His father doesn’t accept me
Muslim and Christian Marriage
Hello,
My name is Paula and I am in need of an advise as I feel a bit lost at the moment. help me please. I shared a house with a wonderful Muslim man ( probably one of the best people i have ever met in my entire life so far ) for nearly a year and we became good friends, he taught me the Qur'an an a lot more about Islam and as a consequence we fell in love.
I am originally from Portugal and was brought up as a Christian, he is a straight Muslim from Algeria. We are in love and have made plans to marry and have a life together. we agreed that I would ask permission to my family and we would do the same. My mum was hard to convince but finally agreed to it but his dad refused to listen and said NO straight away giving the reason that I was European and not a Muslim.
He has been trying to convince him for 3 months but astill his answer is NO.
He is in this predicament and feels divided between me and his family. This week his dad has given him an ultimatum - its me or his family. Meaning - if he chooses me all his family will turn their back on him and he will be disowned.
I am 32 and he is 35, we are not children and we know what we want, I have been married before with a really bad Muslim and things didn't work as he was always drinking and fighting and I didn't think he was the right man for me. I do love this man with all my heart and it was heartbreaking to see him suffering and crying like that just for me so I took the decision to walk away so he didn't have to choose. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do as I love him so much that I would do anything to make him happy.
Little I knew it was going to hurt this much. I am heartbroken!!!!
I will eventually convert to Islam but i am still studying it and although every day i understand a bit more and become more certain that islam is the right religion, I want to do it for myself and not his family. I don't know what to do and feel a bit resentful and angry because he allowed me to walk away. I don't want to feel like that but I do and I can't help it. I know that wives are easy to find and family can't be replaced but still doesn't hurt less for knowing it.
Please give me your wise advice, this is making ill and I am Suffering too much.
Thank you for your time.
Please reply.
May Allah bless you
Many thanks
Kind regards,
Paula.
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Salaams,
The part that stands out to me is where you said you "feel a bit resentful and angry because he allowed me to walk away". To me that tells me that when you did walk away, a part of you may have expected him to fight for you, or beg you not to go, or chase you down. I think if you really wanted to walk away for the right reasons- namely, to make things easier on him- then you have to be willing to accept that he would abide by your decision and take the ease you are offering him. This was, after all, the entire point of you doing so, correct?
Breaking up is never easy, even if the reasons are noble and justified. You can expect that there will be a period of time after parting with him that you will feel lonely for him, and wish for him, and still feel very attached for him. The important thing to remember is that the solution to these feelings is NOT to have him come back in your life, but to work through them with maturity and focus that you did the right thing. You have to remember that you chose to make a personal sacrifice to have what you wanted with him, so that he could be in a less stressful position. If you really believe that it was meant for his best interests, that is what you must hang on to when your longings arise.
In the meantime, continuing your studies in Islam may provide the diversion you need to help you cope with this adjustment. I am sure as you learn you will be able to better understand things from his father's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. After all, one thing that can't be overlooked is the fact that Islamically, this man should've never been rooming with a female, or having any sort of pre-marital relationship with her. I think it's hard for parents to support a marriage that they understand is coming out of a sinful circumstance.
Islam is a dynamic faith, and in submitting to it you will find that it has the power to bring clarity to confusing situations, and to bring peace to the heart's turmoil. Consider what Allah has in store for your destiny, and try to follow that path as best you are able. The rest will fall into place and make sense as you go.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor