Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Father in law is a child molester

Muslim children

I need to protect my children.

Please I need help. I am going crazy.

I really don't know how even start by describing my situation or how to ask for advise. I just found out my father in law is a child sexual abuser.

For background. When my husband asked for me almost 4 and a half years ago, obviously my family asked around the community about him and his family. We heard of such things about my fil but only rumors and I really didn't think it was true. Anyways we married.

Me and my husband have our ups and downs. I really love him. He is an amazing pure hearted man. I don't want anything to ruin my marriage but I will risk everything including my life to protect my daughter and my future children. My daughter is 3 years old and I am pregnant.

Fast forward to today. Last night I found a series of "letters" on my
husband's phone that seem like they are written accounts by my fil. They describe how he was mean and had anger issues and verbally and emotionally abused his wife. And in those letters it says "when I sexually assaulted that child" and "what I did to that innocent child". My mind and heart froze. I did a search and found the public records for the county I live in online (I'm in the US) and I found his guilty convictions of child abuse and sexual assault of minor under 12 years. These charges were in 2005.

I am so confused. What is bothering me and hurts the most is that my husband had these letters on his phone. I don't know if he wrote them for my fil. Or if my fil wanted him to translate it. Or I don't know what to think.

What does islam say about the punishment of a child molester? I mean the punishment for Zina while married is death and he was married with children. How am I suppose to act towards him? We see my husband's family every week and he always wants to play with my daughter and her cousins. We are all there in the living room but still. My mind will never be at ease.

If we have a boy my husband said before that he wants to name after his dad. No way in hell am I going to do that. Along with the child sexual charges he's also been charged with fraud and when I saw on the website he also owes the state over 10 grand. My husband works all day and night so hard. He provides for us and for his dad mom and 2 other siblings. It's not fair that my husband works so hard to support his sick dad.

I know parents deserve a certain amount of respect from their kids but doesn't that go away once they've done some thing as horrible as this?

I also saw something about him being in a sex offender program. I don't know if it's ended or not. The conviction also stated that he is not ever allowed contact with any child under 16. I need to protect my kids. But my fil is such a big part of our lives now. He comes to our house and we go to our inlaws. I mean what am I suppose to do about that? He is also very dominant and always demands that his way goes. Like simple things from what we eat or when we go over to money issues with my husband's buisness. I don't understand how my inlaws let him be a part of their lives after what he did. I hate how he plays man of the house when he is a child abuser.

History of sexual abusers proves that it's never a one time offense. That the time he was caught was most likely not his first time. And if he hadn't been caught he would still be doing it.

My main concern is how to talk to my husband about this, or even if I should at all. This will seriously affect out relationship. I have never talked about it before with him nor has he mentioned it. I really don't want to hurt him by bringing up the past. But it's not just about me, I have children whom I have a duty to protect.

What should I do. Please someone advise me. Should I talk to my husband? How should I do it? Should I prohibit my daughter from seeing her grandfather? So many questions. Should my husband listen to his dad, in any matter, in light of his father's actions? I don't want to cause a scandal and tell everyone. I just want to protect my kids because if my fil falls into the weakness he will target those close to him. Most child abuse happens within the home.

heather16

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34 Responses »

  1. Salam

    Sister , this is so very disgusting and disturbing even to read.

    Shortly all i can say is take your husband in confidence and talk to him about all this. Be very honest when you are talking. Forget about what you saw and read online about him and the cases. But you must tell him that since you read it all on his phone ( the letters ) so it forced you to ask him about this. After all you are his wife, you have the right to ask and its his duty to tell you too.

    May ALLAH bless you all

    Wa Salam

    • Thank you for your reply. I have been waiting weeks for this to get published.

      How should I approach it? What words should I say? I don't want to hurt him. Should I text him first while he is at work saying I have to talk to him about something important? So you think I shouldn't talk about what I found online? I had an idea of leaving this post open on the computer and leaving in front of him to read. I am so scared anxious and nervous about opening this subject.

