Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Father approves my marriage reluctantly – Should I consider it?

shy man

Father and son.

Assalamoalaikum wr wb

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I am writing here as I am very confused with the situation am in. I am from India, but living in USA since last 5 years. I am highly successful with my education and career in my entire life Alhamdlillah, and now am planning to get married.
I have a friend in India who is a pious girl. I know her since one and half-year and we got to know each other very well that we think we are best made for each other, at least in my knowledge, but Allah SWT knows best. We have very strong feelings for each other so we planned to get married and live rest of the life together as husband and wife, rather than being friends.
I did istekhara but didn't get a clear indication from my knowledge. As istekhara is a dua for betterment in this life and hereafter, I went ahead with a decision to marry this girl praying that my decision to be correct.
I asked my parents to approach girl's father. My father did not appreciate the idea of me selecting a girl for myself.
After a long struggle, my parents met their parents and the girl. My father tried to give some very senseless reasons to reject the girl's family. I tried to  convince him that all the reasons he was giving were no way will be liked by Allah SWT. He was convinced and then I came back to Europe, but when I left India, he spoke to girl's father and said that we are not interested and wouldn't like to take this matter ahead.
When I came to know this, I left my job projects in critical situation, went back to India and tried to discuss the matter with my father. I tried to explain logically, cried, requested, begged and did all that I can for few weeks. He stopped giving any reasons then and just started rejecting without any reason.
Looking into all the hurdles coming my way, I thought the decision I made after istekhara is wrong so thought of giving up as Allah SWT didn't want this to happen. But when I decided to give-up, things started coming in my favour. My father doesn't have a reason and he says he is not happy, but said he is okay to go ahead. I thought, that the girl's father wouldn't agree after all that happened, but he agreed within no time. I asked her father to come to our place and meet my parents in my presence. He had few other appointments so he said he can't come. But next day he cancelled all his appointments and came to my place and met my parents. But my dad agreed to me with a lot of disappointment and sadness.
I wanted to get married with everyone's happiness, and fought my best for it, but in the end I couldn't achieve it, even though my father said yes.
I came back to work but am very confused if I should really marry this girl, even though my father is ok with this marriage but very unhappy.
I did istekhara again now, but couldn't interpret properly. So decided to sacrifice for my father's happiness. I prayed Allah SWT to stop me if I am taking a wrong decision. I decided not to proceed and decided to tell this to girl's father. But everyone in my family (except my dad) said my decision is wrong and stopped me from informing the girl's father. Its more than a week and I still did not inform her father even if I am wanting to every day. Shall I consider this as Allah SWTs indication that He Almighty accepted my prayer and stopped me from informing the girl's father?
My father is 75 years of age, and he says his happiness in my wedding would be his last wish. I am really scared that if I proceed to marry this girl, then my father might get any negative impact on his health due to his age! But I have confidence that good health and bad health both are from Allah SWT. Because I did istekhara, I prayed for this matter to be better for this life and hereafter, so why would Allah SWT impact my dad's health because of this matter! Allahu Alam.
I can't leave the solution to time, and I can't keep the girl waiting as she has younger sisters who have to get married in near future!
My questions in brief would be:
01. Because my father is unhappy shall I stop thinking of getting married to this girl?
02. If I marry this girl, would I be considered dis-obedient to my father, in Islamic guidance?
03. Its really very very difficult for me and the girl to accept this separation. I really don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone cry. Is there a way out for this?
Dear brothers and sisters,
Please try to keep these points in mind, while suggesting a solution.
All the efforts I made were not just to get my parent's approval but to get their approval with happiness. I know that for a man, parent's approval is not mandatory to get married, but still I really wanted my parents to be felt the respect.
Because my dad doesn't have a reason, there is no point in discussing with him anymore and trying to convince him. Now, he doesn't even want to discuss Islamic rights and duties and principles that a father and son should deal with! He is simply angry and upset over me.
- Brother-in-Islam

