum.
I added him on msn once again and we started to talk for about a month, but not daily. Maybe 3-4 times a week. Then he just disappeared. We didn’t talk for about two months, I wanted to write him, but I hated being the first to write. Two months later, in June, he wrote me in Facebook. He asked me how I was doing, this time I got kind of p****d off. How could he just disappear and then come back and then disappear once again, I got quite confused. And so I decided to ask him how he could just disappear and come back over and over again. He said he was sorry and that he had been busy. The most stupid excuse to which I didn't reply back.
One and a half month after this, I decided to add him back on msn (yes, I deleted him once again.) he signed in, and said salam. I replied with salam, then he asked me if it was ok that he was writing me, I said yes, it’s ok. And then we started to talk about what had happened in our lives during the time we didn’t talk. We continued talking. I have family in Switzerland (where he lives), and I was about to go there for a visit. I told him so, we decided to finally meet each other.
The day came when I was going to FINALLY meet this guy that I cried over so much, that I had thought so much about, and that I liked so much, even though we had never met. And yes, I met him behind my family’s back but only with good intentions. We met at a public park. What is there to say more than he’s perfect? He was so different than I thought he would be; in a good way. He was a great character with great respect for himself and me. There is so much to say, but only a few words that can really explain how perfect he really is.
Now here’s the problem: my family has no idea that I still have contact with him. They think that I haven’t had any kind of contact with him since November. Now we’re in August. The thing that really kills me is that they don’t accept him only because he’s Danish. If he was from Lebanon my parents would think he’s the perfect guy. My family made it clear that there is no way anything is going to happen between us two. My parents really made it IMPOSSIBLE that ANYTHING is going to happen between us.
I know lying isn’t the solution to anything but I have thought about telling my parents that I have gotten to know another guy and he’s half Lebanese and half Danish and that he can’t speak Arabic because his dad is dead. And that’s why he can’t speak any Arabic. Another thing that scares my parents is that he’s a convert, they think he’s going to go back to Christianity. So I’ve thought of telling them he was born Muslim, and haven’t converted. He doesn't look like a native Danish anyway, he seriously looks like he’s from Lebanon or Balkan or something similar.
And this is where I need your help. What do you think of my idea? This guy is really SOMETHING special and in this world, it’s really hard to find a guy like him. I can’t just let him go and I need your help, your support. Your advice.
- Diddi
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These are big lies, and they will be found out sooner or later. But you do deserve to be happy, and if you are certain he is the one you want, then make it happen! I don't like it when parents disagree for silly reasons, and yours have no good reasoning to disagree. This is your life they are messing with, you are the one who will be with this guy forever, not them. If it turns out to be the wrong choice, then they can say "I told you so!".
Firs off cease all contact with this individual. Your parents and everyone else including you should be concerned that you didn't go through a WALI and instead you are a young girl chatting up random people on the internet. The internet is a scary place and there are all kinds of people out there. If you find an eligible honest Muslim with character go through your WALI (and if your father is really persistent on rejecting a revert-which is unIslamic, unless the revert doesn't know enough about Islam, then go through your next male kin). If this is a good man, he would not be compromising his Islamic values to meet a girl without a wali. If someone is compromising on such fundamental values now, what makes you think it won't happen later?
You are young. There are plenty of stories like this and we tend to get mixed up with the Western notion of love [at first sight] and love Islamically, which involves good Islamic character and values that actually make a good spouse vs falling in love with a person for a day or two. I also really really doubt your parents or anyone's, when push comes to shove, would reject a Muslim spouse over anything but their character.
WS And don't forget the rules for meeting a spouse in Islam
Comment from Diddi (Author)
Thank you for your answer but I didn't find it scary to meet him because I eventually got to know that he is a good friend to my cousin.
Diddi that's not the point...the point is you can't verify someone's character, social group through he internet, and strangers take advantage of that. It turned out to be a coincidence that he knew your (male?) cousin, if that's the case and your cousin could be a good level headed, and from an Islamic point, a good wali, then ask your cousin to be the intermediate between you two, have his presence at all times between you two, and have your cousin vouch for his character in front of your parents.
fil islam ijzatal ul walideynuka hiya mich wajiba, highly preferred, but not wajib. If from an Islamic point of view he is a good spouse, you can proceed with the marriage, but keep an open heart with your parents. Like I said, I think most parents will want their children to marry within their culture, try to emotionally blackmail you into it, but as long as you have a good Muslim spouse who knows his duties to you and will raise good Muslim children, hey almost always come around.