      I am afraid of how he will react. First that I know and also if he does confirm it, I will have to change things about my relationship with my inlaws. Like sometimes they want to watch her alone. He already gets mad when I am not found of my daughter being there with out me. My mil never changed and fed her ever, so naturally I'm always just worried and now this situation is driving me nuts. My husband works in the morning till 7 then he comes home eats we put my daughter to bed then we sleep I don't want to ruin his day. Maybe I am over thinking this but I am so lost.

      • Salam sister

        Why are you so afraid ? The more you will think the more you will worry. Keeping in mind your husbands work schedule and the schedule when he is back home. You can talk to him about this probably on a holiday after a good lunch or so.

        And please he is your husband and not friend to text him and talk about such issues. Talk to him upfront face to face. Also keep in mind ( messages, emails) remain as proofs. So make very sure the same arent used against you in some or the other way.. Never know with a child molester.. And never know with peoples mentality these days.

        Just relax and talk to him in a very casual way. I feel he will tell you whatever is the real situation.

        And about your FIL being a child molester and the cases regarding him well then dont really believe what you read, not everything is true everytime. These days people are very Jealous and Greedy.

        So until and unless you arent very sure about the scenario dont think as negative as your thinking about him. After all he is the GRANDFATHER of your children. It would be very inhumane of him to do any such shameful act.

        So dont worry much and speak to your husband rather making any delay.

        Wa Salam

  2. And by the way all Editors..

    Its a super pic on Display. Masha ALLAH
    May ALLAH bless those kids.

    Ameen

    Sum Ameen !

  3. Dear sister,

    Please find a good time and talk to your husband about this. Tell him you found the letters on his phone. Tell him this has made you really worried and extremely concerned about the well-being of your kids.

    He may probably give you reassurance that all is fine and nothing to worry about. But I think you should tell your husband that this has really disturbed your mind, it has taken your peace of mind away. Say that you are finding it hard for your kids to play or go near to his grandad.

    Tell your husband that you are okay that if he is trying to help his father with this situation but you just don't feel safe for your kids to be around him. Say that as parents we have responsibility to takecare of our kids from young to adult. So please don't get upset if I don't give same level of respect to your father again.

    Sister, you need to talk and discuss this with your respected husband. If your husband reacts unreasonably then say nothing. Leave the matter at that point and you just try to protect your kids from his grandad. Your job was to inform your husband that you know and so any unpleasant behaviour from you your husband should understand what is or has caused it.

    And all we know, maybe your husband's father is a changed person, but, I would probably even find it hard to give him any eye contact after finding out his terrible past. Sister, you just have to be brave. You just have to pretend to your FIL that you know nothing. Just keep it between yourself and husband.Try to treat your FIL the same way as before but just be extra vigilante of your kids and yet not paranoid.

    May Allah swt make this phase of life easy for you to handle, ameen xxx

    • Thank you for your kind and wise advice. You are right I do have the responsibility of talking to him about this but I am so nervous and scared.

      Like I can see so many problems coming up in the future about it. My husband sometimes wants his family to watch my daughter alone. Or like for an example when we do a birthday for her we try to make sure all family members can be there. But I confirm this when I talk to him then I am not going to want to care if my fil shows up at birthdays or any occasions for that matter. Just foreseeing what this will do in everyday situations in the future is driving me nuts.

      What words should I say? How should I approach it? What kind of limits should I set with my fil?

  4. You need to talk to your husband ASAP!!! He probably won't like to hear it since it's about his dad but you need to talk to him and protect your daughter. Please don't EVER let her alone with her grandparents. I have a son allhamdullilah. Although my husbands family is fine I never let my baby alone with anyone except with my husband and sometimes with my mum. You never know nowdays. There are too many people who molest children, girls and boys,in most cases its someone from the family. Not only men but also women do!!! Better safe than sorry. It will ruin your child's life, please take care of her, you are her mother you have to protect her! May Allah swt protect you and your baby from everything evil ameen

    • You know I have had this issue about leaving my daughter with my inlaws from the begining. I always would leave my daughter with my mom all the time. She takes better care of her than I do. But my mil has never once changed or fed her so naturally I was never liked for my inlaws to watch my child and that caused problems with my husband.

      If I talk to my husband about this it will confirm it and I will set stronger rules about visiting and staying with them which will make it even harder.

      I don't even know what words to use to approach him. I don't want to hurt him or cause problems.

