Father is harsh, and brother failing classes
Money won't wipe your tears.
salaam alaykum. Im a muslim girl and im 20 years old. I have two problems that i seriously need help about them. both are family related issues.
The first one is my dad. He is a really tough man to deal with. I have an older sister and a brother. Dad wanted my sister to be a doctor and he did everything he could do for that, but my sister didnt achieve that. She studied math instead. (He always treated her very harshly for her to be a decent person. Even when she was a baby he used to put her in a bed in some dark room for her to sleep and told her mom to not go there untill she sleeps. For her to learn that.)
And from that day on, my father doesnt love my sister and he completely give up on every one of his childs including myself.
She got married and had 2 kids. And she couldnt be able to work as a teacher. And now he just thinks that "did i do all those things for this?!" He still treats her like she is not his daughter. And he doesnt even speak to her unless she writes or calls. (And she hates him right now, so she doesnt call either.)
So he left me to myself, didnt tell me what to do or what to be in the future. So i did grew up, accomplished so many good things and now im studying shariah in uni. and he is very happy with this.
Except he doesnt treat me like he loves me. And he loves and helps so much for others, he cares for others, but when it comes to his own family, he treats so harshly and unkindly. He always speaks bad about my lovely, helping, great mother, he yells at her ALL THE TIME. And this drives me insane!
He doesnt love us, he shows his love when it comes to kids of others but he doesnt even talk about my sister's.
So it makes us so sad. I always be the one who assumes a humble attitude towards him. But he put me down all the time. He doesnt speaks with me like he used to do when im younger. And i dont even know how i am gonna marry when things are like this! Im really happy to have a father but he does nothing but driving us insane. I really really thank Allah that he doesnt have other issues like alcohol or lower manners or beating etc. But i feel that he beats me psychologically!
So what can i do for that, how should i treat him when he is being really arrogant and disrespectful? Which special duas i can make?
The second problem of mine is my brother. He is absolutely not doing anything with his life. He doest speak with anybody, he doesnt have any friends, he sits in his room and he is on his laptop all the time, since he was a little kid. He is about to be kicked out of university because he doesnt pass his classes.
He is studying in that university for a long time , didnt graduated yet. And it doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon. And he doesnt pray. We did everything we can for him. Everything we can do! Nothing left that we didnt try. Im just making dua. But can i do any further? What can i do?
How can i do overcome these difficulties in my family? What can i do to reduce my stress?
Thanks
gone with the wind
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Asalam o Alaikum dear sister. What you go through is a common issue of our community as I believe. We can think that some people are just not satisfyed or have very high expectation from the world and their offspring. I think that you are a sensitive person (as many girls are, me too) so you feel what he says very deeply and vividly. I entirely understand you sister because you are not the only one in this kind of situation. You suppose that your father is just a test for you and Allah wants to test your patience and endurance through him. Look at your mother! Didnt she spent her whole life with him?
At this point I would recommend you to be very patient and careful because shaitan uses dispair and anger against a momin. It is very good that you aknowledge the upside of the situation you are in. What he does is on him and what you do is on you. "Every soul is a hostage to its own earnings" Al Quraan. " and whosoever does a grain’s worth of good will see it and whoever does a grain’s worth of bad will see it" Al Quraan. You do whats your responsibility and let him do what he pleases. You are very good to stay humble in front of him. Obey him(unless its not against the will of Allah and Rasoul saw), pray to Allah to guide him and whenever he is angry, read taouz and tasmiah because anger is from shaitan. Concentrate on your studies and be your own woman. Your father has very high expectations from his offspring so he treats all of you in his disappointment. There isnt anything you can do about it because Allah has created all of us unique and special and there is no way that a child can be a genious just by teaching and learning. Its a gift from God which cant be learned.
Be good! Stay away from any type of haram! Stay patient! Love yourself! Support your mother, it will all end soon. " and seek help(of Allah) by patience and prayer(salah)" Al Quraan. Read Quraan for peace of heart and mind. Recite the duas I will paste at the end for keeping the sorrow and worry away.
Talk to your brother. Take some time alone with him, and put some sense into him, let him know the situation of the house and the possible future if he cant study and earn a good amount. InshAllah he will understand you...
Allah never puts a weight on someone more than they can endure. Be strong! Be patient, Be good!
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي دِينِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَأَهْللِي، وَمَالِي، اللَّهُمَّ اسْتُرْ عَوْرَاتِي، وَآمِنْ رَوْعَاتِي، اللَّهُمَّ احْفَظْنِي مِنْ بَيْنِ يَدَيَّ، وَمِنْ خَلْفِي، وَعَنْ يَمِينِي، وَعَنْ شِمَالِي، وَمِنْ فَوْقِي، وَأَعُوذُ بِعَظَمَتِكَ أَنْ أُغْتَالَ مِنْ تَحْتِي
إِنِّيْ أَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْعَجْزِ وَ الْكَسَلِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِن غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ.
La ilaha illa Allah Al-’Azim, Al-’Alim, la ilaha illa Allah, Rabbul ‘arshil ‘Azim, la ilaha illa Allahu, Rabbus-Samawati wa rabbul ardi wa rabbul ‘arshi karim
Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu
‘Allahumma rahmataka arju, fala takilni ila nafsi tarfata ‘ain, wa aslah li sha’ni kullahu, la ilaha illa anta
‘Allah, Allah, Rabbi la ushriku bihi shai’an
La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minadh-dhalimin
للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي
gonewiththewind: The second problem of mine is my brother. He is absolutely not doing anything with his life. He does not speak with anybody, he doesn't have any friends, he sits in his room and he is on his laptop all the time, since he was a little kid. He is about to be kicked out of university because he doesn't pass his classes........He is studying in that university for a long time , didn't graduated yet. And it doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. And he doesn't pray. We did everything we can for him. Everything we can do! Nothing left that we didn't try. Im just making dua. But can i do any further? Im really happy to have a father but he does nothing but driving us insane. What can i do?.........How can i do overcome these difficulties in my family? What can i do to reduce my stress?..........
Your family seems like a dysfunctional family. I have a feeling your father is more then just harsh. He may have some mental problem. In normal family parents are supposed to encourage their children and help them grow.
Has you brother been seen by a psychiatrist/psychologist? How old is your brother? Does he show Interest in girls?
Dear Sister,
As far as your brother is concerned, In my opinion I think he is addicted to pornography. He has all the symptoms of it. I don't want to judge anyone wrongly but looking at the symptoms it seems he watches porn or sexual videos alot. I have gone through this addiction and I have experienced everything what he is going through.
I suggest you find some male member to advise him regarding the bad effects of porn.
May Allah put peace in your life.
Assalamualikom,
dear sis are you notice you say my father love me too much and help us regarding necessary expenses, the fact is some people love too much but cannot express especially parents, even it is good also some kids get very bad manner much love showing, my father is also very angry person yells my mother every time, some time i asked mom are you not get angry when father yells on you she show smile and say sons its his love i m useful with it not mind it, but i am sure he loves us also more then other but cannot show, we always do complain with mother against father cannot appreciate us though we do good work some kind home or relevant to study try to do him happy,
father has some expectation from his offspring when they not fulfill thus he get disappointed, then always look around success family giving example of them, it is also good thinking he try to grow up copy them he also going toward old age to show us our responsibility because he has experience so much worse situation during his life face or seen because of jobless,