And know your rights as a Muslim. Women prayed in he mosque during the prophet's time and would ask for his judgment on personal issues. I know in my ethnic community if such a situation were to arise over a spouse, assuming the man/woman has good Islamic character, the imam of the local mosque would visit the house of the parents and remind them of their Islamic duties to look past race, culture, language, ethnicity
But please be aware, you can make out someone to their personality and our beauty for so long. Infatuation shifts. As a man I can tell you most men can fall in love with a woman every ten minutes. Instead of this young love, Islam stresses values like character, honesty...things that will last you lifelong in a relationship. So again, stop contact with this man and have him approach you/yourparents/you approach him through a wali, like you should Islamically. This could be he start of a good relationship or he end of a bad one, the standard to find out is your religion
"I also really really doubt your parents or anyone's, when push comes to shove, would reject a Muslim spouse over anything but their character." So running away, or creating stories about his origin/character aren't going to help you, they will just get you into a deeper rut and dishonesty with your parents, and potentially your spouse.
Salam
it is unfortunate that your family thinks like that, in my opinion (im lebanese my self) muslim converts are for the most part better with their deen then born Muslims. Parents in general need to look past culture, my parents were like that at one point bas alhamdulilah i shifted their views and continuing to do so.
You should tell him if he was as serious as he says he is get him to come to your house and meet your families. Give him your address, home phone number and tell him Peace, stop talking to him until he comes to your house. And inshallah your parents will see past culture, if his over all character is how you say it is.
I no its hard to not talk to someone you feel is your other half, i been their done that alhamdulilah now im able to handle my temptations, but their is no khayr in anything you do behind your families back sister. And trust me one thing leads to another, so dont meet this guy anymore, if he was a good muslim he should of known that. But sometimes temptations take over, may allah guide as on the straight path ameen ya rub.
Peace
I disagree. Again, do things through your wali. Don't give him your address or phone number directly. Do it through you wali and end all communication otherwise. Unless you would feel comfortable haing your wali sitting with you looking at the computer screen reading those emails or chatting, you could not be reading them or chatting either.
My cousin know that I have contact with him (or atleast had. I asked my cousin what he thought about him as a person, a long time ago. In november when we just begun to talk.)
Normal Poster, I don't understand. What are you suggesting me to do? I don't want to tell my parents about him now, not until I know we have a solid relationship. Not until I know 100% that we both want the same thing.
Salam
Normal Poster: Whats wrong with giving him her home phone number? how else is he suppose to contact her wali?
Diddi: You have to tell your perents about him, its not a choice if you want to do it the halal way, if you choose not to do it the halal way, then good luck. What wrong with figuring out if you "both want the same thing" while your parents are aware of you guys talking?
I know some people from certain cultures that reject the potential spouse immediately when they find out that they have been talking behind their back. I never understood why. I will pray for you didi because you don't know how many people are going through what you are going through with this culture thing. I ask Allah to make this easy on all of us and to open our parent's eyes to stop being so biased. Ameen.
As of right now cut off all contact with him I know this is going to be hard but this is what you have to do now. Give him your number but NOT your address, you do not want him to harass you if it ends up not going the way you want it to. I wish you the best. 🙁
In most situations I wouldn't disagree with you Muslim, but in this case it may do more damage than good because it seems like her wali her preset assumptions about a man from his race without looking at his character at all. The OP is probably the best judge about whether or not she can do this, If the OP thinks her father won't be a fair judge of character and she can resort to the next male kin, then she should have the next male kin's number given and he will communicate between the potential spouse and family of the girl (next male kin=wali)
Thank you for all you responds, I really appreciate them. I have given lots of duaa, only God knows how much, about my parents accepting him..Because I remember the look in my mums eyes when I told her. She was OK with it until she talked to my dad about the issue. My dad says (hence SAYS not does) religion is more important than culture, but actions speak louder than words. When my mum talked to my dad, she like turned into a whole other person.. So the difficult person to handle in this issue is my dad.
How do I make my dad realize that this is what I really want? How can I convince him?
Ok here's another problem. Let's say I give him my home phone number. HOW is he going to talk to my parents?! They don't even talk the same language.. Obstacle after obstacle..
Muslimbrother: I don't want to do the same problem as I did when I first told my mum. I told her too soon, and I don't know if that's why she reacted the way she did. I don't want to do the same mistake this time.
Actually it was not a mistake, and it wasn't to soon, but your mothers reaction was wrong. And the language is a problem wallah. This is going to be hard on your family , if they cant even have basic communication, how do you expect them to agree?
