Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Would my fast be accepted after what I´ve done?

elderly mother and son


My mother was mistreated by my father and his sibling when they first moved to..... some 22 yrs ago, and my mom went throught alot of abuse by him and his family for the first 6-7 yrs. That was 15 years ago and my mom keeps reffering back to this and complains about my father mistreating her early on in there marriage. 4-5 years ago my dad's sister's daughter's husband (my cousins husband) tried to sexually abuse my sister but alhamdulilah x 1000 that my sister was able to get away, and it turns out he has done the same a couple of years erlier to my other cousins, but they were not so lucky,  they kept it inside without telling anyone till they found out about my sister and ended up taken him to court. My dad didn´t want my sister involved, because his sister was supporting her son inlaw 100%. it´s been 2 years now since he´s been found guilty of rape.

For the sake of allah, when ever i have seen my aunt i have said salams to her but never went to her house or called her. just on occasions where i would see her.This is very hard for me because i have a hard time controlling my anger, alhamdulilah for the sake of allah I´m doing my best.

That same aunt is the one that abused my mother the most and caused multiple problems between my father and my mother over the years  but 3 days ago my other aunt came from back home  and she brang her son, sister (the aunt that caused the problems, and supported her son inlaw), and a friend over to my house, and my mom left outside to the park in heat 38 degrees and was crying under a tree while my father was sitting inside with his sisters.

i came home from work, saw a random car in my driveway and say my brother sitting in the garage, i asked him who´s over, he said "that aunt" and right away i said where´s mom, he said in the park crying. i went inside holding my anger best i could, and walahi i said salam to all and hugged both aunts, and with as much patience as i could asked them all to leave, asking that aunt why she would come to my house knowing my mother can´t stand her and all it would do is creating  problems,  holding back my anger,  when they saw my face they new i was close to exploding, and my dad did not say a word because he had never seen me in that state. I´m a big guy but walahi i wouldn´t hurt a fly unless u mess with my family.

my dad said that was wrong etc. but how could one allow there mother to be sitting in a park, honestly it was record heat that day here it was last thursday go check it out, and aunts sitting inside air conditioned, my mother has nowhere to go. even though my mom was wrong to do that, thats wat she did and she wasnt willing to go inside unless they left, so i did what i had to do as a son.

the reason they came over is because ramadan is comming up and they wanted to put things behind them. the aunt that just came to visit from back home is an amazing person, very pious woman mashallah, and i love her alot, and i know her intentions were good.
Maybe´Im wrong but it feels right, and my intentions were good, i just want to know if i was, and i would aslo like to know if allah would still accept my fasting and what i should do about my aunts.

jazakumallah khayr


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16 Responses »

  1. SubhanAllah what a mess first can i just say that what happened to your mother all thoses years ago was wrong and every family has problem's in marriage and if they living with inlaws then even worst, and their are troublemakers in every family, but if your mum and dad have been though it and are still together and this happened so many years ago i cant understand the benefit in telling you children and putting resentment in your hearts for your father and his family, iam sorry for your mother but she was 1)wrong in telling you guys about what went on in the pasted 2)wrong leaving her house and sitting in the garden while she had guests in her house even if your aunty was with them your other aunt her son and someone else was with them and they came to make things right and you brother insted of convincing your mother to come back in and face this you could not hold your anger and kicked your aunties out of your house infront of their brother SubhanAllah brother this was so wrong in so many way i dont blame you at all seeing your mother hurt and knowing to many detail's about it made you act that way, Brother a muslim should not hold enmity in his heart for his brother for 3 days,,,,,It is not permissible for a man to forsake his muslim brother for more than 3 days, each of them turning away from one another when they meet. The better of them is the one who gives the greeting of salam first, (Bukhari 5727,Muslim 2560),..
    Brother walaahi if i were you i would talk to my mother and say lets end the kiss her on the head tell her you are going to sort this out once and for all, kiss my father and apologies to him, and then go to my aunties and apologies to them and kiss both on their heads too, brother life is to short why throw all you hassnat away and put youself in sin cutting family ties these are all your blood family make this right and have a wonderful Ramadan.

