Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Father always rejects marriage for me and now I’m 29

Assalamu Alaykum,I'm 29 years old with parents who are born and raised in Palestine but moved to the UK when they were 20.

I been wanting to get married since I was 19.When me and my sisters were younger we were not allowed to marry anyone who was not a cousin. My father voiced out to the Arab community for no one to come to his daughters because they only can marry cousins, however when cousins would come by he would reject them by saying they were not good enough. When I was 19 I wanted to marry a Palestinian man from a different town in the UK. My father rejected it and screamed at my mother for approaching him with this. He than went and told all my relatives that a man came for my daughter and he rejected it because we are only allowed to marry cousins (he went and told all the relatives so the uncles would feel sorry for us girls and marry their sons to us, I assume he did this out of fear of losing his daughters to strangers).

Years went by and my eldest sister did not receive any marriage proposals until she met a man on her own for marriage when she was in her early 30s. My father accepted out of regret, he felt no one came to her because of him, however he still doesn't like the fact that his daughter married a Syrian person.

My other sister met a guy who was a total stranger to the family but my father accepted him due to the fact that his daughters were getting old and he wanted them to get married and because the man was Palestinian. My father accepted right away. After the wedding of my sister, the man she is with turned out to be from a different sect from Ahlusunnah as we are Sunni. my father felt betrayed and fooled until this day; it's been 5 years and my father still feels betrayed.

Now it's my turn to get married, however my heart wants to marry a man who is from a different culture and race as I am. I am Palestinian and he is Pakistani. I met a good brother with good religion(islam of course, and sunni) and good manners. He is mature, kind, from a very good family, has a good job, and we love each-other for the sake of Allah. I have wanted to marry him for the last 4 years.

Four years ago when I met him I was 25. Him and his mother wanted to come to my house and ask for my hand, but when I told my brother, my brother went crazy on me saying, "you are playing with fire, you know how crazy your dad is, dad regrets giving away his other daughter to a stranger that turned out to be not Sunni and now you took it too far-you want a different culture".

He said he couldn't approach my dad and I had to on my own. When I tried to bring up the subject to my dad, my dad went crazy without me even mentioning the fact that the brother is Pakistani. He started yelling saying, "we don't take people we don't know, and you are only allowed to marry someone I know and that's it! I don't want to be fooled again!" he screamed and shouted and his reaction scared me so much that I continued talking to the brother without my family knowing.

Now 4 years have gone by and I seriously want to get married to him and start my own family and move on with life. I get hurt seeing my sisters having kids and living happy, I want the same for myself. I planned to leave the house without my parents knowing, but guilt got to me and I said to myself "let me try one more time through an uncle".

So I went to my uncle and told him how I been suffering with this for years and how I'm so scared of my father. My uncle was very sad for me, and said he will help and support me. He asked to meet the brother I want to marry, so the brother met him at my uncle's home and my uncle loved him a lot. My uncle said "let me talk to your brother and father for you". So he did.

My uncle first talked to my dad, and my dad blew up on him. Then my uncle talked to my brother, thinking my brother will convince my dad. My brother tried to talk to my dad, and only one sentence came out and my dad blew up on my brother, and called me down stairs and screamed at me saying "we don't take strangers or people from another race and how dare you go outside the family for help".  He then went up stairs and started shouting at my mom and kicking her out of the house saying it's all her fault and that if she was a real woman she would have sent me to Palestine to get married. He kept spitting at everyone out of disgust, and my mom hid in the room, and she started crying and yelling at me saying it's all my fault that I put her through so much pain.

My father than started crying and sobbing and saying I'm the worst daughter and I'm cursed, and that he never wanted another girl, he said he knew I would be cursed from birth, (I never knew he could cry, and my brother said it's not a big deal of what my dad said about me being cursed because my dad was just angry when he said it). My brother then came to me and said "I told you you're playing with fire" and he said "this is impossible and I have to let it go before my dad starts hurting people".

He said my dad threatened to hurt the guy I want to marry if he comes anywhere near the house, and my dad threatened to leave my mom and disown the family if they try to help or support me. That's why they all backed away. My father also threatened to fight my uncle and my brother told me that I need to sacrifice my life for my father's wishes, and only marry who they want, yet they don't have anyone for me nor has anyone come and ask for me since I was 19, and I'm reaching 30 and I want to start a life.