I have never come across a situation like this, hopefully someone more qualified to answer will help you out. Honestly you need to stop talking to this guy, because getting attached emotionally before their is any family communication is, first and most importantly haram, and secondly its just going to make things harder for you.
May Allah guide us on the straight path ameen ya rub
Peace
You left out a lot of details in your post.
First, Didi stop thinking your parents and your wali come AFTER your relationship, specifically the latter. This is UNISLAMIC. If you're dad or brother won't be Islamically fair to him and judge him by Islamic standards then go to the next of your male kin. That's why I suggested your cousin, he is an older male, he knows about your relationship (did he know you meet this man alone though?) and he knows the character of this man and those around him.
As far as communication goes: Anna nos Pakistani wa nos Afghani wa atazawaj bnt flastinyeh wa adrusu 3rabiya. This is not only something my parents had to deal with when they got married, but when I got married as well. At first her parents were a little skeptical of a non-Palestinian (I know Egyptians who won't marry Egyptians or even admit they're Arabs! IDIOTIC!), then a non-Arab, but what impressed them and made them drop these pressumptions was within 10 minutes of meeting them they knew my akhlaq was good, I had meet a woman in a halal way, and although her wali gave her permission to meet potentials in a public place (like Starbucks), I insisted her father or brother be at every meeting.
They could speak English, and I learned 3miya later, but that's beside the point, because one my parent spoke Pashto and the other Punjabi, how'd they get along? They got along because they had the same Islamic values. They eventually learned to communicate. More practically in your situation, if your cousin is a good wali, he probably understands Swedish and 3rabi...he can communicate effectively before and during the stage where potential non-Arabic speaker comes for your hand in marriage.
So it is important you take this seriously. You're mom and dad's emotions might have been hurt by the fact that you meet a boy unchaperoned, online. If you cut communications, as is Islamically warranted, and go through a wali, and say in three months your cousin says to your father
"Look Didi is interested in a man, of good Islamic character and a good Muslim (assuming he is), she meet him online, but cutoff all relationship after she realized what she did might have been wrong, and they want to meet in a halal manner."
I doubt your parents would be that opposed. They will come around if he impresses them with those values. But imagine again what you said in your initial post for a second, because Inshallah sister you too will be a mother one day. One day you're daughter may be on the computer chatting up random guys on the internet (who knows with what intention-to find a good muslim husband?) How would you feel as a parent? I HOPE worried. There are people of all kinds of types who can hurt and use or abuse you, and you will never know until you live with them. So that's the point of a wali. It is to protect you, and a man who approaches your wali passes one of those big checkmarks on your checklist...it shows you as a woman he is serious about committment
My person advice that is not for or against Islam: You're 19. I waited until I was 28 to get married. I understnad emotionally, physically mentally you definitely want a partner at that age to spend your life with, but I'm telling you, no matter who you want to marry, to wait until after you finish your undergraduate degree. It will allow you a job, to support yourselves, and I feel like people who have worked about a year in their life, vs people who have only stayed at home and been to school have much more realistic and less romantic notions of life. It just sets up much more realistic expectations as to what a person looks for in a spouse and a good relationship. Maybe someone could give more examples of this point.
Shokran brother Normal Poster, you gave me all answers I was looking for.. I will stop having contact with this man and talk to my cousin for him to be my wali, and we'll see what Allah swt has planned for me.. And no my cousin doesn't know that I met him, not what I know. But although when I met this guy I didn't know I was doing anything haram. Because I thought meeting him in a public place where there are people everywhere, would make it halal because we had good intentions. I didn't think about a wali.
And thank you Muslimbrother, and everyone else who has given me advice. Please feel free to give me even more advice.
SISTER DIDI!
Before you go making your cousin your wali, you have to find out for sure if he is qualified to be your wali! I do not think cousins are eligible to be walis, if that is the case then please go to your local Imam. Find out for sure because the last thing you want to do is get married to a Muslim man and find out that you have been committing zina because your marriage is invalid because you did not have a qualified wali present. I wish you the best!
-strawberryfields
How do I know if my cousin is qualified to be my wali?
Yes, I've been a little busy lately, typically your male cousin is not your mehram (when I typed up the post I thought of my cousin who is a male, and I am a male and accidentally analogized it to your situation), but I wonder if all other males before him are not acting Islamically and you do not have a (romantic) relationship whether this would be allowed, as he is next of kin.
You should consult a scholar, I doubt anyone here could answer this with a lot of certanty...but do NOT give up on your father being a wali, I'm telling you they usually come around.
Good luck sister.