    • Salam,

      Thank you for your views this problem,
      I just have to add that my mother wouldnt listen to me if i asked her to come inside, very hard headed. she has anger issues and if i would have told her to come in side she would have said i was taking their side even after alll the things shes done to us.
      like i said it was crazy hot out side, and i had to get her in any way possible.
      May allah guide us all on the straight path ameen
      thanks again,

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother,

    Masha´Allah, what a soft heart you have and how much you love your mum, I am sure your mum´s Heart melts having you around.

    Brother only Allah(swt) knows if your fast will be valid or not, do it with all your Heart, repent from whatever you have to repent, what you are conscious and what you have done unconsciously, put yourself in His Hands¨s and do it the best you know until now, ask Him(swt) for guidance and help and don´t ask yourself or doubt about its validity, just do it your best, Allah(swt) watch and listen to us, that is enough, He(swt) knows what is in our Hearts, isn´t this enough to do our best?

    Related to your mum, try to make her get closer to Allah and approach her to forgiveness, her heart is hard now due to so much suffering, acknowledge her suffering, love her and tell her that if she can´t do it by herself she has to go to Allah(swt) Merciful and Compassionate, tell her to read the Names of Allah and His Attributes, one by one, and her Heart will melt, little by little, insha´Allah.

    This is a test, your mum is out of the Path and Allah(swt) is at her door waiting for her to come to Him(swt), tell her that when we go crawling to Him, He walks toward us, and when we walk towards Him, He runs to us, Insha´Allah, your mum will breath the essence of Islam through the sweetness and softness of your Heart, Alhamdulillah.

    She has received a call, the time to answer is here, Alhamdulillah.

    Ramadan Mubarak to all of you.

    María Editor

    • salam

      Thank you for your views on this sister
      my mother is really stubborn wallah, i tried many times over the last year to tell her the importance of islam in our life but i feel that she just doesnt care. she was born to muslim family but raised by her aunt which married a christian man in beirut due to her families economic poblems, she had 9 sisters, which made it hard for her perents to feed them all. so she was raised in a christian family, but al hamdulilah she married my father.

      after i became a better muslim, and implemented deen into my life, my sister was so impressed with how my actions, my manners, my anger, my character in general changed, sub7anallah she became a hundred times better then me, wore hijab, prays 5 times.very very proud of her wallah, but i cant say the same about my mother every time i bring it up in front of her, try to help her out of my love for her, nothing. like i said she has extreme anger issues, and i know our deen can help her over come these issues the way it helped me, but i feel that she just doesnt care.

      My father is an amazing father, hes not perfect but hes suffered alot for us throughout his life and still does, does not implement his deen to the best of his ability, but im very proud of him wallah, he didn't chase material things in this world, he and my mother spent the past 23 years of there life, successfully raising his 3 kids, alhamdulilah

      i geuss my question now is how to help my mother become a better muslim? after deen helped me out of my problems, got me off the streets, out of jail, landed me a job, got into college, changed my life as a whole, i wish to help my mother in the same way, just wish i knew how...

      thanks again sister, my allah guide us all on the straight path ameen

  3. i will make short for you first you mum should of forgiven them in Islam you have to forget & forgive okay second there were your mum's guest she should of never left the home & 3rd you should of never told them to leave

    Listen brother worse than that happenned to a very dear person in my life but gues what when her in laws are in trouble now since she is very wealthy you know what she does she support them financially she has forgiven them that is a good muslim

  4. Subhan'Allah sister mina that is always the way, best to fogive.

  5. I had written here a few months ago about getting someone to forgive me. I have walked away from a relationship because of family pressure and the other person is hurt and angry as we had been together for a long time. It has been a long difficult year for both of us and I am now married to someone else. The guilt of what I did shames me and I have been trying to pray and fast this ramadan to forgive myself.
    I know that as a muslim it is necessary to seek forgiveness from the wronged person but they are not willing to forgive me for what happened and I understand their grief. But since we are taught that Allah forgives during ramadan if we pray sincerely will my prayers make a difference or am I still liable till they forgive me?
    PS- in earlier responses, people had mentioned that i should wait for sometime and seek forgiveness again from this person and did not say I could pray during Ramadan and make up for my mistakes. I would appreciate advice from anyone here.

