Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father rejected him for culture

dice-yes-no-maybe

Assalamu alykum brothers and sisters.

I am 19 and I am from UZB. My nationality is  Persian. One year ago I met a guy, but he is from a completely different nationality (Turkish). He doesn't smoke or drink, and never tried to be perfect for me- he always is who he is. I am not a girl who most people seem to find attractive. They might be cute, but the way they act and talk just shows me easily that cuteness can't do that much on them.

I was never interested in guys because I kept seeing unimportant things are so important for them, or even when one comes and happens to talk in a very muslim way I just can see easily what is the purpose and it's not them who they are trying to be like. He is not perfect. I have worked with him more than a year during busy seasons, when everyone is rushing and the boss is not happy because there is too much work to do and gets stressed. I have seen how he gets angry and how he deals with it.

Like I said he's not perfect, but he doesn't have big issues like most guys have. He has peace in his heart, he is honest no matter how it affects me, and he is loyal. He came to the US as a student, and he lived with his friends who drink and go to clubs most nights and meet russian girls...but he wouldn't go, he would write me at that time. Because like he told me, I was the change that he needed. He wasnt feeling to go into all these things that seem fun. He is muslim by the way, and tries to follow the sunnah.

After he met me, right away he said to himself  "Allah may my halal wife be her". He came to ask for my hand. He spoke with my father for more than 2 hours, and my dad said no because he didn't want him to take me away to Turkey, and he was afraid that he might hurt me there.  I just learned his language after I started to have feelings toward him. I learned his language in two months. Now I can read and understand his language, but I feel shy to speak because I might panic and not sound right.

In my family, when someone comes and asks for my hand, my dad will send one of my sisters to me and tell me,  "my answer as a father is 'no' for that guy, what is your answer?". I usually said no for everyone who came, but for him I said my answer is yes. But my sister who was older than me, she said if I say yes, my dad will think that since we worked together something went on between us.  She didnt say what it was, but she mentioned zina. Then she said there would be fights at home and he might get angry and marry me to  another one.  So my asnwer went to my dad not like I wanted. My mom is saying whatever makes her daughter have a  happy life.

In our world, culture and what ladies say about us or our family is so important. Alhamdulilah, the guy I want was rejected by my father for an unimportant reason- culture. I believe Allah created all of us and no culture is better than another.

-zara04


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4 Responses »

  1. As salam o alaykum
    Dear sister

    Our parents are the one who nurture us all our life.They really love us unconditionally and want good for us.
    Your father fear for your future.This is so natural.I would say trust your father's guts.But keep praying that Allah makes it happen what is best for you.
    Do not talk to that man.This is shaitan who comes between and draws a beautiful picture in our mind and deceives us.
    I can assure you if you show patience for Allah, you will get much better husband than him Insha Allah.
    Do not get impressed if he tells you that he does not party because of you.
    IF living in turkey is the only reason for which your father refused the proposal then ask him to live in your country with you.He has been living there for job so he can continue living there for few more years.
    Once you get married and have kids and your father is satisfied with him then you can move where ever your husband wants to.
    This would be the test for him.If he is really serious he will chose to live in your country for you.And if he is not he will give you some excuses.May be he is justified with his excuses but you also have an excuse that your father is not agreed for your relocation.
    please do not hurt your father for that man.These man are not trust worthy.there are so many girls who fight for getting married to desired man but what happens later.Those man leave them and then their parents accept them.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    If your father's fear is you leaving to go to Turkey, I don't see why the both of you can't stay put until you have been married for a few years so that your father can feel more comfortable and get to know him more.

    Talk to your father. It is good that your father asks you for your decision regarding marriage, but you should be allowed to say yes or no without be accused of zina.

    I do suggest that you do not continue talking and meeting with this boy outside your profession. Instead, put your efforts into talking to your parents about him and if he is sincere, perhaps he can try to spend some time with your father as well so that he can address your father's concerns.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  3. Asalamu alaikum,

    Your father is protective of you. I dont blame him. If your father doesnt want you to move, how about you tell the guy if he is willing to stay where you are? If he likes you he should be able to compromise and be understanding.

    Ma salama..

  4. I can defintely understand where you father is coming from. He doesnt want to see you get hurt and if you are far away in Turkey out of sight they will never know what is going on with you and whether you are being treated well or not. If you really believe this guy is good for you then he has to convince your father that he will never hurt you and that he will treat you well maybe then your father will agree. Sometimes parents are unreasonable however sometimes they are able to judge people better than we can. Talk to your father what he found wrong with the guy and ask him why if there was a valid reason for him saying no.At the end pray to Allah swt to give you to grant you a pious spouse and inshaAllah everything works out in a way pleasing to Allah swt.

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