      • Sister your first piority is your daughter. You shouldn't be afraid talking to your husband about it. I mean it's your husband, you should be able to talk to him about everything even if it's about his dad. He is your daughters father so he should care about her. It would be very weired and disturbing if he gets offended, since its about protecting his own child!!! He shouldn't get angry or offended at all. I
        The fact that your father in law makes all the decision is also very weired. You are two adults, married and should be able to make your own decisions.
        Talk to him and if it's really true than you both need to protect your child, it's your duty! If my fil was a child molester, I would make sure he wouldn't ever see my child again insh'Allah, I mean we need to protect our children, it's our responsibility.

        • Everything you said was right and I agree and think the same way. It's just my nerves. My husband very protective of my daughter and me as well. He is so loving kind and caring and because he is such a sweet person it makes it even hrder to open up a subject that might hurt him when I know it's not his fault.

          I will talk to him soon inshallah. Thank you for telling me I have to step up. I'm naturally a very shy person and not confrontational so inshallah Allah gives me the strength for all of this.

  5. Salam Islamically we should confront your husband .We dont know 100% and we cant trust now days the justice system or law.Eg. you can touch a kid indirectly and all a sudden your a predator. People are always trying to ruin others.Bring them down.ANYWAYS IF HE DID PEOPLE CAN CHANGE AND EVERYBODY IS SINFUL.THE QUESTION IS?IS HE PRAYING SALAH. DOES HE GO TO THE MOSQUE BECAUSE THESE ARE IMPORTANT SIGNS AS THIS PERSON WANTS CHANGE AND HE IS ASKING FORGIVINESS FROM ALLAH.THE POINT IS THAT TODAY MUSLIMS HAVE NO GUIDANCE AND ARE LOST IN LIFE.THEY HAVE NOT UNDERSTOOD THERE PURPOSE AND THAT ALLAH HAS RULES TO FOLLOW ETC......SO WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? SO ASK YOUR HUSBAND AND SEE WHAT HE SAYS. HE MUST HAVE AN IDEA OR SOME SECRET THAT HE KNOWS BUT IT IS NOT YOUR BUISSNESS TO GET THE DETAILS .JUST TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL AND THAT IM CONCERNED ABOUT MY KIDS. AGAIN REMEMBER DO NOT LET THIS DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU ARE ALWAUS AROUND YOUR KIDZ SO THATS FINAL.ASLONG AS THEY ARE NOT ALONE WITH ANYONE YOU FONT TRUST THATS FINE ..ALSO WE CANT START DICTATING ANYONE BECAUSE SOME DID SOMETHING WHATEVER IT BE.LIKE I SAID ALLAH IS AWARE AND IS CONTROLLER OF EVERYTHING.IN GENERAL ANY HUMANBEING WHO DOESNT FOLLOW ALLAH COMMANDMENTS AND TEACHINGS OF MUHAMMAD WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL IN THIS WORLD AND OVIOUSLY THE HEREAFTER!!!!LOOK AT THE SUICIDE RATE WITH ACTORS RICH POOR ........ALL MESSED UP IN THERE LIVES. SOOOOO LEARN DEEN CORRECTLY AND SEND YOUR KIDZ TO MADRESSAH FULL TIME SO THEY CAN BE A MEANS OF SALVATION AND A ROLE MODEL FOR AN UPRIGHT MUSLIM TO LIVE IN SOCIETY.

    • You are right, sometimes people get convicted of things that they did not commit. But when I saw the letters on his phone I went crazy. My fil is not relgious at all. Never prays. So I don't know if he has chaged for th e better since the incident.

      I don't know what words to say or how to approach my husband to open the subject.

  6. OP: I also saw something about him being in a sex offender program. I don't know if it's ended or not. The conviction also stated that he is not ever allowed contact with any child under 16.

    If your father in law has been convicted I am sure your husband knows about that. By being with children under 16 this man is breaking condition for his release and could go to Jail. I don't think you can do much. Unfortunately in some cultures people don't talk about sex abuse to protect their close relatives from going to Jail.

    Make sure you don't leave your kids alone with this man.

    • I've never left my daughter alone with him. But she has been there without me at my inlaws when my mil and fil are there. I was maybe once or twice a while ago and a few times she would go with her dad without me.