    • Dear CookieCutter (I'm tempted to call you Cookie Monster, but I won't as this is a serious matter :O),

      I am sorry for the pain you are going through. You were brave to leave your ex, that takes courage too. Sometimes the other person will just never understand the difficulties you have gone through with families or the continued pain of separation and guilt you are feeling. The main thing is that you have sought forgiveness from Allah(swt) for your sins - and I am referring to any haraam relations you had with your ex. If you have had the chance to ask your ex to forgive you, that is enough, you have done your part, you have been humble. It would be nice if he understood, but we cannot make anyone understand.

      The best thing you can do for him now is to make dua that Allah lightens his heart, makes him into a pious Muslim and grants him with a spouse and offspring who are the comfort of his eyes. If after this he wishes to ruin his life through bitterness, he is deciding to that. It would be easier for him if he understood that there is a wider picture to everything, but Allah will heal his heart inshaAllah. Anyhow, my dear sister, just make dua for him and avoid contacting him now. This is not good for either of you or for your marriage. Do the right thing from here and focus on your marriage. This is the way it was meant to be. Ask Allah to lighten your heart and to help you find peace in yourself. Do not keep thinking that Allah has not forgiven you.

      He(swt) says in Surah Zumar, Ayah 53: "Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. "

      If you have any further question, please log in and submit them as a separate question.

      SisterZ Editor

  6. Thank you for the kind words. We are older and I am scared she may not marry again because of how this has scarred her. All this makes me sadder as I wish I had never thought of her as more than a friend and now she is shattered and bitter about everything.
    Based on what you said if we are forgiven, then why are we asked to request forgiveness from the person and require them to do so before the sin can be let go? Im confused about this and everything I have read so far seems to contradict as different verses and interpretations say different things. Please help

    • she is unfortunate. And she fell in love with a man who cannot be with her. This is her misfortune. You have actually done nothing here. She is suffering but that is what her fate is. You said sorry you did your part now just forget about her and leave her to her destiny.

      • I read the responses above and I have only this to say
        cookie- it is good that you realize and repent for what you have done. But please remember to never play with someone's emotions , people spend a lifetime trying to recover from mental health issues as a result of being traumatized by circumstances . Consider this before you ever say or do something to hurt someone period.

        ruhijarifa - your reply is insensitive. Destiny is free will and hence what comes our way is a result of our free choices
        To tell someone you are destined to suffer is cruel; he chose to love her and led her to think of committment so he is responsible for that choice. If he was so concerned about his family he should have not led her on in a long term relationship which he admits to. That is why he is wrong - everyone deserves happiness and a worthy partner, if he has done this to her he will face retribution for his mistakes maybe now maybe later. Nobody has the right to string someone along if they are not sure about the relationship, other people's lives are not toys to be played with.
        Her mistake is that she chose to believe him but I hope she gets the strength to look past this and move on with her life and she will get someone who deserves her more. Please be more considerate before responding this way

        • As much as there is sense in saying the past needs to be left in the past, everyone here seems to be overlooking the fact that someone has suffered hugely here. The woman who was wronged cannot be told that she needs to buck up and move on, heartbreak especially as you get older can be very painful both mentally and physically as it drains you.
          cookiecutter , you should never forget the mistake you have committed and the effect it has had on this person so you learn to respect and value another human being. But at the same time remember that the wife is an outside party and does not deserve to be treated badly for walking into this situation.

          My heart goes out to the woman here as she must be going through a lot of mental agony for your selfish ways. You do not have the right to treat anyone this way and so what you have done will come back to you at some point. But do good and be good going forward and hope that she forgives you and finds someone better as she does deserve it.

          • Blue,

            I do agree with you. But I thought rather than mention all that - which the brother has probably been dealing with for a long time anyway, now he needs help in trying to move on.