I told them that it was OVER with the brother due to the fact of all the threats my dad gave, I no longer trust anyone in the house knowing anything because I feared for the brother. They repeatedly told me that I'm a low life if I choose to marry without my father's consent and that the entire family will disown me and I will bring great shame to the house and I will destroy and break up the house. My brother accused me of zina because I still wanted to marry the guy for years. He kept saying, "what kind of hold does this guy have on you to want to still marry him, and he's a low life to still want you even though father says no."

I want to make it clear that I did not commit any haram acts with this brother, it was just talk, and we are both mature, good Muslims. I practice my religion and so does he. His father is a shaykh in a different town and I have taken many lessons from them.

They even threatened to come after me if I marry without his consent. My brother, mom and dad would cry and say I'm bringing them so much stress to the house JUST FOR A GUY.

Now I don't know what to do, I have a choice to stay single for the rest of my life, and hope that someone comes and asks for my hand, he has good religion and manners, he knows my father, and if not then I stay single. Or I can leave and get married and lose an entire family for the rest of my life.

I deeply love this brother for the sake of Allah and I only want to spend the rest of my life with him. I found what I want and the thought of letting him go for the hopes of someone else to come across makes me very sad and depressed, especially since I'm pushing 30. Any advice? and please no comments of  "my relation with this man is haram", we only talked in a mature respectful manner.




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26 Responses »

  1. please advise me wise ones

  2. Samia,

    As Salam aa laekum,

    I can perceive your predicament, but given the gratuitous complications, Allow me to demonstrate the possible solutions to your problems.

    There is not an iota of doubt that denial of marriage on basis of tribe , sect, race is completely UnIslamic. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) also went on to marry a Coptic Christian from Egypt , Maria ( Radhi Allahu wa anhu) Who is regarded as the mother of all believers with whom He had a child named Ibrahim who died in infancy.

    Was She an Arab ? No!

    In my humble opinion, I would suggest that don't be a victim of circumstances. Don't think too much about the guy or that you are turning 30 etc. because you will drain yourself out in depression. In this life we may desire a lot, but Allah will give us what we deserve.

    It is also important that you realise that a bent key cannot open the lock. Your father is not angry with you. He is also infuriated by the actions of his other daughters as well. Don't blame yourself. It is only his ego which is commanding over his Iman. Sadly, he is hell bent in proving that this time He will not give his daughter to a person who is not Palestinian and within the family. When you lay out such a small perimeter, one is challenged to present any rational argument. For him, it is about betrayal backed with defeat.

    If I were you, I would try to employ cogent cajolery to neutralize his anger. I would convince him that I'm on his side and that I would not do anything which is against the wishes or esteem of the family. You need to purge his fears. Then, I would put my point forward that I will marry whosoever you want , but I want you to meet this Pakistani guy once before you choose any other person for me. You need to understand that I've spent 30 years of my life with you but for the next 40 years (all your life) I shall be spending my life with a person who should respect me. I just want you to meet him and judge for yourself. Once He responds in affirmative, you can discuss further.

    If your convincing power fail you and make you appear that you are merely throwing sugar in the sea in the hope of changing taste of of the water , then I would say that time has arrived to take up the decisive step. If you are confident about the Pakistani guy, if you sure that you can spend the rest of your life with him, then take up the decisive step. As time will progress, you shall be able to convince your father that your choice was not wrong. However , you will be encroaching in a dangerous territory, because You have no option but to remain 100 percent confident about this person.

    I wish you the very best and may Allah make it easy for you.

  3. Sounds like your dad is serious.. How many times have you heard about honour killings etc? My cousins got honour killed for marrying out of love... Its a cruel world with no emotions they dont think we're all the same, casts were made when we got here.. We're all equal in Makkah when we go for Hajj so should reach people but then again...

    Just look at it this way if youre destined to be together... You will by the will of Allah SWT.
    Dont upset your parents and sometimes parents harsh words are to guide you straight, us generation think differently than the elders so we fail to understand the "love" and security of words.
    There are loads of people that get married 30+ as they want to get settled before starting married life and kids, try and focus that way..

    All the best hun.

  4. You are almost 30 years old.

    In Islam, we must speak kind words to our parents, and take care of them in their old age. We must never yell or swear at them. We must always cherish them and pray for them, and make life easy for them as they get older.