      My fil is definitely in contact with kids he has his own kid who came back from overseas to live in the US when he was 11 and there are 3 other grandchildren that live in the same city. And 3 other ones in a different state. They aways come to visit he always plays with them and wants to take pictures with them. I used to think that he was being nice and sweet but now everytime I think completely opposite.

      And you are right no one talks about sex in my culture it's a hush hush.

      And like I mentioned earlier my fil plays such a big role in the family. Everything has to go his way. I don't understand how my husband or the rest of my inlaws are ok with that. I get angrier and angrier every time I think about it. He is so bad no one should ever listen to him or give him the time of day. But he is ALWAYS calling the shots when it comes to family and buisness.

      I am so stressed.

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    Though there are many lives at stake, what ultimately matters is the best that you do. The result of what you do is not nearly important as doing the right thing especially in this matter. Simply put, you can not let the fear of your relationship with your husband being jeapordized weigh in on this situation as much as protecting your children.

    I advise you sister to talk to your husband about what you know and that you will do everything to protect your children. This is the most important thing. Yes, you should prohibit your daughter from seeing her grandfather as your reason is valid--if given what you have said is correct.

    May Allah make it easy on you and give you the strength to speak the this heavy truth with best intentions in mind. Ameen.

    • Thank you for your reply. You are very right. Everything you said is what I have been thinking and feeling. I just need the courage to do and say it to my husband. Inshallah Allah will give me the strength to do so. I will probably talk to him at home late in the evening when we have privacy and quiet.

      We've been married 4 and a half years. Like any marriage we have our ups and downs but never have we had a situation as serious as this. A part of me really hopes it's not true and it was a false conviction. And that the letters were a mandatory part of the program. Inshallah khair

  8. To reply to the last comment and anyone else who can give me advice:

    After I had orginal posted this question to the site me and my husband had a general conversation about abuse. We were watching tv and it came up. I mentioned how one of our friends kids was abused by someone in the family, he was very surprised and shocked. I didn't say who because of privacy. But anyways his reaction was very strict saying that it should have been reported to the police, that this type of behavior should not be tolerated even if it was a family member, and that there should be no communication between them.

    So if I talk to him and he confirms that it's true then the same thing should be applied to my fil. That obviously isn't the case now because my husband always pushes for us to go see his family when his dad is there. And gets mad at me if his dad goes a long time without seeing my daughter.

    It will cause so many problems if I force him or expect him to apply what his opinion was of my friends abused his to his own dad.

    This is going to open a bad can of worms I am pregnant and can't take th e stress. I am already crazy from just thinking about it. I dont know what will happen when I actually talk to him.

    I really need alot of courage and duaa.

    • Heather16: This is going to open a bad can of worms I am pregnant and can't take the stress. I am already crazy from just thinking about it. I don't know what will happen when I actually talk to him.

      I really need a lot of courage and duaa.

      At this stage you need to calm down. In some cultures when a girl is forced into a sexual relationship by her close relatives, girl is the one who gets blamed for tempting the male relative. Families try to protect males. Other family members may turn against you. Even though your fil is a sex offender his family may not believe that. Even your husband may turn against you and side with your father. Don't leave your kids alone with your in laws family. Don't stress yourself

  9. I am going to need alot of support through this so please bear with me.

    I just txted my husband saying. "I have a question. How do u talk to someone about something that u don't really want to talk to them about but u have to because it's very serious? It's not ur fault or their fault but at the same time u don't want to hurt their feelings? "

    I txted because obviously I am dead scared to open up the subject in person out of the blue. He called me right away and asked if everything was ok. I said yes. And he asked if it was about him. I was so nervous I quickly said no. Then he txts me back saying "U aproch it in an empathetic fashion. .. by using examples like it happens to so and so yet they did that "

    Should I go out to dinner with him and talk about it so there are no distractions , like my daughter or the tv or anything? Or at home?

    • You know your husband better than anyone--not knowing anything about him, it may be easier to speak to him at home once your daughter is asleep and late in the evening. If you are outside the house, he may feel uncomfortable with that.

      I would share what you found out. Don't make your passing judgements or remarks--stick to facts because you still do not know what informal he will share with you.

