When a father does not wish for his daughter to marry, can she get married with her mother’s permission?
My father is a very cruel man. he never treated my mother right. my mother suffered her 35 years of marriage. he is very corrupt. he drinks daily and when ever he cannot he fights without any reason at home. he abuses everyone at home including me and my brother n most of all to my mother. he has been in relation with many girls, house maids and other third class girls.
the problem is my age is 25, i have 5 or 6 proposals which are arranged by my mother's effort and they all are willing to get married with me. all are from respectable families and earning handsome money. but my father is not willing for my marriage. he keeps on finding faults in every proposal. he is very cruel to me and abuses me all day long. the reason to hate me is that i caught him 4 times in our maid's room when he was drunk with some wrong intentions. i caught his messages on my maid's cell and showed to my mother and we all fought that day. he never admits that he is pissed off at me but through some means he hurts me.
i am very disturbed these days because my mother is not well and she wants me to get married as soon as possible but my father never supports in this matter. even when anyone brings proposal he never treats them right and does not talk with them properly. i am all crushed with his behavior. i have argued with him to please arrange my nikkah with any one of the proposals who have accepted me. but then he says "go and get married yourself. i shall be involved when a proposal comes of my choice". and we all know that he does not want this and this is just his excuse.
i am fed up of this life since 25 years and i want a companion for me legally and with my mother's will. my brother and sister does not support because they dont want to spoil their image in front of father for me. my sister is married and my brother is abroad.
in all this situation, should i get married with one of those proposals? my mother is willing for it and so do i. what islam says if father behaves like this?
Ayesha ali.
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AS Ayesha since your father is not fullfilling his role as a wali Islamically (not practicing, blatantly direspecting Allah SWT prohibition of alcohol) and denying your proposals because of his own insecuritiesa and indescretion, I would go as far as saying he is not your wali. I am not a scholar but it seems pretty apparent he is not acting in your interest, which is the point of a wali. You will have to have a replacement wali, an imam for instance can step in and act as your wali. Also please take proposals seriously, not everyone gets them and surely not 5+. Sometimes word gets around that someone is a tough pick and others might be discouraged from trying.
Assalamualaikum sister Aaisha,
I feel so bad for your mother. I can imagine how she suffers to company of your father. May Allah Give her Sabr and Help her.
You said you have a brother. Is he older than you? If not, then is he matured enough? If he is, then I believe he can act as your Wali, and Allah Knows Best. Otherwise, any other Mahram who understands your situation can be your Wali for Nikah.
If you find none, then the Imam can act as your Wali. You can then get married to the man of your choice. But do so after performing Istikhaarah with trust in Allah, so that you go with the Will of Allah, so that you choose the man who is best for you in Deen and Dunya.
May Allah Help you in this
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaykum sister Ayesha,
Focus on your path, seek the will of Allah, he will guide you.
As brother Waseem said, find a suitable Wali because your father appears to be unworthy and unable to act responsibly in this (or many other) matters.
I have one additional thing to suggest you think about. Many times, when a child grows up in a home full of turmoil, they try to escape the turmoil but end up repeating it, or moving into a different kind of turmoil. Use all the wisdom and restraint you have, call upon all the resources of your pious sisters at the masjid, and do you best to move forward with patience and clear thinking. Allah has granted you the gift of reason and thinking, now is one of the most important times for you to use it
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If the wali refused to let a woman marry a man whose religious commitment and character are good, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest and so on. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the qaadi, and the qaadi should arrange the woman’s marriage. If the matter is referred to him and he knows that her guardians have refused to arrange her marriage, then he should do that, because he is the wali in cases where there is no specific wali.
The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that if the wali repeatedly refuses marriage proposals from suitable men, then he is a faasiq (evildoer) and is no longer regarded as being of good character or as being a wali, rather according to the best known view of the madhhab of Imam Ahmad, he also forfeits the right to lead prayers and it is not valid to offer any congregational prayer behind him. This is a serious matter.
Some people, as we have referred to above, refuse offers of marriage from compatible men, but the girl may feel too shy to come to the qaadi to ask for her marriage to be arranged. This is something that does happen. But she should weigh the pros and cons, and decide which has the more damaging consequences, staying without a husband and letting her wali control her life according to his mood or his whims and desires, and when she grows old and no longer wants to get married, then he will arrange her marriage, or going to the qaadi and asking him to arrange her marriage because that is her right according to sharee’ah.
Undoubtedly the second alternative is preferable, which is that she should go to the qaadi and ask him to arrange her marriage, because she has the right to that, and because her going to the qaadi and his arranging her marriage serves the interests of others too, because others will come just as she has, and her coming to the qaadi will serve as a deterrent to those who wrong those whom Allaah has put under their care and prevent them from marrying compatible men. In other words, this serves three purposes:
1. The woman’s own interests, so that she will not stay without a husband.
2. The interests of others, because it will open the door for women who are waiting for someone to set a precedent they can follow.
3. Preventing those oppressive walis who make decisions for their daughters or other women under their guardianship according to their own moods or what they themselves want.
This also serves the purpose of establishing the command of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter) one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and widespread corruption.”
It also serves a specific interest, which is arranging marriages for those who are suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, thus protecting them from going astray and falling into haraam.
Quoted from Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/148
My father is also such a person, he did not get his sister married after my grandmother's death (the only reason I can understand for this act is he wanted to have the share of my aunt's property when she will die single) but she married her cousin at age 35 shortly after leaving home with my grand pa. And my father 3 years later got my aunt's husband killed for marrying my aunt. Now, I am 32 years old and single my father doesnt want me to get married, he provided me best education but he does not want me to get married, he also provided me with my share of property but he asks me to choose my brother as nominee for when I die my share will go to my brother. My father keeps on fighting with me cursing me and saying that I will be like his sister, I face so much hatred but I have no place to go. My parents say it's not their responsibility to get me married and my father also says nobody would ever marry me because I am so thin and ugly. He also says if anyone will marry me he will divorce me because I talk back.
In earlier years of his life he had so many girlfriends and a son from sin without marriage, who one day came our home to claim he is his son. My father still drinks and smokes and says he do so because we are useless kids. My father calls my brother, transgender because my brother does not want to become a playboy and have sex with girls without marriage.
I have no proposal and no chance of getting married and getting out of this hell. And my health is just getting worse thinking my life has no purpose.