    But Islam does not require us to sacrifice our lives for them.

    You have a right to get married, and have children. Your obligation is to marry a muslim man. There are no rules in Islam that pertain to a parent refusing to allow a child to marry a good muslim. Islam does not have geographical or racial boundaries.

    You may feel guilty and upset that you are causing your father distress. But by marrying this man, you are not doing anything wrong. Ask your uncle to be your wali, and marry him.

    Your father will never change his mind. I am sorry to say that. You have tried every reasonable method by which to get him to agree to your marriage. You are now 30 years old and I hate to say this, but a woman's fertility drops sharply after age 35. If you want kids, do not sit around and wait for the father-approved Palestinian.

    It is time to do what is best for you. You are doing nothing wrong by getting married.

  5. Salam Samia,

    I feel so bad for you sis. Just today I heard that one of my relatives, a distant uncle beat up his daughter and broke her bones to force her to marry her cousin! she is 17 and the cousin is 38! more then double her age! so even if this marriage is haram because she did not give her consent she is married according to the society and her family. She will be killed by the father or her husband if she tries to leave him!. Noone can reason with the father as he overthrows anyone that tries to speak to him.

    It is really heartbreaking how parents can forcefully marry off the daughter or refuse the daughter to have a choice in marriage. I married my cousin as my father wanted me to marry someone he knew and it all ended badly!

    You can never know someone no matter how closely you are related to them. The fact of the matter is even if your cousin is the greatest man in the world you are not obliged to marry him! There are millions of men in this world of all colours and personalities, you have the choice to look through your options and select a spouse that you feel attracted to phisically and spiritually and are happy to spend the rest of your life with.

    Your father is abusing his position as the leader of the household by blackmailing you and other members of your family.

    If I were you, I would take my case to a trusted imam and explain the situation and ask him to be the wali and marry you off.
    I think your brothers are old enough to earn and look after your mother financially. They should make plans to move out incase your father decides to disown them. This is your life! whoever you marry you will have to live with them for the rest of your life so take control. You cant ruin your life because of your fathers threats.After marriage your husband will be responsible for you, not your parents. They will not be around all the time, so you need to think about your future.

    And I don't think your father will disown the family! its just blackmailing tactics. And if he leaves your mother how is he going to find another women now in his old age? will he actually live by himself? You, your mother and brother need to stand up to your dad. If he gets voilent call the police! You need to let him know that his behavoiur is unacceptable.

    Muslim men these days are not proper leaders, instead of protecting and keeping their family happy. They oppress their family.

  6. I agree with the above post!!! I honestly just don't understand why
    Parents these days just won't allow there daugthers
    To marry who ever they want as Long as he is
    Muslim!!! The sad part is when a girl from my country run off with a non Muslim guy the parents and relatives cry and complain oh I wish he was a Muslim guy who would have said yes right away!!! What a lie lol they wouldn't do that!!! In a way I'm
    Thankful my dad isn' like that as long as he is a good guy treat us well he will say yes marsallah!!!

  7. Assalamu Alaikum sister

    you know i went through the same thing..i had alot of pressure to marry another african..but having traveling around the gulf working i always wanted to marry outside of my hausa family was very much not looking forward to me marrying an arab..but not like many arabs to the point of inciting violence...i went along to marry and his family was VERY upset..especially among the womenfolk but now that kids are involved they are SOO much better.

    i was 29 as well when i married. its not a bad are more mature but in islam if your father denies you to marry and not due to religion find another wali or guardian..and GO.

    THIS is your life..ONE LIFE. you dont deserve to be miserable. you owe your parents respect but not your life.
    remind him, sit him with your IMAM. have your IMAM another man..tell him ..and show him the which only through religion islam is one man better than another.

    DO NOT.. be ALONE with your father. DO NOT! dont risk your life by trusting he will not attack you but that doesnt mean you cant live the life you want


  8. asalamu alaikum,

    your father still has the same mindset as those who came before Islam the days of jahiliya. why are your family so against you marrying a Muslim from another ethnic group? remind your family if they don't accept other Muslim due to arrogance etc , its highly possible you will never enter paradise. even if you have a grain of arrogance in you, you wont even smell Jannah. you know how dangerous that is?

    you also said your bro accused you of zina? astagfirullah. how could a Muslim say that to another Muslim with no poof no witness to say this? what worse to your own sister. it seems your family don't know the true teaching of Islam. otherwise they wouldn't say you are curse since birth etc.. knowledge is the cure for the ignorance..

    ask your father to find you a spouse if that what he wants and remind him you ain't getting any younger and it will be hard to marry later on life.

    ma salama..

