Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Father abusive behaviour toward family and difficulty in finding a decent proposal for sister.

violent father

Assalam O Alaikum,

 My sister is now in her early thirties, short in height (4’11”) and average looking and I think these things put people off. My father gives my sister and mother hard time and it breaks my heart when he has a go on them and my mother starts crying. My sister does everything but my father still regards her as a burden and puts her down.

It’s not our fault because we had some very good proposals within the family but my father didn’t agree as he doesn’t get along very well with anybody. We don’t know other people outside our own family very well because our father didn’t allow us to socialise freely with our community when we were younger and basically kept us isolated due to the fear of us going off track. Now he literally wants to off load her onto anybody so that he can be free of her responsibility which isn’t morally right.

We want to find her a good proposal as marriage is not a game. She’s been to Pakistan twice with my mother but has not found any suitable match. Now my father is getting impatient and sometimes resorts to swearing at her. She’s a very strong girl but I fear she might go into depression soon. Another problem is that, my father’s sisters (aunts) are always meddling in our family matters. My father is the only brother so he listens to whatever they say right or wrong and even if it is not good for the family.

My mother is not given her right to say anything in major issues of family and part of the reason of my sister not getting married is the interference from my aunts (father’s sisters). If any suitable proposals come for my sister then either they will not inform my parents and say NO on our behalf or if my father informs them of any proposals then they will advise my father to say NO. We only recently got wind of this.

They arranged my marriage to their cousin to suit their needs and my marriage is a shame. It is a marriage in name only. It’s been 10 years to this day but my husband has never shown any interest in building upon his marriage and we are stuck in a time warp. I put up with it and ruined my life and now they are putting the same pressure for my sister. The reason is that my aunt wants to give her daughter to my brother. She probably views my sister as a thorn in her daughter’s side.

We have put up with their meddling all our life and now we are fed up and it saddens me that we are not even allowed to live our own life. They view their nieces as animals of sacrifice. My mother is very sad as she has only three children and our lives are being dictated by others. She is sad that one daughter has no children and other has yet to have gotten married and says this is not what she envisaged for her children.

Please tell us how to deal with this situation as we are getting desperate. Jazakallah.


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaykum Sister Gaz,

    In the name of Allah, we begin seeking His guidance to your problem and we seek His protection from the wrong doers.

    Sister, what has happened has happened, we cannot bring those proposals back. Only Allah can. So No.1, turn to Allah with all your du'aas and salaat and 5 daily prayers and Tahajjud and make it a habit to continue it life long. Turn to Allah sincerenly all of you sisters and mothers and Insha Allah some good thing will surely common to pass you way soon. We hope the best from Allah.

    Regarding your father, pray to Allah he leaves his swearing and acts in kindness towards you and your family.

    Sometimes human thinking, actions and efforts seem to be going nowhere and one feels stuck. This is the moment to turn to Allah in total submission and ask Him for Help. Surely these problems are bound to be solved.

    Sister, from the details you gave you seem to be a mentally strong and able woman, my advice to you is to keep supporting your mother and sister and ask them to be very Islamic in their approach. To be kind and forgiving to the father and his sisters. And to be FIRM. YES. THE THREE OF YOU HAVE TO STAND FIRM. Such disturbances come in life, but hold on to Allah and that is the most firm grip which will never break.

    If you three keep on supporting each other, read Qur'an much and hope from Allah that some good proposal would come to your sister's way Insha Allah, it will come.

    Why we get in to depression? Because we lack strength in iimaan.
    Keep Sabr. Desperation may lead to wrong actions. So keep Sabr and keep praying to Allah. I know it is hard, but if you know that you have to meet Allah, be patient, He will not let your efforts get wasted.

    Allah says in Surah Al Imraan:
    200. O ye who believe! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that ye may succeed.

    Allah says in Surah An Nahl:
    127. Endure thou patiently (O Muhammad). Thine endurance is only by (the help of) Allah. Grieve not for them, and be not in distress because of that which they devise.
    128. Lo! Allah is with those who keep their duty unto Him and those who are doers of good.

    Read lot of Qur'an, with meanings and translation, have faith in Allah, that He will give a spouse, if not in the next few days, then in next few weeks or months or years to come and if not in this life, then in Jannah. Being Muslims we should make ourselves aware of the fact that this Life is a test from Allah.