Tagged as: , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. Maybe your father doesn't want you to may this girl because he has some other plans for you. Obviously they willbe worldly plans since your father gave you sense less reasons. The criteria fit choosing a spouse in Islam is simple. The girl or the boy should have iman and character. Our Prophet (pbuh) doesn't disapprove of marriages in which the spouse is chosen by the bride and groom themselves. Infact he has earned that if you force your child to marriage that marriage is invalid as it might result in unhappiness and corruption. And the persos responsible for that marriage will be held accountable. You seem like a good pious mature Muslim. You should discuss this matter with you father in terms of Islam, and tell him authentic ahadith regarding this matter. He as a father also has a few responsibilities and one of them is to respect your choice for marriage unless he find the girl extremely flawed in terms of character or iman otherwise I'm afraid he well be violating your rights as a Muslim father. If he is God fearing he'll understand. InshaAllah.

  2. It sounds like you really love and respect your father.

    In Islam, we are ordered to speak kind words to our parents, and to take care of them when they are no longer able to care for themselves.

    We are not ordered to marry someone of our parents' choice. Our parents have a duty to introduce us to suitable prospective spouses, and the choice is ours from that point.

    For some reason, you feel that you have an obligation to ensure that your choice of spouse makes your father happy. As long as your bride is Muslim, and is a nice, moral girl, you have no further obligatation in terms of keeping your father happy.

    I am unaware of any Quranic verse or Hadith that directs an adult Muslim to marry someone of their parents' choice. Nor does Islam allow a parent to cause conflict in the family by needlessly creating obstacles to an adult child's marriage.

  3. Assalamualaikum brother in Islam,

    I understand how you love your father and your entire family. I understand your fear of Allah when you fear being disobedient.

    Firstly, I do not think Islamic discussions will work well, because at an old age, people generally tend to be stubborn. If you discuss with him and provide Ahaadeeth, and if he rejects them, it can be dangerous. So do not have the discussion with Ahaadeeth and the Aayaat.

    You said the family is on your side. So that means they like her. It is only your father who is upset because you being an obedient son, did not ask him before you chose a girl for yourself. This is what I see it to be. And Allah Knows Best.

    If you choose to marry a girl chosen by your father, the marriage may not be as successful, illa ma sha Allah. If the girl you wish to marry is religious and compatible with you, and you have your family's approval, I see no reason for denial.

    Your father is not upset today, because he can not imagine a son so obedient go against even one of his wishes. But if you do not marry this girl, it may affect your future, her future and that of your father's, when he feels upset for not fulfilling his son's wish. In any way, your father maybe upset with your marriage.

    So why not marry his girl while being extra kind to your father in talking and showing that the girl is a good daughter in law and will take care of you and your parents very well. I know, as I said, it may not work; but in sha Allah, gradually, when she comes home after Nikah and she behaves good with him and acts patiently, in sha Allah, he will accept it wholeheartedly. He will then be happy and contented in sha Allah.

    This is my opinion and I do not say that it is the best option. Wallahu A'lam.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  4. Dear brothers and sisters, thanks for your responses. I agree with all that you say, in the light of Islam. So am inclined towards thinking, that I should please Allah SWT more and make a lot of dua to make my dad happy in future and marry this girl now.
    I would like to appreciate the point raised by brother Abu Abdul Bari, that discussing hadeeth with my dad wouldn't work now, as my dad has become so stubborn that even if he is fearful of Allah SWT, he might not agree to hadeeth and end up in a sin.
    My main confusion raises not from if am obligated to obey my father even if he is not right, but, because am thinking that "I might get another girl but not another father right! If I make my father happy and sacrifice my wish now, I think Allah SWT might give more happiness to me and this sister in future in this world and hereafter, even if we separate."
    But at the same time am really scared that I would never get a girl like this sister, as she fulfills my prime criteria of compatability and I like her. I am sure in my knowledge that my parents can never find me a girl like this, but Allah SWT knows best.

    So I need your help, brothers and sisters, to drive me towards a decision. A decision in which Allah SWT will be more pleased.

    Thanks again.

    • Brother, I see that it is best to get married to her. You can gradually make your father happy in sha Allah.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  5. Hi Brother in Islam.. I just wanted to know that what u did at last in your situation and how its going on with you now?

Leave a Response