  9. Stand up for yourself, be strong scream if you have too get your voice heard. It is your life not your parents marry the one you have chosen you did nothing wrong, ISLAM gives you the right to choose your own partner.

  10. Brother Ahmad unfortunately my family is very uneducated, especially in the matters of Islam, I have struggled a lot with many issues of ignorance, please make duaa for me.
    I would like to say May Allah bless you all for your support and words of advice. Its been two months since i submitted this question and unfortunately I am still in the current situation. I left the house for 1 day and my sisters brother and mother said they will do whatever it takes for my father to accept if I come back, and I did come back just so I can leave the house in somewhat an honor.
    My brother did talk to my dad to convince him and all my dad kept saying how he never wanted a third daughter and how wrong it is to mix races and that he can never accept such a thing and doesn't care if I stay single for the rest of my life and it doesn't phase him.
    I will be asking my uncle if he can be my wali just so they can say they gave me away and i can still have family ties with my mother and sisters. However I am unsure if my uncle will be willing to give me away as it will be over ruling my fathers commands and this may cause trouble between them both.
    This will be my second last option, if he is not willing then I will have to take it to the imam, but this will cause closed ties with my family as I would be not obeying their opinions and unfortunately my father is not the type of father to find me a suitable husband. He just lets us wait and wait until we present him someone he MIGHT like. Please make duaa for me.

    • Sister,

      I think you have chosen the right course of action. I would do the same. Marriage is half of your deen and your right! Your father cannot take this away from you.

      Don't worry about your family, i have seen many people in your situation re marrying different race. Their parents emotionally blackmailed them and then after a couple of years came crying back to their daughter. Parents do not stay mad for long. Your father will accept this after some time. He is just being stubborn now and having a power struggle to have everything his way!

      Keep praying And do ishtikara before marrying the guy.

      May Allah bless you with a happy marriage and melt your farher's heart.

      Take care xxxx : )

  11. Salaams.

    your relation with this man is haram.

    end of story miss. btw i've read on IslamQA that if your current wali is refusing to get you married for no legitimate reason, the guardianship passes on to the next person (Im guessing your brother). just sayin'.

    Take care.

    • Brother AbdulRehman...No actually my relationship with this man is not haram, and I would appreciate it if you address me as sister and not miss. I clearly stated in my post no comments from ppl like you who slander sisters for wanted to get married to a good muslim who she loves for the sake of Allah with no desire. lady khadija admired the prophets iman and manners and wanted to marry him, she worked with many people men and woman and there was no haram taking place in her speaking. Ppl need to stop accusing sisters of haram for wanting to marry someone.

      • Couldn't agree with you more, sis!You have stated nothing in your post that could be called haram, and I just wanted to say how much I admire the bravery and grace with which you are dealing with this situation.May Allah make your path easy for you,Ameen.

        • thank you sister... we live in a tough world, especially for muslim sisters. May Allah protect you. Thank you for the duaa. its been hard.

  12. Dear Samia,

    I hope that you would read this post. others have already said in the light of Islam.

    Based on my personal experience( wherein i waited years and years in hope that my parents would find a guy for me or he would come to me some day, i got nothing but just wait. As i age, my parents turned cold towards me and i became a burden on them. I tried my best to get married at my own (in halal ways )but my efforts went invain, my efforts actually caused me more pain and frustration. During this troubled life, to put in short, i ended in a haram relationship (without realizing) and i had no one who could guide me or listen to me. My family had no religious atmosphere and we all were (still are, though i am learning about islam and trying to practice now) uneducated in terms of Islam. I wasnt even knew that there is a prescribed punishment for this sin in Islam. But Alhamdulliah, though late but i realized my grave sin and i am out of that relation now but what i am left with - I am still single, still no hopes of getting married from parents side, when it comes to me, i cant even think of marriage now when i have committed the grave sin ( which i had never ever thought i could but i somehow ), i am lonely and single as i were before but with loads of guilt on my soul (for getting into haram relationship), therefore, I would advice that if you are really sure of that Muslim guy, then get married to him.