            Yes, we should all think before we mistreat others. But it doesnt end there. We can be forgiven and there is light at the end of the tunnel. JazakahAllah for your reminder though :O)


          • Sister Z- point noted but what about the "woman" here, what if she doesnt find the light at the end of the tunnel? And if they dated and were older then it is probably more difficult for her now to move on and find someone, this is why I think cookie should not live in the delusion that prayer will help him wash over his sins. You cannot use someone and then think I was wrong so I will pray and ask for forgiveness and its all good. You need to remember in this lifetime that you have done this to someone and deserve to be punished somewhere someday. People's lives are not a joke, respect for humanity is the fundamental basis for religion and Islam does say you need to follow this. So if he didnt follow this then he cannot live under the shadow that he prays now and it is all ok. what about the verses in the quran that speak to not betraying someone, zina and "eye for an eye", he didnt follow any of those so how come he can conveniently move on to the prayer verses and say life is fine now. Also as a sinner, isnt he liable to marry someone who has committed the same , has he even been true to this faith by telling the woman he married? This is what I find frustrating about Islam- in one verse it says that an adulterer deserves only the same and then later says a person who has committed sin should hide their sins. So which is right?

        • I am soory for my harsh comment. And it is true that the woman has indeed been hurt badly. I pray Allah blesses her and the pain becomes her strength.

    • Oops, CookieCutter,

      I just realised you're a man and not a woman.


      What is Al-Qantarah? It is a small bridge after the Sirat that the believers will have to cross before entering Jannah. Allah(swt) will ask the believers to settle their issues here.

      Abu Saeed al Khudree(ra) reports that the Prophet (sws) said, "When the believers cross the Hellfire, they will be stopped at a small arched bridge (Qantarah) before entering the paradise and will be given retribution for injustices between them until they become purified. (Then) they will be permitted to enter Jannah. So, by the One in Whose Hands is my soul, they will know their way to their homes in Jannah, better than they know their ways to their homes in dunya." [Saheeh Al-Bukhari]

      But there is also a hadith narrated in Mustadarak al-Hakim with an authentic chain that states that there will be two men from this Ummah that will come before Allah(swt). One man will say, "So and so has transgressed against me and I want from his good deeds? Allah will tell him: "Do you see this great palace in paradise?" And the man will look at the palace, and Allah will say to him: "It will belong to you if you forgive your brother today." And the man will forgive him. Rasulullah(sws) said at the end of this hadith: meaning: "safeguard yourselves from Allah, and reform and reconcile amongst yourselves, indeed Allah will reconcile between the believers (on the Day of Judgment)."

      Honestly, this hadeeth gives me some peace!


      This same matter is heavy on many brothers and sisters minds, including mine. There maybe people whom we need to ask for forgiveness from, or rather we need their forgiveness but if we go to them at this point in their lives, it will cause them more problem. At the same time, there are people who can be approached and asked for forgiveness but they still refuse to forgive. If it was your mother or father or a sibling who you need forgiveness from, I would urge you to keep seeking their forgiveness. But in your case, I would advise you strongly to stop contacting your ex because you are not mahram to her. You have done the right thing, you have already sought forgiveness and she will not forgive you. You cannot make her.

      After we have sincerely tried to seek forgiveness and whatever the outcome of that, Allah knows the condition of our hearts. So no more Brother. You have tried. Find peace in your heart and now do deeds that will benefit her Hereafter, like make dua for her, give sadaqah in her name, and ask Allah to forgive her sins. At the same time, if someone wrongs you, show them compassion, so that on the Day of Judgement, perhaps Allah will show Mercy to you by inspiring your ex to forgive you -as stated in that second hadeeth above. See, there is always a way out of the dark cave inshaAllah! :O)

      Brother - Allah knows your heart and intentions. So no more battering yourself. Enough is enough. Let this be a reminder to you that we need to all think before we act and try not to do things that will hurt other people. InshaAllah, when your ex decides to move out of this state of mind that she has 'chosen' to stay in, she will find happiness again. Do not make a further mistake of neglecting or mistreating your wife because of this. The Prophet(sws) said: "The best of men is the one who is best to his wife!"


      And please, no more questions here. I find if difficult not to answer brothers and sisters questions when they are so desperately in need of help, but in doing so like this I am breaking the website policy. And if I keep doing that Br Wael might just go and sack me and then I'll be the one writing in here all depressed and gloomy! :O)

      InshaAllah please submit any further questions as separate posts, JazakhaAllahkhair!

      SisterZ Editor

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