    Surah 67. Al-Mulk
    1. Blessed is He in Whose hand is the Sovereignty, and He is Able to do all things.
    2. Who hath created life and death that He may test you, which of you is best in conduct; and He is the Mighty,

    12. And hath awarded them for all that they endured, a Garden and silk attire;

    40. But as for him who feared to stand before his Lord and restrained his soul from lust,
    41. Lo! the Garden will be his home.
    - Surah Nazi'at

    Sister, Sabr is a great virtue in Islam and it is required of us Muslims. Allah is testing you, keep Sabr, keep praying. No hardship comes but by His permission, so ask Him to remove it from you.

    I know my advice seems good in words and it must be hard to practice it, but for the sake of Allah be patient sister. What not did the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) bear with patience when they were mocked at, insulted, boycotted, deserted and attacked from all sides. All they did was patience and sought Allah's help constantly and Allah did help them, for He is the True and those whom people call besides Him, they are the false. And because Allah is able to do all things. Wa huwa ala kulli shay in qadiir. And Allah is a witness over all things. Wa huwa ala kulli shay in shaheed. And Allah is the knower of all things. Wa huwa ala kulli shay in aleem.

    O Sister ! I share these moments of pain with you. Life is hard and you are suffering wherever you are now and I am not suffering anything like you do, but I can certainly understand the stress on the mind of your mother and sister and be not grieved.

    My advice is not in form of some up and down visible actions that could suddenly bring a solution to your problems.

    My advice is one of Sabr. Read the Qur'an with meanings a lot. Pray five times, pray Tahajjud. Remember Allah much. Build up iimaan. Save yourself and your family from falling in to depression. Do not worry about what your father's sisters devise. Hold fast to Allah. Indeed Allah is able to do all things.

    Sister, pay heed to what I say, this is the best advice I can give you. It is not about taking steps at all times. Sometimes it needs courage to just stay where you are and endure patiently hoping for the reward from Allah. And indeed Allah is the Bestower. He will give you all of His abundance greatly if you turn to Him being thankful.

    As far as your marriage goes, if you are feeling "stuck" and you find no peace and the very purpose of your marriage is not fulfilled, remove any injustice being done to you. Do not worry as to how your mother will feel.

    I wrote on another post yesterday which I would like to put here:

    Marriage in Islam is a union of two souls living together with a common objective: To fulfil the purpose of their Lord the Most High. This is what Islam says and this is what I would always stick to. Insha Allah.

    Islamic married life is simple, yet culture has made it look very difficult.

    Islamic married life can be summed up in short as : Marry someone you like - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - marry another one Allah send's your way - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - go on - until you find the right person.

    By the above process I do not mean we should start and end so quick, all I mean is Allah has made a system for us, without any flaws, without causing any hopelessness.

    Allah has kept all good options so open and easy for both male and female partners that they remain happy and their lives are not stuck in to sadness. Allah has provided such a beautiful system without any element of shame or guilt in it.

    Remember in among many Catholics, divorce is considered as a grave sin. So we should Thank and Praise Allah for making our Deen, Religion easy for us.

    But cultures have made it look tough. If a girl is divorced soon after marriage, she is looked upon with different eyes, sometimes suspected, people do not approach her as easily as they would if she hadn't been married once. Cultures make an issue of marrying a girl who has a kid out of her marriage and is now divorced, culture make it look bad to marry a widow. So cultures have caused lot of harm to the Ummah.

    We need to cling on to Islam, the principles it is built upon. If we do so, we shall have success in dunya and aakhirah and if we don't our matter is with Allah and He is the best of judges.

    109. Is he who founded his building upon duty to Allah and His good pleasure better; or he who founded his building on the brink of a crumbling, overhanging precipice so that it toppled with him into the fire of hell? Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. - Surah Tauba.

    Sister, think well about your own marriage. If you find it to be harming your life in dunya and in aakhriah, then try to work out and if it does not work out, make a way out for yourself and Allah is Forgiving and Merciful and will replace this with something better. Insha Allah.

    We seek His refuge from Shaytaan and from obeying our desires. We seek from Him His Guidance to Truth.

    Think deeply, think from a "just" point of view and take a step which does not do injustice to you or to your husband.


    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. Gaz, As-salamu alaykum,

    Your sister needs to take control of her own life and destiny. She can place a profile on a matrimonial website; she can talk to her married friends to see if their husbands know of any good candidates for marriage; she can participate in Islamic activities and maybe get to know of someone that way.

    If she continues sitting at home, waiting for a miracle to happen, life will pass her by. It's obvious that your father and aunts are not looking out for your interests or your sister's.

    Wael Editor

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