    May Allah (swt) make things easy for you. Aameen

    • Thank you for your advice Repenter Muslim.
      I am 100% sure about this brother, he fears Allah and has very good Manners.
      I am currently having my uncle to try to convince my dad again so their is some what an honor in the marriage and no escalation on my dads anger if I were to marry without consent. I am trying to give it all I got to give my father every chance to accept. I will be marrying the guy in the next couple months inshaAllah. I'm just hoping my dad will give me consent.

      Its unfortunate what some parents do to their daughters. They make it extremely hard for them to marry and the women reach their 30s and 40s and still not married and end up in haram relationships.
      I attended a Muslim seminar and the shaikh was advising the parents to give their daughters away in marriage if the man is good Muslim and manners otherwise they risk their own daughters will turn to haram with someone from a different culture race and RELIGION!.
      The prophet Mohammad said if a man comes to your daughter for marriage and he has good iman and manners than let them marry or else there will be fitna in the communities. This hadeth has proven time and time again. I have held strong, it is really hard, i had many tears and cries and a lot of verbal abuse from my family, but alhamdoulilah I have my uncle to help and protect me.
      I told my self that I will rely on Allah and do my best to make peace with my soon to be marriage and parents, if they choose not to have peace with it then that will be the life they choose to live.
      Please make duaa for me, and keep praying to Allah to bless you with a suitable husband.

      • I'm glad you have made this decision. You will be fine. Please remember that -- you will be fine, and if you have children your mother will want to be part of their lives (not sure about your father). You are very right, for some reason Muslim families are very hard on their daughters. We have beautiful dreams of being being loving wives and mothers, but parents seem to have a lot of resistance. I once told my mom quite bluntly (without raising my voice), that throughout my life I have attended a gazillion weddings and baby showers, and my parents and brothers have been invited to the weddings of my friends, too, but not once did anyone in my family say to me "Insha'Allah you will be next". Never. And my family is pretty religious hence the Insha'Allah's are fairly free-flowing in all other scenarios. My mom was speechless when I drew this to her attention and I could see from her face that she acknowledged some if the hurt I was/am feeling; perhaps, she even felt some regret or remorse. My parents bent over backwards to ensure their sons had happy marriages, and now their granddaughters are in their 20s and my parents often speak of them getting married too! Like I'm chopped liver.

        You are doing the right thing by following your an Islamic fashion. It is not your fault that your parents chose to move to a non Muslim country and raise children in a non Muslim country. Lucky for you you found a Muslim man who is compatible with you -- do not lose this opportunity. Your mother will come around. You will be fine, Insha'Allah.

        • Thank you so much precious star, subhanAllah I can relate a lot with you. I will keep you posted.

          • Precious Star - Your story moist my eyes. I feel so much for you. I have experience this way. i just hope that at least this sister Samia gets what she desired especially when she is fighting so hard in one way or another to make it work amicably.

            My prayers are with both of you. Aameen.

  13. Sisters please keep us posted; I’m in the same predicament and can’t even imagine talking to my father….I wish all the best for you

  14. am very sorry to say this but Arabs and middle eastern muslim, are making islam to be hard and according to Allah its simple, i have never read anywhere in hadiths that say you have to marry from your family, etc
    the first factor should be his/ her deen practicing level and Allah will bless your marriage,

    and you keep on complaining about the nusra of Allah, you will have to change for Allah to help, inshallah

  15. Hi samia brier, what happened in the end? I am also 29, turning 30 In dad acts like its something disgusting when my mom asks him to ask among his frIends for a good reference...meanwhile, my dad has a big ego and will say no to whomever I bring, just because it was not his choice.

  16. It did end up getting married, and alhamdoulilah that nightmare is over. It was bitter sweet.
    I am happily married alhamdoulilah, and i got what I wanted. However my did got worse and worse before I got married and there was a lot of fight going on in the house, he was not going to give it up. He ended up moving out of the house and my uncle gave me away and gave me a nice marriage reception with all my relatives and grandma, mom and siblings. My dad didnting show up. my dad disowned me and his family... his pride was more worth than his family unfortunately.
    I think you should fight for what you want for the sake of Allah if you believe its good for you. We do not need to be a sacrifice in this life and give up our lives for others..

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