Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father has refused my hand in marriage to a practising brother of good character.

proposal,couple

Assalam O Alaikum,

A brother has asked for my hand in marriage and my father refused and would not give me a reason and claimed he does not need to. My mother refused because of his mother's reputation, in our culture, women tend to talk about other women and build a reputation about them. The brother is a practicing Muslim and is of good character. The refusal without any valid reason led us to astray and commit haram, like speak on the phone. I do not want to commit any haram but I have prayed istakharah so many times, I have lost count and I feel that this brother is good for me in my deen and life as a husband and father to be of my children.

My dad swore he will not allow me to marry him and that its his final decision and I have no say in this matter and gave me an ultimatum between him and the brother. I am aware that a woman cannot marry without a wali and the wali does not need to be her father, but I do not want to enter a marriage without my father but I do not want to give up and ignore what Allah has led me to feel about my decision.

Wasalam,

E.

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8 Responses »

  1. Sr. E
    Sometimes I wonder if doing the istikhara (specially repeatedly like you have - and I have done that too!) just gives us the feelings we are hoping for??? I have been in your situation for the past 2 years, that is why I am saying that.

    If truly, the positive istikhara feeling you have (and I have also) is from Allah, then when Allah wills, you will marry this man. I am still praying everyday that Allah fufills my duas (and I am asking Allah during sajdah and at tahajjud - that is how much I care about my guy!!) and brings my guy back - otherwise I am trying to move on one day at a time, and keeping myself open to maybe someone else that He may have written for me instead.

    • That's why Istikhara is not about a dream or a feeling. We are supposed to pray Salat-al-Istikhara sincerely, then make the best choice we can, and trust that Allah is guiding us to the best course of action.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister..be a little more honest with yourself here and try to think beyond the attachment and feelings that you would have naturally built up for this brother by now having been in contact with him.

    If he was truly practising and of good character, would he talking to you behind your fathers back, knowing that your father has rejected this proposal? A wise man would not do what he wouldn't want done to his own daughter. Whether your father is right or not and your right to choose your own spouse etc, I'm sure plenty here would confirm all that info for you.
    However, regardless of all that, a man of character would be persistent and approach your father repeatedly if he really thinks you two would be good together, not take the easy wrong option.
    If he wants you the way you do then let him prove it. If he doesn't welcome this idea and makes excuses, blaming your father for his wrongs, then he is not worth marrying.

    • Did my comment get deleted?
      I disagree with the post here. In every hadith and advice there are assumptions that must also be analyzed. If the father rejected the potential for a reason that isn't Islamically valid, that's crazy, and we are not obliged to listen to our parents when they tell us to do things that go against Islam! Tell your father to Fear Allah SWT and know that it is a blessing for any Muslim, especially a Muslim girl to find a practicing Muslim guy in the West! Look at this site, not many Muslim women get second opportunities.

      The hadith that is usually quoted is "No marriage is valid without a wali." The assumption in that hadith is that a person has a wali who is genuinely guided by Islamic guidelines, and that the person (more specifically, the woman) isn't going to marry out of love, lust, and other non-Islamic reasons. This is the reasons why most Hanafis highly recommend but do not see the wali as a requirement.

      In my own case, my first cousin dealt with a similar situation, and despite her multiple attempts to try to convince her parents otherwise, had to call her parents 15 minutes before her nikah, and they showed up and reconciled with their new son-in-law and saw their reasons were unbelievably stupid to begin with.

      It would also be interesting to know the country of each individual poster as I think there are more specific guidelines to give depending on the poster's country! Don't know how that would work.

      Allah SWT has made marriage EASY, why do we make it so difficult!? 10k dowries, 10k apartments, huge mehrs, gold...none of these things have to do with FAITH, compassion, loyalty and trust that are paramount to Muslim marriages. Read the story of Ali RA and his marriage to Fatima.

      • None of your comments have been deleted. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I agree completely!

        Saja and Sister Faith I totally disagree with you. They are trying to do things islamically they're trying to talk to their parents. They didn't talk on the phone or do anything wrong to begin with, however, when they went to do the right thing by our religion, e.g asking the parents to let them get engaged so they could express their feelings the parents refused them. Now they're cornered they have feelings for each other BUT are left with no way to express it the only way out islamically is through the parents and the parents are being unreasonable. Now as far as I'm concerned the parents I think are sinning, because two people want to love each other and they are preventing them.

        Also don't think the father necassarily is stopping them for a good reason 90 percent of the time the reason is horribly and completely stupid most commen of which is I want her to marry someone from our country.

        Be realistic I implore you, you have 2 people with desires for each other now parents pit desires directly against faith when faith should offer a correct way to deal with desire (the toughest thing a person can face). It can be said that they should control themselves not talk on the phone not see each other etcetera but lets again be realistic should should should when feelings are involved they can try but I'll tell you right now most if not all will fail. So parents = set their children up for failure in this situation and are an accessory to haram to me.

        Its sad when religion and culture clash. Religions right you two should get engaged should be no problems and you'll have no issues.

  3. Hi sis Alsalam mu Alaikum

    I agree with sister faith.You say that he is a practicing muslim and of a good character.If he was really that he could have not step to commit sins with you.And especially behind your parents?Do you think this is a good begging with him as a husband for you?

    Even if you both love each other you cant go against Allahs rules.Your love to Allah is more then any love in this world.If he really wants to marry you he could have come and talk to your father about disagreeing your marriage instead of talking to you on the phone.because if you keep committing sins that is not the solution for you both to get marry.

    And if your father caught you talking to him you just think how he is going to fell.will he think he is good for you?will he let you both marry?

    You have to ask yourself what your doing is not the right solution.Let him come and talk to your father face to face instead of hiding & committing sins.Because you both want to marry right?not to commit sins.
    I am not saying he is a bad husband for you.Islam gives you the right to choose your husband and no one can forced you to marry whom you dislike.But you to be careful how you are choosing your husband in the way of islam.and do not reject the advice and guidance of your parents cause they are your parents and know what is better for you.

    So ask Allah to help you and guide you.cut all the contacts you have with this brother and let him meet your father and discuss with him.And may Allah make him the best for you.

  4. There is no marriage with the wali

    The wali is normally your father if rejects this guy for an islamic reason eg he is too poor to maintain u or he is known to hit women or his religon is bad or some other flaw in his deen like he is shai then u can not get married

    If he has an unislamic reason. Eg
    Person is a convert
    Different race
    Different tribe
    Different country of origin
    Outside your family
    Not enough dowery
    Etc

    Then he can be removed as the wali for opressing u with these things

    U need a wali

    This responsibility then passes to the male members of your family from your fathers side , firstly your brothers , grandfather , uncles any one u cannot get married to along that line

    They must be
    1 sane
    2 muslim
    3 above the age of pubuty

    If not to the a judge or the leader of the muslims or his representive eg a local imam

    U need one of to be your wali.

    May allah make it easy 4 u

    And allah knows best

    Just a personal note here you really should take the time to find out from your dad why he does not like the guy and remember its the rest of your life you have to spend with this person so your relationship between your new family ( kids ) and your parents would eventually come up and it will be soo much easer of u got along

    Adheim

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