      May I ask how long the both of you have been married?

  10. Should I text him that I saw the letters and that I had a few days to think about to talk to him about it. So he doesn't get caught off guard and thinks about how to talk to me too?

    • Well after reading everything, i think u should clearly state everything to your husband.YES YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE SEEN THOSE LETTERS. you have a daughter, you must have an understanding with your soulmate and he also seems to be sensible enough after reading about his replies and reactions.
      so YES, talk to him clearly and that's when you'll be at ease in sha ALLAH. but talk sensibly, showing your daughter to be your most significant concern in life. Im sure he 'll understand your concern and will clear up your mind about this.

    • Heathet16 sis,

      Please don't communicate this matter via text messages. You should talk to him in person.

      Tell him that it has taken you great deal of courage to bring this up. Say if I could avoid talking about it I would because I don't want to see you upset/angry, but! this is important and I am extremely concerned about my/our daughter's safety. This whole thing for the past days is driving me nuts!...
      He may then asks you what is it, and then start TELLING HIM what you found out and how this whole thing has made you feel (your daughter's safety) ... X

  11. To all of those who replied to me. Thank you very much. I have an update.

    I spoke to my husband about this and it's true that my fil is in sex offender classes but he did not commit the crime. My fil along with a couple partners 10 years ago were involved in purchasing stolen goods from an individual who was illiciting sex from a 12 year old girl. When he got caught he brought down my fil and his partners in an undercover opperation. They were facing up to 25 years in prison so as part of the plea bargin they plead guilty to all charges to avoid jail time, including the ones they didn't commit.

    My husband has recently within the past year been helping my fil with letters for the classes since he can't speak or write English well.

    It was a very tough conversation to have and I thank those gave me advice. I was so worried for the wrong reasons. My husband was very supportive and answered any questions I had. So I am very thankful for him and his understanding.

    For any couples out there, I really recommend brining up issues as soon as they arise. Don't let it sit. I did and it drove me crazy.

    • Heather16: I spoke to my husband about this and it's true that my fil is in sex offender classes but he did not commit the crime. My fil along with a couple partners 10 years ago were involved in purchasing stolen goods from an individual who was illiciting sex from a 12 year old girl. When he got caught he brought down my fil and his partners in an undercover operation.

      I don't think your father in law is innocent. He must have been involved in sex crime but did not have actual sex. On Internet some times cops play teenagers and trap people who meet teenagers for sex. Persons are arrested before they actually have sex.

      Innocent people are not required to attend sex offender classes.

      Go back and do some more research on Internet.

      Your father in law also buys stolen goods.

  12. My FILmolested my 4 years old son while on visit at our place I saw that and my son told me also. when I told my husband he got upset and left me alone he cut all ties with me now he hates me thinking I'm lying and don't talk to me anymore living in same house but no communication just for the sake of our son he allows me to live in his house. Now my husband having affair with other lady his coworker my life is ruined.

    • Samia, a father who does not protect his son is no father at all. On top of that, he is cheating on you. Leave him and ask for a divorce. Insha'Allah you can find someone better in the future who will truly care for you and your son.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I can't leave him my son needs him I don't work so how can we going to survive without money. I'm housewife. I'm stuck

    • Samia: My FIL molested my 4 years old son while on visit at our place I saw that and my son told me ruined.

      What did you see? What did you ask your son? What did your son say?
      You are mentioning your son that means you did not see enough proof yourself.
      If your FIL is a child molester he probably molested other kids and may still be molesting kids

      • I did see what he did with him. It's not like I'm assuming stuff and accusing someone who didn't do anything wrong. He molested my son and I know he did but my husband don't believe me coz I don't have any proof yo show him.

  13. My son told everything what he did with him those dirty stuff I don't want to describe here sorry. Way too dirty and gross.

  14. Idk about other kids coz I have one kid only and idk if he did with anyone else coz he never get caught yet. It's so hard right now since I know what he did and no one believes us

  15. My husband don't believe me and my son which is so saddening thing for us. He is not a good father figure seems like coz he is not listening to his own child and not caring for his safety but trusting his molester father shame on him. He is doing bad to us. Having affair with his coworker. He did enough bad to us

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